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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/08/2023 11:03

Pinkdelight3 · 19/08/2023 10:50

Either way, get an STI test for fucks sake.

She said it was safe sex so presume that's not the concern.

There's no such thing as 100% safe sex.

OP did a very stupid thing, and now she has to deal with the consequences. If she plans to keep her husband in the dark, then the very least she can do is make sure there's absolutely no chance she'll pass anything on to him.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/08/2023 11:05

So, in most people's opinion on this thread, cheaters should just keep their mouths shut and 'live with the guilt' since it's all just a mistake.

It's betrayal. And OP hasn't even kept her mouth shut.

HelpMeGetThrough · 19/08/2023 11:08

My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

Until one day you do something that upsets her and she opens her mouth for you.

Once someone knows, these things have a habit of coming out, when you least expect it.

blossom2231 · 19/08/2023 11:08

Don't tell him. If there's no way he'll ever find out, keep it that way. Ignorance is bliss and it will ruin your relationship. It will never be the same again. I've been cheated on, and I wish I never knew.
The guilt you will feel is the price you have to pay, and the punishment you have to take.
I think you are being selfish by telling him
And potentially ruining your family. I think you want a clear conscience to live with what you've done.
If it's just a one off and you are sure you will never chase again, do not ruin what you have to feel better about yourself.
You've messed up, you live with the guilt. Don't drag everyone else down with you.

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 11:10

readbooksdrinktea · 19/08/2023 11:05

So, in most people's opinion on this thread, cheaters should just keep their mouths shut and 'live with the guilt' since it's all just a mistake.

It's betrayal. And OP hasn't even kept her mouth shut.

Yes- as a one off mistake in a 15 year marriage when it’s bitterly regretted.

Op is well aware it’s a betrayal.
I would trust my sister and confide in her too.

Rockandrollfangirl · 19/08/2023 11:10

I'd be keeping my mouth firmly shut.

BedisBliss · 19/08/2023 11:11

always2323 · 19/08/2023 10:39

Admitting to cheating on here will don nothing for you.

If you're sure he won't say anything then live with the guilt and keep your mouth shut.

People on here will tell you "DH deserves the truth even if it hurts him" but we all know that it's never that straightforward you're certainly not the first person to do it not will you be the last. Learn from your mistakes.
It will be devastating for him if he finds out. But that's if.

If my fella had a one night stand that meant nothing id rather him not tell me because what I don't know doesn't hurt.

Agree - nothing to be gained from telling him except heartache and a divorce. You have to live with the guilt you are clearly feeling and that's punishment enough.

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 11:14

There are some really scummy people in here saying keep it a secret (for whatever reason!) and move on...

Tipsy is not an excuse. You shouldn't be in a situation like that in the first place (alone with a guy, in a room with alcohol).

If it can happen, it was wanted, and the feelings for your partner weren't what they should be.

Confess and let him find someone good.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 19/08/2023 11:17

You've already unburdened yourself to your sister. Let that be the end of it. Telling your DH would be for your benefit, not his. You want him to shout at you, tell you what a selfish bitch you were, that he feels betrayed, but then forgives you? Not going to happen. Learn from it, determine never to do it again, move on - but keep your mouth shut. This is your punishment, that you have to live with the guilt. Telling him will not serve the purpose of taking away the guilt.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/08/2023 11:20

Why would you want to relieve your guilt pangs at the expense of someone else's happiness? Possibly risking breaking your family up and leaving the DC without a dad? What you did was a one-off mistake, not a full blown affair. Learn from this mistake and don't do it again.

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 11:21

Jesus, I've been counting, and it's 3:1 in favour of don't tell!

So moral of the story, if you feel guilty, keep it quiet. You're only a bad person if you're a MAN and you cheat.

K8ate · 19/08/2023 11:22

The only fair thing to do is to give your dh a ‘free pass’ in this situation.

Fireandflames666 · 19/08/2023 11:22

I'm sorry but your husband deserves to know so he can make a choice, it's not your choice anymore.

76evie · 19/08/2023 11:27

Don’t tell him and certainly don’t tell him to ease your guilt. There is nothing positive to be gained from telling him, you will bring him pain and possibly destroy your family.

Live with the guilt, in a way that is your punishment.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/08/2023 11:28

I wouldn't have told my sister and I wouldn't tell anyone at all. I'd hope to learn from it and stop drinking so much. I also wouldn't have any contact with that guy at all.

BMW6 · 19/08/2023 11:30

How would you feel if it was your DH who had done what you have?

Would you rather not know or would you want to make an informed decision?

If you don't tell him and he finds out (likely) how do you think he'd feel?

Poivresel · 19/08/2023 11:31

BMW6 · 19/08/2023 11:30

How would you feel if it was your DH who had done what you have?

Would you rather not know or would you want to make an informed decision?

If you don't tell him and he finds out (likely) how do you think he'd feel?

How will he find out?
It's not likely at all.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 11:35

Amazed at the amount of people who seem to think not confessing is the best option.

the relationship is now no longer what it was. Keeping such a huge lie means the relationship is a lie. I don’t understand how so many people could live with that kind of inauthenticity out of fear. There’s no true intimacy when you’re keeping a lie as big as that.

I also couldn’t cheat on someone I truly loved. OP could easily removed herself from that situation. It was’t a ‘mistake’. She didn’t fall on his dick by accident.

the OM also had a fiancée. Who’s to say he won’t confess to her and she tells OP’s DH?

Jl2014 · 19/08/2023 11:36

Probably going against the grain here. Cut contact with the guy. Do not get yourself into a situation like this again. Keep you mouth shut. Sharing this will 100% destroy your marriage.

not saying you shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself tho.

SwordBilledHummingbird · 19/08/2023 11:36

76evie · 19/08/2023 11:27

Don’t tell him and certainly don’t tell him to ease your guilt. There is nothing positive to be gained from telling him, you will bring him pain and possibly destroy your family.

Live with the guilt, in a way that is your punishment.

I agree with this.

Otterhound · 19/08/2023 11:37

Generally cheating the 2nd 3rd 4th time etc is far easier than the 1st so OP if you managed to give the a guy and bj and shag him because you were alone with a bottle of wine chances are it will happen again at some point…
best tell him

FAAFO · 19/08/2023 11:38

You said you had "safe sex".
Where did the condoms come from? Either one of you came equipped to cheat, or you would have been aware enough to go and find some. So the tipsy thing isn't cutting it.

If he brought them he knew he had a chance with you, so I'm guessing there had been some heavy flirting bare minimum before you drunkenly slipped and broke your fall by landing mouth first onto his dick.

You well may be devastated by your mistake but the fact your sister knows means your husband could find out anyway, so I think you need to tell him before someone else does.

Your course mate could also be feeling guilty and tell his wife to be, and she could contact your husband.
I hope for your children's sake DH can work through this with you.

TheDogthatDug · 19/08/2023 11:41

Keep schtum, forget about it and get on with your life. No good will come of coming clean. It was a one off mistake.

NewYorkFirstTimer · 19/08/2023 11:41

I couldn't live this lie

Stravaig · 19/08/2023 11:42

My view is that a relationship always needs informed consent. At the moment your DH does not have honest, accurate information about his marriage to you. From the moment you cheated any meaningful consent was void.

DH needs to know, so that he can make an informed choice about whether or not to continue his marriage with you.

Those who would keep it secret do not love or respect their partners. No, they deceive them and remove their agency. It is coercive.

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