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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH Cheated on me :(

303 replies

AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 14:29

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:08

Anyway, he was able to get a taxi to take him back to your home on the basis that he's get cash out of the house when he arrived.

Somehow he had to include her in that; how come noone else could help her out - does she have zero friends, acquaintances, what about her partner? Does she usually go out drinking on her own and end up latching onto/dependant on vague acquaintances (because it doesn't sound like they're mates)?

He, out of everyone here, had to be the person who helped her/sorted her transport issues out?

He who also, coincidentally, shagged her when she went home with him.

🙄

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:26

Also, just thinking this through.

If she only came back in the taxi with him, to be lent cash/have her taxi paid for .... Would t they have told the taxi driver that and prepared them for continuing on the journey to her home??

The obvious thing to do would be for her to stay in the taco, him to grab the cash, pay the driver for both journeys or for his, and give her the cash for hers. Why would she even get out of the taxi and go into your home?

The totally obvious thing you'd ask the tact driver when you got in would be could be continue on to get place after stopping at your for cash.

In the vast majority of cases the taxi driver would accept that and take the second fare, rather than have to go from a drop off to a new pick up, and waste time getting there for another fare. He already had another fare in his raci, no travel to pick up necessary.

The story doesn't make any sense

It would only be if the driver point blank refused to continue on with her, which seems unlikely.
Even then, coming in to order a new racy and wait didn't need to end in shagging.

But I think they went home, your home, together, intending that from the start.

I'm sure she had other options to get home.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 12:32

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:26

Also, just thinking this through.

If she only came back in the taxi with him, to be lent cash/have her taxi paid for .... Would t they have told the taxi driver that and prepared them for continuing on the journey to her home??

The obvious thing to do would be for her to stay in the taco, him to grab the cash, pay the driver for both journeys or for his, and give her the cash for hers. Why would she even get out of the taxi and go into your home?

The totally obvious thing you'd ask the tact driver when you got in would be could be continue on to get place after stopping at your for cash.

In the vast majority of cases the taxi driver would accept that and take the second fare, rather than have to go from a drop off to a new pick up, and waste time getting there for another fare. He already had another fare in his raci, no travel to pick up necessary.

The story doesn't make any sense

It would only be if the driver point blank refused to continue on with her, which seems unlikely.
Even then, coming in to order a new racy and wait didn't need to end in shagging.

But I think they went home, your home, together, intending that from the start.

I'm sure she had other options to get home.

Hi GilbertMarkham, thank you for replying to my thread.
He didn't have a bank card on him as we only have 1 for our joint account atm which I had. Our house is a 10 min walk from the pub which is why he is saying he walked back here with her to get more cash, as there was cash at home.
I confronted him about all of this again earlier today and he isn't budging on the fact that he doesn't remember much or doesn't know how it could happen. I told him I think that's BS and that he needs to start being honest or that's it. He then said he doesn't know what to say as that is the truth. I then said it's strange how the first time something happens I find out and he got a little defensive saying he doesn't understand why I'm questioning whether this has happened before. I nearly exploded at that point!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 12:39

I just can't walk away at the moment. I'm saying to him that I need a lot of time to think about this and that I'm not sure whether I can move past this. I feel that I need more time to process what's happened and get my head together, I mean I only found this out yesterday! I won't be going near him until he has had an STI test, if I can ever bring myself to be intimate with him again... I don't know yet. He tried to kiss me yesterday and I had to turn away. As for the pregnancy issue... f knows what to do about that. It was one of the first things I said after finding out, he reckons he didn't cum... who knows whats true though. I don't think I could cope with a pregnancy, that would have to be it.
With regards to my DD, she has never seen him drunk, I wouldn't let that happen. He doesn't get drunk very often and when he does, she is in bed or at her dads etc. They have a very close, loving relationship and I know she will be absolutely devastated if he left or she found out about this. I also take on the points around setting an example for her. I am thinking about that seriously. I think I just need more time. Yesterday I was a crying wreak, today I am more numb and angry.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:46

Sorry, autocorrect has put every possible word other than taxi, in place of taxi

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:48

Our house is a 10 min walk from the pub which is why he is saying he walked back here with her to get more cash, as there was cash at home.

Ah, I see.

I presumed it was by taxi and I was wondering why she'd have had to get out of the taxi.

Im still highly skeptical why he, out of everyone, had to help her sort her transport home and lend her cash. He doesn't even know her very well, does he?

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:51

They have a very close, loving relationship

That just makes it worse that he's risk your relationship and household for a shag with a cheating (presuming she's still with her gf) bisexual random acquaintance.

Sorry, like you, I don't believe someone can be with it enough to get it up and have penetrative sex with someone they know is not their partner of 8 yes, while simultaneously being so out if it they're unaware of their actions or any implications.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 12:53

He doesn't know her that well. We usually see her once every 6 months as he doesn't usually drink at the pub we go to anymore.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 23/08/2023 12:53

I confronted him about all of this again earlier today and he isn't budging on the fact that he doesn't remember much or doesn't know how it could happen.

He was so drunk he doesn't remember much about shagging her. But was able to within 15 mins or so of shagging her, he had the wherewithal to proactively lie to you and have a cover story when you called. How does explain that conflict?

