Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

[LouLo2121]

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

I'm old and know things and you need to get him OUT of your house. Never look back. Keep that house yours, no matter what.

You should run as fast as possible away from this man. Start now.

Bin him off.

He's not going to propose. He's gaslighting you, he'll find more and more excuses about your 'behaviour' to avoid proposing. As PPs said, this is coercive control, manipulation, bullying, intimidation.

This is not how a decent man behaves. Get yourself out of that relationship, it's not going to end with a shiny diamond diamond ring and a happy ever after.

A decent man will respect you, do his share of the cooking and cleaning and will want to propose without all sorts of conditions. Get some self respect, raise your bar a lot higher and kick his ass to the kerb. He will waste years of your life otherwise.

I am going to go against general opinion and ask "What mean things do you say?" Do you swear at him?
Even so, proposal cant' be contingent on that. If someone swore at me or yelled often, I would just break up.

Do you honestly need to be told this is wrong? Seriously?

I bet you won't leave him and when he leaves you having managed to lay claim to half your house through marriage you'll be back here asking for advice.

Get him out and start working on your standards. Put YOU first. It will feel strange but so so worth it!

So are you mean to him or not?

If you are, then leave.

If you’re not, then leave.

It’s very obvious he has no intention of proposing to you because he doesn’t want to.
He just wants you to do whatever he wants and not have your own personality, until he can find someone he does want to get married to.

Kick him out - you have emotions and you're allowed to feel them.

Ok, maybe you shouldn't say things in the heat of the moment but everyone has their flaws and it's not worth being with someone who expects you to just change those flaws rather than working with you to change them.

I find the initial responses here so odd. Who cares if someone cooks, cleans, pays 50/50 on 'most' things? If this was a woman saying their man did those tasks, but said 'mean things', they'd all be saying never to marry them. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you respect your partner at all. I can't imagine it would work long-term. He's trying to kindly put in words that it's not acceptable to be rude to someone you supposedly love. He's also giving you a second/ third/ fourth chance to change your behaviour. Don't malign him because he's trying to out into words that your behaviour isn't acceptable.

Tell him you don’t want him to propose

does he do that for you?

Oh jeez. No. Get rid.

I’ve just kind of questioned if I wanted to be with him previously, and just said to him I don’t think this is working out.
If you don't think it's working out, why is a proposal from him at all relevant?
You didn't want to marry him before he started making a proposal conditional. Has he used that trick to make you want to prove you are worthy, rather than wondering if he is worthy?

Agreed. You would be mad to marry him, OP. Absolutely certifiable.

OK - so you have quite a few people saying ‘leave him!’

What you going to do????

Behaving for him means subsuming your Will, your sense of Agency and Individuality and any hopes og creativity and achievement into the service of Him Self.

Nope

You do not want this man in your house or in your life. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

When you start saying "no" he may start changing tack to get you back under his thumb but it will just be another strategy. You need him gone.

Before you get into a new relationship, have a time of being deliberately single and do some work to consider what attracted you to him in the first place and what earlier red flags you missed. I have a dear friend who in her 20s had a string og disastrous relationships with controlling narcissistic boyfriends before she got some counselling and worked out that her rather screwed up relationship with her controlling narcissistic father was at the route of her inadvisable decisions. She is now in a relationship with an actual decent bloke but it took some work to unlearn the lessons that make the awful ones (mistakenly) seem attractive.

Don't ask him to leave. Pack his bags and tell him to sling his hook.

Look, OP, I had one of these, he ruined my 20s/early 30s. I was gorgeous, had a really high paying/high flying career, pots of money and my own lovely house. He was more or less the opposite. He emotionally manipulated me into allowing him to move in, and he wore me down over a period of 8 years, convincing me that I was defective, and only he would put up with someone as awful as me. I didn't have the best childhood, and he was able to work on my insecurities to get his way, and defy the objective reality of our relative situations. One day he went too far, and it was like a switch flicking in my head, and a massive lightbulb switching on, shining a light on the reality of it all. As soon as both he and I realised his subtle cruelty and undermining weren't hitting home any more, it was all over for him. I think you are probably having your lightbulb moment. Don't waste it.

the “you need to behave” has enraged me on your part! How fucking dare he!!!
why is he with you if you can’t “behave”.
are you a toddler who needs to be taught how to behave.
honestly, don’t marry this man. You’re so much better off, ideally, without him. But don’t marry him and give him a chance to claim on your house.

He's also giving you a second/ third/ fourth chance to change your behaviour. Don't malign him because he's trying to out into words that your behaviour isn't acceptable

Good grief.

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

He doesn't respect you. He sees you more like a disobedient puppy that needs to be trained.

Leave him, and enrol on the freedom programme so you can learn to spot the signs of abuse.

He's doing an Andrew Tate on you.

Get him gone. Out of your house and life before finances, life, marriage, kids become reasons to make that difficult.