I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

Unlawful or not, the point is not the act itself but deliberately withholding important information that the partner should have access to and which may or may not change where the relationship goes from that point onwards.

But that’s not what you said is it ? You said ‘I'm getting the impression that some would excuse just about anything,’ thus aligning their morals with those of the fraudsters and violent criminals you introduced into the same conversation.

This is MN, and in the real world how many people do we know who would confess to a ONS out of a sense of respect and decency to the very partner they’ve just completely disrespected by cheating on them ? Cheating partners mainly confess because they can no longer bear the guilt and confession eases their conscience. That’s the reality. And the lives of everyone involved are ruined as a result.

The mindless pursuit of truth and decency doesn’t always lead to the best outcome. The OP is clearly remorseful and has learned what’s important in her life the hard way. If she says nothing she will protect her family from the devastating fall out of what she’s done. The price she’ll pay for that is the guilt she’ll carry for the rest of her life, and to commit to her marriage as a faithful partner from now on, she has to face and be honest with the one person in her life she can’t hide the truth from, herself.

I'm not sure why you're conflating an ongoing state (being gay) that is incompatible with a heterosexual marriage, or a pattern of violent or dishonest behaviour with a one off mistake. Yes, mistake, from what we know. Carried out with the OP's volition but much regretted and it's fully possible, never to be repeated. Agree with a PP who points out the difference between a mistake and an accident. A mistake can carry responsibility in the same way slipping on a banana skin might not, but doesn't necessarily infer a pattern is to begin.

That's actually the point you make that I see the most weight in, hence asking the OP for more details of why this happened and whether she was happy in the marriage- that this could be the start of a pattern.

And what of the damage to the husband's home and family life and the childrens'? Again, not saying you're wrong, it is just easy to say 'truth at any price' and bring in some lurid examples about violence and fraud. I would just be very interested to see the workings out of the 'truth at any price' response.

I don't think there is one post who is condoning what OP has done.

The people who are saying 'don't tell him' are looking at the bigger picture and the damage that could be done to the family - for the whole of their lives.

If there is little to no chance of her DH ever finding out, and they have an otherwise strong marriage; I really would not tell him.

No, not at all. Either partner can be a contributory factor to the others’ unhappiness. In this case the posters’ comments give some insight, that’s all. I love MN - ignore the issue at hand and throw ill thought out shit at others.😂

As far as I can see, there are no real workings out for the ‘truth at any price’ argument. In almost every post I’ve seen it comes from a place of moral high ground, a profound self righteousness and an intense need to see the OP confess and be punished, with absolutely no regard for the collateral damage caused as a result. The OP has learned the hard way what is most important in her life and what is not. She can’t hide from herself and if she’s to keep quiet to save her marriage, the price is the guilt she’ll feel every day - but even that isn’t enough for some. The truth is paramount, no matter what the cost.

Victorian attitudes? It’s more like Afghanistan!

😂😂😂

Victorian attitudes? It’s more like Afghanistan!

That's really fucking funny considering the current treatment of women by the Taliban, which is a long way from being a joke, no matter how fucking hilarious you both seem to find their abuse.

Who knew that having consideration and respect for your partner, the basic foundation of marriage or a relationship ,one would think, makes you equivalent to a murderous, misogynistic, despotic regime?

It's nothing to do with punishing the OP either but she owes her partner respect and consideration. I can't think of anything more disrespectful than withholding that knowledge from her partner. It removes all choice and all consent and disregards his possible wishes. It's as big a fuck you as you can get. It says it doesn't matter what you think or what you'd choose. I don't care. I'm the only one who matter and this relationship is continuing whether you like it or not.

The posters aren't laughing at the abuse of women.
They are drawing a parallel with the type of intolerance, inabity to see nuance, unshakeable conviction that one's own idea of morality is the only right thinking, and desire to impose it on others shown on this thread, and the thinking underpinning the situation in Afghanistan.

I can’t think of one single couple that I know who have been together 40+ years who haven’t lied or kept a secret about something or other. Including ONS’s.

Divorce and property prices would go through the roof and children’s emotional health would plummet if everyone suddenly started to tell the absolute truth in a relationship.

