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Original poster

Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

255 replies

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:12

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 14:19

@Ohdofuckofdear

Well, we did have that conversation, and obviously he assured me that if I had some kind of physical or psychological issue that would best be overcome in this way then he would be fully supportive.

But then of course he'd say that, wouldn't he! In all honesty I don't know how he would feel the other way around in reality, and I don't think there is any way to find out.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 22/08/2023 14:20

How would your DH feel if it was the other way around OP and you were the one that was seeing a man that massaged you whilst you had no clothes on?

A man who massaged your genitals and you had orgasms with him.

Would your DH be cool with that?

UglyBella · 22/08/2023 14:22

Listen to your gut. You feel "jealous" of the relationship he has with this woman.

Because there is something going on here which is not ok within a committed, monogamous relationship.

Don't let the smoke and mirrors fool you, your instincts are correct.

And no, he absolutely should not be texting her.

Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 14:25

OP are you generally quite passive in the relationship? It seems like you are taking what he is saying as gospel. Of course he's going to say it's legit, he's benefitting from it.

Also, c'mon there is a world of difference between aromatherapy and a massage with your husband fully naked designed to erotically satisfy him.
If there is a benefit from tantric it would be for couples to go together and explore each other, maybe with guidance from a teacher - but that's not what is happening here, he is being sexually massaged by a strange woman. The fact that he has excluded you from this is very clearly so he can do this with her. Why are you not more angry about this?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 22/08/2023 14:25

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation

I think you’re going to be the only one whose dh is using a sex worker in plain sight. Im so sorry, it sounds bloody awful for you.

The nhs isn’t pro alternative therapies, my colleague wanted to use essential oils to freshen the air and got a hard no off management and an eye roll later when she told the rest of us.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/08/2023 14:28

I've just re-read your OP and it's sunk in that this has been going on for two years. I'm astounded you've put up with it for so long. Even if it was legit therapy (which it isn't), two years is long enough to have moved on to a more sustainable solution where the two of you can manage things together. It's not a solution otherwise, it's just her. Ugh, honestly, you must be so good at turning a blind-eye because the reality is blaring.

thenightsky · 22/08/2023 14:36

£300 every couple of weeks?? Shock

blablabla123 · 22/08/2023 14:38

He has spent 15k over the two years on her "magic"?

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 14:39

@thenightsky

It's not quite as often that, and the money isn't a problem anyway - we both work full time in professional careers and have never had (or wanted) kids.

OP posts:
Gothambutnotahamster · 22/08/2023 14:43

TheInseparables · 22/08/2023 13:56

there's a bit of mixed feeling over whether the tantric massages are genuinely beneficial, or just a fancy wank

Sounds like it’s both. It’s perfectly possible that getting handjobs from a sex worker has improved his ED. The question is whether you’re happy to accept that in your marriage.

There are women who put up with their husbands visiting sex workers, for all sorts of reasons. You’re allowed to decide that you’ll put up with it. You’re also allowed to decide not to and ask him to stop or (and this would be my choice) end the relationship. But please do it with your eyes open as to what’s going on.

This!

Plus he's being even more disrespectful to you with the messaging outside of sessions.

OhmygodDont · 22/08/2023 14:45

I totally missed the 2 years bit. So yeah it’s complete bs isn’t it. If this “therapy” worked to cure ED he wouldn’t need to go for 2 years.

PaminaMozart · 22/08/2023 14:46

Wouldn't you be happier without all this shit in your life? Your husband is having an affair in plain sight and you are just standing by....... why?

What positives is he actually bringing to your life? You've been together 25 years - can you really face another quarter of a century or more living with such an utterly selfish sex addict...

Pinkdelight3 · 22/08/2023 14:49

I get that marriages are complex and he's been lying to you for years, but I'm starting to think from your answers, and from how long it's been going on, that you're okay with it really. You just don't want to feel jealous so as long as he doesn't rub your nose in it, you're happy to frame what they're doing as legit therapeutic and let it go on. If so, go ahead. But no one here is going to back up the delusion that he's not seeing a sex worker.

jammydodgers0 · 22/08/2023 14:49

If he's paying for a "service" that is carried out by a human and ends with him ejaculating, your Husband is using a prostitute. Come on OP, open your eyes. I'd rather be alone forever than let DH do this.

