I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

Actually you're wrong. It's the complete opposite. The longer this stays a secret the safer it becomes for the OP. Provided she never confesses or does it again, life will go on, her relationship with her husband will gain extra resilience as this years pass, and the event itself will become shrouded in the mists of time. Some random pops up with a disclosure in 5 years time? What proof will they have? 15 years time? What course...? 20 years, even if admitted it would be weighed against a long and hopefully happy shared life, that neither would probably want to unpick.
Confess now while it's fresh and the risk to the marriage is far greater than the fairly safe bet that a single night, witnessed by no one, with no incriminating evidence, public risk taking or shared social circle is likely to somehow reveal itself.

I must have a different sort of marriage because if my DH confessed this after 20 years, I would tear him limb to limb.

No @CleverLilViper to use your analogy, she may have thrown in the hand grenade, but it hasn't yet exploded. She now has two choices, do nothing and hope it never explodes, or pull out the pin and she and her family all go up together.

Nope. It's more like there's a grenade in their room and the OP knowingly brought it in and put it under their bed but she's not going to warn her husband so that he can decide to leave or have it removed, because that'd be uncomfortable and difficult for her so she's forcing him to sleep for the rest of his life, with a grenade under the bed knowing that it could detonate at any time and that even if it doesn't she's still the woman who forced someone she supposedly loves to spend every night with a grenade under the bed.

I presume they were asking for evidence that 65% of married men have cheated rather than fact checking the ankle comment!

I must have a different sort of marriage because if my DH confessed this after 20 years, I would tear him limb to limb.

Same. Tell me now and I might be willing to work through it. Perhaps I can't but I'll try and I'll respect that my partner had the decency and guts to go to me allow me to choose for myself . Tell me in 20 years time, knowing that I've wasted 20 years because of a lie and I'd want blood.

OP hasn't been back , pretty common on here . I'm wondering though , if OP is a man , wanting to see how views on ONSs with women and men differ on here .

. I was surprisingly not angry with her, but at the same time, she was just not worth the anguish and effort to try and rebuild trust when there are countless other women out there to build a relationship with.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I find this statement troubling. If you weren’t angry and didn’t consider the relationship worth the effort of even trying to save, it sounds as though it was already in trouble.

But what is this truth though, that she had sex with someone as a drunken one off (as I say, I would have liked to hear her fuller explanation but going on what we have) and regrets it massively. Not condoning that at all but many, many people are capable of doing something stupid and selfish as a one off. My point is more about the longer term implications of both the cheating and of him being told and the balance of impacts.

I hear what you're saying, the principle, and it would probably be my argument on that side. However, is that a concrete benefit? I'm not sure I agree. Not when weighted against uprooting or at least destabilising 3 (I think she said 2 kids, not going back to check) other people's lives. That is taking at face value that it was a genuine one off.

Maybe you would. Very many wouldn't. It's not an uncommon discussion on here is it? I just found out my husband had a ONS years ago, great marriage since, house, children, happy etc.
The advice is very rarely to immediately LTB in these circumstances, which shows that most people would weigh it up against the rest of the relationship.
In RL people are a lot more reluctant to tear long term partners limb from limb or walk out on their entire life than MN would have us believe. The same as in RL people aren't all disclosing spouses affairs to strangers 'because they've a right to know'. Most people aren't that bothered about other people's lives, wouldn't dream of getting involved, and careful cheats who keep quiet get away with it all the time.
People just don't like to accept it because it goes against natural justice. But it's true nonetheless.

No-one is suggesting that the OP confess years later - what would be the point of that ? And if the partner found out years later some other way, why would they consider the intervening time as wasted ? That assumes that in the event of the OP confessing immediately, their decision would have been to leave.

I hear what you're saying, the principle, and it would probably be my argument on that side. However, is that a concrete benefit?

Yes that's a concrete benefit. The right to consent, whether in sex or in a relationship, is about as concrete and beneficial as it gets.

Another poster made a good point too, that a ONS is probably more likely to recur and in a way is more troubling than a long term affair if the OP is willing to risk her relationship for one night of "fun".

I wonder what other facts people think it's ok to withold in a relationship so long as it means that the family doesn't break up. That you're gay? A fraudster? Have a violent criminal history? Does anything go? I'm getting the impression that some would excuse just about anything.

No-one is suggesting that the OP confess years later - what would be the point of that ? And if the partner found out years later some other way, why would they consider the intervening time as wasted ?

