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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
LodiDodi · 22/08/2023 17:22

He might as well be a porn-addled alco stoner, I'd be as likely to stay with him

PrinnyPree · 22/08/2023 17:22

I think PP was just suggesting to get a reaction, but I assure you its easier to get out of a 12 month lease than get an actual divorce...

I mean do you even need to continue this thread, you're not even confident you'll be with him in 12 months surely that tells you everything. Just leave him. :/

Merapi · 22/08/2023 17:23

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:06

He works long shifts, but he does have time to help out or cook when he’s not working. He’s only 2 years older, so not much of an age gap.

What do you mean 'help out'?

Help out? What, so all the household stuff for two people is solely the woman's responsibility is it, and all he has to do is help out when he has the time or can be bothered?

You are two adults living in the same home. He is equally responsible for all of the domestic chores. But he doesn't see it that way, does he, no - he wants you to 'behave' and do all of it yourself.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

GCWorkNightmare · 22/08/2023 17:25

There are no household chores that require the active use of a penis or vagina. All chores should be shared.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:26

So he changes the bed sheets, cleans the bathrooms occasionally and sometimes does a load of washing

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 22/08/2023 17:28

Mumsnet, can you not simply block these two ? I've missed their posts, thankfully

Burgerandfriies · 22/08/2023 17:30

Hey @LouLo2121 I wish that what I (and everyone else) said will resonate.

I’ve been there. He knows you are above his grade (own house, cooking, cleaning, working) and that he brings far less to the table. His only way to feel like a man is by trying to control your behaviour so he can control u further. Please believe everyone that’s told you it will only get worse. It’s coercive control and the worst case scenario is horrible.

You sound like deserve much better. Please create a plan and leave him and speak to anyone that can offer u support. Either friends/family or a charity like women’s aid.

NotTheSlugandLettuce · 22/08/2023 17:45

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:08

Yes, I’m 27 and was lucky enough to have it gifted to me. No mortgage, just bills to pay

Gifted to you?
Are you an influencer?

That aside I am with the others on the first page
Red flags
Ltb

LemonDrizzleDessert · 22/08/2023 17:47

House being..gifted? 🦍

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:47

No not an influencer, but mum gifted it to me

OP posts:
HiHoHiHoltsOffToWorkWeGo · 22/08/2023 17:51

NotTheSlugandLettuce · 22/08/2023 17:45

Gifted to you?
Are you an influencer?

That aside I am with the others on the first page
Red flags
Ltb

Show quote history

It probably happens more than people realise. I'm in the same house situation as OP after my grandparents died and parents allowed the inheritance to skip a generation, reasoning that they didn't really need it but I was struggling to get on the housing ladder.

Close friends and family know, but it's not something I announce to the wider world.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:53

Neither to do usually, but as anonymous on here it gives better context to the situation

OP posts:
DeanElderberry · 22/08/2023 17:54

I don't know anything about your mother's circumstances, but she may have wanted to give you the independence of not being dependent on a man. Don't risk losing that by keeping this idle disrespectful bloke under your roof. As others have said, if you do want to go on living with him (can't see why you would, but hey), rent somewhere between the two of you and let your own house out.

JibbaJab · 22/08/2023 17:57

What happens is over time you are constantly second guessing yourself and your own behavior until eventually you can't say anything out of line or an opinion of your own. You end up hyper vigilant 24/7.

Does he communicate at all or is every important conversation shut down in some way? That's also an indication. They never resolve issues.

I mean I was the husband and it got worse every year until the point I was the only one working. I raised our children from new borns, did all the cooking, cleaning, washing, finances, childcare (SAHD) while trying to work self employed. They did the bear minimum, while simultaneously wearing me down with emotional, psychological and physical. Until it eventually made me sick for years and it ramped up. Then one day once I had served my purpose and was all used up they took everything.

Now, seems they can actually do things for themselves while simultaneously blocking me from our home and children. Some people are deceptive users, parasites almost and that all came from someone who appeared nice and kind, I never ever thought was capable of it.

From my point of view if I was going to propose I wouldn't be asking you to change who you are.

monsteramunch · 22/08/2023 17:59

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:26

So he changes the bed sheets, cleans the bathrooms occasionally and sometimes does a load of washing

You said upthread that you know the difference between good and bad relationships.

You're doing all the cooking and cleaning and 'making his life as easy as possible' (your words) for a man who does this pathetic amount to contribute to the house. You previously phrased it as him 'helping out' rather than seeing housework as a joint chore you're equally responsible for.

You're also allowing him to be the one in control of the future of the relationship to the extent he feels entitled to tell you to 'behave', like you're a child or a pet.

Gently OP, you either don't know the difference between a good and bad relationship or you do, but you feel you are only worthy of a bad one.

SamW98 · 22/08/2023 18:00

My friend lost her parents very young and inherited their house
She then met a guy who everyone thought was a pig but she adored him. They were together a long time and had 2 children together.

Then he left her for a woman he’d been having an affair with. Only then did she find out he’d taken out loans secured against the house which he didn’t pay off and the house got repossessed.

So she lost everything for a twatty man - just a cautionary tale OP.

Lottapianos · 22/08/2023 18:06

'Gently OP, you either don'tknow the difference between a good and bad relationship or you do, but you feel you are only worthy of a bad one.'

I agree with this OP. You need to give some serious thought to why you have tolerated him for so long. But first - get him out of your life!

Nicecupofteaforthree · 22/08/2023 18:20

Don't. Just don't. Run for the hills as fast as your legs will take you.

Beaverbridge · 22/08/2023 18:26

Set your bar higher, get rid of him.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 22/08/2023 18:40

Your claim to be astute and clued up about relationships isn't telling in the fact he is living in your home.... As a sponging abusive cocklodger... Aim Even higher op.

Newestname002 · 22/08/2023 18:58

I think you should "propose"/tell him to leave your home and your life.

You do not have to submit to this person who is living in your home, telling you to change your behaviour before he condescends to ask you to marry him (putting your head in a noose) and binding yourself to him legally, financially and perhaps - harder still - with children.

As others here have said, raise your bar. You can do better. 🌹

Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 18:59

I am so offended that someone as inadequate as your stupid boyfriend has the audacity to tell you you need to behave before he proposes.

What an absolute joke he is.

Do not marry this fucking goon, do not continue to work your tits off to ‘make his life as easy as possible’ (WHY have you been doing that?!), do not continue this relationship, do not tie yourself to him as you’ll lose our massively and he will gain. Plus, he is appalling.

1dayatatime · 22/08/2023 20:54

Normally I think MN responses to many relationship posts seem to automatically default to "leave the bastard".

However in your case I really really think you need to get away from him asap - in fact I would be dialling a taxi right now.

Burgerandfriies · 22/08/2023 20:58

I’ve never seen the reply section so unanimous with its advice. Take it as a sign OP.

Comtesse · 22/08/2023 21:05

Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 18:59

I am so offended that someone as inadequate as your stupid boyfriend has the audacity to tell you you need to behave before he proposes.

What an absolute joke he is.

Do not marry this fucking goon, do not continue to work your tits off to ‘make his life as easy as possible’ (WHY have you been doing that?!), do not continue this relationship, do not tie yourself to him as you’ll lose our massively and he will gain. Plus, he is appalling.

exactly - the audacity of his behaviour - what a chancer