OH Cheated on me :(

[AmyB13]

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

You are clearly going to forgive him and he will clearly will be doing it again . Until your daughter realises this is normal so any future partners will then do the same to her and she will accept it because …. Well because that’s what she learned from you .
Cut the cycle !

I'm really sorry this is happening to you but it isn't adding up, she had no where to stay but also left after the deed was done? Then even if she had no where it doesn't just leap from that to sex. I don't think he is being very upfront about any of this. Big holes in his story and saying what he needs to go get your forgiveness. When he told you was it because you were questioning him or did he say it off his own back? Not that it makes it any better but might give a hint he is really sorry.

Also read you said you would feel guilty for not letting him go out in his own. I really wouldn't feel like that. The only way you will be able to make this work is to regain trust and how are you ever going to trust him when he puts himself in situations where he made the mistake. It wouldn't be fair on you and he should feel guilty for going knowing how it would make you feel. Your feelings would be completely justified too.

Also I read about the previous cheat and I think that should be a lesson you. Walking away now might in the long run be the best thing. Unless you can truly forgive and forget which I know I wouldn't be able to do. This will be something that will forever haunt you.

Massive difference between a drink snog and sex. As painful as it might be, think how much must have lead up to the sex. You don't just go from 0 to sex. At any point he could have stopped it but he chose not to.

On the subject of his periodic binge drinking and your young DD;

You've said she doesnt see him drunk and you wouldnt allow that but;

Kids see and hear a lot more than you think.

They take what they see at face value and usually wouldn't criticise.

It'll be increasingly harder to keep it from her as she's getting older.

You shouldn't have to make sure a binge drinker drunk man coming home to get house is kept out of sight of her.

He's now a proven cheater on top of the periodic binge drinking.

The only reason I think that there was nothing long term going on is there really wasn't anything to suspect before... he wasn't hiding his phone or anything like that. Also, I think when we try to not talk about someone, then we mention them by accident in conversation. Also, I knew straight away that something was wrong. Everything was different about the way he was behaving. He tried to lie which is wrong, but I actually do understand why a person's first reaction would be to lie in that situation. I think he panicked. His lies were so awful though and it took literally no effort to get him to a place where he told me. So, I do believe he probably wanted me to find out. I'm not saying that it's ok though or that I will stay, it's just something playing on my mind.

I feel so angry on your behalf OP.

The fact he did it in your house, your daughter's home, is fucking disgusting. Next level disrespectful.

Has he said where in the house he did it?! I can't imagine sitting on the sofa / sleeping in the bed etc he did it in.

What he's done is bring this right into the centre of your world by doing it in your home.

God what a bastard.

Exactly!

They have a very close, loving relationship

Where's her Dad in this, does she not have a close, loving relationship with him?

(Anyway it's not that loving when he can't turn down the town's flaky, drink-bumming, out with no money, nowhere to stay (?!) attached bisexual for a shag when her Mum goes out of town, out of respect for her Mum, her, their family unit etc.).

He hasn't bloody forgotten or can't remember what happened! He just doesn't want to face it!
Personally, I draw the line at cheating. I wouldn't ever be able to get past it but that might be different for you and I don't think you should rush to any decisions right now while you're still in shock.
I definitely would tell him to leave to give you space to think. I wouldn't give a flying shit if that meant him sleeping in his car. He needs to realise that this has rocked your world and he needs to give you time to process it.

So, I do believe he probably wanted me to find out

Quite. I’d actually say he’s gone to great lengths to make sure you find out. Acting dodgy with his phone, choosing someone local that you know, and the grand finale, fucking her in your house.

You say he’s done this previously. So he will know the emotional trauma cheating causes. And he’s chosen to do this to you. I would throw him the fuck out.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

And from experience, you might now be trickle-truthed with things, which is extremely painful.

If he was truly remorseful he wouldn't get angry when questioned and openly answer any questions or doubts that you have.

He has done this to you, and he should be moving heaven and earth to show you this remorse. You are entirely within your rights to question everything and anything that has happened after this.

How will you teach your daughter self respect, self worth, how not to pick shit boyfriends in her future? Will you be happy if she follows your example? And of course she knows he’s a drunkard.

