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Original poster

Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

255 replies

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:12

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
UnderCarraigeWoes · 23/08/2023 09:06

Sorry I've PM'd you.

Shapemyeyebrows · 23/08/2023 09:11

@Tornintwoparts what the hell have I just read? It baffles me how you can even be entertaining this. So basically hes paying to be touched by a scantily clad woman who he messages outside of these sessions, he will sometimes “finish” when there and the only way he can have sex with you is because he is thinking about her and these sessions. Right ok then. 🙈 There is nothing professional about this set up. Sorry but you are being taken for a mug here.

GoodNightsSleep · 23/08/2023 09:13

Dery · 22/08/2023 23:34

@Tornintwoparts - my DH and I did tantric couples training for a few years. The point was that we learnt techniques for each other. We also learnt from someone who was a trained and very experienced psychotherapist as well as having trained in tantra. So it was a very safe space for learning and our teacher was very able to deal with any emotional fallout which came up for people as we were doing the training. It was fabulous.

However, this woman is interposing herself in a way which is really unhelpful to your couple relationship. Tantra can be great but there is a problem where some practitioners offer it as therapy without properly understanding their role in a therapeutic sense because they have only learnt the tantra techniques, they’ve not trained as therapists/counsellors. So there can be all kinds of issues with boundaries and with failure to provide the therapeutic support needed alongside the practices.

Also there’s quite a lot of polyamory in the tantra world. She’s not tuned into your need to be monogamous with your DH nor does she particularly respect your relationship.

Ultimately, this is how she makes her living and she clearly doesn’t see her work with your DH having any impending deadline so it becomes about whether you can live with this. It’s really tough. I would struggle deeply.

Really lucid analysis for those not familiar with this area.

Notmytotoro · 23/08/2023 10:53

Pocodaku · 23/08/2023 00:19

There are male tantric workers. But as it’s an unregulated profession with bodywork involved, potential women clients have to be extra careful.

do you know any? Thanks

Pocodaku · 23/08/2023 23:22

Notmytotoro · 23/08/2023 10:53

do you know any? Thanks

Show quote history

In my country, yes, but not in the UK, unfortunately.

RandomForest · 23/08/2023 23:59

Notmytotoro · 23/08/2023 10:53

do you know any? Thanks

Show quote history

Wasn't the famous Brian from Hull, into tantra, Yoni massage.

Have read of the old clssics on MN.

I'm sure he'll still be knocking arround.

RantyAnty · 24/08/2023 05:30

You could casually mention you've found a tantric god named Fabio and have booked in a 2 hour appointment.

Susieb2023 · 24/08/2023 07:41

@MsDogLady nails it for me.

I’m sorry, this would not be acceptable to me. It does feel like glorified sex work, and they have torn down the walls of your marriage and left you feeling unsafe and part of a strange triangle. That’s enough for me.

GoodNightsSleep · 24/08/2023 09:37

I did a quick google of this and found a DIY guide. As couples can do this for themselves I’m not sure why you’d continually be paying a third party?

https://www.scribd.com/document/468862865/Tantric-Massage

Tantric Massage

Scribd is the world's largest social reading and publishing site.

https://www.scribd.com/document/468862865/Tantric-Massage

Sandra1984 · 24/08/2023 10:50

Susieb2023 · 24/08/2023 07:41

@MsDogLady nails it for me.

I’m sorry, this would not be acceptable to me. It does feel like glorified sex work, and they have torn down the walls of your marriage and left you feeling unsafe and part of a strange triangle. That’s enough for me.

Sounds reasonable, but then she will go back to her sexless marriage and miserable husband.I for one know which option I would choose but then sex is very important for me. sounds like it’s not extremely important for the OP?

Pinkdelight3 · 24/08/2023 11:26

Sounds reasonable, but then she will go back to her sexless marriage and miserable husband.

Well then the therapy hasn't worked and their marriage is over, because the ED diagnosis is that he doesn't fancy his wife any more and needs another woman to get it up. It's horrible to think of it like that but that's the unavoidable subtext of this set-up and the OP has said she wants a monogamous marriage. So she's with the wrong man. Why put up with his misery for that?

Sandra1984 · 24/08/2023 11:31

Pinkdelight3 · 24/08/2023 11:26

Sounds reasonable, but then she will go back to her sexless marriage and miserable husband.

Well then the therapy hasn't worked and their marriage is over, because the ED diagnosis is that he doesn't fancy his wife any more and needs another woman to get it up. It's horrible to think of it like that but that's the unavoidable subtext of this set-up and the OP has said she wants a monogamous marriage. So she's with the wrong man. Why put up with his misery for that?

I agree with your post, looks like the tantric massage is giving his "sexual mojo back" and the wife in itself is not, maybe after 25 years of marriage that flame is gone. It's up to the OP to decide if she wants to stay in this "imperfect situation" or divorce him and find a man who will fancy shagging her without any "outside help". That's not for us to decide but the OP.

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 24/08/2023 13:49

Thank you everyone for your input on this.

