OH Cheated on me :(

[AmyB13]

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

that decision to leave is not an easy one... especially because of my DD, not in spite of her.

But as you've pointed out above, the single solitary reason she would want him there is because she doesn't know he's cheated on. And in your home.

You're not going to tell her so she'd be devastated.... Well, you don't have to tell details. You can say he's done something unforgivable. Lots of pots of people have to break up marriages and partnerships without telling kids about cheating, sex worker use etc etc. They manage it.

They say she appropriate things and maybe give full detail when the kids are adults.

You are not protecting her by staying with a man who betrayed you and keeping it from her. You're making her live a lie.

He's not her Dad, she has Dad age has a relationship with. She'll get over it and move on. Kids are very very resilent.

Theoretically, if she was old enough to know about sex and you told her the truth about him bringing another random woman home to your/home and had sex with her; would she want him there or not??

If she could see your upset & devastation as a result, would she want him.there or not?

Thats your answer.

She doesn't have to know full details til she's older.

(her home, I meant to write).

OP you have already decided to stay and you are taking steps to dampen the blow. Living with this longer term is going to be very very hard. I really hope he never ever does this to you again.

My friend found out her dad had cheated on her mum when she was a child. It wrecked the family and they've never been the same since.

She felt like her whole childhood had been a lie.

You said you'd sorted out therapy for yourself. What has he done? Presumably he can show you demonstrably the effort he's putting in.

Showing your dd that you tolerate this will put her in a position one day when she says, "but my mum.put up with this sort of thing 'for the children', so I suppose I will put up with it too."

He might never have done it to you before, but he's told you he destroyed previous relationships for this. It's the way he operates.

Here's my twopence on the big points for what it's worth.

Your DD is 12. I have an 11 yr old and I would tell her why the man she sees as dad is leaving. Not full details, just something age appropriate that made it clear he had done something unforgivable and you and her are worth more than that.

I would be telling him to leave at least temporarily. Him being around is not going to help you process this. It's not your problem he has nowhere to go.

From your description of his reaction, I do think that this is the first time he has done this to you. Unless when he has done it previously, He's had time to compose himself but I don't think that's the case.

How has he been this week and has he said anything? Any word from her?

@AmyB13 I do appreciate what you’re saying, but respectfully you can’t control whether your DD finds out or not in the grand scheme of things. Maybe for now, but if you patch things up and your DD is at the pub with her friends in 5 years time and hears about it there, could you look your daughter in the eye and defend your decision? Could you cope with your daughter pitying you? Or worse yet, your daughter following in those footsteps in her own relationship, can you cope with the fact that she could end up with a boyfriend who cheats on her and you can never be the mother who tells her to walk away, that she deserves better, because actually that would make you nothing but a hypocrite?

I say this as someone who was once the daughter in your situation, be the mother your daughter needs you to be, not the doormat who stays with a cheat.

Also, he hasn’t made “a big mistake”. A mistake is forgetting the milk from the shops, buying the wrong size clothes, burning food in the oven- not bringing another woman into your family home to have sex with her. Please open your eyes to this, he’s done a lot of things but “making a mistake” is not one.

Why is everyone giving op shit and saying

yoI’ve decided to stay !
your poor DD !
he’s got away with it !

none of this is fact and is pure speculation

shes is digesting and has made the VERY good decision to have some therapy to help process this

MN is full of people projecting their own trauma and given how traumatic infidelity is ….

If she was going to put him out, she would have already done so. She's getting therapy to cope with her decision. DH is not going to get tested or get therapy - both of which he would have done straight away if he intended too. He's also not going to change.

People are posting because OP asked for advice. The ones 'projecting' have experience from one position or another. Respectfully no one wishes OP any harm. Would just like to save her the long term trauma.

The OP is in extreme shock and has many factors to consider. Please don't judge or reprimand her. Until you've walked in her shoes you can't know.

Walked in shoes, lived with consequences. Regretted it every single day. Long term cost to MH and self worth. Years of counselling. DC found out and lost massive respect for BOTH of us. DD suffering with self esteem and distrusts ALL men and having counselling. All cases are not the same but I would spare OP that.

Acornsoup

totally respect that was your lived experience
and naturally wish it hadn’t happened

I think it’s good to be mindful around how we language it when speaking to a very upset OP that’s all

your language is very certain
‘she would have
she is doing ‘

Actually we don’t know her , we don’t actually know what’s she’s doing

so some assumptions are being made to fill the gaps….

she does need support

but so many times people language their posts in such a way that they can trigger

and she’s got enough on right now I’d say

@Thisisworsethananticpated

TBH your advice so far about sti testing, derailing the thread, and now about being kind (I don't think anyone HAS been unkind) has served no purpose.

