Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

[Tornintwoparts]

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

It’s sex work not therapy. His paying £300 for a run down and up and maybe a bit more.

She is not therapy though she is a sex worker.

The texting outside of the appointments that are not about the appointments are proof of that alone. She just responds because she’s got an easy sucker for cash.

He's 'made friends' with someone he pays to wank him off.

The sheer audacity of him being annoyed you have an issue with this batshit situation is staggering.

😂

Oh OP - come on 😂

I guess it’s up to you whether you’re willing to put up with a sex worker wanking off your DH for £300 on a regular basis under the guise of tantric whatsit 🤷‍♀️

So, her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?

I’m guessing she could teach you, but she’d have to charge?

I was just coming to say this!

I'm just not sure.

Seriously????

Sorry, but I can see why he's getting away with it. Either you're extremely naive or he's got into your head and made you so unsure of yourself that you've lost all conviction. He's seeing a prostitute. And texting her out of hours. Be sure. Do not be fobbed off by his 'I must see my prostitute or I can't get an erection', boo fucking hoo. He's cheating on you and paying a fortune for the privilege. Sack him off then he can carry on as he pleases and you can get your self-respect back and find someone faithful and fully functioning.

😂😂😂

He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

This would be the issue for me. She should have clearer boundaries with her clients.

@Pinkdelight3

I guess the reason I'm not sure is that (a) our sex life immediately improved dramatically when he started seeing her, as did his erections, (b) tantric-based therapy with bodywork does seem to be a "thing", and (c) other "alternative" therapies are widely accepted - such as homeopathy, which is obviously nonsense, and it seems far more likely that intimate massages and meditation could help with ED than magic water with memory can cure people - and yet homeopathy is available on the NHS.

As a result, I find it really hard to call bullshit on things these days. The world has gone mad, and I feel like I'm going mad too.

To be honest. Even if say that tantric bodywork is legit therapy, she should be working with you as a couple and they absolutely should not be having a friendship outside of professional sessions.

I agree with everyone else. He is spending £300 a time to see a sexworker with incense, has convinced himself shes actually his friend, and you are meant to put up with it.

If you were happy with the arrangement because it improved your sex life then thats fine, but you are not happy about it and so he needs to stop going.

It's not even dressed up as a happy ending...it's the full start, middle and end. 😳

Why are you humiliating yourself to keep this sad sack around? There’s no shortage of men.

Obviously you are ok with unconventional solutions - which is fine if it works for you. But the red flags are the poor boundaries, the ongoing 'therapy' and the fact you haven't been included to learn what works so you can take over.

Your husband crossed the line and was taking the piss a long time ago.

there's a bit of mixed feeling over whether the tantric massages are genuinely beneficial, or just a fancy wank

Sounds like it’s both. It’s perfectly possible that getting handjobs from a sex worker has improved his ED. The question is whether you’re happy to accept that in your marriage.

There are women who put up with their husbands visiting sex workers, for all sorts of reasons. You’re allowed to decide that you’ll put up with it. You’re also allowed to decide not to and ask him to stop or (and this would be my choice) end the relationship. But please do it with your eyes open as to what’s going on.

In terms of your point A - you must surely know that married couple's sex lives often get better when one of them is having an affair. They're in a more sexually heightened state and thinking about the other person they're seeing. If you're okay with that, fine, but don't kid yourself she's some magic dick doctor who's here to fix your marriage. She's a sex worker and he's into it.

As for B&C, you/they can call it bodywork or intimate massage and meditation but it's 100% sexual. It's not analogous with homeopathy which hurts no one if it's BS and if it helps some people, great. This is helping his dick because she's being sexual with him and he's bringing that home to you, while keeping it going with her on the side. Again, if you're fine with that, that's all good and please do take advantage of your newly opened marriage, but again do not kid yourself it's not sex work. It's more analogous to punting than harmless woo.

I went to a Thai massage place for actual Thai massages which were excellent but I know punting guys went there for 'the full service', body to body and all that shit, and it really put me off. The guys tell themselves that it's not really cheating because it's not penetration and can pass it off as intimate massage, which is no different to what your guy's doing, except with the extra dimension of him having ED with you which it seems to have cured. Sounds to me like he gets off on the sex work situation and that's what's arousing him - so much that he has to keep in touch with her out of hours. As others have said, would he be texting his dentist or even his hairdresser? Course not. But don't treat these as separate issues, like, you'll deal with the texting but he can still get his jollies with her. They're the same thing, because he's into it. It can't go on unless you're fully in the picture and cool about it, which I know you're not or you wouldn't be jealous, you'd be like 'ooh great, now let's go swinging!'.

So let's give him and her and the whole "profession" the benefit of the doubt and say it's legit. I'll even give her the bit where she says she can't teach you what she does. I can see that being true because paying someone to give you a massage comes with different expectations and emotions and less baggage than getting your partner to give you a massage.
That being said it is COMPLETELY inappropriate for them to be "friends". If she had an ounce of professionalism she would have nipped this in the bud. No other type op therapist would allow that.
I had a young, hot, male optician once. He was great and I'm sure we could have found a lot in common. If I would have started texting him and building a "friendship" with him my husband very rightly would have been unhappy. The boundaries between a therapist/worker of any kind and a client should be rock hard (excuse the pun) even more so if the therapist is dealing with physical or emotional intimacies.

(b) tantric-based therapy with bodywork does seem to be a "thing", and (c) other "alternative" therapies are widely accepted - such as homeopathy, which is obviously nonsense, and it seems far more likely that intimate massages and meditation could help with ED than magic water with memory can cure people - and yet homeopathy is available on the NHS.

With respect, OP, I think you are overthinking this.

Everyone I know who has engaged in tantric therapy has done it as a couple. Just my two cents. Either way the texting is highly inappropriate! The fact he continues to do it knowing it bothers you is awful,

And a lot to do with her losing an income. All therapy is supposed to be temporary not permanent. Get the skills then suggest your husband tries reducing the therapy.

Homeopathy is only available in very, very few cases - https://www.england.nhs.uk/2018/06/nhs-england-welcomes-homeopathy-court-ruling/ and only one Board in Scotland refers for homeopathy.

Tantric bodywork my fucking arse.

Everyone I know who has engaged in tantric therapy has done it as a couple.

This too. Any attempt by her or him to make this seem legit is rendered bogus by it not being open to helping couples. If it was genuine therapy it would be. But it's not, so it's not.

Your sex life immediately improved dramatically when he started seeing her because he's having a sexual relationship with her.

Are you OK with that as a payoff?

You are worth more than that.

How would your DH feel if it was the other way around OP and you were the one that was seeing a man that massaged you whilst you had no clothes on?

Find that out and then you'll have your answer about whether he believes what he is doing is fine or not.