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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
smooththecat · 22/08/2023 11:37

You got yourself a Cro-Magnon man there. Don’t let your life be reduced to this.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 22/08/2023 11:37

3rdtimemumma · 22/08/2023 11:26

I find the initial responses here so odd. Who cares if someone cooks, cleans, pays 50/50 on 'most' things? If this was a woman saying their man did those tasks, but said 'mean things', they'd all be saying never to marry them. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you respect your partner at all. I can't imagine it would work long-term. He's trying to kindly put in words that it's not acceptable to be rude to someone you supposedly love. He's also giving you a second/ third/ fourth chance to change your behaviour. Don't malign him because he's trying to out into words that your behaviour isn't acceptable.

If he doesn’t like her “behaviour” why doesn’t he leave? Oh yeah, because he’s got a free house and a skivvy.

FindingSerenity · 22/08/2023 11:37

This has been said to me and it is a small part in what became a coercive controlling situation.

If behaving means not discussing anything he doesn't want to discuss and not showing or feeling any emotion then leave.

It won't get better. He either wants to be with you, all of you, or he doesn't.

Worriedmum107 · 22/08/2023 11:38

Tell him he needs to not be a dick for you to say yes.

EggOverEasy · 22/08/2023 11:39
Do Not Touch Sex Ed GIF by HannahWitton

Run. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:40

I agree, he wants me or he doesn’t. im not a weak person by any means and always voice my opinions. We’ll be having a conversation tonight

OP posts:
Feverly · 22/08/2023 11:40

Same, @BMW6
Makes no sense how so many women welcome utter trash into their lives-what’s the appeal?

Are you going to dump him OP? Or continue as you are and lose your house to him?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/08/2023 11:40

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:33

He would have a kid tomorrow if I agreed to it, I totally understand the comments

Make sure your contraception is as rock solid as you can make it. Once you're pregnant he'll ramp it up.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 22/08/2023 11:40

Put him out, today.

GingerIsBest · 22/08/2023 11:40

Oh OP, I don't know how you landed up with a fully paid house at the age of 27 but it does make me wonder if you have suffered some trauma in your life already - perhaps the loss of a parent young or similar? Because the fact that you are so young and yet so completely oblivious to the way this man is treating you is actually heartbreaking.

  1. He is saving a fortune because he pays bills 50/50 but no rent or similar. You are totally giving this to him and he should be grateful.
  2. You are doing all the cooking and cleaning!?
  3. You are not allowed to have opinions or emotions?

Please, kick him out immediately. Then think about why you think this is a normal and acceptable way for a man to behave in a supposedly loving relationship. seek therapy if necessary.

Jk987 · 22/08/2023 11:40

Let him propose and then say NO. He's not good enough to have you.

Enjoy the single life with your friends. Never do all the cooking and cleaning for a man - not necessary!

Anniegetyourgun · 22/08/2023 11:41

3rdtimemumma · 22/08/2023 11:26

I find the initial responses here so odd. Who cares if someone cooks, cleans, pays 50/50 on 'most' things? If this was a woman saying their man did those tasks, but said 'mean things', they'd all be saying never to marry them. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you respect your partner at all. I can't imagine it would work long-term. He's trying to kindly put in words that it's not acceptable to be rude to someone you supposedly love. He's also giving you a second/ third/ fourth chance to change your behaviour. Don't malign him because he's trying to out into words that your behaviour isn't acceptable.

Fair point, but it does not appear the BF in this case is having an adult conversation about acceptable behaviour in a partnership; he is telling her to "behave" as though to a child, with marriage waved as the treat if she learns. It also appears that the mean things in question are not actually insulting or name-calling but expressing doubts as to whether their relationship is working. Frankly I doubt that it is, despite OP's apparent efforts to bend over backwards to make it work. (I say apparent, obviously we only have the OP's perspective to go on, but that's the nature of these threads. I see no particular reason to disbelieve her.)

I'm really hoping those who are saying he'll never agree to marry are correct. That way OP wouldn't have to hand over half her house or stay with an unsuitable partner for ever to avoid losing it, in a time when buying one's own property is almost impossible for most people.

Insommmmnia · 22/08/2023 11:43

What does he have to do to get you to agree to marry him?

Or is marriage a prize that is only awarded to women once they have behaved well enough for a man? 🤮

Why would you even want to marry him. He's not a prize he's a prison sentence

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2023 11:44

What mean things do you say in the heat of the moment?

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:45

Thank you, no parent lose.
just a mother who is very good at paying off mortgages and I’m her only child.

I’ve got a spare room and maybe time for a paying lodger! Less grief

OP posts:
Tina221 · 22/08/2023 11:45

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:40

I agree, he wants me or he doesn’t. im not a weak person by any means and always voice my opinions. We’ll be having a conversation tonight

Hi op, I can’t understand why you would want him. Think about the future you’d have if you have children with this man. He’s controlling. Get him out of your home and life.

JennySpinning · 22/08/2023 11:45

If you want to marry someone then you have to love them for who they are not some imagined version of who you think they should be, not with some amended behaviour. You have to be you. If they cannot accept you as you then they should walk.

He won't walk because he has a very cushy little living arrangement doesn't he? It would require effort of him finding an alternative place to live etc. If it doesn't feel right then get rid.

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 11:45

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:40

I agree, he wants me or he doesn’t. im not a weak person by any means and always voice my opinions. We’ll be having a conversation tonight

But you needed anonymous posters to tell you to voice your opinion on this tonight?

op you have no intention of leaving him whatsoever do you?

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 11:45

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

I don't think anyone can answer you until you clarify what you mean by saying "mean things".

Ohyesreally · 22/08/2023 11:45

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 22/08/2023 11:37

If he doesn’t like her “behaviour” why doesn’t he leave? Oh yeah, because he’s got a free house and a skivvy.

Show quote history

THIS. He thinks himself set for life with no deposit needing to be saved, no mortgage! Wahey!

Need to behave? You aren't a child.

User1789 · 22/08/2023 11:46

Nah. LTB and get then some therapy to figure out how to argue more constructively, and recognise if a relationship is a toxic one.

Taketurn · 22/08/2023 11:46

I mean you're already playing wife so what are you expecting to change exactly? The title?

monsteramunch · 22/08/2023 11:46

Do you want children eventually?

Because you'd be foolish to stay with this man if not, but you'd be irresponsible to stay with him if so.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/08/2023 11:46

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2023 11:44

What mean things do you say in the heat of the moment?

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything

Not being a good little girl and skivvy and not doing what she's told, by the sounds of it.

Ohyesreally · 22/08/2023 11:46

And why are you paying 50/50 on the bills if he has no rent???