Page 23 | I’ve done a terrible thing

Miserablemondsy · 2023-08-19T09:22:16+00:00

Hi, i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13 for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel. on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room. the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me. We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex) the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦♂️ i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 23:35

Lying is immoral

Theres an interesting book “Lying” by Sam Harris which I’d recommend. It explores the belief that all lying is immoral with some interesting scenarios.

One might be as mentioned- would you make it your moral calling to tell a man his wife had cheated if she confided in you?

Its not always in other’s best interests to be a slave to the truth at any cost.

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 23:37

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 23:25

If she was making a habit of it, I’d agree with you, but from her post it seems it’s never happened before and she’s genuinely horrified by what she’s done.

Show quote history

At least with a habit, there is a pattern to look out for. Completely out of the blue like this...I'd never be able to trust that other flagrant disregards of the marriage wouldn't happen again, completely out of the blue.

When I discovered my ex wife's infidelity, I met with a lawer and filed for divorce the same day. I was surprisingly not angry with her, but at the same time, she was just not worth the anguish and effort to try and rebuild trust when there are countless other women out there to build a relationship with.

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 23:42

I cant believe everyone telling OP to keep it secret 🙄
OP if you keep this a secret the guilt will eat you alive, every time you are with your husband, when you look at him
you will know that you have cheated
please for your sake and his, tell the truth and let him decide what he wants to do , do not live a lie

Rainbowx90 · 19/08/2023 23:44

This is outrageous the amount of people saying to keep it quiet.
How would you all feel if your partners did it and kept it a secret?
You need to tell him, and soon.
You need to be responsible for your actions. How you could live with yourself knowing you did that is beyond me.

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 23:49

@CleverLilViper evidence that showing ankle was considered immoral in the past? I mean just read some history books….

@Rainbowx90 id want my partner not to tell me. I mes. The fucking headache of blowing your whole life up for a one night shag? It’s so welds you’d wAnt that

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 23:50

Rainbowx90 · 19/08/2023 23:44

This is outrageous the amount of people saying to keep it quiet.
How would you all feel if your partners did it and kept it a secret?
You need to tell him, and soon.
You need to be responsible for your actions. How you could live with yourself knowing you did that is beyond me.

The idea that some have that keeping it a secret is for the benefit of the kids, but when this is discovered, and it likely will be, not only has she set the example for her kids that it is ok to cheat, it's also ok to lie about it.

Short term, she may keep the wheels on a bit, but long term, she could be setting up the destruction of her relationship with her kids.

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 23:51

Woah. Typos.

i mean

it’s so weird

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 23:53

Short term, she may keep the wheels on a bit, but long term, she could be setting up the destruction of her relationship with her kids

oh give over. You’d stop loving your mum because she had a one night stand? Also who the fuck would involve their kids in these situations

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 23:59

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 22:57

A lie by omission is still a lie. She's allowing him to believe that she's faithful and trustworthy when she isn't. How is that not a lie?

Also, if someone is reckless enough to firstly put themselves in that situation where cheating can occur-OP admits she found him attractive before the whole thing happened and they were getting closer-and then to follow through-and then they face no consequences for their actions-they may feel like they got away with it and do it again.

Again, this argument doesn't make a lick of logical sense. So, because the OP had a ONS that supposedly won't ever happen again (it may or may not-who knows?) and she allegedly feels terrible about (who knows?) she should keep quiet and avoid ruining her family by telling them. The act of cheating is what would ruin the family. Not the act of telling them. She's already done it. She's already thrown the hand grenade in and let it explode. It's just a matter of him finding out.

But if it happens more than once and is classed as an affair, she should end the marriage and ruin the family-causing the same amount of damage either way.

What's the difference between the two? I know the difference between a ONS and full-blown affair- but why is one acceptable for her to lie and hide it and the other not when the consequences of telling in both is exactly the same?

How many fucks is too many fucks? That's what I'm trying to say. So how many times is OP allowed to cheat before she should stump up and be honest? 1? 2? 3?

The way some of you write is as if you'd like to live your lives, oblivious to who you're living with because it's more comfortable and convenient for you. Or maybe you all (general you-not directed at you @Dolores87) like keeping your partners in the dark about who you really are. I don't know.

I couldn't live my life like that. Then again-I wouldn't do as OP did.