I think that those saying that everyone should tell the other person in a relationship the truth are not looking at the bigger picture

Can you not see the difference between something that happened just one time and something that continues over me months or years.

If op and this guy decided that it wasn’t just a ONS then I think the truth should be told but a ONS that she instantly regretted, maybe look as to why it happened and never put herself in that position again and move on.

Sometimes the truth can do more harm than good

@5128gap you've nailed it!

Also the incomprehension from the puritan posters that the advice might change if the circumstances were different - it blows their minds!

Everyone knows what’s happening in Afghanistan is no joke - very far from it - but then neither are some of the extreme and insulting comments thrown about here, and I’d have bet the farm on you taking offence.

And you’re one to talk. You’ve been passing out moral judgement for some time now. Of course having consideration and respect for your partner and your relationship doesn’t equate you with a murderous, misogynistic, despotic regime. But then neither do the views of those advocating for silence on the part of the OP equate with the moral values of fraudsters, violent criminals, and for some reason I can’t fathom, gay people.

Free speech - the right to an opinion and the freedom to express it regardless of whether others agree - doesn’t exist in Afghanistan and it’s under threat in the UK. Some would say also on MN. I may not agree with what you say, but I’d definitely defend your right to say it, and I certainly wouldn’t try to align your morals with that of violent criminals for expressing an opinion. The only thing I would say is don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

Nailed it. 👏👏👏

The Taliban is not a joke. Even using it in that context is disgusting. It is in no way comparable to someone thinking that one's partner is owed respect and honesty. It's not even in the same ballpark and that they think it's at all relatable says almost as much as condoning deceiving your partner for the rest of their married life.

Don’t tell him if it was a mistake and you’ll never do it again. You’ll wreck your life, your kids and your husbands. Punishment is living with the guilt.

But then neither do the views of those advocating for silence on the part of the OP equate with the moral values of fraudsters, violent criminals, and for some reason I can’t fathom, gay people.

The point is that if it's ok to deceive your partner in this respect because it'd split up the family, is it ok to deceive them in other circumstances if it'd have the same result? Is holding the family unit together the most important thing of all? And yes I mentioned gay people, because some people, now, know that they're gay but continue in a relationship. There's been several threads about it on MN where women have been deceived in that respect by their partner and are devastated by learning that they've been deceived for years or decades. There might be very genuine reasons why it's extremely difficult for them to come out but does that make the continued deception ok? I don't think so personally but I'm curious to know where others draw the line. When is the truth more important than keeping the family unit together?

And in the same way, the morals of violent criminals and fraudsters are in no way comparable to those of posters thinking that the OP should keep quiet for the sake of all concerned. Not even in the same ball park. And yet you had no hesitation in doing just that.

And dressing up the act of active deception, of removing the ability to consent from your partner as noble makes no sense to me whatsoever. People do it because they're selfish and it's easier and more convenient for them, because they'd have to deal with the fallout and don't want to, not out of martyrdom.

I'm curious to know where others draw the line. When is the truth more important than keeping the family unit together?

Asked and answered. There have been umpteen posts to this effect up and down the thread. But the views are at odds with your own, so you either ignore, insult or dismiss them. So it’s disingenuous to suggest that you’re curious because you’re very clearly only interested in those views which align with and validate your own.

And this post bears out what I’ve just said.

I can’t think of one single couple that I know who have been together 40+ years who haven’t lied or kept a secret about something or other. Including ONS’s.

I'm a heterosexual woman but I've always vowed to avoid marriage and decided never to get into another LTR and clearly I'm right to do so if so many people have such little regard and respect for their partners. It makes me wonder how many truly content marriages there are out there, that aren't resting on a bed of lies and deception.

Haven’t been back to the thread for a while. It’s taken quite an interesting turn hasn’t it ? And no sign of the OP. There’s a surprise.

Asked and answered. There have been umpteen posts to this effect up and down the thread.

I must have missed them because I can't remember many addressing when the balance tips and the truth becomes the priority but it's a long thread and I've clearly missed them.

And this post bears out what I’ve just said.

Well it's true. The OP seems to be most people's priority here. People might try to dress it up as being better for the husband even though it involves lying to him and deceiving him for the rest of his life while refusing to allow him a choice, but I'm not buying that it is better for him. It's just more convenient for the cheaters.