NarcNarc · 22/08/2023 15:04

Good grief! Every time I think I’ve read it all on this forum, along cones another unbelievable thread. If this is true, and I’m finding it pretty impossible to believe, then your H has been visiting a prostitute for, what, two years did you say? What a lucky chap he is to be able to indulge himself in plain sight!

I wonder if this self-styled tantric goddess will be as amazing at her ‘job’ when she’s older and time has taken its toll on her body as it does on us all? What if she wore a bright yellow Macintosh with matching hat and galoshes instead of her g string and plunge bra? Unless your H has a rubber fetish or fancies Captain Birdseye of course 😂

Fallingthroughclouds · 22/08/2023 15:06

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:25

@Treepigeon @ZebraD

We did discuss a couples session. The lady said that she would be happy to instruct me in some techniques which we could use in our sex life, but that she can't teach me how to achieve the therapeutic effects which she can achieve party because its taken her years to learn (she also says she has a natural, almost mystical, talent for it), and partly due to our relationship getting in the way of a "therapist/patient" type dynamic.

Oh no this is not going to end well. Of course she doesn't want to involve you. She's literally making money from him hand over fist.

Did he look into other therapies? Or go straight from viagra to hand jobs? How long is he planning to continue paying for sex?

If this has worked and he can move on and close the door then great, but it now sounds like she is a fixture in your life. I wouldn't be able to live with it.

I really admire you in many ways, to dedicate so much love to someone, to want them healed, that you would okay this, then you are a much bigger person than I. You're open mindedness is very impressive. You deserve the whole of someone.

itsmyp4rty · 22/08/2023 15:10

She thinks she's some sort of miraculous goddess because she's hot - got big tits I'm guessing - and can get an erection out of a bloke that been in the same relationship for 25 years or more? This has been going on 2 years with no end in sight and they message each other and are friends?

She's not a therapist in any professional sense of the word OP, they'd never behave like this. She's just a sex worker with a very high opinion of herself.

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 15:15

@Fallingthroughclouds

We went to sex therapy together after trying Viagra. The therapist was of the view that either his ED would need to be resolved, or he would have to come to terms with it, and find value in sex without an erection. He referred my husband to another therapist to talk about his sexual trauma issue, but that went nowhere.

At around the same time he was having one of his little religious fads, and tried out Buddhism. He got into meditation from that (which he still does, although he dropped all the spiritual stuff), and somehow from that found out about the tantric therapy.

I'm not quite sure what else we could have tried.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 22/08/2023 15:17

pamplemoussemousse · 22/08/2023 13:29

I was just coming to say this!

Show quote history

Who on earth is Brian from Hull? I'm guessing by that name he's also a Tantric God.

PaminaMozart · 22/08/2023 15:19

I'm not quite sure what else we could have tried.

Cialis and Levitra?

Redruby2020 · 22/08/2023 15:20

TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 10:34

Does your husband name begin with a D?

😂

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 15:21

@PaminaMozart

Sorry, yes - he was seeing a consultant about the physiological side of it. Viagra was tried but didn't work, and other medical options were considered, although I can't remember what - it was a long time ago.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 22/08/2023 15:27

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 15:15

@Fallingthroughclouds

We went to sex therapy together after trying Viagra. The therapist was of the view that either his ED would need to be resolved, or he would have to come to terms with it, and find value in sex without an erection. He referred my husband to another therapist to talk about his sexual trauma issue, but that went nowhere.

At around the same time he was having one of his little religious fads, and tried out Buddhism. He got into meditation from that (which he still does, although he dropped all the spiritual stuff), and somehow from that found out about the tantric therapy.

I'm not quite sure what else we could have tried.

Again this is all about him and his needs. What about what you want? Your desires? Your need to be connected to your husband and feel valued? He is undermining all that by prioritising her and maintaining a sexual relationship outside the marriage.
Are you somehow excusing all of this because he had sexual trauma as a child?

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 15:32

@Farmageddon

I'm definitely more tolerant due to the sexual trauma side, yes. It feels very wrong to shoot down anything which might alleviate the effects of that on his life. I was there when he started suffering from ED, and it really affected him, and I do genuinely believe he started off with the tantric therapy for honourable reasons.

But a couple of years down the line it feels like its drifted into maybe he's doing it still for the wrong reasons.

In terms of what I want, I just want a normal, monogamous, relationship with my husband.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 22/08/2023 15:33

monsteramunch · 22/08/2023 11:11

He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

You say she's professional.

This doesn't sound very professional.

Seconded.

Also don't think much of the response to your enquiry about couple's sessions.