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Original poster

Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

255 replies

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:12

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:28

@CameronCook

I understand that it is a full body massage, which includes the genitals, combined with meditation practices and breathing. The massage is carried out mostly using hands, but in some cases with other body contact. He is naked, she is not (but is scantily clad). It doesn't include intercourse or oral, and he isn't allowed to touch her. She doesn't aim for ejaculation - mostly the opposite - although he said it happens sometimes.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 11:29

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:28

@CameronCook

I understand that it is a full body massage, which includes the genitals, combined with meditation practices and breathing. The massage is carried out mostly using hands, but in some cases with other body contact. He is naked, she is not (but is scantily clad). It doesn't include intercourse or oral, and he isn't allowed to touch her. She doesn't aim for ejaculation - mostly the opposite - although he said it happens sometimes.

I mean, you can call it all the fancy names you like - it's pretty much sex work. He could actually get something similar in a massage parlour for much cheaper without the chanting and incense burning.

Would you be ok with him getting a happy ending massage? That's really what this is...you are being played for a mug by your husband.

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/08/2023 11:29

Another woman is wanking your husband off and you are okay with it!?!?
C'mon. If it looks like a duck it sure as hell ain't a horse.

Feverly · 22/08/2023 11:32

Are you fine with being made a complete mug of? Is this all you want from life? I’d put money on it that your life’s old be more enjoyable if you divorced the man.

Feverly · 22/08/2023 11:32

*would be more

Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 11:32

Also (just thinking more about this) she is spending time and energy and focus on making sure he is relaxed and feeling good, getting off etc.
So he gets to just enjoy being the centre of attention and having his needs met, whereas if he is having sex with you, he needs to actually put some effort in and make sure you are satisfied - don't you see how selfish he is being, of course he prefers being with her, it's all about him and his wants.

pimplebum · 22/08/2023 11:34

Fuck me you are the very poster woman for liberal wife !

Massage , meditation and breath work - fantastic for managing anxiety! = I'd say crack on love

Scantily clad genital titillation ejaculation = sex worker - he's paying to have a "goddess" wank him off = I'd say time to rethink marriage

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:37

@pimplebum

For years I was the poster woman for a sex-starved wife.

At the time I was willing to try anything, and at first I was SO grateful it worked.

But maybe I've just let it get out of control.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 22/08/2023 11:38

I'm dubious op, but even if this were a professional relationship, there wouldn't be texts and saying they were friends.

You wouldn't be texting a gynaecologist for example.

Also, any good therapist would be trying to move things forward, as part of a programme. Not just giving wank massages and that's it.

The whole thing is very suspicious.

minipie · 22/08/2023 11:41

Would he be ok with you going to a man who gave you similar “treatment”?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/08/2023 11:44

(she also says she has a natural, almost mystical, talent for it)

Charlatan alert.

monsteramunch · 22/08/2023 11:44

He says that he values her as a friend, and that the texting is not flirty or sexual at all, and that I'm welcome to read their messages.

How disingenuous of him to describe this as a friendship he values as if the fact she regularly wanks him off while he's naked, often to the point of ejaculation, as if that doesn't somewhat change this from a normal friendship!

God what a selfish little prick he sounds.

He'd be happy with you being 'friends' with a man who masturbates you would he? And if it made him uncomfortable he'd accept you saying you valued said wanker's friendship?Would he fuck.

Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 11:45

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 11:37

@pimplebum

For years I was the poster woman for a sex-starved wife.

At the time I was willing to try anything, and at first I was SO grateful it worked.

But maybe I've just let it get out of control.

The problem is OP, he hasn't just used one or two sessions to develop a better sex life with you, he seems to just be using it as an ongoing sexual outlet for himself. So you are still left feeling like you are somehow competing with her for his attentions.
He should be focused on ensuring a mutually enjoyable sex life with you, not just having an ongoing relationship with this woman. Actually, if he really wanted to improve your sex life, it should have been a couples thing - you both should have gone somewhere together and learned ways to touch and help each other. But instead it's all about him.

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 11:46

Sorry, OP, I'm with everyone else.

