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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH Cheated on me :(

303 replies

AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 14:29

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
Bewildbefree · 22/08/2023 14:37

My advice is, you don’t have to make the decision now. Is there anywhere you can go to gain some space?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/08/2023 14:42

I'd be telling him to find somewhere to stay whilst you decide whether you still want him.

Inconvenience him. Give him the time to realise what he's done and how bloody hard he's got to work if you decide to try & work through this.

If he's staying elsewhere it will give you space to decide what you really want.

Sorry @AmyB13 . 💐

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 14:44

Is it normal for him to go out and get drunk?

My sticking point wpuld be that ge somehow thought it was shady of him to do so when you were gone. He lied about being in his bed. So either he new you woyld disapprove of him going out. OR he knew you'd disapprove of something he wpuld do WHILE he was out.

Out of interest do your family already dislike him?

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 14:57

Thanks for the replies :) My family like him, but I know what their opinion would be of his behaviour. I would tell them if I was sure it was over but I feel like all the time I'm unsure I should keep it to myself :/
He likes a drink and goes to the pub at least once a week and every so often he gets ridiculously drunk. I knew he was going out on Friday and I knew he would get drunk, but I had no idea that he would do this! He is saying a similar thing, that he doesn't understand why or how it happened. It's impossible for me to know what is true that comes out of his mouth at the moment though as the trust is in shatters. The only reason I'm allowing him to stay is that he seems absolutely crushed by what he has done. There aren't really many options for either of us to go somewhere else, he isn't very close to his family and they live far away plus I don't think either of us want anyone knowing anything at the moment.

OP posts:
80s · 22/08/2023 15:04

Sorry you've been let down so badly OP.

Who said she was gay, was it him?

he doesn't understand why or how it happened
If so then how's he going to stop it happening again? He needs to use his brains a bit more than this.

MsCactus · 22/08/2023 15:06

If I was you I'd only take him back if he promised to stop drinking.

It seems like he maybe wouldn't have done it without the alcohol - so he clearly has an issue with controlling himself under the influence and the alcohol needs to go (if not him)

MsCactus · 22/08/2023 15:07

But equally, LTB if you can't get past it

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:08

80s · 22/08/2023 15:04

Sorry you've been let down so badly OP.

Who said she was gay, was it him?

he doesn't understand why or how it happened
If so then how's he going to stop it happening again? He needs to use his brains a bit more than this.

Ha ha, your message made me laugh... yes, he definitely does need to use his brains more than that! lol. I basically said the same thing to him, that I won't be able to start trusting him again until I know how this could happen and what he is going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. He has talked about speaking to a therapist as he has made mistakes like this in previous relationships and it is always when he's drinking.
Oh and I thought she was gay as that's what she told me and she has a girlfriend!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 15:09

Definately take some space. If it wasnt for you knowing about the taxi/call thing I would have said that at least he had being upfront straight away afterwards going for him.

But either he called you right before he want out, already knowing he was planning to cheat if possible (perhaps already planned to meet that particular woman), hense the lie. Or he called (whilst drunk? Did you not notice noise in the background ect?) on the way home in the taxi with this woman or already home with her. And lied right before shagging her.

You calling him didn't shake him or his plans. He went on with them anyway.

For me, I don't care how remorseful someone is after the fact if they can lie right to me and do it anyway beforehand.

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 15:12

(Again, I'm assuming he wasn't lying about going out because he thought you'd have a problem with him going out though).

LifeExperience · 22/08/2023 15:12

He must promise to stay out of pubs unless he's with you and he must stick to it. If he will not agree to that, you will have a clear answer as to where you fall on his list of priorities, and you can then decide on a course of action.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:15

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 15:09

Definately take some space. If it wasnt for you knowing about the taxi/call thing I would have said that at least he had being upfront straight away afterwards going for him.

But either he called you right before he want out, already knowing he was planning to cheat if possible (perhaps already planned to meet that particular woman), hense the lie. Or he called (whilst drunk? Did you not notice noise in the background ect?) on the way home in the taxi with this woman or already home with her. And lied right before shagging her.

