Affairs

[Theanswersalemon]

People who begin new relationships by cheating on their spouse/paerner end up "trading down" from their spouse. Often way down. Do you agree, or not?

This is so true. It's flipping hard being mum, being wife and being career lead. Not that it excuses affairs, but to have someone see you as just 'you' bs tha above could be very attractive.

That said, this is why it is super important to invest in your own relationship. Make sure that you and OH appreciate each other as more than just 'mother/father of child'. Unfortunately when you work and you have kids, relationships often take 3rd place in pecking order as you are short of time

"But what if he still wanted those same attributes and found someone with stronger attributes than yours, more money, better carreer, higher class than you."
Chances are they wouldn't want him!
When people cheat, the affair partner isn't special, they are just available.

You're still talking about people as marketable commodities, OP. What about (for want of a better word) their soul? That part of them that aches to learn and grow and live life to the full?

For example, what if they took on too much responsibility too young and long for the teenage fun they never had?
Or, conversely, what if they have always been rather spoilt and indulged, and some vague part of them needs to learn to look after someone helpless, just to prove they are an adult?

These are just examples of the unconscious desires that can make someone attractive to us at various stages in life.

You sound very raw and angry and bitter, which is obviously understandable, but I hope you will at least take a look at this book sample as I think the book, and doing the exercises at the end, might help you come to terms with your painful situation. X

When people cheat, the affair partner isn't special, they are just available.

I think they'd ideally want someone they find attractive, too, and that's if the affair's just for sex.

Your OP is about people leaving their spouse for someone. Most people wouldn't do that for just anyone.

But they might cheat again on their next 'victim.'

@Alcemeg "You're still talking about people as marketable commodities, OP. "

To a narcissist, people are just marketable commodities. They only keep you on board as along as you are of use to them. Once you become too much trouble ie you stop wanting to be their personal cheerleader, and actually want something for yourself from the relationship, you get discarded.

Naturally they'll always have another 'victim' lined up as a replacement.

Obviously you've never had the misfortune to have been involved with one.

So I would recommend this book to you;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gaslighting-Narcissistic-Abuse-Recovery-Manipulators/dp/B091F1BDNK/ref=asc_df_B091F1BDNK/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=499289607994&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8595966281111165539&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006727&hvtargid=pla-1294715731374&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

"That part of them that aches to learn and grow and live life to the full?"

So how does their lying, cheating and crapping on someone from a great height help in their spiritual development?

Your post makes no sense to me.

@porridgeisbae "Your OP is about people leaving their spouse for someone. "

No it isn't. Please read it again.

People who begin new relationships by cheating on their spouse/paerner end up "trading down" from their spouse

I said nothing about leaving.

"Most people wouldn't do that for just anyone." I think that's a given.

However, that doesn't mean that others have no agency in the matter.
There are plenty of people that I know that have more self-respect than
to be another person's 'bit on the side'.

Exactly.

So whatever reasons you may have for feeling like a good catch, are worthless when you are entangled with a cheater with low morals.

**

To a narcissist, people are just marketable
commodities. They only keep you on board as along as you are of use to
them. Once you become too much trouble ie you stop wanting to be their
personal cheerleader, and actually want something for yourself from the
relationship, you get discarded.

I very much agree with your analgy.

People who begin new relationships by cheating on their spouse/paerner end up "trading down" from their spouse. Often way down. Do you agree, or not?

I think your original question was misleading!

You should have asked "Are we well rid of psychopaths?" and the answer is clearly "Yes" 🙃

This is a horrible way to phrase the question- making women sound like they have categories of quality and can be traded.... and basically taking the opportunity to insult other women, by suggesting you are some kind of superior breed, instead of putting the responsibility on your cheating (man) spouse.

It would have been better to phrase it as "Do cheating men often go for more vulnerable, younger, less experienced, or economically disempowered women, because it excites their feelings of power and potency?"

The answer to this, I believe, is yes.

@trivialstuff Please read it again.

I said "people who begin new relationships..."