Show quote history

I guess I don't see "a lie by omission" as you call it true lying. I mean I think it is terrible but the situation is terrible but I dont think is the same as outright lying and gaslighting someone. I would be far more upset with someone outright lying to my face then them just not telling me something ive never asked about. There are 2 kids in this situation. Those kids dont deserve to have their worlds imploded to punish their mother for doing a shit thing. Why press that button and set off the explosion. In your hand grenade analogy i disagree. She's already thrown the grenade but it hasn't yet exploded and may never do.

I disagree there are no consequences. She feels disgusted with her self and horrendous. There is no indication here that she will ever do this again. She isn't conducting an affair and therefore putting her partner at regular sexual risk and outright lying and likely gaslighting him about her whereabouts. She hasn't cheated multiple times showing that she should leave her partner because she's clearly not happy in the relationship anyway if that was the case. It was a terrible thing she did but she deeply regrets it and is going to have to live with the guilt. I think its more nuanced then "how many fucks are two many fucks"

You are correct that in this situation i would rather live my life and I would rather my children live life oblivious so we can be comfortable and happy. I find cheating awful, i would never cheat and I would never forgive my OH if i found out he had and i struggle to let things go so id be distressed and crying about it for likely years so if he confessed a drunken one night stand my whole life would be collapsed all over him making a poor decision when intoxicated that, taking OP at her word, he deeply regretted. What would be the point in that? Why would i prefer for my life to be made miserable in that way all in the name of punishment. I wouldn't feel any better about it because he had done what others think is the "honourable decent thing", what is honourable and decent about it? Honour and decency went out of the window in that hotel room. Now its damage control and those kids should be the priority and having they family collapse is not in their best interest imo.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 00:05

5128gap · 19/08/2023 23:07

No @CleverLilViper to use your analogy, she may have thrown in the hand grenade, but it hasn't yet exploded. She now has two choices, do nothing and hope it never explodes, or pull out the pin and she and her family all go up together.
Some posters in their thirst to see the OP self destruct as 'punishment' seem happy to watch the innocent people go with her. Others feel this is too great a price.

This!

SmileyClare · 20/08/2023 00:10

How could you live with yourself knowing you did that

Come on. There’s (presumably) a distressed person behind this thread. Have some empathy and tact.

justanotherparrot · 20/08/2023 00:15

Take your sister's advice..100%.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 20/08/2023 00:23

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 23:50

The idea that some have that keeping it a secret is for the benefit of the kids, but when this is discovered, and it likely will be, not only has she set the example for her kids that it is ok to cheat, it's also ok to lie about it.

Short term, she may keep the wheels on a bit, but long term, she could be setting up the destruction of her relationship with her kids.

Show quote history

I wouldn't feel any sort of way because if they kept it a secret I wouldn't know - that's the whole point

samyeagar · 20/08/2023 00:34

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 23:53

Short term, she may keep the wheels on a bit, but long term, she could be setting up the destruction of her relationship with her kids

oh give over. You’d stop loving your mum because she had a one night stand? Also who the fuck would involve their kids in these situations

The kids are already involved. Wouldn't be the one night stand, it be the wrecking of the marriage, and what it would do to their father.

These types of things destroy relationships, even between parents and children. Happens all the time.

BIossomtoes · 20/08/2023 00:35

The marriage won’t be wrecked if she keeps quiet.

samyeagar · 20/08/2023 00:40

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 20/08/2023 00:23

I wouldn't feel any sort of way because if they kept it a secret I wouldn't know - that's the whole point

Show quote history

Theese kinds of things are only secret until they aren't. The longer this goes, the less control she has.

Coming clean now at least gives her the chance to control the narrative, and agency in how this unfolds without it being further complicated by secrecy.

thisisyourwife · 20/08/2023 01:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stravaig · 20/08/2023 06:59

You might find the reply here helpful, OP.
Excerpt below.

Caulifloweristraditional · 20/08/2023 07:27

The morality police are truly in full force on this post and it's astounding! I would be interested to find out whether any of you have ever made a mistake that you truly regret and that has eaten you up inside? Infidelity on paper is inherently wrong but every situation depends on individual circumstances and is certainly not the black and white situation that many on this post seem to view it as.

