Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

[Tornintwoparts]

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

I know nothing about this therapy/practice but one thing I’m sure of: communicating with your clients excessively, especially about things unrelated to appointments, is an unethical practice. There’s no need for him to be in frequent contact with her.
I wouldn’t be happy either, OP.

Unfortunately, he seems to want differently.

What do you think he reaction would be if you were honest and told him that this relationship with her makes you feel threatened, and he should be focusing on building a sexual relationship exclusively with you. Do you think he would be responsive to that?

You need to address this with him or it's going to eat away at your self esteem and cause resentment. If you want to stay with him, he needs to understand that this is hurting you.

@Fallingthroughclouds it's a years old thread (probably 9 or 10 years!) about a fella who was offering Yoni massages, I don't want to derail the OP's thread too much but I'm sure it's in classics.

@Farmageddon

I have told him exactly that. He's tried to reassure me, and has explained that he needs this.

I left it at that. I would expect that if I laid it out as an ultimatum, he would stop going for the tantric therapy and cut contact, but he would almost certainly feel that I've undermined our sex life and his ability to feel like a man (i.e. he'd go back to ED problems).

@Tornintwoparts it just doesn't sound compatible with your marriage. Does he see an end to this therapy? Sounds excruciating, sounds like it could continue forever. I would not be able to live with it.

I'm sorry but that's not acceptable as a response. He 'needs' to have sexual experiences with another woman? No.

Are you really going to put up with this so that he gets to feel like a man? How much are you willing to sacrifice for his needs? What if you said to him that his sexual experiences with this other person make you feel like less of a woman. Would he take that on board and stop? I don't think he would.

Look, you are either in a committed relationship or you aren't. Unless he wants to be in an open relationship, whereby you can also look for sex elsewhere, he's being selfish and unreasonable and I think he knows it, which is why he's pushing back and using his ED as an excuse.

FYI, I actually think you should look for counselling for yourself to unpick this relationship, there is a very uneven dynamic where his desires are prioritised above yours. I have a feeling this is not the only way in which your needs are pushed down in the service of his wants.

I have told him exactly that. He's tried to reassure me, and has explained that he needs this.

But he doesn't NEED to have text contact with this person. He doesn't NEED to be "friends" with her. Why will he not create boundaries around this relationship for YOUR comfort? (I mean, I think the whole thing is bollocks anyway, but whether or not he states that he needs the "therapy" I cannot see how he can justify the rest of it.)

I left it at that. I would expect that if I laid it out as an ultimatum, he would stop going for the tantric therapy and cut contact, but he would almost certainly feel that I've undermined our sex life and his ability to feel like a man (i.e. he'd go back to ED problems).

This is very, very concerning. Your husband is essentially blackmailing you.

OP in every single one of your posts you're being so considerate to every aspect of your DH's issues, he is very much not showing you the same respect.

No decent therapist would have any sort of "friendship" with a client outside of their therapist/client dynamic, and in fact she's cited this as a reason why she can't teach you her techniques.

Tantric massage is effectively wanking someone off with some added breathing and spiritual stuff thrown in, has he ever attempted to recreate this with you or is it saved for her?

Also (sorry for the lots of messages) I have just reread your last message - he's essentially telling you without actually telling you that he's not sexually attracted to you, and that the only way he gets proper sexual relief is with someone else. You're only in your 40's - do you really want to live like this?

If you did give him an ultimatum and he stopped, presumably he's be resentful that you 'took away' his relief and therapeutic escape, and you would somehow feel guilty. This is all sorts of wrong. He is cheating on you, and blaming you for it.

@ClementWeatherToday This is very, very concerning. Your husband is essentially blackmailing you.

He's absolutely not, he's being fully honest to her (unlike half of the clients who go to tantric massages), he's telling her what works and what doesn't for him. He's laying his cards on the table. The fact she doesn't like those cards that's a whole different story.

I agree with everything other posters have said. I can't believe there is such an imbalance in this relationship - and he's persuaded you to give up all your wishes (monogamous, normal relationship) for his wishes (to essentially see a prostitute) and convinced you it's to heal his past trauma. He's so manipulative!!!

