I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

I agree.

A ONS highlights how little a person feels towards their relationship/marriage if they're willing to risk it for one night of fun.

Both are equally bad-but the thought that my partner would risk what we have for one night of fun is...well, it's unforgivable and I'd absolutely want to know about it as it would absolutely change how I viewed him and our relationship and it would inform how I proceed in the relationship (re: out of the relationship).

I think OP's DH deserves that same respect and right. He needs to know that his wife is selfish, reckless and unfaithful and then he needs to be able to make a decision about how he handles that information.

That may or may not include leaving, but OP lost her right to a say in that the second she gave another man a BJ.

The fact you thought it was a good idea to drink in your hotel room with another man, gave him a BJ and then went onto have full sex...you knew exactly what you were doing. Disgusting. Your poor DH. If you don't tell him, I hope you spend the rest of your marriage feeling guilty at every happy event and looking over your shoulder.

It’s just very black and white thinking.

Would you honestly assassinate your daughter’s character if she tearfully confided in you that she’d cheated once on her LTR partner/ father of her dc and deeply regretted it? Urge her to end her marriage?

Yep, I don’t get the minimising of some unfaithful acts as less than others. It’s odd.

I’m mostly in the keep quiet camp although I can see it from both sides. I’ve been married for forty years, never cheated, have always been respectful of my partner and wouldn’t think of lying to him. Why do you constantly question the morals of random son the internet, about whom you know precisely nothing ?

A lie by omission is still a lie. She's allowing him to believe that she's faithful and trustworthy when she isn't. How is that not a lie?

Also, if someone is reckless enough to firstly put themselves in that situation where cheating can occur-OP admits she found him attractive before the whole thing happened and they were getting closer-and then to follow through-and then they face no consequences for their actions-they may feel like they got away with it and do it again.

Again, this argument doesn't make a lick of logical sense. So, because the OP had a ONS that supposedly won't ever happen again (it may or may not-who knows?) and she allegedly feels terrible about (who knows?) she should keep quiet and avoid ruining her family by telling them. The act of cheating is what would ruin the family. Not the act of telling them. She's already done it. She's already thrown the hand grenade in and let it explode. It's just a matter of him finding out.

But if it happens more than once and is classed as an affair, she should end the marriage and ruin the family-causing the same amount of damage either way.

What's the difference between the two? I know the difference between a ONS and full-blown affair- but why is one acceptable for her to lie and hide it and the other not when the consequences of telling in both is exactly the same?

How many fucks is too many fucks? That's what I'm trying to say. So how many times is OP allowed to cheat before she should stump up and be honest? 1? 2? 3?

The way some of you write is as if you'd like to live your lives, oblivious to who you're living with because it's more comfortable and convenient for you. Or maybe you all (general you-not directed at you @Dolores87) like keeping your partners in the dark about who you really are. I don't know.

I couldn't live my life like that. Then again-I wouldn't do as OP did.

Because you all consistently show a distinct lack of morals.

When people show a distinct lack of morals it's ok to question them. It's immoral to lie to people and lies by omission are still lies. It's also immoral to encourage and advise people to lie to their partners.

If you didn't all have such questionable moral standards, people wouldn't question them. We're never going to agree with each other-I don't respect your opinion so I will end this back and forth with you now.

When people show a distinct lack of morals it's ok to question them. It's immoral to lie to people and lies by omission are still lies. It's also immoral to encourage and advise people to lie to their partners

according to who? You? You do realise you are not the last word on the matter of morals. I find it so odd when people think their feelings are THE DEFINITIVE FEELINGS

It's a very black and white situation.

What grey area is there? Please tell me.

OP was attracted to this man who also has a fiancé before she was in this situation with him. She was then in a position where cheating was risky and remained in it. They then kissed, she gave him a BJ and they had full sex. What grey area is there in that? Unless you think it's acceptable to cheat.

It's not about assassinating characters. If my daughter confided in me that she had cheated in a ONS on her husband, I wouldn't assassinate her character or berate her for it. However, I also wouldn't suggest she hide it from her husband either.