I did not specify a gender - that is entirely your construct.

Thank you for your erudite response.

I always think that how people make assumptions, gives an accurate picture of who they actually are.

Couldn’t agree more.

My sis had a short affair with a married man. Obviously looks aren’t everything, but when I saw photos of his wife I was shocked. Trying not to be cruel, but they are polar opposite. I’m sure to many he “upgraded”

This 'cheating down' is just absolute nonsense people say to make the betrayed party feel better.
It's based on the notion that people can somehow be rated on a scale due to certain attributes, when actually attraction is much more complex. A person may cheat with someone less 'successful' than their spouse, but maybe the new person is more caring? Funnier? More in common?
Same for someone less physically attractive. Maybe they crave novelty.

Your post about your friends & their cheating partners reeked of classism and snobbery. Another woman isn't automatically a step down because she happens to be working class instead of middle class. I say that as someone who is university educated with a corporate job - I would never consider myself a 'step up' from another woman purely based on how much money we earn. Attraction and affairs are about the AP makes the person feel - a feeling that their primary partner and relationship isn't delivering. It seldom has anything to do with a job or money or how 'pretty' the person is

@retinolalcohol "Your post about your friends & their cheating partners reeked of classism and snobbery"

It is factual.

Do you have a problem with the truth?

Perhaps men sometimes leave for the simple reason that their wife is insufferable🙊

@retinolalcohol "Attraction and affairs are about the AP makes the person feel - a feeling that their primary partner and relationship isn't delivering. "

This is an unrealistic attitude on the part of the cheater - that their partner should be their sole source of happiness or that the partner is totally responsible for their happiness.
If they are not happy within themselves they may put the blame on their partner.

What they are actually doing is looking for external solutions to their own internal issues, which are nothing to do with the primary partner.

@Theanswersalemon no problem with the truth. However the implication that your friends are somehow better than these women based on their jobs is really quite nasty.

I come from a working class background and some of the loveliest, most down to earth, funniest, most generous, most hard working, overall most attractive women I know volunteer in charity shops 'sorting the clothes', or behind bars, or in a care setting. Some of them ended up there because they never had chance to study due to their personal circumstances - people are dealt very poor hands in life sometimes. Others are there by choice, and that's fine. They're not worth any less.

Your friends aren't any better than someone else purely because they make more money. Whether or not they're 'better' because the APs lack morals (as they're willing to cheat) is another story. However your implication is classist and actually is really irrelevant to the question you're asking - affairs are much more complex than who is prettier or more successful. I know plenty men who have 'traded up' to use your terms

Whether or not the issues with the primary partner are really there or entirely fictional is irrelevant, though, because it's about the perception of the person having the affair and their reasoning. At the time they likely do believe the AP has something their parter does not. They likely do feel things with the AP that they don't with their partner. I agree that often the problem does lie within the unfaithful husband/wife, but their perception whilst having an affair is maybe not in line with reality. It's not about any one characteristic, but seeking something they perceive as 'missing'. Monotony of every day life and lack of novelty can breed contempt, so it doesn't take much for a shiny new person to seem absolutely amazing in comparison.

I'd bet some people also just can't stand their partner anymore and take the cowards way out. Plenty of people I know have married the wrong person 🤷🏼‍♀️

@retinolalcohol "However the implication that your friends are somehow better than these women based on their jobs is really quite nasty."

The implications are in your mind, I gave you the facts, I am not responsible for how you interpret them.

I am sorry you have an issue with this.

@retinolalcohol "I come from a working class background "

Perhaps this is why you seem to be taking it all so personally?

I had an affair.

I was with my exhusband for twenty years. It was not a happy marriage (dv) I had tried to leave many times, but he wouldn’t let me.

i then met the man I had the affair with. 4yrs on and we’re getting married next year. He’s the kindest, most supportive man and would never ever hurt me. He’s my absolute best friend.

i do have regrets about the affair, however I know I would of never have left my ex otherwise

And unfortunately, I suspect your sis was an insignificant one of many.