What the OP has done was dishonest and she has disrespected her husband and wedding vows; by the tone of her post she recognises this and feels absolutely horrendous! But should she open her mouth, turn her children's world upside-down at extremely vulnerable ages, potentially ruin a long marriage and her husband's trust? In my opinion no. Married men would almost always stay quiet about a one off drunken indiscretion. The other guy in this situation will almost certainly not tell his fiancée. If my OH got drunk and messed up once, I would honestly prefer to be none the wiser if it was truly a one-off as I love my life the way it is. The children must always come first, do you really think it's fair to ruin their family unit and sense of security?

OP, you feel guilty and have confided in your sister. Hopefully she will never betray you and start blabbing to others, even if you fall out as she is your sister. But ensure that this incident is never to be repeated and work on your marriage and the reasons why you acted in this way. Please check yourself for STI's and seek some therapy.

GLORIAGloriarse · 20/08/2023 08:07

I see both sides of the 'keep quiet, it was a one off and is unlikely to surface'/ 'tell the truth argument'.

Out of interest:

I would have been interested for the OP to reply to my question about what drove her to do this but understand that there are a lot.of post.

For those in the 'tell him' camp, what would be the benefits of this to the partner, kids and OP beyond 'he will know the truth and can decide whether he wants to be with a cheat'. Ok, that's a moral point but what would be the material benefit for him over the OP taking her guilt as punishment, family life rumbling on as normal, not seeing the OM again and hopefully never doing this again?

In the absence of clarification from OP that is assuming genuine regret and this being a one off rather than a pattern based on looking for kicks.

Not coming down on either side and am very anti-infidelity, I just genuinely would like to see people's rationale in this instance where there are children, a long history etc, beyond just 'honesty is the best policy morality'.

StarlightLady · 20/08/2023 08:08

It may not have been your smartest move, but we are all human.

To avoid hurt l would not tell anyone (else) and move on in life and with your husband. There is no benefit in telling him or leaving him because of one mistake.

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 08:17

For those in the 'tell him' camp, what would be the benefits of this to the partner, kids and OP beyond 'he will know the truth and can decide whether he wants to be with a cheat'. Ok, that's a moral point but what would be the material benefit for him over the OP taking her guilt as punishment, family life rumbling on as normal, not seeing the OM again and hopefully never doing this again?

You say that as though having the right to make an informed choice is some small thing. You really don't think that there's a benefit in knowing the truth about your partner and being able to decide if you want to continue the relationship and work on it if he wants to stay or find another partner if he wants to move on rather than waste another decade of his life or more of his life when it's likely to be discovered later. What are the benefits of being forced into continuing a relationship based on a lie? What right does anyone, let alone the cheating party, have to make that decision for him?

TooBrightInHere · 20/08/2023 08:19

If you were my husband I'd want you to keep this secret for ever. If you can't do that, then tell me now. Don't let me live a lie and find out about it too late to make choices. Ignorance is bliss. Deception is cruel

readbooksdrinktea · 20/08/2023 08:22

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 08:17

For those in the 'tell him' camp, what would be the benefits of this to the partner, kids and OP beyond 'he will know the truth and can decide whether he wants to be with a cheat'. Ok, that's a moral point but what would be the material benefit for him over the OP taking her guilt as punishment, family life rumbling on as normal, not seeing the OM again and hopefully never doing this again?

You say that as though having the right to make an informed choice is some small thing. You really don't think that there's a benefit in knowing the truth about your partner and being able to decide if you want to continue the relationship and work on it if he wants to stay or find another partner if he wants to move on rather than waste another decade of his life or more of his life when it's likely to be discovered later. What are the benefits of being forced into continuing a relationship based on a lie? What right does anyone, let alone the cheating party, have to make that decision for him?

Exactly! But apparently that's a pompous and sanctimonious view on here.

IHateWasps · 20/08/2023 08:26

To avoid hurt l would not tell anyone (else) and move on in life and with your husband. There is no benefit in telling him or leaving him because of one mistake

Fucking someone else is not a mistake.

I don't know what's more offensive. That so many people keep referring to an active choice as a mistake or that so many people actively advocate lying to their partner even though that lie means that he's unable to consent to continuing a relationship where his partner cheated on him and may spend decades of his life forced into a situation that he may not have chosen if his partner had shown him some basic respect. I wonder in what other situations consent means so little to you all? That so many people think that he doesn't deserve the right to choose is disturbing.