He was so drunk he doesn't remember much about shagging her. But he remembers that he didn't cum.

monsteramunch · 23/08/2023 12:54

Should have said:

He was so drunk he doesn't remember much about shagging her. But within 15 mins or so of shagging her, he had the wherewithal to proactively lie to you and have a cover story when you called. How does explain that conflict?

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:54

he isn't budging on the fact that he doesn't remember much or doesn't know how it could happen

Yes, I can imagine his memories would be inconvenient.

Mensuckbigtime · 23/08/2023 12:56

Yeah I was going to say.

If he got it up to shag her, he can't have been that drunk that he can't remember anything.

Bullshit

So sorry OP

Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 12:57

monsteramunch · 23/08/2023 12:53

I confronted him about all of this again earlier today and he isn't budging on the fact that he doesn't remember much or doesn't know how it could happen.

He was so drunk he doesn't remember much about shagging her. But was able to within 15 mins or so of shagging her, he had the wherewithal to proactively lie to you and have a cover story when you called. How does explain that conflict?

He was so drunk he doesn't remember much about shagging her. But he remembers that he didn't cum.

Yep, totally agree. I think he does remember but is using the not remembering card to soften the blow, I think he thinks he makes it easier for me (and him) if he can say that. He doesn't realise that he just sounds like an idiot and is making it worse. I also reckon that he is saying he doesn't remember so that he doesn't have to answer too many questions!

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:58

AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 12:53

He doesn't know her that well. We usually see her once every 6 months as he doesn't usually drink at the pub we go to anymore.

Yeah, there must be any number of people who would be more appropriate to take responsibility for getting her home.

The fact that they ended up shagging says it all.

LadyEloise1 · 23/08/2023 12:59

As @80s wrote -
".....he doesn't understand why or how it happened.
If so how's he going to stop it happening again ?....... "

I wondered this too.

Every time he goes to the pub alone, gets drunk and you're away it might happen again. With her or someone else.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 13:00

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 12:58

Yeah, there must be any number of people who would be more appropriate to take responsibility for getting her home.

The fact that they ended up shagging says it all.

Show quote history

I agree. I think he knew what would happen when he left the pub with her. I think he had enough alcohol in him to not care or to justify it somehow. I think he believed he was smart enough to not get caught too.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 13:01

Also he didn't have a cash card and presumably burned through the cash he took out with him/spent more than he intended .... Is she someone who somehow didn't have a cash card either?

That would be extremely unusual. Why couldn't she go to a cash machine instead of lending it off a vague acquaintance who had to go to his house to get it?

Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 13:02

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 13:01

Also he didn't have a cash card and presumably burned through the cash he took out with him/spent more than he intended .... Is she someone who somehow didn't have a cash card either?

That would be extremely unusual. Why couldn't she go to a cash machine instead of lending it off a vague acquaintance who had to go to his house to get it?

It actually wasn't surprising to me that she didn't have cash. I've known her to go out with hardly anything and them bum drinks off people.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 23/08/2023 13:02

Most pubs will give you cashback these days.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 13:04

AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 13:02

It actually wasn't surprising to me that she didn't have cash. I've known her to go out with hardly anything and them bum drinks off people.

Show quote history

She sounds like a flaky mess. And unfortunately your (possibly ex) partner is the type to shag flaky messes when he's drunk and you're out of town.

Acornsoup · 23/08/2023 13:05

AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 12:53

He doesn't know her that well. We usually see her once every 6 months as he doesn't usually drink at the pub we go to anymore.

I know jointly you see her every 6 months or so. Are you absolutely certain this isn't a thing. A dear friend of mine carried out an affair in plain sight for several months. Her DH would have said she was absolutely faithful. She and her affair partner were just very good at covering their tracks. Who does he usually go out with? Start there OP. Wives and GF get tired of covering up for cheaters.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 13:05

They're both beneath you op.

Birds of a feather.

People find their level.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 13:10

I did wonder whether this was more of a thing and whether something else had happened before. I really don't know though. I can't really remember the last time I saw her or he mentioned seeing her. When he goes to the pub alone he tells me who is there usually and when we go together I don't see her. Though to be honest I only go there around once a month, he probably goes once a week. When he goes though it will usually be a Tuesday 2pm til around 6pm. I messaged her on facebook but she ignored me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 13:14

And tbh when he told me it was her I was genuinely shocked. There are lots of other women down there that I would have suspected but not this one. She is supposedly gay, very tom boyish, not overtly sexualised and not flirty or anything like that... I'm not even sure I would have believed she could cheat on her gf let alone sleep with a guy.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 13:14

AmyB13 · 23/08/2023 13:00

I agree. I think he knew what would happen when he left the pub with her. I think he had enough alcohol in him to not care or to justify it somehow. I think he believed he was smart enough to not get caught too.

Show quote history

I would be inclined to think you're right op.

And so you have to think about the logic of staying with a man who thinks this way and is willing to take these risks; for the sake of your dd. Because her value on him (in the innocence of a child in general and ignorance of this in particular) is not reciprocated by him. It only takes a bit of alcohol and an opportunity for him to ok cheating on her Mum and covering it up, or taking the risk of cheating and being discovered.

The sad reality is that he doesn't care about being in your lives, with integrity as much as you care (d) about him being in yours.