OH Cheated on me :(

[AmyB13]

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

When I received the message from her I was in the room with OH phone and he was upstairs so I checked - no messages... I suppose if they had of been messaging though it would have been easy to delete.
No, he hasn't been anywhere since I came home over a week and a half ago now. I think he is scared to leave the house unless I won't let him back in! lol

I'm honestly not looking to blame OW or deflect responsibility. I'm not angry at her, and blame OH entirely.

Ask her, 'how long has this been going on?'

I'm glad you can see that. But you are still facing a problem with your OH. He's still emotionally immature to drink in excess and have sex with someone in your home because he has issues dealing with life stressors.

He's the only one that can change his behaviour by understanding and getting help. It's not easy to acknowledge we need help, but in order to make you trust him again, he needs to a) acknowledge there is a problem and b) find solutions to put in place mechanisms to help him.

I never had the feeling your OH was a serial cheater. I think he loves you and is truly remorseful. But loving you and being ashamed is not going to solve the problem - he needs to go deeper and work on himself before you even think about giving him your trust again.

This is all about him and his issues.

He has talked about speaking to a therapist as he has made mistakes like this in previous relationships and it is always when he's drinking.

You thinking that he's only cheated on you once in 10 years and that it will never happen again is indeed, wishful thinking on your part.

He has cheated in past relationships repeatedly (using alcohol as his excuse) and has never sought therapy or anything to correct this behaviour before. If someone doesn't see a fundamental flaw within themself and seek help because they want to change on their own, they certainly aren't going to do it for you. I believe saying this is just to keep you from leaving. He knows he cheats when he gets drunk (form) and deliberately goes out and gets drunk and brings her home while you're away. It wasn't a mistake, it's a choice he made. Has he ever brought a woman back to your house when he's gone out to drink and you've been home? No, because he's not too drunk to realize how stupid that would be and I don't believe him when he says he was too drunk to really remember how he was able to suddenly bring a woman back to your house and have sex with her while you were gone.

He is a liar. Also, I know that you want to protect your daughter, but you really aren't doing her any favors by thinking you should stay for her sake. Things have a way of eventually coming to light and then kids wonder later why you put up with it (or at the very least, the dynamics of the relationship usually change after something like this, and kids clue in to the tension or animosity in the home and this isn't great for them).

You thinking that he's only cheated on you once in 10 years and that it will never happen again is indeed, wishful thinking on your part. @Mom2K
Especially considering this response:
OP: I then said it's strange how the first time something happens I find out and he got a little defensive saying he doesn't understand why I'm questioning whether this has happened before.
Acting like OP is being unreasonable/nasty/suspicious for bringing the idea up. That's one way to stop someone asking questions.

He's still emotionally immature to drink in excess and have sex with someone in your home

Emotional immature?

And the previous post saying he dies t deal with stress well, and he did it because of stress.

I feel like I've entered the MN twilight zone.

OP said he's been drinking more because of recent stress, that's why people are mentioning his response to stress.

He clearly needs to give up alcohol altogether. If he was serious about OP he would. But even then there's no guarantee that it was all about alcohol. Would be a start, though.

I'm wondering if op would be being called emotionally immature and bad at dealing with stress if she came in here and said she'd brought a vague pub acquaintance back to the home she shares with her partner and her step daughter, and fucked him unprotected, when her partner went away for the weekend. Also that she ignored him phoning her repeatedly and when she answers lied a out where she was and what she was doing

And that she's done this before in the past.

There is no fkg way, even with ppl accusing MN of being partisan towards women, that she would getting "emotionally immature" and "need to learn how to deal with stress" as a response.

Drinking doesn't make you cheat.

Ever see faithful, devoted, lovey dovey, monogamous types drunk .... They're generally getting to to some silly nonsense, drunkenly texting their loved one, drunkenly phoning they're loved one, drunken trying to get back to their loved one, drunkenly talking a out their loved one and any other topic.

They're not heading home with people of the opposite sex, and lying outright to their partner - who's been phoning them repeatedly - and shagging the other people in their partners home.

I don't know if people are being wilfully naive on here or what.

A man too drunk to know what he's doing would rarely be able to get it up and fuck, he'd probably fall asleep. Not be having the where withal to lie to his partner on the phone about where he is and what he's doing, and then walk home with and shag his new found "friend".

As for Ms "gay but not, buy me a drink" .... You have no idea what communication has taken place between them in the period that she's not answered. It's not in either of their interests to not minimise everything. Especially if she's still in a relationship too.

You're right.

Both are lying cheaters. Will lie for an easy life for themselves.

@GilbertMarkham As I say, OP is the one saying that he drinks when stressed, and that he's unpleasant when he drinks. So a discussion on his attitude towards stress and his drinking is not out of place.
Also, if he is blaming it on drink, then asking him to stop drinking is the best way to call his bluff and/or discover whether it really WAS the drink and not just him being a total arsehole.

(I think @Staplesonstamps has hit the nail on the head about why a gay woman might want to sleep with a man.)

A lot of people drink when stressed.

Not everybody is a cheating risk when drunk.

This is all very horse bolted, stable door anyway.

What he's done is deal breaker behaviour.

And it's not like he hasn't had years to get help (if that would really work) to not repeat what he did in a previous relationship sooner or later

Maybe she's bi but currently with a woman.