Last night I made my husband read this thread. While he says he completely disagrees that it amounts to seeing a prostitute, he can see how much it is hurting me and has agreed to stop. He messaged her to tell her he won't be seeing her for any more massages, and then blocked her.

We then had the best sex I can remember for years (sorry if TMI).

This morning I got a text from her saying that she is sorry that I felt the arrangement was inappropriate, and hopes that there are lasting benefits to all the sessions they've had. She's also asked for a quote to put on her website if we feel she's helped us!!

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 24/08/2023 13:58

Sandra1984 · 24/08/2023 10:50

Sounds reasonable, but then she will go back to her sexless marriage and miserable husband.I for one know which option I would choose but then sex is very important for me. sounds like it’s not extremely important for the OP?

Show quote history

Thing is it’s fair enough if paying another person for sexual massages enhances your relationship. If you are happy with that as a couple, it’s fine. It’s the dressing tantric massage up as ‘therapy’ and trying to make out it’s different to any other type of sexual interaction that’s the sketchy bit. Like op is being gaslit in to seeing it as no different to any other therapy when clearly it is and op isn’t comfortable with it.

If having sexual interaction with a third person is part of your relationship then everyone should be open honest and onboard with that.

Anothernamethesamegame · 24/08/2023 14:01

@Tornintwoparts Im glad he has agreed to stop. I hope it is good news that you managed to have a good sexual
Experience last night, as surely that was the ultimate goal of him going for the T massages. Sounds like hopefully his issue has moved on.

It’s odd that she messaged asking you for a quote though. Given she had what seemed to be an inappropriate relationship and it only ended because you felt it was crossing a line.

Gothambutnotahamster · 24/08/2023 14:01

Shes definitely brazen, I'll give her that! Well done Op & hope things work out for you both.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 24/08/2023 15:33

Tornintwoparts · 24/08/2023 13:49

Thank you everyone for your input on this.

Last night I made my husband read this thread. While he says he completely disagrees that it amounts to seeing a prostitute, he can see how much it is hurting me and has agreed to stop. He messaged her to tell her he won't be seeing her for any more massages, and then blocked her.

We then had the best sex I can remember for years (sorry if TMI).

This morning I got a text from her saying that she is sorry that I felt the arrangement was inappropriate, and hopes that there are lasting benefits to all the sessions they've had. She's also asked for a quote to put on her website if we feel she's helped us!!

Sounds like a good outcome OP, hope it all works out well for you

Shapemyeyebrows · 24/08/2023 19:11

@Tornintwoparts I would have a major issue moving past what he’s been doing but then again you had given him the nod to all this so it’s not like he’s deceived you. Hopefully you can move forward now and put better boundaries in place. Just be mindful that may continue doing it behind your back once the dust has settled as he was clearly enjoying it and now has a taste of getting sexually excited by another woman.

Shapemyeyebrows · 24/08/2023 19:12

*he may

IdoIdoIpoo · 24/08/2023 20:04

Jesus Christ

Incredible

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 24/08/2023 20:24

Bloody hell, if this is real its very very disturbing.

What a load of deception from them both.

I feel really sorry for you op.

GreyCarpet · 25/08/2023 07:12

Shapemyeyebrows · 24/08/2023 19:11

@Tornintwoparts I would have a major issue moving past what he’s been doing but then again you had given him the nod to all this so it’s not like he’s deceived you. Hopefully you can move forward now and put better boundaries in place. Just be mindful that may continue doing it behind your back once the dust has settled as he was clearly enjoying it and now has a taste of getting sexually excited by another woman.

I thought that.

The whole thing is littered with disrespect and normal boundary crossing including the way he has ended the therapeutic relationship (telling this woman that OP thinks it's inappropriate rather than he no longer feels its necessary).

She's crossed professional boundaries by making direct contact with the OP referring to this.

And then again when she asked for some sort of testimonial from the OP. Especially in light of the the fact she thinks it inappropriate.

The whole thing is awful from start to finish.

I also think it's likely to resume in secret too.

SirChenjins · 25/08/2023 08:13

I'd keep a very close eye on things OP - I suspect they won't cut all ties.

jannier · 25/08/2023 11:26

So from your update it sounds like the therapeutic (lol) relationship was preventing the best sex ever and not needed

RandomForest · 25/08/2023 14:28

GreyCarpet · 25/08/2023 07:12

I thought that.

The whole thing is littered with disrespect and normal boundary crossing including the way he has ended the therapeutic relationship (telling this woman that OP thinks it's inappropriate rather than he no longer feels its necessary).

She's crossed professional boundaries by making direct contact with the OP referring to this.

And then again when she asked for some sort of testimonial from the OP. Especially in light of the the fact she thinks it inappropriate.

The whole thing is awful from start to finish.

I also think it's likely to resume in secret too.

Show quote history

I agree.

And personally I would be distancing myself from this cruel triangle, realise the people involved in this were lacking in care and empathy. I don't think you should trust your husband with your safety.

I can't believe she asked for a glowing reference from the woman who she made feel like shit.

Horrible woman.