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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 22/08/2023 11:02

What "mean things" are you saying though? If it were a man saying "mean things" to a woman, no one would like that much.

Spottydressinggowngirl · 22/08/2023 11:02

Behave sensibly and throw him out!

Andthereyougo · 22/08/2023 11:02

I think the 19th century wants him back.
Seriously, this is not a good relationship, he’s not a. Nice person. Get rid.

huuskymam · 22/08/2023 11:03

When he says you need to start behaving, he means make it easier for him to be more controlling. Leave while you still can

villamariavintrapp · 22/08/2023 11:04

Suppose that he did propose, wouldn't you want him to behave better before you'd accept? He'd need to cook, clean, contribute fairly, etc? He doesn't sound worth marrying.

CwmYoy · 22/08/2023 11:04

Get rid and find a decent bloke not a cocklodger.

SiblingFights · 22/08/2023 11:04

Fuck that. LTB

Tinkerbyebye · 22/08/2023 11:04

Red flags all over. Dump. Now

BCBird · 22/08/2023 11:05

I was going to say if u are saying hurtful things then I understand him.not wantu got tolerate this. U do however say this is not the case. If behaving means you have to bow down to his altar and not question him then I agree- get rid. U deserve better. He needs to leave the all inclusive hotel

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 22/08/2023 11:05

He's training you to accept his abuse. One day in the future he will hit you for daring to question him. This is exactly how that process starts. Read up about coercive abuse and control.

Since it's your house kick him out. If he gets angry call the police to remove him.

Coffeaddict · 22/08/2023 11:06

Get that fucker out of your house

FourTeaFallOut · 22/08/2023 11:07

This is a red flag parade. Run.

Olika · 22/08/2023 11:07

Leave him

Valerie23 · 22/08/2023 11:08

You are who you are.

If he can't accept you for who you are then he doesn't really love you or respect you.

Trying to change you to fit his needs is never going to work. If you subdue your personality and repress your feelings he will move in to something else he doesn't like about you and make you change that.

After a time you will no longer exist and will just be an empty shell.

Please split up with him before you lose yourself.

Passerillage · 22/08/2023 11:08

Andthereyougo · 22/08/2023 11:02

I think the 19th century wants him back.
Seriously, this is not a good relationship, he’s not a. Nice person. Get rid.

If it was the 19th century he'd at least be doing a bit of providing. This freeloader is living in her house and she's cooking, cleaning, paying her way and wondering if it's HER fault that he won't marry her! Frankly I'm amazed he's risking rocking the boat at all. He has fully landed on his feet here.

OP - he's a golddigger and he is never going to marry you, because why on earth SHOULD he? He has everything he wants already. Please get rid of him and for the love of all that is holy, don't get pregnant.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:08

Yes, I’m 27 and was lucky enough to have it gifted to me. No mortgage, just bills to pay

OP posts:
Crabwoman · 22/08/2023 11:08

So you do all the washing, cooking, and cleaning for him, and he leaves you hanging by dangling this carrot in front of your nose?

He's treating you like a child, calling out your "behaviour" when you question or challenge him. With him marrying you as some sort of reward for putting up with his shit?

Nah, fuck that.

Get out now.

HelpaFriend85 · 22/08/2023 11:09

Do you need our permission to kick the idiot out? Well here you go OP you have permission to respect yourself, your boundaries and kick that abusive cock to the kerb!

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 11:09

What kind of a relationship did your parents have op for you to possibly think that this is a healthy relationship.

End this (you won’t though) and then get some therapy before you even consider entering another relationship let alone having children

Feverly · 22/08/2023 11:09

Boot him out of your property immediately. Don't give him a seconds thought. Do extensive work on your self esteem and standards before dating again.

LemonDrizzleDessert · 22/08/2023 11:09

Bin him Sis

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 11:10

Do you have any friends op? If so, tell them what he said and see their reaction

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 22/08/2023 11:10

Get that fucker out of your home today. He is using you. And if you don't behave how does he intend to make you?

doroda · 22/08/2023 11:10

Omg OP chuck him out.

CoteDOpale · 22/08/2023 11:11

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:59

I’ve just kind of questioned if I wanted to be with him previously, and just said to him I don’t think this is working out. I’ve not said anything personally hurtful to him

That’s not ‘saying mean things’, that’s raising relationship concerns which are valid.

Please get him out ASAP.

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