Isn't there a joke that says that bi people always default to dick ie bi men end up withem and bi women end up with men.

She doesn't sound particularly together in terms of drinks begging etc. Maybe her behaviour was a reflection of her character a d issues, rather than a strategic plan to trap a sperm donor.

It's not like pollen tree hasn't got a million sperm donors if they wanted to do that.
Why do they need to use a local man, with all the down sides of that.

I think ppl are getting a bit carried away.

And it's not like he hasn't had years to get help (if that would really work) to not repeat what he did in a previous relationship sooner or later
Well, quite!
The cheating would be more than enough for me, too. But if OP is determined to stay with this loser, then getting him to stop drinking would make him less unpleasant to be with. And it would be a specific, palpable target for him to achieve, or get kicked out.

OP - Everyone here is going to tell you not to be angry with the OW. So I'm going to say this:

Your DP is the one who betrayed you. He's the one he owes you, and he is responsible for your pain. He's the one that has to face your consequences and he made thus decision all by himself.

But an OW shagged him. So go ahead and hate her, be angry, feel whatever YOU like. You owe her absolutely nothing. Use her photo as a dart board if you like.

Anything YOU feel is okay and completely valid.

I remember I despised the OW and still do. Rightly so. She was a c u next Teusday. And even if she wasn't, I was perfectly within my rights to despise her.

You don't have to care about anyone but you and your daughter. Screw the both of them.

Less unpleasant to be with .... That makes it sound like being cheated on is "unpleasant", .... whereas it's trauma.

And it's very difficult for people to enjoy their life to the max, be the best person, worker, parent etc they can be .... While experiencing trauma.

That's why I find the motivation of keeping op's DD "happy" (only happy because she doesn't know what he's done and how he treats her Mum) for staying with him, ironic.

The "strongest" person in the world can't help but be affected by trauma, upset, pain, hurt, anger etc. It leaks through and you are not the carefree, happy, confident person - and parent : you could otherwise be. It does affect op and it does indirectly affect her DD negatively. Children are very very intuitive and have tremendous emotional intelligence- they know something is not right and they know you're not carefree and happy, no matter how good you imagine you are at hiding it and faking. Cheaters make you, as hard as you try, less happy, less confident, less relaxed, less carefree and that affects your child.

I don't know why op thinks she too "weak" to end the relationship with him at this time

I don't know what her experiences are that leads her to believe that someone who lies to her and cheats on her, loves her.

The only thing that I can think of suggesting is counselling for op.

As for this man .... He sounds like he likes a drink; I can foresee him being pressured to stop drinking becoming something he sees as unreasonable, and will (if he even stops drinking) erode until he's drinking again. I don't think he'll even stop in the first place tbh. The further on he gets from this "incident" without being kicked out, the more complacent and secure he'll feel.

Oh and the "being drunk caused him to cheat" theory is deeply flawed anyway. Being drunk didn't cause it, something in his character, and being drunk caused it. Plenty of ppl binge drink without cheating. In fact being that drunk makes them so eager incapacitated for cheating (!).

All I can say op is, you have a lovely DD, you have forged a positive co-parenting relationship with her Dad by the sound of it, you sound like you have a good jo, you're not a cheater .. .. You sound like a nice person. You're too good for him, he's beneath you. Bringing home a bar fly "gay" woman and fucking her in your home, lying to your face (as such) before he did so, binge drinking periodically ..... You could do better. Being single would be doing better.

I hope you find the strength however you can, to not settle for this.

*somewhat incapacitated for cheating

Everyone here is going to tell you not to be angry with the OW

Or sounds like a flaky mess.
Who knows if she's predatory or vulnerable or a bit of both.

Other women are often that way - because sensible, high integrity, stable, well adjusted women don't usually fuck attached men.

What matters is that a certain type of man won't be able to resist dipping his wick in that type of woman. Won't be able to turn down an opportunity. Won't put loyalty to their long-term partner at the forefront, in fact they'll toss it to the side. Won't consider the possible consequences of becoming intimate with not entirely stable women. .... That type of man is not partner material.

it would be a specific, palpable target for him to achieve, or get kicked out.

He knows he's not getting kicked out.

If he doesn't get kicked out for bringing home a bar fly acquaintance and shagging her in the family home (after lying directly to op about where he was and what he was doing) .... he'll (realistically) think he's not getting kicked out for returning to drink "moderately" after a suitable time has elapsed. I think he knows op isn't getting rid of him no matter what (unless op changes her boundaries significantly)

I'll go further and say that I think that's one of the reasons he went ahead and shagged Ms not so gay. People like to think noone makes calculations like that, esp when drunk; I strongly disagree, I think they do make calculations like that, even drunk .. it may not even by conscious, but they weigh up the possible risk to themselves and they act accordingly. It's perfectly possible his thinking, even if not explicit in his mind, when he made his decisions that night, was "Amy wont find out, but even if she does, she'll not get rid of me for it .... And in the unlikely event that she does, well, it's been a good run, on to the next, life goes on".

(But I think ops self described "weakness" has communicated itself to him, and he thinks (knows?) she's not getting rid of him).

I completely agree with everything you've written

Think I said something similar earlier. The op says she doesn't feel strong enough to leave him.

So what does it matter what the other woman says, what does it matter what he promises he'll definitely look into (several years too late) therapy for why he's done this, nothing matters as the op won't leave. And he knows this.