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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
Blinkingbonkers · 22/08/2023 11:30

I think you really shouldn’t be wanting to marry this bloke. You’re young - throw him back in the sea and try again!!!!

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 22/08/2023 11:30

WTF! I've. Only read your OP but where the hell did you learn this was acceptable in an equal partnership? Get away from him now.

Viviennemary · 22/08/2023 11:30

No ifs or buts. Get rid.

Fraaahnces · 22/08/2023 11:31

I think you should behave like a single person and get him the fuck out of your home.

JibbaJab · 22/08/2023 11:31

Don't go any deeper, he's setting the foundations, you are being conditioned. It will never end and it gets worse.

Conkersinautumn · 22/08/2023 11:31

Be sure to tell him that it's not you, it's definitely him that doesn't come up to scratch. You need someone who can look after themselves and isn't emotionally draining.

Spanielsarepainless · 22/08/2023 11:31

And you want to marry him? After these repeated comments? Chuck him out, change the locks and block him.

Itick8outof10boxes · 22/08/2023 11:32

Fuck right off mister, you are not lou's df and even if you were you're still a twat.

Ridemeginger · 22/08/2023 11:32

"You need to behave" makes him sound like Austin Powers. That in itself would give me the serious ick!

Allyyson · 22/08/2023 11:32

@LouLo2121 listen to me and listen to others - not only DON't marry this guy - don't even be his girlfriend. At a young age he is telling you that you need to behave - now look down the road 10 years from now you're living with this guy married to him with kids and he is controlling you and your kids telling you how to behave at all times........ controlling behaviour NEVER EVER gets better - it only ever gets worse. Leave Leave Leave

Foreverhope1 · 22/08/2023 11:32

OP,

I think we need more context on the "mean" things you say and what they're generally about? The whole proposal issue is giving red flags...

ImABox · 22/08/2023 11:32

Ask him to leave.
You bring everything to the relationship, labour/financial/emotional.
You are young and will find someone who loves you. He sees you as a meal ticket and is slowly beating you down with emotional abuse to be a subservant housewife. It will only get worse. He will try and get you pregnant to get you to stay/ then when stick he will start cheating on you whilst leaving you doing 100% in the house

Summerslimtime · 22/08/2023 11:33

Well I wouldn't be marrying anyone or else I'd be halving my asset.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/08/2023 11:33

There are more red flags in your posts than in a military parade in Russia, @LouLo2121. Please dump this controlling, nasty bastard's arse pronto!

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:33

He would have a kid tomorrow if I agreed to it, I totally understand the comments

OP posts:
Tina221 · 22/08/2023 11:34

Hi op, saying that you’re not sure about the relationship is not saying mean things. He sounds awful. Tell him to leave your house.

Wimpod · 22/08/2023 11:34

Oh hell no. Run away. Fast.

BlackSwan · 22/08/2023 11:34

Do not fall pregnant. End it.

Lentilweaver · 22/08/2023 11:35

Oh sorry, I just saw your update. Yeah, he is a controlling jerk. Run.

HowcanIhelp123 · 22/08/2023 11:35

I'd tell him he should have learnt to behave, because if he had you'd never of realised how much of a cocklodger he was and kick him out. He brings nothing to your life! Without him all that will change is you'll have one less person making mess and no one putting you down.

Conkersinautumn · 22/08/2023 11:35

Besides the only upside to marrying is for him not for you it would put your house at risk and you're doing all the work. Of course he wants a free house with maid service.

perfectcolourfound · 22/08/2023 11:36

OP please look at this dispassionately:

You talk about showing him respect. Does he show you the same respect? Because a healthy relationship is one of equals.

You talk about cooking and cleaning. Does he do cooking and cleaning (or other equivalent looking after the home)? Because a healthy, fair reltaionship is one where both partners pull their qeight equally.

He talks about you 'behaving' - does he 'behave'?? ie never show you disrespect or say unkind things, always pulls his weight and supports you and shows he cares?

He lives in your house. He will gain enournously if you marry - he can claim half if it if / when you separate. How would you feel if that happens?

This man seems to have the life of Riley - living in a house he hasn't paid for, having someone cook and clean. You make his life so much easier, and yet he thinks YOU should show HIM more respect, and 'behave'?

I would talk about a dog behaving, or a small child, but never a grown adult. He doesn't see you as his equal. He sees you as being below him. Someone who should do as they're told (ie behave). Someone who should work harder than him and treat him like a king. Someone who should be grateful he designs to live in her home.

He is bad news. He won't make you happy. He will suck you of self respect, energy and happiness.

You would be so much better off without him. And when you find another man - remember relationships are made up of two equal adults. They show equal respect, support, they pull their weight equally, have each others' backs, neither is more important than the other.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 22/08/2023 11:36

Just please get rid.

Read what everyone has said and then read it again.

This man is controlling.

You owe him nothing. Give him a week to find alternative accommodation if you feel generous and it’s safe to have him around..

BMW6 · 22/08/2023 11:36

Oh FFS why are some women so BLOODY STUPID

OP why can't you see that he's a terrible terrible person?

Why is something so blindingly obvious to 99.9% of us so mysterious to you?

Do you have "Doormat" tattood on your forehead? Are you so desperate for a man that you'll accept any dreadful behaviour from any piss poor male specimen?

I am sick to death of these endless whineging threads from women who don't have an ounce of common sense or self respect.

He's a waste of space.

Stay with him then. Have a nice life. Don't come crying on here though.

BubziOwl · 22/08/2023 11:37

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

He's taking you for an absolute mug, I'm sorry. Leave him, honestly. He doesn't sound like a catch.

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