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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH Cheated on me :(

303 replies

AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 14:29

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 22/08/2023 15:43

Probably just the first time you’ve caught him out. If he has form for this and he clearly does, don’t be naive enough to think he has not done this in 8 years!!

Showdogworkingdog · 22/08/2023 15:43

I’m struggling with the whole, ‘ I was so out of my face I didn’t know what I was doing’ bollocks I’m afraid. Shagging someone takes a fair bit of coordination and effort, neither of which most of us have when we’re shitfaced. And he’s got past form for it. And presumably the OW knew about you and went ahead and shagged him anyway, even though she might pass you in the street or see you in the pub next time you’re out. Nice.
Only you know what’s ok, but I wouldn’t be able to get past that. What a dickhead. Sorry OP but I think you deserve better.

Acornsoup · 22/08/2023 15:45

Sounds like he has form for this OP. It's really up to you. He will probably do it again when he gets the chance. As PP have said you don't have to do anything yet. He really needs to do a lot of work. Counselling about his alcohol use and lack of accountability would be a good place to start. Sorry OP Flowers

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/08/2023 15:47

He's done a really really stupid thing and caused untold upset. Personally, I think it is possible to recover from an event like this. Lots of marriages survive infidelity and go on to become stronger.

First priority is that he definitely has an issue with alcohol. Going out and enjoying a drink with friends is one thing. Getting totally shit-faced and having sex with some random woman is something else entirely.

I would insist that he stops drinking and seeks help. You might also seek counselling, either as a couple or individually, to see where you go from here.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:47

Thank you guys. This is tough to hear, but I appreciate all the comments. I've always said if he did anything like that then that would be it... but turns out that following through on that is a lot harder in reality!

OP posts:
Dibble135 · 22/08/2023 15:48

You are in shock op and understandably desperately looking for the quickest way to get past the hurt which right now feels like forgiveness. You also have natural compassion for someone you love who is upset by their actions.

Can I suggest trying to look at this objectively for a moment? If this happened to a friend, colleague or a stranger on a tv talk show, what would you think? What would you advise them to do?

DelphiniumBlue · 22/08/2023 15:51

He has talked about speaking to a therapist as he has made mistakes like this in previous relationships and it is always when he's drinking.

But it's not a mistake, is it? A mistake is forgetting an appointment, or accidentally breaking a cup. It's not sleeping with someone else in your house! Like 'Oh, I didn't mean to accidentally drop my trousers, my belt wasn't working properly and the zip broke at the same time." No, it wasn't like that. He made a decision, probably several decisions, so terming it a mistake is really underplaying what happened.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 22/08/2023 15:54

So he was so drunk he can't really remember (I guess his line is that he can't really be held responsible) but ...

He was sober enough to remember not having money for a taxi, or her and deciding to go back to the house

Sober enough to ring her a taxi

Sober enough to pretend to have been asleep and called you back

Also - it's been some time since I've been in a taxi that didn't take cards ...

He's still lying to you about it all, OP. Massive hugs

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:57

Dibble135 · 22/08/2023 15:48

You are in shock op and understandably desperately looking for the quickest way to get past the hurt which right now feels like forgiveness. You also have natural compassion for someone you love who is upset by their actions.

Can I suggest trying to look at this objectively for a moment? If this happened to a friend, colleague or a stranger on a tv talk show, what would you think? What would you advise them to do?

I've been trying to do that, and I'm finding it hard as I keep getting pulled into finding reasons to give me another chance... clearly because I'm not ready to accept that the relationship is over. I've actually been in this situation years ago with an ex boyfriend who did a very similar thing on a night out (seems I have form too!). I ended up staying with him and the relationship lasted another year as it died a slow and painful death. I wish now that I had been firm enough to set ultimatums, I didn't set any. I thought at the time it was either forgive and carry on or leave. I was only 21 though and had only been with the guy around a year.

OP posts:
AmazingSnakeHead · 22/08/2023 15:58

I think if sufficiently remorseful and willing to take some serious steps, then it is possible to move past this, if that is what you want. I think he should give you space for a bit though, I really would try and get him out the house for the week while you think.

AmazingSnakeHead · 22/08/2023 15:59

Trickedbyadoughnut · 22/08/2023 15:54

So he was so drunk he can't really remember (I guess his line is that he can't really be held responsible) but ...

He was sober enough to remember not having money for a taxi, or her and deciding to go back to the house

Sober enough to ring her a taxi

Sober enough to pretend to have been asleep and called you back

Also - it's been some time since I've been in a taxi that didn't take cards ...