A massage with a happy ending is a massage with a happy ending. However the masseuse identifies (tantric goddess?)

All the texting outside and referring to her as a friend is on another level. Tbh.

Olika · 22/08/2023 11:50

I agree with PPs, this is not ok.

dooneyousmugelf · 22/08/2023 11:54

Fuck that shit

TheGoodBanana · 22/08/2023 12:06

Oh my word, OP he is playing you for a fool here. Your husband should not be ejaculating at the hands of anyone but you or him. This is cheating in my book and I would be off like a shot to find someone who can have sex with me unaided!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 22/08/2023 12:09

Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 11:32

Also (just thinking more about this) she is spending time and energy and focus on making sure he is relaxed and feeling good, getting off etc.
So he gets to just enjoy being the centre of attention and having his needs met, whereas if he is having sex with you, he needs to actually put some effort in and make sure you are satisfied - don't you see how selfish he is being, of course he prefers being with her, it's all about him and his wants.

Exactly this!

@Tornintwoparts- I agree that at a time you made a choice to try anything that would help in any way.

Unfortunately things have run away with you and this is now breaking boundaries in all directions.

This cannot be good for you; for your heart or for your self esteem. He is being incredibly selfish and thoughtless. The texting needs to stop immediately and you need to go back to factor settings ie really consider if you still want this relationship. He is the one with the issue and you have choices. You have done enough “cool wife-img” for a lifetime. Enough.

New therapist. Couple sessions. No unprofessional side chit chat nonsense. And a hell of a lot more respect shown to you by your husband. I am angry for you. He sounds like a selfish dick.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 22/08/2023 12:10

*factory settings

*”cool wife-ing”

sorry for typos, am cross for you!

5128gap · 22/08/2023 12:16

Your husband is able to have sex with you now because he's fantasising about the sex he is having with her. Not necessarily because she's so much more desirable than you but that the situation with her is so novel/risque/exciting.
She has 'taught' him absolutely nothing. He is just using the experience with her to arouse him later, like interactive porn.
You need to decide whether to accept a sex life with him that needs to be fueled by someone else, or to look for another sexual partner that is aroused by sex with you.

Incognitoergosumlol · 22/08/2023 12:25

He's basically become his own pornographer and you are lucky if his attention strays your way - like a brief projection onto you. Your situation has not improved any; in fact it has gotten worse as he is gaslighting you to the extreme by his interactions with his 'therapist' . He is the epitome of an entitled c*nt and you hopefully will disappear him very quickly!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/08/2023 12:25

Let’s assume that she is being professional and working as an (unorthodox) therapist.

Many people (me included) are or have been in therapy.
I value my therapist and really like her. But she is NOT my friend. I do not text her, call her on her private phone etc.
the same goes for my dentist, primary care physician, gynaecologist etc.

so why should she be different?
and it does sound as if your DH is very dependent on her. Shouldn’t the aim to give both of you the tools to live your sexlife WITHOUT permanently needing to rely on her?

  1. has your DH tried actual therapy?
  2. could you find an other tantric practitioner? One that is willing to work with both of you ?
FlamingMadKatie · 22/08/2023 12:25

Out of curiosity, how do you think he'd react if you said that things have improved but you're still somewhat dissatisfied. For balance, and to keep both of you happy, you'll find a regular male sexual partner? That's after all, what she is, a female sexual partner.

Sandra1984 · 22/08/2023 12:32

Sorry OP but sounds like the passion is gone out of the window after 25 years of marriage and the only way of keeping some sort of flame alive is with the help of the Tantrika. You have a few options:

  1. let both of you get your jollies at home (with the goddess help), have a more sexually fulfilling life and keep you and your husband happy.
  2. Forbid him to continue getting massages and continue being sexually frustrated (and your husband).
  3. tell him that you're ok with his tantric massages but you're going to find yourself a young good looking tantric masseur too, after all that would be fair game.
  4. Leave him and get another husband.

You pick.

NotMadeOfStone · 22/08/2023 12:33

She has a 'mystical talent' for wanking guys off?

I mean...it's not difficult is it?