Lived experience IS relevant, as are FACTS.

Nobody wants the OP to suffer any more than she already has. And certainly not at ours hands. If I say it sucks really bad and put flowers on it would that help?

OP please talk to someone that knows and cares about you. This is not your shame. It's his. I wish I knew this

Acornsoup

my sti comment weren’t great and I said that actually

Let’s agree to disagree

First time that you know of.

And if you trusted him why do you field the need to check Google and his phone records. I have always thought the Google tracking thing was so strange. Partners shouldn't be under surveillance. I can't see the advantage of it at all. Unless you are stalking someone expected of cheating.

Not sure why they are fools and you aren't. You also didn't use a condom. Are they skanky because they transmitted an STI, you were also in that line up. Does this make you skanky too? We are all independently responsible for our sexual health. Yes you can blame cheating partners, not sure you can blame their past ones though. You let him put his unsheathed penis inside you before testing.

I have been in your shoes. As much as you tell your self it was only 1 night, he was drunk, she didmt mean anything, it will never go away. It will always taint you. Its very hard to rebuild trust when its gone. Im not saying you shouldnt forgive him, but it wont happen over night. You both have to work through it. This didnt just happen, espically as the woman is known to him. He needs to know that this isnt acceptable behaviour. You to have your own space to think it through. Its really important that he moves out for you to be able to do this. If you do decide to stay with him, then he must promise never to see this woman again, he can drink in another pub if need be. He must also curb his drinking. Good luck. Also get yourself checked for stds.

You let him put his unsheathed penis inside you before testing.

Didn't say that. Learn to read.

And they're skanky because she had and passed on STDs. He had and passed on STDs. They never tested.

I didn't have one til she/he infected me (if I had it for certain, I took the antibiotics as a precaution). And I tested with any new partner. I only had the little contact I had with him without them, because he assured me so sincerely that he'd only been with her and she was super conscientious about std screening.

She's skanky because she told him she was and she wasn't.

The clamydia train stopped at me, because of my actions; not theirs.

Not sure why all this needs explained.

We are all independently responsible for our sexual health

I took responsibility.

They didn't.

Again, not sure why this needs explained.

In his case he was a 21 yr old with a nearly decade older woman and his first regular sexual partner. He at least had youth and youthful stupidity and inexperience.

She didn't.

(because he assured me so sincerely that he'd only been with her - without condoms).

I'm loving your contemptuous, judgy attitude.

How are you doing @AmyB13 ?

@AmyB13 , how are you doing now?

If it helps to give perspective from other side. I cheated on my husband few years back- one night of maddness. Had never cheated before, have not cheated since.

My husband decided to stay and we worked on marriage. For us, therapy was critical. I did individual to unpick why/how I got to that place. There were no excuses for my behaviour. This was my fault and I needed to accept responsibility. Your partner needs to be in the boat for that.

We did couples therapy also. Not actually looking at the cheating per se, but more the full relationship. What was working, what was not. We went in with the mindset of how to improve relationship on all levels vs focusing on the one night. A lot of people would say that was the wrong way to do, but it worked for us.

It's been 4years. We are happy, but it won't ever go away. It's part of our history now.

Thank you everyone for your messages and for checking in on me to see how I'm doing, I really appreciate it.

The weekend was hard. I completely lost my temper at OH. I'm normally a very calm person, don't really express anger, but this rage just came over me. I think it finally hit me what he had done as I'd been in shock up until then. Since then I've just been emotionally exhausted and going through the motions to be honest. OH is still here and we are 'functioning' - I haven't really got the energy to talk about anything with him at the moment.

Now that things are starting to become clearer in my mind I'm starting to see the next steps. I love my OH deeply, I believe he loves me too. I believe he feels bad about what he has done, but I'm not sure yet whether that is because he is genuinely sorry or because he got caught. I'm still unsure whether he has done something like this before as this time just seems to be so easy for him to do. It's not like it was some drunken fumble in a pub car park. He walked her to our home, he was here with her for 2 hours and then he lied so quickly to me about it. He has a lot to say on this, but I'm mainly ignoring his words and trying to see what sits right for me. The fact that it was in our home continues to be an issue for me, but that's got a little easier to be honest.

I know for definite that I do not trust him. This part is the biggest bit for me. How does our life work together if I can't ever trust him again?? I don't want to be policing his every move - that is just not ok - but I also don't want to be living in anxiety about what he is up to.

I suppose I'm just waiting to see what happens next. If he truly is sorry and this was a one off of surely I will know from his actions over the next few months?