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Original poster

Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

255 replies

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:12

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Treepigeon · 22/08/2023 10:16

Can she facilitate a couples workshops so you can basically learn whatever she does and therefore he wont feel he has to go anymore?

I would be uncomfortable too not because of the tantric workshop but the texting outside of the session. That is not professional and therefore this situation has crossed boundaries imo.

ZebraD · 22/08/2023 10:20

I was going g to say the exact same thing, perhaps it’s time to invite you to the sessions. After all you are supposed to be doing what she is doing and therefore understanding his needs better so you can go alone in time. Any therapy should only be a temporary thing.
I absolutely would not be comfortable however much it was helping, so dont feel bad for feeling upset. It is totally understandable.

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:25

@Treepigeon @ZebraD

We did discuss a couples session. The lady said that she would be happy to instruct me in some techniques which we could use in our sex life, but that she can't teach me how to achieve the therapeutic effects which she can achieve party because its taken her years to learn (she also says she has a natural, almost mystical, talent for it), and partly due to our relationship getting in the way of a "therapist/patient" type dynamic.

OP posts:
wanderinginthegarden · 22/08/2023 10:32

So his ED goes away with this women?

I think if you attended, it would have the opposite effect on him as clearly the dynamic between them two is what is helping him.

I couldn't personally live with this.

Maybe you should also have a vaginal spasm issue, and book in a few sessions with a young male escort. See if he wants to sleep with you afterwards.

ZebraD · 22/08/2023 10:33

Wow she is confident ha ha!
Take her up on what she can teach you and perhaps do your own research away from her too within that field.
Take it slowly.

Childhoodisnkthebesttime · 22/08/2023 10:34

😐

TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 10:34

Does your husband name begin with a D?

Dogsitterwoes · 22/08/2023 10:49

Big nope from me. Tantric bodywork? So she wanks him off while meditating or something? Already dubious.

That they are in constant contact outside of sessions, and he has a bad case of mentionitis, really crosses the line for any genuine form of therapy.

TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 11:00

There are men who develop ED with their wives only due to being closeted gay or just not fancying her after physical changes. Once they start having an affair they magically become able to get it up with their wives. There are men who develop ED from having an affair, nor problem with the OW or OM.

Treepigeon · 22/08/2023 11:02

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:25

@Treepigeon @ZebraD

We did discuss a couples session. The lady said that she would be happy to instruct me in some techniques which we could use in our sex life, but that she can't teach me how to achieve the therapeutic effects which she can achieve party because its taken her years to learn (she also says she has a natural, almost mystical, talent for it), and partly due to our relationship getting in the way of a "therapist/patient" type dynamic.

Umm

Yeah. I wouldn't be ok with this what so ever. Shes not some tantric goddess, many tantric sessions are for couples.

She should be helping you as a couple.

Id expect him to at the very least find a different tantric therapist who will work with you as a couple or I would be gone.

monsteramunch · 22/08/2023 11:11

He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

You say she's professional.

This doesn't sound very professional.

Twistyripple · 22/08/2023 11:12

Seems a bit suss that orignially it was for ED and now he states it's to even feel remotely sexual towards you. ED doesn't mean you don't feel sexual it just mean you cannot physically show it? Unless I've misunderstood entirely what ED is 🙄

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:13

@Treepigeon

Her website does specifically use the words "tantric goddess", so she clearly thinks she is exactly that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:15

@Twistyripple

The ED led him to withdraw physically and not being intimate at all. Solving that (well, it isn't totally solved, but it is much, much better) gave him the confidence to be sexual with me.

The way he explained it to me is that if he can't get hard, sex is just an exercise in frustration for him, and he avoids it entirely.

OP posts:
TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 11:16

This reply has been deleted

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Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 11:17

Why don’t you go… alone. Do this for you

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:17

@monsteramunch

Yes, I'm really uncomfortable about the texting. So much so that I've just spoken to him about it. He says that he values her as a friend, and that the texting is not flirty or sexual at all, and that I'm welcome to read their messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:21

@Flipflipmania

I'm not sure I understand? Go to the bodyworker? I'm completely straight, so I don't want to be touched by a woman!

OP posts:
Pashazade · 22/08/2023 11:21

If she is a professional or regards herself as such there should be no contact outside of the sessions, beyond arranging the next one. That crosses a big boundary. You could face serious consequences if you were a psychotherapist and did that here, if he can't stop the texts then he's being unfair to you.

CameronCook · 22/08/2023 11:23

This sounds very unfair on you OP and I can understand your concerns.

Perhaps take them up on attending one session so you can assess the dynamic between them.

I have no clue what a tantric bodyworker is but assume it involves her massaging him to erection / ejaculation?

ButterflyOil · 22/08/2023 11:25

Sorry but she sounds ridiculous. I DO believe this sort of work can work - but she is acting like only she can do it which is bullshit. It’d be like going to a more standard sex therapist who then claims only by continuing to see them can you maintain the benefits of the therapy. ALL treatments like this should aim to have the person self sufficient - she should be teaching him how to fix his tantric energy or whatever it is she’s doing himself and for you to explore it yourselves as a couple, not gatekeeping it.

Sounds to me like whatever skills she’s has she’s using them to bolster her ego (and money since i’m assuming she charges a pretty penny for these services). She’s abusing the therapeutic relationship.

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2023 11:26

So basically he pays a woman to wank him off under the guise of this helping him to have sex with you? She sounds like a glorified prostitute tbh.

Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 11:27

I think even if this started out as a 'therapeutic solution', it has veered into emotional affair territory. Your husband obviously has a crush on this woman, and get to have her touch him intimately on a regular basis.

The problem is you are still viewing this as being necessary to maintain your sexual relationship with your husband, meanwhile he has checked out and seems to be spending a lot of emotional energy on her. He claims he needs her in order to feel sexual - this basically means he is very attracted to her, the implication being that his sexual issues with you are because he's not so attracted to you. Not acceptable in my opinion.

Given her type of work, the fact that she is an attractive women willing to give sexual type services (even if no actual sex takes place) she is probably used to men developing crushes or infatuations with her, so can brush it off. But it must be very hurtful if your husband is prioritising her over you.

Do you really think he would be ok with you visiting a young hunky man for private massage sessions, and texting afterwards, even if no actual sex took place?

CommonVetch · 22/08/2023 11:27

What is actually taking place in these sessions? Is he just cheating on you in plain sight?

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 11:27

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:21

@Flipflipmania

I'm not sure I understand? Go to the bodyworker? I'm completely straight, so I don't want to be touched by a woman!

There will be men doing this too