These things often have a way of coming out. I've known a few people who confessed or were outed years later. And I certainly would feel that I'd wasted my time because clearly I was with someone who had no respect or consideration for me when they took my choice from me and made the decision for me. If I'd known soon after I had two options. Either continue in the relationship and work on it, which I'd certainly give some thought to considering that they at least showed me the respect of telling me about it, or leave the relationship. If they withhold that knowledge from me then I have no choice and I'm forced to continue a relationship based on a lie.

Perspective!!!! Being a fraudster or a violent criminal is unlawful. Having sex with someone else with consent is not! Not ideal but it does not compare with fraud or violence.

It sounds like she malfunctioned so rather than bother with a repair decided to get a new one.
Men often respond to being usurped by other men by devaluing the thing the other man took from them (as they see it.)

I wonder what other facts people think it's ok to withold in a relationship so long as it means that the family doesn't break up. That you're gay? A fraudster? Have a violent criminal history? Does anything go? I'm getting the impression that some would excuse just about anything.

I came late to the thread and would like to ask a general question. Does anyone feel as though they’ve stepped back in time to the Victorian era ?

The moral police are out in force judging those in the keep quiet camp, dismissing out of hand and gleefully insulting some really thoughtful posters, who have taken the time to give compassionate and considered replies, and accusing them of ‘moral bankruptcy’. Who are you to pass such outrageous judgement ? As for the statement above, @IHateWasps suggesting to those who advise caution for very valid reasons that their morals are aligned with those of fraudsters and violent criminals says more about you than anything else.

If we’re going full Victorian, you and a few others here would clearly have had a ball sitting on charity boards judging the deserving from the undeserving. Despite all your protestations to the contrary what comes across loud and clear is that it’s nothing to do with a partners right to know - it’s about seeing the OP punished for what she’s done. Mindless slavery to the truth no matter what the collateral damage is the only thing that matters. Well it doesn’t always set you free, and advising a clearly devastated and vulnerable OP to needlessly inflict suffering on her entire family in the name of truth and decency would be my definition of moral bankruptcy.

Telling husband about the grenade isn't warning him about it. Its setting off the grenade and being like "suprise there is a grenade"

If respecting your partner enough to be honest with them and to allow them free will to decide if they want to continue a relationship rather than deceiving them for decades makes me a moralistic out of date Victorian then I'm delighted to be one. I'd much rather be one than someone who thinks so little of their partner that their wishes and their willing consent doesn't matter to them.

That’s a good way of putting it. To be honest my first thought was that he had one foot out of the relationship anyway if he decided so quickly that divorce was easier than getting to the root cause of her infidelity, and, dare I say it, examining his own shortcomings. Infidelity is never the answer to an unhappy marriage, but it must be difficult to live with someone who sees things in such cold, black and white terms.

Being a fraudster or a violent criminal is unlawful. Having sex with someone else with consent is not! Not ideal but it does not compare with fraud or violence.

Unlawful or not, the point is not the act itself but deliberately withholding important information that the partner should have access to and which may or may not change where the relationship goes from that point onwards.

Telling husband about the grenade isn't warning him about it. Its setting off the grenade and being like "suprise there is a grenade"

It's really not. At least if you both know about the grenade then you can work on it together or he can decide to go to a grenade free zone. At least he has options. Don't tell him about the grenade and he's forced to sleep forever with it under his bed.

I wonder what would happen if her partner confessed to a one night stand later on?

Oh, of course, if a man cheats, it's his fault, whereas if a woman cheats, it's his fault. 🙄

You seem to be confusing the word mistake and accident.

Having sex with someone else isn't an accident, but it can absolutely be a choice made on the spur of the moment, especially when drink or drugs are involved that is instantly regretted and therefore a mistake.

Yes of course you can regret it but people keep talking as though it's a mistake that anyone could make, more equivalent to an accident when it was a series of deliberate choices.

But again my bigger issue is with how it's dealt with than the ONS itself. That would be the deciding factor for me.

"made on the spur of the moment"

But it wasn't on the spur of the moment, though, was it. Earlier in the evening the OP actively chose to allow a man who is not her husband into her bedroom, and to add insult to injury, one whom she felt attracted to, and who also seemed to fancy her. Then, when the other woman left, she didn't choose to do the right and appropriate thing i.e. politely say Goodnight to this man and settle for the night, alone in her own hotel bedroom. No, she continued to spend the evening in her bedroom, in the company of a man other than her husband, chatting, flirting and drinking alcohol. We all know what happened then on.

My point being is that this was in no way an impulsive, "spur of the moment" occurrence, and to suggest that it was is utter bollocks.