Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

[LouLo2121]

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

“You said upthread that you know the difference between good and bad relationships.

You're doing all the cooking and cleaning and 'making his life as easy as possible' (your words) for a man who does this pathetic amount to contribute to the house. You previously phrased it as him 'helping out' rather than seeing housework as a joint chore you're equally responsible for.

You're also allowing him to be the one in control of the future of the relationship to the extent he feels entitled to tell you to 'behave', like you're a child or a pet.

Gently OP, you either don't know the difference between a good and bad relationship or you do, but you feel you are only worthy of a bad one.”

This with bells on.

Little wonder.

He "helps out" occasionally with all the domestic work, in spite of you both working full-time.

It's somehow automatically your/women's work.

Kids would be exactly the same. He's do the minimum, and you would be the default for everything, whether you went back to work full-time or not.

So why wouldn't he want kids?

I bet he sees you as the default carer of them, just like he sees you as the default domestic worker.

He's also gets to live and have a family rent & mortgage free. That's a privilege not many fathers have.

Also keep in mind men know that if they leave/they'd relationship breaths down, the woman is 9/10 the default resident parent and main carer. That means they can walk away and Disney Dad a bit of they feel like it. It's a awful lot less of a commitment and investment than many women think it is, in the minds of men.

If they stay, they think the woman will be the main parent. If they go, they know the woman will be the main/resident parent.

A man who behaves like he does; leaving the vast majority of domestic work to you .... And also being very high handed and manipulative and arrogant about marriage ..... Is not acting fairly/equally/respectfully now, so I really don't think he'd be fair minded and non sexist and unselfish when it comes to kids.

Back on the main topic.

This man, and it seems you (to some extent) seem to be under the delusion that he - and marriage to him - is some kind of prize.

You are a young woman who owns a property outright, has a full-time job, (way) more than pulls her weight with work in the house, is intelligent/articulate )from your posts on here) and you're probably lovely too. Anyone who cohabits with you you gets to live rent & mortgage free - usually the single biggest financial burden/outgoing, Anyone who married you gets this, plus a good shot and 50% of your property's value if you divorce. Anyone who has kids with you outside of inside marriage can imagine, realistically, that they will inherit that paid off property own day. Or that it's value will be converted into financial advantage to them in some way.

You are a prize.

You also have plenty of time to have kids. You're not 39, looking down the barrel of the fertility gun. (Own egg fertility anyway).

Marriage with him is not a prize because he's selfish, lazy, takes advantage and doesn't pull his weight at home, putting unnecessary burden on yo, on top of your full-time job. Marriage with him is not a prize because he sees it as some reward or carrier for women that he can train them using. The word behave is disturbing.

If hod behaviour doesn't change drastically (very unlikely) marriage with him would be the sane unfair situation you have now, bit when you have kids; probably much worse.

And it would put 50% of your family property/money right into his paws. As I've said earlier in the thread, I've seen this in practice. One woman having to raise a hefty pay out to her abusive ex, to keep her home. Another losing her home altogether and now in social housing.

He's no prize. Marriage to him is no prize.

Wow. He's got a penis and still managed to do all that? Hand that man a medal.

(Carrot, not carrier)

Tell him you want to be a historical figure. Only you decide what you do. If he doesnt like your behavior he can move out.

Best ever feminist slogan: "Well behaved women seldom make history"

This is a good idea. Perhaps you could even have stickers, with a reward each time you collect five.

I understand what you mean, but that's the reality of where the OP is heading. Point taking, 'winning' at arguments, affection withheld if the score isn't good enough. Like training a small child with a sticker chart. It's not so different.

OP, did you have that conversation last night, and how did it go?

Hang on, you mean you were serious about the wall chart??

You can have a relationship without living together you know.

Wait, what? @Mozzie1 wasn’t being sarcastic about the spreadsheet?! 😂😂😂

Honestly can’t understand why you would want to marry him. Change the bedsheets yourself, it’s not difficult.

I told him to stay at a friends house last night

Well done Lou 👍 how did he take that? How are you feeling about things today?

Excellent that's a really good start

👏

In all honesty we haven’t spoken since yesterday morning. Apart from me telling him to stay at a friends house

Ok - so what is he to do tonight? Have you had a conversation about him collecting his stuff from your house (even if you were to stay together, you might want him to move out of your home for a while)?

Mozzie has appeared on several threads today posting similar shit - think they are just having a laugh, probably bored.

So after everything everyone has said OP, your goal is still to stay with this man and you still see him as a suitable partner you want to spend your life with?

Pretty much