I'd like to hope I would raise a daughter that wouldn't cheat-but if she did, I would also hope I'd have raised her to take accountability and ownership of her bad decisions and face up to them.

Just because being honest isn't easy and may come with bad consequences doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.

According to anyone with a shred of common sense and decency. Something a lot of PP's including you are clearly lacking in.

No @CleverLilViper to use your analogy, she may have thrown in the hand grenade, but it hasn't yet exploded. She now has two choices, do nothing and hope it never explodes, or pull out the pin and she and her family all go up together.
Some posters in their thirst to see the OP self destruct as 'punishment' seem happy to watch the innocent people go with her. Others feel this is too great a price.

@Timetochangegonzo Also, it's easy for most people to discern that being honest is moral and being dishonest is immoral. That's not difficult. Evidently it is for some of the people on here-but for most-it's cut and dry. It's simple.

Tell your husband so he can divorce you and find someone better than a woman that would cheat on him.

I don’t think it’s minimising. It’s pointing out the difference between an impulsive one off, which need never be mentioned to the partner if it’s truly regretted and learned from, and a full blown affair, which entails long term, deception and involves emotional infidelity as well as physical. OK the former may involve lying by omission, but the latter requires detailed and deliberate planned deceit in order to cover it up.

If your daughter refused to tell her husband, would you tell him yourself? Would you betray your own daughters confidence or would you collude in forcing her spouse to 'live a lie?' Lie to him yourself by omission? You believe there are no grey areas, honesty is always right, dishonesty wrong. So when honesty and loyalty to a daughter who trusts you conflict, what would you do?

@5128gap

All I see with all of this is ways to protect the OP from owning up to her bad decision. It isn't about wanting to see her punished. I couldn't give a toss if she's punished or not. I'd hope they'd be able to work through it-for the sake of the kids if nothing else.

If anything, I'd more flabbergasted at the sheer number of people suggesting the OP lies and hides this from her husband. Don't you think he has the right to know and make an informed choice about whether he wants to remain in a marriage with someone capable of cheating?

Or at least have the knowledge of the incident so they can work on it openly and honestly together to fix their marriage?

If they didn't have kids-what would your advice be to the OP?

That a pretty impulsive one off to go from sober in a group, to alone, tipsy, and shagging someone who is not your spouse with no premeditation.

That lack of impulse control, that recklessness, knowing the consequence is destroying your family, makes for a very dangerous partner.

Oh please don’t say that - how will I ever manage without you policing my lack of morals and sitting in smug judgement from up there on your pedestal.

Tell your husband so he can divorce you and find someone better than a woman that would cheat on him.

That'll be fun for the children.

And yes, while I know that it would ultimately be the OPs indiscretion that brought about the situation, nothing will change or undo that, but at least at present her children don't have to contend with a broken home and the hell that is blended families.

And yes absolutely she should have thought of that before treating another man's knob like a lollipop but that's done now.

Oh, I'm sure you'll get by.

If she was making a habit of it, I’d agree with you, but from her post it seems it’s never happened before and she’s genuinely horrified by what she’s done.

And so it goes on, back and forth………./

If they didn't have children I'd probably not have advised at all tbh.
I certainly wouldn't feel so strongly she shouldn't confess if there were only the adults to take into account, as I can see the validity of some of the arguments for confession.
My advice to say nothing is not based in morality of lack of. I'm not so arrogant as to appoint myself arbitrator of other people's morals and tell the OP what she should do based on my personal idea of right and wrong. My advice is pragmatic and based in the least worst for the people in the scenario. Remove the children and it changes who needs to be considered.

According to anyone with a shred of common sense and decency. Something a lot of PP's including you are clearly lacking in

yeah again, that’s according to… you. You’re one person. Others may disagree.

I mean in the Victorian era people thought it was indecent to show an ankle. Morals and decency are not an absolute - they’re a trend.

65% of married men have cheated. They all manage to get on with lives without hand wringing

Please show evidence of that @Timetochangegonzo

Also let's not base our standards on the standards of what some men have done. Or are we on a race to the bottom here?