Affairs

[Theanswersalemon]

People who begin new relationships by cheating on their spouse/paerner end up "trading down" from their spouse. Often way down. Do you agree, or not?

Perhaps it is. Then again maybe I'm sitting on the sofa with a packet of Jammie dodgers, passing some time

In the context of the original question you asked, you know very well the implication you were trying to make when you made those comparisons - otherwise you'd have chosen other attributes. As a PP has said, it's sad that you see people as a commodity to be traded.

You seemingly don't want to understand or introspect - you want to justify your opinions because you're presumably angry/hurt. The fault lies with the people who have affairs, and no one is a 'downgrade' or 'upgrade'. That's all.

What are your reasons for asking about this @Theanswersalemon?

What's prompted you to ask this now?

What's your own thinking on this or are you asking because you've not formed much of an opinion so far?

MY affair partner definitely traded up when he met me !
he is now my DP and he still says he is punching above his weight...
i don't think that , i fell in love with someone who was very well suited to me and vice versa....
my dexh traded up as in he now has a lovely same sex partner ( so he got the relationship he should always have had)

In order to inject some balance into the discussion;

I only know of 3 women who had affairs.

One was a train driver and her husband worked in a factory. She cheated with her married boss. She and her husband split up but when she was free the married boss dumped her.

Another was a manager in a well-known food company. She cheated with her married boss. She and her husband (who worked in a lab) split up but then the married boss lost interest. She and her husband tried to reconcile but she decided that it wasn't working and left again.

The last one was a shorthand typist married to a lecturer. She cheated with another married lecturer (the husband's best friend in fact) She split up with her husband but the affair partner stayed with his wife.

I can see a pattern here.

Why does it matter to you 'why' or what my opinions are?

"You seemingly don't want to understand or introspect - you want to justify your opinions because you're presumably angry/hurt. "

You seem to make a lot of assumptions and presumptions. When we create these stories about what we think is going on in another person’s head we are usually the star of the show, but actually we don’t have a clue and we are not as important as we think we are.

You seem to make a lot of assumptions and
presumptions. When we create these stories about what we think is going
on in another person’s head we are usually the star of the show, but
actually we don’t have a clue and we are not as important as we think we
are

I don't understand are you aiming this at @retinolalcohol ?

Because this is literally what she is acusing you of.

You really don't believe humans are equal do you, that everyone deserves respect until their actions show otherwise.

I agree that you have been hurt by people who had different values and moral standards but that had nothing to do with their wealth, lack of privilege or class.

It was their deficiencies with lack of empathy not their lack of funds or social standing.

@MrsMagistrate "You really don't believe humans are equal do you, that everyone deserves respect until their actions show otherwise."

Is that a question or a statement?

@MrsMagistrate "I agree that you have been hurt by people who had different values and moral standards "

That's interesting but you're not me, so you couldn't know what I think/thought/am thinking or feel/felt/am feeling.

It isn't appropriate for you to try to define my reality for me, it's Covert Verbal Abuse and it's sneaky.

And that seems like an eminently sensible course of action. No-one has to stay anywhere where they are thoroughly miserable.

(It's the cheating I have an issue with not the leaving.)

I know two guys who did that.

One had married his wife when she became pregnant and 15 years down the line he couldn't stand it any longer and left. His daughter was 14, I think.

The other guy left because he wanted to be a woman.

@retinolalcohol

Totally not the point of thread but I am now desperately craving a pack of Jamie dodgers! It's like a childhood dream comfort snack ❤️

The pattern that women only have affairs with men in positions of power?!

I am not sure that is true, at all

You lot are absolutely hopeless! It's like a Noel Coward play on here at times.

4,000 cheaters can't be wrong !

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/cheating-study_n_4032035

Thanks for the compliment - Noel Coward was a very successful playwright, and witty as well !

Honestly, I feel for you. You seem very bitter, but belittling other women and talking about them as downgrades in terms of career/looks etc feels very cruel.

Every case is individual. Maybe the person isn't as conventionally pretty, but they are more suited in terms of personality (kinder, positive outlook). They may be more/less educated, have more/less money.

At end of day they choose the other person for a reason. It's not to say it wasn't cruel and the cowards approach, but to say all affair partners are downgrades does not show you in a positive light at all

This thread is really interesting.
Mumsnet repeatedly makes me laugh with the 'you sound bitter" thing.
It's mumsnet code for:
"I disagree with you so I am going to slap you down and put you in your place by saying that you sound bitter"

Which study shows that the cheaters value their APs for the emotional component of feeling appreciated, listened to & cared for, plus the passion/hot sex.

So "downgrade" in appearance/status maybe - but clearly that's not all that's important.

Desperation calling.

No, I think it's pretty desperate and/or superficial to argue that a human being is of less value ("downgrade") because they're a different class or status.

Cross purposes.

I agree about the less value because they are a different class or status.

But to say that an AP has considerably better capacity for understanding, making others feeling appreciated, listening and caring for is absurd.

Of course you're going to maximise those features to get your man, or to be specific someone else's man.
I'm sure women in affairs really do believe they are special

The hot sex and passion, well that's also selling your wares, often for free.

But to say that an AP has considerably better capacity for understanding, making others feeling appreciated, listening and caring for is absurd.
I don't think that's what I was saying. Just that the qualities the cheats are valuing their APs for aren't the same measures OP was using to judge APs with.

I think @DontStarveAGirlOfAPalaver has given the best answers on here. It’s very hard to resist the temptation to feel more alive, especially if your own marriage or partnership is unhappy.

My partner died when our child was still a baby. I loved him with all my heart, but sometimes I wonder if we’d have managed to go the distance. Life has so many challenges. He was older than me, and had been married before, long before I came on the scene, and he said that if our relationship ever became not enough for me (it always was, I loved him entirely) he wouldn’t stand in my way.

It’s very hard and complicated if there are kids involved, but maybe it’s true if you love someone you set them free. You only have one life, you can’t spend it in an emotional coffin.

@Theanswersalemon you sound a little as if you have sucked on a lemon, and that’s definitely not the answer.

Of course people trade up when they have an affair!
They’re with someone who completely understands and respects their actions as a lying cheating bastard. It takes one to know one