Any tantric sexual stuff should always have been with both of you as couples therapy.

@Sandra1984

He's absolutely not, he's being fully honest to her (unlike half of the clients who go to tantric massages), he's telling her what works and what doesn't for him. He's laying his cards on the table. The fact she doesn't like those cards that's a whole different story.

What he's telling her is that she must let him have absolutely everything his own way (including, erm, being friends with his "therapist" and messaging her outside of their sessions) or he will stop having sex with her (which he knows she desperately wants).

Why won't he consider seeing another tantric therapist who has better professional boundaries? Why must it be this one, in THIS way? As PP have observed, ANY therapist who tells their client that they must continue seeing them forever or the therapy will stop working is either a) crap at their job or b) taking their client (or their client's spouse...) for a ride. It is completely unethical, whatever your personal opinion of the type of therapy.

Has he had a full medical examination to determine what is causing the ED? DH is nearly 60 and his ED was found to be as a result of a cardiac issue that he then needed surgery for. He's had that done, but his ED is still sadly there - and he can't use traditional meds like Viagra and the Stimgel did nothing. GP suggested a pump but that's not great either. He gets incredibly frustrated, then angry and so we do nothing.

I'm having huge difficulty accepting a sexless marriage, and whilst dearly loving my DH of 30 years, would not in any way shape or form tolerate him seeing a sex worker. His focus is his pleasure alone. I think I'd feel even more rejected than I already do.

Your role as his sexual partner has been side shifted, and honestly, I don't see how you can move on from that. He's gone elsewhere, got his kicks, and without sounding horribly unkind, he could well be imagining her when you are being intimate.

I really like the idea of this tantric stuff exclusively with my partner without another woman involved on any level! therapist or otherwise. I could actually see it bringing you very close together. Which is probably what it's doing for him and his "therapist". Op why don't you suggest giving each other tantric massages? Make a date of it?

@MillWood85

Yes, he did have a full medical exam. His heart was fine, and he gave up smoking (which the doctor told him could contribute). They couldn't identify a physical reason, and said it was probably psychological.

Your experience with your husband being frustrated and angry sounds similar to how mine was - which is why I don't want to go back to that.

@OnAir

We do use a lot of tantric techniques in our own sex life. In the early stages he did come back from his appointments with suggestions about what we could try, and actually it was really useful.

So why is it still necessary..?

The truth is that it (probably) isn't. He just enjoys what she does to him when he's there and enjoys messaging her the rest of the time.

You're telling yourself you're OK with it because of his past and your joint past but I wouldn't be ok with my husband seeing a glorified sex worker so that he was able to have sex with me. How depressing.

I am not sure if this is real? I'm pretty hippy and this is obviously so out of order if it's true, I cannot believe any woman would allow this to happen.

Christ. He's using sex work services. Simple as that.

So why is he still using her services?

Clue - he’s having a sex affair and his wife’s falling for his BS.

@SirChenjins

Obviously I can't tell you if its the true reason, but the given reason is that there is a difference between using tantra for better (or at least different) sex, and using tantric bodywork for therapy. The bits and bobs I've picked up can achieve the first bit, but not the second bit, presumably in the same way that a few tennis lessons might let me play a rally rather than miss the ball entirely, but not win any medals at Wimbledon.

Assuming he's getting a happy ending (because plenty of tantric massages don't involve a HE) the question you need to ask your husband is how would he feel if you had a tantric masseur fingering you to orgasm every month for 300 pounds in order to have sex with him. That's what you have to ask him. See what he says, maybe it's interesting and opens a whole conversation on boundaries, fidelity and monogamy with him.

Has he even tried going with out it? How does he know he will go back to the ED problems?

Yada yada yada. As I said, you’ve fallen hook, line and sinker for his BS and seem remarkably unbothered and quite detached for some reason. He’s having a sleazy little affair, nothing more.

I think it is reasonable for him to stop and see if he still has the same problems as before and if he does and you both agree you want to be together and the tantric body work stuff is beneficial to your mutual sex life then he finds a new tantric therapist with better professional boundaries.

@Treepigeon

Thanks - that does seem like a sensible approach which he can't really object to (I hope!).