Sorry, just keep noticing things that seem significant;

as he has made mistakes like this in previous relationships and it is always when he's drinking."

They're not really mistakes now, are they?

If he's cheated in, and subsequently damaged/lost relationships in the past - (he claims) due to drinking; why hasn't he gotten the counselling he's now mentioning and resolved this before now? Before entering into a relationship with anyone let alone a mother and becoming a step father figure?

Why was he ok with just letting things go on until he repeated it; badly hurting another woman (and her DD)?
Why hasn't he pursued counselling and stopped drinking if he couldn't drink moderately or if his decision making is so "dire" while drunk?
Why were you just a other experiment/laissez faire scenario.... Until he fucked up and devastated you and affected your household which includes a young girl?

He sounds selfish and irresponsible and flaky. He's not a good role model to have around a girl/young woman.

He drinks too much, he's a cheater, he's done all this (more than once by the sounds of it) before and yet he hasn't learned lessons or done anything about it; he's just played Russian roulette with a mother and her daughter (whom he's let a bond form with).

I'm surprised it's taken 8 years. Maybe it hasn't.

Or maybe it was just the "right" combination of circumstances - you away, free house, a woman coming onto him/up for it, your relationship long enough for him to have become some combo of jaded, complacent, 7 year itch .... I can only guess. I would seriously consider the possibility that he just doesn't care enough about the relationship any more and is willing to risk it (even with your dd involved).

You need space to think - he should move out even temporarily. You have to show him there are consequences- he has done this before so he knows full well the emotional trauma it causes - but he obviously does not care enough about you or your daughter he choose to hurt you - (yes shagging another woman was a choice) why do you think he cares now about you both but didn't care 3 days ago? Or why do you think he deserves more chances? . You need space to think about this or are you just scared of being on your own ? You & your daughter deserve better surely. I really feel for you but stop making excuses for him - he wasn't thinking about you when he was with OW

This

(I mean he's crying and panicking now he's been caught and the decision to leave (if and when) is possibly out of his hands; bit that's typical cheater behaviour. The risk taking, the cavalier-ness, the little vein of indifference/devaluation can still be there.

I can’t believe you’re allowing this complete stupid cunt to remain in your daughter’s home. Truly.

I’d actually say he’s gone to great lengths to make sure you find out. Acting dodgy with his phone, choosing someone local that you know, and the grand finale, fucking her in your house.

He was drinking/drunk and wasn't probably paying enough attention to his phone.

He probably thought this woman would keep.it quiet if she still has a partner herself.
After all, she's not engaged with op at all now she's contacted her.

He probably just took her back to their house because it was free, convenient, walkable etc.

Op thinks he couldn't hold it/wanted to tell her after he did it, and maybe that's true.bim not convinced about him wanting her to find out and end the relationship overall though.

He's begging and bargaining and trying to be intimate etc.

I still think his hand may have been forced by a third party.

As for acting out - if this is your usual behaviour (and he's had practice) I don't think you would necessarily panic, mention the other person a hundred times. Are you sure you have the right accomplice?

What did your message on Facebook say? Has she actually read it and if so, have you since been blocked?

I sent her two messages, the first was on the Saturday asking her what had happened and the second message I sent yesterday after OH had told me. I basically called her a coward for not replying to me and how could she come into my home and do what see did. I also said if she wanted to offer me an explanation or apology then I would listen to it, if not then she should f off and stay away from me. She has read both messages but I've had no replies.

oh and she hasn't blocked me

Yeah you need to take your anger towards the woman and place it firmly at the man you loved and trusted with your daughter who brought a woman into your family home to fuck while you were gone

No point being angry with her. She's not the one who's betrayed you is she.

He'll be messaging her too, telling her to keep her mouth shut/what to say.

He probably told her a whole lot of shite about how you two had split up or were on the rocks or something. He'll have told her you're the crazy ex.
Tbf she might still think he's been honest after reading your message...

Yeah I agree with you and I really could have said a lot more than I did, I was careful not to take it out on her. But at the same time, she is someone I know so I feel that it is ok to be angry at her too. Of course I am mainly angry at OH, however that is slightly more complicated as I'm in love with him and share my life with him. The hurt is overwhelming so it's not so easy to just be mad.