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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH Cheated on me :(

303 replies

AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 14:29

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
Feverly · 22/08/2023 16:37

A man who regularly gets ridiculously drunk and as a result ‘doesn’t understand’ how his penis went in a woman should not be near your child OP. Unless of course he is full of shit. But still, drunken liar shouldn’t be near your kid.

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 16:37

To be fair, we have been together 8 years and this is the first time this has happened in our relationship.

It should never happen though.

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 16:38

BarrelOfOtters · 22/08/2023 15:40

Lots of crap stuff has happened to me over the past few years, but I haven't accidentally slept with anyone. That isn't an excuse.

Same

Freeme31 · 22/08/2023 16:46

OP so sorry your having to deal with this, i know you say it was because he was drunk, stress etc but you had same stresses and didn't ask nearest man to shag you. He can get away with this (he knows this & has form for it). Can you really see yourself being where she has been with him - ask why he didn't want to stop this obviously losing you over-rode his selfish need to have sex with her. Take time away from him to digest this as your looking at excuses for his behaviour

Original poster
AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 16:52

Freeme31 · 22/08/2023 16:46

OP so sorry your having to deal with this, i know you say it was because he was drunk, stress etc but you had same stresses and didn't ask nearest man to shag you. He can get away with this (he knows this & has form for it). Can you really see yourself being where she has been with him - ask why he didn't want to stop this obviously losing you over-rode his selfish need to have sex with her. Take time away from him to digest this as your looking at excuses for his behaviour

Yeah, I think in the moment that's exactly what happened. I have always known he has had form for this and it made it hard for me to trust him in the beginning, esp as I have been cheated on before. Over the years I've managed to trust him though as although he has some issues with drinking, he has never seriously let me down and is wonderful to me in other ways. No-ones perfect right? But a lot of what you are all saying is really making me see just how many excuses I'm making here.

OP posts:
skinnytobe · 22/08/2023 17:07

I couldn't stay,

Not only did he cheat on you, he did it in your space. The that's enough for me.

Two years down the line, you go away with your DD again, or a friend. That weekend will be mostly spent wondering what he's up to or who he's with.

Trust is a big thing, it's taken you 8 year to build that trust up and he's got rid of it in one night. In your home. Are you going to struggle for another 8 years to build it back up?

LadyLolaRuben · 22/08/2023 17:08

Hes got form for this behaviour and succumbed. He had opportunities to change the course of events but didn't. You'll never forget this. You'll never feel comfortable in your home or at least for a long time. You'll not want him going out drinking. The relationship will never be the same.

Its a case of...you're entering a new relationship, do you want it to be with him after what he did because the old unblemished one has gone? You can't go back to how it was - I've tried myself and couldn't. Don't make a final decision yet there's no rush but, get him out the house, you need space and time. Personally, I'd be having a few private words with the woman making sure she never crossed me again, especially entering the house and behaving like that. Id also tell her partner

strawberry2017 · 22/08/2023 17:13

It happened because he wanted it to happen and he let it happen.
No other reason.
He can make all the excuses in the world but realistically that's the crux of it!

Cucucucu · 22/08/2023 17:30

You won’t like my reply but you must leave him , he cheaters and not only cheated but with someone local ?? Everyone will know and your daughter will learn that cheating is fine because her mum teaches her that

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/08/2023 17:40

So not only does he cheat, but he cheats in your HOME? With someone you will likely see again? Jeezo, just no! He’d be out - he’s humiliated you and made a mockery of your relationship. So sorry op.

sodthesodoff · 22/08/2023 18:17

So he brought a woman back to your house. Where you and your daughters stuff is. And had sex. Lied. Fobbed you off and lied. Then only admitted when he had to

He was so drunk he can't remember. But sober enough to have sex and get her a cab and oh lie to you again. He knew what he was doing. He wasn't that drunk.

Oh and he 'talks' about getting therapy. Because he's done this before. Knows it's bad. Slaps wrist. But not actually got round to doing it. Or stopping drinking to such extents it gets him in shit. Oh so he's not THAT bothered about cheating then.

Why do you not want people to know? Because they'll all tell you you're worth more and to dump his sorry cheating arse? Do you not believe you're worth more?

Start telling people. Mutual friends. Family.

He's done this. He's done it before and he'll do it again.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/08/2023 18:32

LifeExperience · 22/08/2023 15:12

He must promise to stay out of pubs unless he's with you and he must stick to it. If he will not agree to that, you will have a clear answer as to where you fall on his list of priorities, and you can then decide on a course of action.

