Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

[Tornintwoparts]

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

Then find a male practitioner?

Oh dear. He's seeing a prostitute with an angle, and you're supposed to like it and join in?

She's not a professional. Being a goddess is not a profession. I'm pretty liberal but like hell would I stand for this within a supposedly monogamous marriage. He ends his relationship with her or you end your relationship with him. Sorry.

Anyone who says they hace a mystical talent for something isn't a professional.

Anyone who claims to be a therapist is being paid to help someone resolve an issue. By refusing to accept that she could teach you what she does, she is ensuring he remains reliant on her, while at the same time distancing him from you.

She doesn't sounds professional. It sounds as though he's found someone else (could call themselves a practioner, or a sex worker) who can get him turned on, and he doesn't want to stop seeing her, or for you to learn the tricks so he no longer needs to see her. That is bad enough, but add to that the texts when they are apart - they've developed a friendship (at best). Any true professional would avoid developing any sort of friendship / relationship with a client.

I understand why you are concerned. I think I would have walked away before now.

What's the texting all about? I don't think that's professional. He surely wouldn't text his dentist or optician so why this?

There's nothing wrong with the OP. She doesn't need to see anyone. She just needs to see that her DH has crossed the line and she's quite justified in feeling jealous and it needs to stop or else it's over. People were only suggesting OP went along to his sessions to test how legitimate the set-up was. If she was a genuine sex therapist, she'd have agreed to see the couple to help with this issue. Hell, even some sex workers would involve the wife. But this is clearly a mystically-branded sex worker who just wants her male clients' £££ and doesn't actually have skills that could help with the marriage in the way it was portrayed. In fact, this guy's in thrall to her and wrecking his marriage as a result.

Whatever her “profession” is she had crossed a line by texting him in a, not professional capacity. If she was a true, dedicated wanking machine “sex therapist” she would understand why these boundaries are so important to have in place.

Something smells fishy here OP, and I doubt it’s the incense.

If you can, get rid of him. He's getting fondled by this woman and ejaculating. It's no different to going to a strip club and paying for some extras or having an affair right under your nose. It's just being given legitimacy by him because she is a tantric bodyworker.

In my time, I've come across one tantric bodyworker and that bodyworker shagged clients. I guess there are others who don't do that, but I've only come across the one.

This is a bonafide tantric psych0sexual somatic therapist. If he is seeing someone from the internet and not qualified it's probably a glorified massage parlour.

https://www.mikelousada.com/london/2/About-Mike.html

The only time I've ever come across references to tantric 'professional' it was an obvious euphemism for prostitute.

Are you she's not a prostitution?

Texting outside of sessions is totally unprofessional.

He also wanks ladies, but he’s a guy hence “respectable”, was she a woman all the daggers would fall on her. Oh the sexism on MN!

I'm surprised no one has mentioned Brian from Hull yet.

Hell would freeze over before I was ok with this.

I am thinking that whoever you thought you married, he isn't that person. He doesn't seem to give a shit does he.

Life might be better alone instead of enduring this crap.

Out of curiosity,

How much do these sessions with this sexual touch worker cost?

@wanderinginthegarden

I'm not sure on the cost exactly, as we have separate bank accounts, but I think he said its around £300 for a two hour session.

Of course she's "scantily clad". It's not the tantric element he's going for, it's being sexually touched by an attractive women with her body on show.

Come on OP!

Thank you everyone.

As I see it from the responses so far, there's a bit of mixed feeling over whether the tantric massages are genuinely beneficial, or just a fancy wank, although the majority here seem to think its more the latter. I'm just not sure.

But everyone thinks that the "friendship" and exchanging of messages between sessions is not okay. So I'm definitely going to be acting on that.

If you google "tantric goddess" + therapy", Google's second hit is to a delightful website called UK punting. For punters. Who I believe are otherwise known as johns. Though I'm the polite type, and when I worked in sexual health we called them clients.

There are plenty of genuine therapists who try to help couples with sex problems, whilst keeping their clothes on and touching nothing. This woman is not one of those.

"Tantric goddess" sounds typical upper-end-prostitute code for "good at hand jobs". Of course she doesn't want to reduce her income stream by helping you help him!

OP, your hubby is regularly seeing a sex worker. Only you can decide where you go with that.

A TWO HOUR SESSION?!

C'mon OP.

She's a sex worker, with incense.

He clearly fancies her, and that makes the relationship weird. OP imagine if you saw a gorgeous man every few weeks who spent an hour massaging you and then made you orgasm. Can you honestly hand on heart say that you could text him during the week in a "platonic" way? I know that I couldn't! I would fancy them like mad and want them to like me back, and that would be reflected in how I message them.

Also , a good friend he values, what crap. What do they have in common? What does he really care about her and her life and her interests, outside of the role that she plays in his sex life?

£300?

So £150 a hour.

Definitely a sex worker.

It would not surprise me if they do shag.

He's just not telling you that.

God grief woman. You have your life ahead of you. You can find someone who doesn't do this and gets horny for you every single night.

Tell him you would like £300 every two weeks for therapy, then divorce his arse.

I think having sex with a prostitute twice a month is very good grounds for divorce

and they text each other regularly outside of appointments

That’s completely outside of professional boundaries.

So, essentially, she gives your DH a hand job and communicates outside of the professional/client relationship (although I’m in no way endorsing g what she does or claiming her to be any type of professional), and you want to know if you should be okay with that?

I've never heard of this before but guess it could be a thing. I'm younger and not suffered from ED but I'm not so sure on it all, seems a bit suss.

In my view he's getting it up because he's being touched by someone else, someone new and younger not whatever it is she's doing. Similar to some who watch porn instead it's hits arousing but this is full on instead.

If it was what she is doing, how come you can't do the same and it work? Is he able to now because it's worked or is he actually fantasying her while doing so?

I dunno, either she is legit and good at it, knows it's all bullshit or she's delusional and actually her success is basically men getting off on it.

I don't buy it myself, I certainly wouldn't expect a woman I'm with to be happy with that setup.

Good God woman, what the hell are you still unsure about?! Three hundred fucking quid a time for a fancy handjob... If it was my husband he certainly wouldn't have any further ED problems, because he'd be wearing his balls as a necklace!