Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 20/08/2023 11:52

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 11:37

But then neither do the views of those advocating for silence on the part of the OP equate with the moral values of fraudsters, violent criminals, and for some reason I can’t fathom, gay people.

The point is that if it's ok to deceive your partner in this respect because it'd split up the family, is it ok to deceive them in other circumstances if it'd have the same result? Is holding the family unit together the most important thing of all? And yes I mentioned gay people, because some people, now, know that they're gay but continue in a relationship. There's been several threads about it on MN where women have been deceived in that respect by their partner and are devastated by learning that they've been deceived for years or decades. There might be very genuine reasons why it's extremely difficult for them to come out but does that make the continued deception ok? I don't think so personally but I'm curious to know where others draw the line. When is the truth more important than keeping the family unit together?

Ok you've asked a query of when should they tell the truth

Here is when I would advise to tell the truth with 1 or more of the following:

*If the ONS were a pattern
*If there were any other instances of any kind of infidelity
*If there were no DC
*If the relationship was fairly new
*If there were a high probability that DH would find out
*If the person who I was unfaithful with had mutual friends with DH, was a friend of DH, was a blabbermouth, did not have anything to lose by bragging about it..........
*If the OP had no remorse for what she'd done
*If the OP was unhappy in her marriage

These are just the top of my head. If the OP had mentioned any of the above, I would advise her to tell her DH

So as you can see, I don't have a fixed view on this.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 11:56

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 11:47

I can’t think of one single couple that I know who have been together 40+ years who haven’t lied or kept a secret about something or other. Including ONS’s.

I'm a heterosexual woman but I've always vowed to avoid marriage and decided never to get into another LTR and clearly I'm right to do so if so many people have such little regard and respect for their partners. It makes me wonder how many truly content marriages there are out there, that aren't resting on a bed of lies and deception.

But we’re not talking about a LTR, we’re talking about a ONS. Instantly regretted and hopefully never to be repeated. Doesn’t involve planned deception to cover it up, doesn’t even need to be mentioned if the lesson has been learned. There was a valid point made a while back. The OP can’t run away from herself. She has to face what she’s done and live with it every day. I can’t think of a worse punishment than having to live with the guilt of having had such low standards, however fleeting or ill judged they may have been. But I don’t see why that punishment should be inflicted on the innocent parties for no other reason than the relentless pursuit of the truth.

StarlightLady · 20/08/2023 11:56

@5128gap - Thank you. 🌻

5128gap · 20/08/2023 11:58

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 11:37

But then neither do the views of those advocating for silence on the part of the OP equate with the moral values of fraudsters, violent criminals, and for some reason I can’t fathom, gay people.

The point is that if it's ok to deceive your partner in this respect because it'd split up the family, is it ok to deceive them in other circumstances if it'd have the same result? Is holding the family unit together the most important thing of all? And yes I mentioned gay people, because some people, now, know that they're gay but continue in a relationship. There's been several threads about it on MN where women have been deceived in that respect by their partner and are devastated by learning that they've been deceived for years or decades. There might be very genuine reasons why it's extremely difficult for them to come out but does that make the continued deception ok? I don't think so personally but I'm curious to know where others draw the line. When is the truth more important than keeping the family unit together?

And I'm curious to where you'd draw the line.
If the OP thought her husband would beat her, or if she came from a society where women's adultery was punishable by death, would you still say truth at all costs/she should have thought of that/he has a right not to live a lie?
I'd be very surprised if you would. Yet the only difference is in the consequences of the disclosure. You would (hopefully) think her beating or death was too high a price to pay for his right to know the truth.
There are some of us that think the loss of the family unit and harm to the children is too high a price to pay.
Thats nothing to do with inferior morality, merely a difference in the respective value we give to children's wellbeing and hudbands rights.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 12:03

5128gap · 20/08/2023 11:58

And I'm curious to where you'd draw the line.
If the OP thought her husband would beat her, or if she came from a society where women's adultery was punishable by death, would you still say truth at all costs/she should have thought of that/he has a right not to live a lie?
I'd be very surprised if you would. Yet the only difference is in the consequences of the disclosure. You would (hopefully) think her beating or death was too high a price to pay for his right to know the truth.
There are some of us that think the loss of the family unit and harm to the children is too high a price to pay.
Thats nothing to do with inferior morality, merely a difference in the respective value we give to children's wellbeing and hudbands rights.