Very good advice. He was sorry and ashamed, which is a start. But if he won’t make that sacrifice to save your relationship, you’ll know what’s more important to him.

Frogger8395 · 22/08/2023 18:54

Cheating is a type of abuse. And he’s got form for it. I’m surprised so many women are advising you to forgive.

The emotional cos of forgiving these men is extremely high and has no benefit for you. He made the choice to risk your relationship and also to violate your home in this way. Unforgivable.

Monkeylimas · 22/08/2023 19:03

Whose house is it?

You are not married?

No kids together.

If it’s your house and you are unmarried it’s a no brainier get rid.

Monkeylimas · 22/08/2023 19:05

If I Had a history of accidentally falling into bed with people when I was drunk and I valued my relationship I would have stopped drinking 8 years ago as that suggests a drink issue.

Anothernamethesamegame · 22/08/2023 19:13

I would struggle to stay with someone in this situation as I find it hard to forgive and wouldn’t be able to move on. However my uncle cheated on my aunt early on in their marriage, they stuck together and 20 yea on honestly have the most lovely relationship I have ever seen.

I think time apart will help you process what has happened and decide what you want.

If you do decide to try to repair the relationship there needs to be strict boudaries /aims and you need to end it immediately if he can’t stick to them. For me one boundary would have to be him giving up alcohol as apparently that was a big factor.

I hate to mention it but did he use protection? Is there a chance of pregnancy?

Dolores87 · 22/08/2023 19:18

AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 15:08

Ha ha, your message made me laugh... yes, he definitely does need to use his brains more than that! lol. I basically said the same thing to him, that I won't be able to start trusting him again until I know how this could happen and what he is going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. He has talked about speaking to a therapist as he has made mistakes like this in previous relationships and it is always when he's drinking.
Oh and I thought she was gay as that's what she told me and she has a girlfriend!

Show quote history

So basically hes done it before and he will do it again.

Theres your answer.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 22/08/2023 19:19

I have zero tolerance for cheating, but it sounds as though you value the relationship and would like to find a way through this. Sounds like he does too…he told you rather than waiting to be found out. It’s nobody else’s business but yours so I would suggest seeking professional and confidential relationship counselling to see if there is a way for you both to work through this. Be kind to yourself.

Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 19:27

He fucked another woman in yours and your daughter’s home the moment you went away. He’s now lying and pretending he was too drunk to remember. Will you ever be able to get over that?

I could never forgive that behaviour, not after the year you’ve had, and not to mention his propensity to get so completely wasted in the pub that he does this shit. You allude to him having infidelity ‘form’.

CapEBarra · 22/08/2023 19:39

Trickedbyadoughnut · 22/08/2023 15:54

So he was so drunk he can't really remember (I guess his line is that he can't really be held responsible) but ...

He was sober enough to remember not having money for a taxi, or her and deciding to go back to the house

Sober enough to ring her a taxi

Sober enough to pretend to have been asleep and called you back

Also - it's been some time since I've been in a taxi that didn't take cards ...

He's still lying to you about it all, OP. Massive hugs

He was also sober enough to put his willy into her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/08/2023 19:40

The fact he's agreed to do an STI test makes me wonder whether they didn't use a condom. Which then makes me worry in case of pregnancy.

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/08/2023 19:45

How do you know he hasn't done this before? Did he use a condom? I think he's full of lies saying he doesn't remember. Also he was home for 10 so he couldn't have been blackout drunk that quick surely as he only went out early evening. Are you sure this wasn't arranged?
I would want to forgive but I don't think I could forget, especially as it was in your home and with someone you know and the night you happened to be away. It all seems too convenient

Caprisunny · 22/08/2023 19:53

So it just happened.

She just happened to not be able to get a taxi the night you are away
She just happened to decide it was his house she would go back to. He just happened to be drunk enough to think that was a good idea. He just happened to think being her back to your home when you weren’t there was a good idea.

He happened to bring her back to your home. Just happened to kiss her and just happened to put his dick her? It just happened to be when you weren’t there?

But he also just happened to be able to get her a taxi home. An awful lot ‘just happened’. It actually looks like choices

FlamingYam · 22/08/2023 19:59

I'm really sorry to bring this up if you haven't thought it already but if he has agreed to an STI test, does that mean it was unprotected? There is also a risk of pregnancy and he needs to ensure that risk is not there either by contraception or morning after bill.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would ask him to leave until you're ready to have him in the house.

HerAvatar · 22/08/2023 20:03

So he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing but sober enough to speak/lie to you 15 minutes after she left? I'd have a really good think about that if I were you OP Flowers