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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 22/08/2023 16:39

What would you gain by marrying?

for most women you get financial protection. You are by far the better off one so you won’t get that.

why would you contemplate marrying?

Proudgypsy · 22/08/2023 16:40

I'm just wondering what his good qualities are...

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 16:44

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:33

Absolutely terrible, they got divorced when I was 14

Yes and I suspect that explains why you have such a bizarre view of what a healthy and loving relationship looks like

friends?

Blahblahgingerbreadlady · 22/08/2023 16:46

LOL it sounds like you are his baby. So weird. Why do you want to marry him? He looooves being in control.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:46

I would say that’s harsh. I know all the warning signs and wouldn’t say I have a warped view. I know what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship.

OP posts:
Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 16:51

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:46

I would say that’s harsh. I know all the warning signs and wouldn’t say I have a warped view. I know what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship.

And yet you’re still engaging with her and don’t seem to have any intention stopping 🤷‍♀️

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 16:51

Oh sorry wrong thread

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 16:51

For the fourth time - no friends op that you can tell them this and see their RL reaction?

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 16:52

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:46

I would say that’s harsh. I know all the warning signs and wouldn’t say I have a warped view. I know what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship.

This is so so far from the truth that it’s disturbing

Comtesse · 22/08/2023 16:53

He is a cheeky git.

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2023 16:53

I would tell him he needs to ask nicely with a massive diamond if he wants you to say yes 🙄

Why are you letting him have all the power?

Lottapianos · 22/08/2023 16:54

'Yes and I suspect that explains why you have such a bizarre view of what a healthy and loving relationship looks like'

That does sound harsh, but there may well be some truth to it. You have been putting up with his awful, lazy, freeloading, controlling behaviour for a while now. You're allowing him to treat you like a servant and your home like a hotel. It's worth giving some thought to why you have tolerated this from him. No judgement by the way, I've put up with some awful shit in my time

BeverlyBrook · 22/08/2023 16:56

LTB

No, kick him out, it's your house

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:57

Yes I obviously have friends that I could speak to. And one said communicating your feelings has nothing to do with your behaviour. Those are two separate things

OP posts:
Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:59

I’m trying to get away from the toxic traits I’ve witnessed as a child from my parents and have done a lot of work with myself to not be like that.
again, no idea why I’m putting up with it

OP posts:
ladeluge · 22/08/2023 16:59

OK if you want to find out what he's thinking, postpone decisions on marriage for now. Suggest that you plan to rent out your house and that the two of you should rent somewhere equally between you, half rent, council tax, food, bills etc.

See what he says in reaction to that.

frozencarlotta · 22/08/2023 17:01

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:45

I know prenups don’t count in the UK.
who’s to say it will be my property when we get married

when you get married?? still considering marriage to this muppet?

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 17:02

ladeluge · 22/08/2023 16:59

OK if you want to find out what he's thinking, postpone decisions on marriage for now. Suggest that you plan to rent out your house and that the two of you should rent somewhere equally between you, half rent, council tax, food, bills etc.

See what he says in reaction to that.

Oh, this poster hit that nail right on the head.

I'd add that you propose that all household work, cleaning, cooking and laundry is split 50-50 too. See how he reacts to that

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:03

Sounds like a good idea. But I have it to comfortable to be doing all that and getting into a lease agreement with someone - 12 months tied in, is a long time if your not sure you want to be with someone

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 17:04

frozencarlotta · 22/08/2023 17:01

when you get married?? still considering marriage to this muppet?

Show quote history

I have a horrible feeling op is subject to the common lemming like mass rush towards engagement and marriage among her peers .... And also subject to the sunken costs/stick where you are thing, rather than starting again with a new partner.

CheeseyOnionPie · 22/08/2023 17:04

You cook, clean, do all of the washing, pay half the bills and he’s living in YOUR house?

He obviously thinks he’s the prize here. I would not continue this relationship. You’re being taken for a right mug.

BeverlyBrook · 22/08/2023 17:04

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 17:02

Oh, this poster hit that nail right on the head.

I'd add that you propose that all household work, cleaning, cooking and laundry is split 50-50 too. See how he reacts to that

Show quote history

Absolutely!

DeanElderberry · 22/08/2023 17:04

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 16:46

I would say that’s harsh. I know all the warning signs and wouldn’t say I have a warped view. I know what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship.

I'm not sure that's true, a relationship where one party makes the major financial contribution (the house), does all the housework, is respectful to their freeloading lazy partner and is then told to 'behave' is a relationship where something is so wrong that you shouldn't need to ask anyone.

Locksmith and a roll of black bags, now.

BeverlyBrook · 22/08/2023 17:06

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:03

Sounds like a good idea. But I have it to comfortable to be doing all that and getting into a lease agreement with someone - 12 months tied in, is a long time if your not sure you want to be with someone

I think it was just the idea, to make him think it through.

However I would just split up with him. Seriously is he the man you really want to spend the next 1 week with, let alone the rest of your life?

No?
Then split up, he moves out. You move on.

frozencarlotta · 22/08/2023 17:19

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 17:03

Sounds like a good idea. But I have it to comfortable to be doing all that and getting into a lease agreement with someone - 12 months tied in, is a long time if your not sure you want to be with someone

still shorter than a marriage