Show quote history

I’d also like to know what this poster would do if one of her own family, or even a close friend was to confess infidelity to her. It was asked upthread somewhere but the answer wasn’t clear as to the course of action she’d take.

Pipsquiggle · 20/08/2023 12:04

5128gap · 20/08/2023 11:58

And I'm curious to where you'd draw the line.
If the OP thought her husband would beat her, or if she came from a society where women's adultery was punishable by death, would you still say truth at all costs/she should have thought of that/he has a right not to live a lie?
I'd be very surprised if you would. Yet the only difference is in the consequences of the disclosure. You would (hopefully) think her beating or death was too high a price to pay for his right to know the truth.
There are some of us that think the loss of the family unit and harm to the children is too high a price to pay.
Thats nothing to do with inferior morality, merely a difference in the respective value we give to children's wellbeing and hudbands rights.

Show quote history

@5128gap nailed it again.

I wish I had your prose skills

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:07

5128gap · 20/08/2023 11:58

And I'm curious to where you'd draw the line.
If the OP thought her husband would beat her, or if she came from a society where women's adultery was punishable by death, would you still say truth at all costs/she should have thought of that/he has a right not to live a lie?
I'd be very surprised if you would. Yet the only difference is in the consequences of the disclosure. You would (hopefully) think her beating or death was too high a price to pay for his right to know the truth.
There are some of us that think the loss of the family unit and harm to the children is too high a price to pay.
Thats nothing to do with inferior morality, merely a difference in the respective value we give to children's wellbeing and hudbands rights.

Show quote history

What husbands rights are you referring to here?

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 12:08

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 11:37

But then neither do the views of those advocating for silence on the part of the OP equate with the moral values of fraudsters, violent criminals, and for some reason I can’t fathom, gay people.

The point is that if it's ok to deceive your partner in this respect because it'd split up the family, is it ok to deceive them in other circumstances if it'd have the same result? Is holding the family unit together the most important thing of all? And yes I mentioned gay people, because some people, now, know that they're gay but continue in a relationship. There's been several threads about it on MN where women have been deceived in that respect by their partner and are devastated by learning that they've been deceived for years or decades. There might be very genuine reasons why it's extremely difficult for them to come out but does that make the continued deception ok? I don't think so personally but I'm curious to know where others draw the line. When is the truth more important than keeping the family unit together?

No, the point was you equated that view with some pretty insulting examples of immorality. Your post hasn’t in any way addressed the quote you’ve highlighted and yet you took issue with a poster because you perceived the comment about Afghanistan as a veiled insult to yourself.

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 12:10

@5128gap I appreciate that you actually answered my question so thank you for that. No I wouldn't advocate someone dying for the truth, though I'd advise her to leave if at all possible but in the UK in 2023 with a regular loving partner, then yes, I think they're owed the truth. Consent is such a fundamental right to me that it would literally have to be a life threatening situation before I could advocate withholding it from my partner and removing their right to choose as the least worst option. For me, holding the family unit together based on deception, in no way trumps that but then I don't think divorce though undoubtedly painful, is all that terrible.

5128gap · 20/08/2023 12:10

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:07

What husbands rights are you referring to here?

Show quote history

His right to know his wife has had a ONS. The one we're discussing on the thread.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 12:10

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:07

What husbands rights are you referring to here?