He's still lying to you about it all, OP. Massive hugs

Oh yeah, this is all true. Why not use phones or cards? Did he sound incoherently drunk? I would want full truth before even thinking about moving on.

shieldmaiden7 · 22/08/2023 16:05

I actually believe he's sorry. But I wouldn't be able to stay where you are. With people possibly knowing what has happened. Questioning if you know or he's kept it a secret. That woman blurting it out at a inappropriate time, even acting inappropriately towards him in the future. Knowing it happened in my house. I would be driven mad by it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 16:09

We only have one card for a joint account atm and as I was away I took it with me and he was left with cash - he doesn't use a card on it phone either. I have said that he needs to give me 100% honesty as if I find something out that he hasn't said or is another lie then that will be it. I'm of the same thinking about the blind drunk bit... I'm not buying that he doesn't remember. I agree that if he were sober enough to do it and call taxi / me then he knows what happened. I think maybe he doesn't want to go into the details to spare him and / or me... most likely he doesn't want to have to say that he chose to do it. I know he wouldn't have done this sober and when he isn't drinking he is full of kindness and consideration for me. When drinking, not so much. He isn't unkind, just not good at answering his phone or being home on time. Usually this is an annoyance in our relationship which I can tolerate, but obviously this has all put a different slant on things.
I really think the idea of some time apart is a good one, my hear is literally all over the place, I'll have to think on where he can go though as there really aren't many options!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 16:12

shieldmaiden7 · 22/08/2023 16:05

I actually believe he's sorry. But I wouldn't be able to stay where you are. With people possibly knowing what has happened. Questioning if you know or he's kept it a secret. That woman blurting it out at a inappropriate time, even acting inappropriately towards him in the future. Knowing it happened in my house. I would be driven mad by it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Yeah, my head is definitely in this place! He told me it happened in the living room and I'm struggling to be in that room. I've mainly been in the bedroom or at my work desk trying to avoid the front room and praying they didn't come upstairs to our bedroom :(

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 22/08/2023 16:12

I would ask him to leave the home and go stay elsewhere to give you space.

Tbh i think things like this never go away and you'll never trust him again. Id never be able to forget and so I wouldn't be able to forgive and this would be us done. Tbh i think staying just gives the message that hell get away with it it happens again.

At the very least i would end the relationship and say that you can try and work though it whilst separated

I would only get back together if it been working through and i was confident he wouldn't do it again but he absolutely would have to leave right now.

Dolores87 · 22/08/2023 16:14

Trickedbyadoughnut · 22/08/2023 15:54

So he was so drunk he can't really remember (I guess his line is that he can't really be held responsible) but ...

He was sober enough to remember not having money for a taxi, or her and deciding to go back to the house

Sober enough to ring her a taxi

Sober enough to pretend to have been asleep and called you back

Also - it's been some time since I've been in a taxi that didn't take cards ...

He's still lying to you about it all, OP. Massive hugs

This!

LylaLee · 22/08/2023 16:17

He's probably had relationships end because of this before. But he still hasn't learnt.

sparkleshin · 22/08/2023 16:19

wont be the first time

Stratocumulus · 22/08/2023 16:20

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and hope the MN community are helping to distil your thoughts.

Another thing you might ask him to do is get an STI test?
See if he gaslights you on that.
If he’s truly remorseful he’ll follow through.

VeridicalVagabond · 22/08/2023 16:21

I'm glad my husband is a better man. We had an appalling year last year, lots of stress, multiple family deaths, big job change. Incredibly he managed to keep his penis out of other women.

Shocking how low some women's standards are on this thread. "Give him another chance" when he has done this multiple times before and made no effort to prevent it happening again.

So what happens if you give him another chance? Every time you go through something stressful together he must be chained in the garden like an ill behaved dog in case he goes out and accidentally shags someone? Please.

Feverly · 22/08/2023 16:29

Removing your drunkard boyfriend from your child’s home would certainly not be ‘putting her through’ anything. He’s demonstrably an incessant cheat and thinks if he sheds a few tears you’ll be mug enough to stay around for more. Value yourself.

WomanAtWork · 22/08/2023 16:31

If he was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing, and if she is gay - did she consent?

I would be able to get past a fling, I think - it’s the drunken irresponsibility that would bother me. He can’t be relied on when drunk, which is frequently.

I wouldn’t want my dd growing up round someone like that, if I could avoid it

sorry for your heartbreak OP

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 16:33

Stratocumulus · 22/08/2023 16:20

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and hope the MN community are helping to distil your thoughts.

Another thing you might ask him to do is get an STI test?
See if he gaslights you on that.
If he’s truly remorseful he’ll follow through.

That's one of the first things I said! I said I won't be going anywhere near him ever again without one (and I truly mean that). He didn't argue against it, just said that was fine.

OP posts:
Reggiebo · 22/08/2023 16:35

So you give him a chance....how will you feel when it comes to sex..could you have sex with him knowing what you know. Can you actually forgive this or will it be the elephant in the room during every argument in the future. You have time to really think this through. Good luck

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 16:37

Just wanted to say that - obviously it's generally not family's business to know what goes on between couples but when you feel you can't tell them stuff that's important because you know they would hate him for it... it's a rather big and bright relationship red flag 🚩 (because they have your better interests at heart and don't want to see you let down)

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