You calling him didn't shake him or his plans. He went on with them anyway.

For me, I don't care how remorseful someone is after the fact if they can lie right to me and do it anyway beforehand.

I spoke to him early in the evening when he was out and then didn't hear from him until gone midnight when he was home. She would have already been and gone as I looked at his timeline in google maps and it shows him getting home at 10pm and I know he called the cab for her around 20 mins before me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:17

LifeExperience · 22/08/2023 15:12

He must promise to stay out of pubs unless he's with you and he must stick to it. If he will not agree to that, you will have a clear answer as to where you fall on his list of priorities, and you can then decide on a course of action.

This is what I've been thinking too... I can't see any other way for there to be trust again, but I also feel bad for asking him not to go out without me.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 22/08/2023 15:17

Once a cheat, always a cheat IMO.
Bin him off, you can do better - you shouldn't have to tell him he can't go to the pub unsupervised because he's at risk of cheating.

I go to the pub without my DW plenty, and I can't imagine a relationship where I couldn't be trusted to go out for a few drinks without dragging someone from the pub home with me.

zurala · 22/08/2023 15:22

He's done this before in previous relationships, so it's a pattern of behaviour he isn't all that bothered about stopping. He just wants you to forgive him and carry on as before.
I think you'd be a fool to forgive him. If it were me he'd be out of the door, the trust is gone, it isn't a one off for him, he doesn't care to work out why or how he did it, he's basically a shit.
You deserve better and your daughter deserves better modelling of what a relationship is. This is a great opportunity to show her how a woman can value herself.
her

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 22/08/2023 15:24

"He has talked about speaking to a therapist as he has made mistakes like this in previous relationships and it is always when he's drinking."

He's done it before, he will do it again. Doesn't know how it happened, my arse. Did she trip and fall on his dick? Don't waste your life on this man.

NarcNarc · 22/08/2023 15:25

Erm, he can’t have been that drunk if he managed to shag this woman can he?

Also, he’s only ‘crushed’ because you know what he’s done.

Ffsjustltb · 22/08/2023 15:33

Normally I always think Leave. But somehow your first posts made me think maybe try to work through this. Then you said he had form, and has done it in previous relationships. So, you are just part of a list of events.
Just kick him out.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:33

To be fair, we have been together 8 years and this is the first time this has happened in our relationship... things have also been very difficult for us over the past 6 months - he has an older daughter who had some serious mental health issues, my step dad passed away and then a month later my nan passed away. Things have been very stressful which is why I think he went and had a drinking blow out. I would like to think that he didn't plan for it to happen but then I seriously sound like I'm defending him right now!! It's hard for me to hear that I should leave. A few days ago I was in love and trusted this man. He is my entire world. I'm struggling to accept that it may be over and he will just became a person I used to love :'(

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 15:34

Ah I getcha. That changes it a bit but I mean imagine being bold enough to answer the phone to you right after!

Tbh...if he knows getting shitfaced stops him caring about cheating then he shouldn't have drank that much ever again. I suspect he just uses the drink as an excuse for it tbh.

Johnisafckface · 22/08/2023 15:36

if it was a one off I'd give him another chance. but since he has form for doing shit like this in previous relationships, he's not going to stop now. And i couldn't live peacefully wondering when, not if, he would do it again.

Cosycover · 22/08/2023 15:37

I would consider staying. But on the condition that he stops drinking. And that he never goes into that pub again.

BarrelOfOtters · 22/08/2023 15:40

Lots of crap stuff has happened to me over the past few years, but I haven't accidentally slept with anyone. That isn't an excuse.

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 15:41

I didn't even know you could have a joint contract and check other people's call log. I think in your heart we'll before this something either was not right or missing.

caerdydd12 · 22/08/2023 15:42

In my experience things like this never really go away. It'll be on your mind for the rest of your relationship every time you have a night out together, or you're away without him. It ends up leading to resentment and paranoia, I wish I'd left my ex after something similar years before I did. I couldn't forgive and forget, not really, he'd irrecoverably changed in my eyes and wasn't the man I thought he was.