Show quote history

The right not to be burdened with his partners’ guilt so that she can salve her conscience I would think

Bouledeneige · 20/08/2023 12:15

I'm also curious about people taking an absolute line that one must never ever lie. Yet most of us in everyday life use white lies to avoid hurting the feelings of others. We are prepared to moderate our commitment to honesty for the purpose of a greater good - kindness and maintaining relationships. Whilst offloading to clear your conscience might give sone instant relief to the confessor you have to know that the instant that truth leaves your mouth you have destroyed the peace of mind of the receiver.

But of course what this thread shows is we all have different tolerances for the truth and knowing everything. As I've made clear as someone who ended a marriage because of my husbands infidelity I know the absolute turmoil caused by the knowledge of his betrayal. In many ways it was ruined my life and still haunts my life and my children's lives 16 years later. I do honestly believe though that if he had had a meaningless one night stand as a one off and truly regretted it I didn't need to know.

But in the end we are all different and we have our own morality and conscience to live by.

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:16

5128gap · 20/08/2023 12:10

His right to know his wife has had a ONS. The one we're discussing on the thread.

Show quote history

Yes, a husband has every right to know and should be told. Really don't know how not doing so can be justified for some sort od greater good. Turn the tables and it's the old ducks in a row time chestnut.

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 12:16

Just to add that I think if you have an abusive partner then you don't owe them shit but please get out of there if possible. Otherwise I am referring to a normal relatively healthy relationship.

Rollonsept · 20/08/2023 12:25

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 21:22

Be honest and decent

It’s rigid thinking to apply this to every misdemeanour in a marriage. And I find a lot of the posters (baying for op to “tell all”) rather sanctimonious.
Who are you to decide her punishment? And yes it would punish her dc. Telling the truth isn’t always the “decent” thing, particularly in a long stable marriage with children.

For the posters claiming these high moral standards, it’s ironic that you think the decent thing is pages full of bitter anger and abuse directed at the op-she’s been told numerous times what a “shit person” she is.

It’s almost certain confessing would destroy the marriage.
I wouldn’t judge a man or woman’s decision to keep quiet and live with the guilt of a one off drunken shag.

Absolutely. Ite not a punishment for OP it would be a relief but ultimately her husband will have a life long of pain. Not everyone wants to know their husband is cheating many many women are happy to turn a blind eye and that's constant shagging around not just a random ONS.

5128gap · 20/08/2023 12:29

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:16

Yes, a husband has every right to know and should be told. Really don't know how not doing so can be justified for some sort od greater good. Turn the tables and it's the old ducks in a row time chestnut.

Show quote history

Of course you don't understand. If I were a man used to thinking of my rights as absolute priority, including over my children's wellbeing, I probably wouldn't understand either.

crosstheriver · 20/08/2023 12:35

Your husband has a right to know. You're going to have to tell him.

My question to you is why did you do it? If you were in a happy marriage with a great guy and everything was great, you wouldn't have slept with someone else just because you found him attractive.

Nothing justifies cheating, but it can be helpful to understand why the cheating happened. It could be that your marriage is worth fighting for or it could be that this happened because you knew your marriage was already dead.

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:39

5128gap · 20/08/2023 12:29

Of course you don't understand. If I were a man used to thinking of my rights as absolute priority, including over my children's wellbeing, I probably wouldn't understand either.

Show quote history

I hope your partner, if you have one, has better values than you. You should take another read through this thread and the consnensus of what doing the right thing is, which is what the poster was asking for. Have a nice day.

Pipsquiggle · 20/08/2023 12:39

crosstheriver · 20/08/2023 12:35

Your husband has a right to know. You're going to have to tell him.

My question to you is why did you do it? If you were in a happy marriage with a great guy and everything was great, you wouldn't have slept with someone else just because you found him attractive.

Nothing justifies cheating, but it can be helpful to understand why the cheating happened. It could be that your marriage is worth fighting for or it could be that this happened because you knew your marriage was already dead.

