OH Cheated on me :(

[AmyB13]

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

You've probably been too overwhelmed to answer my query about your Dds bio Dad op, but if there's no relationship or a poor relationship there; that might be another reason he thinks you'll not be getting rid of him, having had him live with you both for a long time, established some kind of parental relationship, and being close to her.

Some fairly despicable men always think single Mums are desperate for a sub father for their child, and won't get rid of him easily once he's a fixture.

he and pub slag

They're both pub slags.

Why does she get a title while he's just "he".

DD has a good relationship with her bio dad, she stays with him regularly.

I reckon he didn't think as far ahead as getting caught until after he was done tbh.

Well that's a really good situation.

At least, if you get rid of him, she still has a positive relationship with a father figure.

Very possibly - but I tend to think that there is a power balance/dynamic in most relationships... Wherein a partner is often aware, even just instinctively, that the other partner would not get rid of them remotely easily.

I did arrange to speak to a therapist for me today though. Ok OP
Please try not to give him ideas/guide him to what he should be begging for from you!
Let him say what hes going to do. You should at least have a minimum check list ie STD test, check OW not pregnant, new bed/couch, booked behaviour therapist, access to all media, crying/begging for forgiveness, never drinking again, never going out without you, doing everything possible to earn your trust etc you will know what else you want to hear - BUT it is important that they come directly from him & not YOU guiding him (or else that's just him agreeing to whatever he thinks you want) it needs to be he really wants to change his life so he can be the man you deserve - anything short of that - bin him. His actions ie if HE (not you doing it) eg booking STD/therapist etc will speak for themselves Good Luck & we are here for you. Take care

please dont give advice

check OW not pregnant

Not a position any decent partner should ever out you in... Plus ow is not communicating.

new bed/couch

Is she going to get him a new dick too?

booked behaviour therapist

For op or him?

Access to all media

Who wants to be IT nanny/police. East yo get around anyway.

crying/begging for forgiveness

meaningless.

, never drinking again

he's a periodic binge drinker and he hasn't stopped in spite of fucking up previous relationship with drunken infidelity.

never going out without you

Ah so why not just chain him in the house. Very healthy and functional.

If someone can't go out without you, you should not be in a relationship with them

.couldn't get hold of my OH all evening
.he was being super shady
.had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!

all of his sounds like the actions of someone who knew exactly what they are doing, he is lying to you and it looks like he planned this meet up as soon as you left

he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house

this is bollocks,
instead of saying " I cheated on you , I'm sorry I fucked up"
he making excuses for his actions, he was drunk, he invited her back and couldn't "control himself" bunch of shit

if you love him and still want to be with him
just accept that he is a liar and can betray your trust at any moment, he will definitely cheat on you again

and be prepared for him to act like a cxnt and treat you like shxt, after you forgive him

> and be prepared for him to act like a cxnt and treat you like shxt, after you forgive him

They do this because they develop contempt for you for putting up with their shit.

^^ exactly

So he had sex with her in the bed you share. Seriously, that would be enough for me. Did he change the sheetsp?

I’m not sure if you can get over this betrayal. You weren’t even away for 24 hrs and he had brought someone back to your family home to shag! What a charmer.

wow. If it were me he would be gone.

how you are managing to stay in the same house with him , I don’t know. I’d have asked him to leave to give you time to process what’s happened .

Excellent post, @LemonyTicket.

Amy, I’m so sorry that your Partner has inflicted this devastating injury on you.

He didn’t protect his fidelity. He made that decision. He wanted to have sex with this OW, and was willing to defile your and your child’s home to do so. He wanted to cover up his adultery, so he lied when you called. When rumbled, he did admit cheating in your house, but feigned vagueness on details and cluelessness about how/why it happened. I don’t buy that. He had an agenda to shag OW, and took advantage of your absence to make it happen.

They contaminated your home for about 2 hours. He was ‘with it’ enough for sex and conversation, to arrange OW’s taxi, and to deviously concoct and deliver his deception. In my view, he remembers everything and is manipulating you with his hazy memory nonsense. He orchestrated this infidelity because he could, and believed he wouldn’t get caught. His crocodile tears are for himself.

I would now feel a strong aversion to both the house and the man who so cavalierly abused my trust and trashed my child’s stability for a cheap thrill.

He needs to experience the sharp consequence of leaving while you process your thoughts/feelings and he works on himself. He is not remorseful, as he is still lying to you and blocking transparency. I wouldn’t even consider reconciling until he comes clean with the whole story and cuts out the minimizations, so you know exactly what you’d be forgiving. He’d also have to dig deep (via IC, infidelity websites, etc.) to investigate his character flaws that enabled his cheating and violation of your and DD’s safe space.

Relationship counselors estimate that restoration of trust after infidelity can take 2-5 years, and that’s when the cheater has moved mountains. For many betrayed partners, the trauma is too great, so it’s game over. It would be for me.

Keep posting for support, Amy.

So the minute you leave for the weekend he brings another woman to your bed. Do you really need to ask if he is worth keeping?

you deserve the comment of the year gong! hahahaha

Hope your ok OP and the talk went the way you needed it to go. Take care of yourself 🤗

I have read most of the thread. I think I am not repeating anyone else’s comment if I say that OP does not in fact, know that the OW was the “tomboyish gay woman” he claimed. He may have just blamed her to minimize the situation because to him it sounds less of a problem than the actual woman he brought home. I think it was a mistake to message her and accuse her of “cowardice” when OP only has the word of an admitted drunken liar to go by.

I hope you find the strength to kick him out, OP, as he does not have the capacity to be truly sorry and to reform. Alcoholics and addicts are unable to truly mourn the destruction they cause because ultimately they are focused on getting back to the next bender. That is what really matters to them.

OP does not in fact, know that the OW was the “tomboyish gay woman” he claimed
I asked how OP knew she was gay and she said she knows the woman, the woman told her she was gay and had a gf.

If it wasn't her, she'd surely have said as much.

I'm sure it's her. If he didn't want w to know who it was he would have picked someone I don't know.

I chatted to him again last night and he hasn't really said anything different about what he supposedly remembers, just that he is very sorry and that he isn't trying to use it as an excuse. He is saying that he is frightened by how he behaved and ashamed. He has already started the process of speaking to a therapist, and will be going to the Sti clinic to get tested.

I feel a bit better after talking to him but have said I don't know whether we will carry on as a couple, that I'm hurt and confused. So things are still very much in limbo :/

So it happened on the weekend. It's Thursday now and he still hasn't bothered to get an sti test. Still 'going to'. FFS.

He said he needs to wait 2 to 4 weeks before having the test as he said he read not all things can be picked up that soon?

If I were you I'd get myself tested.

He is clearly fine with cheating.

He's done it to you before. I'd bet money. (Even if he is putting on performative tears).

Its not he who needs to be tested but you! Frankly I doubt the story that this is the first time in eight years, or that he is all that sorry. If you did something in a fugue state that was this destructive to your relationship you would be devastated and want to get to the bottom of it and prevent a relapse. He is only pretending to care because this will keep you on the hook. If HE really cared he would be altering how s behavior. People’s actions are what matter. Not their words.

Op recently a woman posted that she had a one off drunken one night stand

i and (and some others) said if this is really a one off you park it - and you don’t do it again and don’t tell your DH

things to determine
was this a weird drunken moment when inhibitions were lose
or is he a habitual cheater ?

does he understand the pain he’s caused ?
and does he understand he needs to make amends and change some behaviours ?

to be honest you may not be able to forgive him anyway x

but how he reacts is critical moving forward