No she doesn't have to tell him

5128gap · 20/08/2023 12:45

Spanky123 · 20/08/2023 12:39

I hope your partner, if you have one, has better values than you. You should take another read through this thread and the consnensus of what doing the right thing is, which is what the poster was asking for. Have a nice day.

Show quote history

The only part of that which makes the slightest sense in the context of the discussion we're having and my contribution to it, is your wish for me to have a nice day. So, thanks mate. You too!

Eleganz · 20/08/2023 13:06

Rollonsept · 20/08/2023 12:25

Absolutely. Ite not a punishment for OP it would be a relief but ultimately her husband will have a life long of pain. Not everyone wants to know their husband is cheating many many women are happy to turn a blind eye and that's constant shagging around not just a random ONS.

Show quote history

"Life long pain"? My ex cheated on me and I had to find out by myself, went through a shitty divorce and had a few difficult years but I am not in life long pain, I have moved on. If the choices were for me to go what I've gone though or be with someone who was cheating on me behind my back I'd pick my life every time.

Turning a blind eye is an active decision based on knowledge. You can't turn a blind eye to something that you have no knowledge of.

Wouldyouguess · 20/08/2023 14:23

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 10:07

You seem to be confusing the word mistake and accident.

Having sex with someone else isn't an accident, but it can absolutely be a choice made on the spur of the moment, especially when drink or drugs are involved that is instantly regretted and therefore a mistake.

Show quote history

Sorry but OP planned ot for a long time, which is very clear from her OP,and now is probably scared the third woman who left may say something and is crapping her pants. So a deliberate 'mistake' like that is not really a mistake. She wanted to be brutally told for a young guy to f* her and now needs to face the music.
I really hope the husband finds out one way or another and can move on with someone else.

BIossomtoes · 20/08/2023 14:35

Sorry but OP planned ot for a long time, which is very clear from her OP

You read a different OP to me.

Rollonsept · 20/08/2023 15:43

@Eleganz respectfully your experience isn't everyone's. Just because you met someone else that's your experience. Turning a blind eye means you are aware of a situation that's the whole point of the saying. Did I miss where you said you had children like OP to consider?! How did your children cope?

GLORIAGloriarse · 20/08/2023 16:57

Doesn't really answer my point about how all of this is balanced against the disruption and hurt that would most likely result from confessing and calculated as being more important in the context of a long and happy marriage with kids other than 'it just doesn't'. If it is simply a personal threshold then fine but accept that's all it is and lay off with the moralising and absolutes.

In terms of what I would advise a poster to be honest about. This probably aligns with the PP's. Most circumstances in fact. A deeply regretted drunken one off shag in a long relationship with someone you will never contact again or vice versa is probably the only potential exception in a reasonably normal marriage.

Some circs where I would advise telling include:

a shorter relationship- a 'mistake' happening in the first few years doesn't show a lapse in judgement to me, it shows an incompatibility or unsuitability of the cheater to be in a relationship at that time.

A pattern of cheating, anything more than a one off really, whether with the same person or others

Pre meditation (this is partly why I wanted to know the OP's motivations more)

Feelings for the OM or OW

The chance it could be reported back to the spouse/ partner. I don't expect this one will be. The OM is far more likely to lose his fiancee and I would expect many sisters to keep a secret like this.

A less-than solid relationship where this is likely to be a symptom than an out of character choice.

Lack of remorse

If the partner has explicitly said they would always wish to know in such a situation. I know many feel this would be implicit but actually I think there are a lot of instances where the cheated-on partner is left thinking 'if it was a one off and you'll never see the person again then why the hell did you tell me? I can't stay with you knowing but things would have been fine if you'd just not done it again and moved on'

If the partner asks outright. I see both sides of tell/ don't tell, but lying and gas lighting is always wrong.

There will be more but the point is that this is not an absolute matter of telling/not telling is the only correct course of action.