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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
RaidFlySpray · 19/08/2023 10:26

I think your husband deserves to know. And I don't think you'll have any peace within yourself with such a big secret hanging over you.

You know you've done a really stupid thing and a huge mistake, and I think you probably know that it will cost you very dearly. Please look after yourself as best you can.

Shapemyeyebrows · 19/08/2023 10:29

@Miserablemondsy I think you need to put yourself in your husbands shoes and be honest with yourself about what HE would want. If he’s the type of man who would absolutely want to know and would most likely leave you if he knew, then I think you are being unfair keeping him in a relationship knowing he wouldn’t be there if he knew the truth. I think you also need to be honest with yourself about why you did what you did. I just couldn’t imagine doing that to someone I genuinely loved.

Bookish88 · 19/08/2023 10:33

What's your husband's stance on cheating? If you know from things he's said in the past that it's a hard line, then you need to be honest with him and give him an opportunity to end the relationship. If not and you'd be doing it purely to assuage your own guilt, then I'd say keep it to yourself. You deserve to live with it.

NeedTheSeaside · 19/08/2023 10:35

Oh.

Have you been talking to this bloke since then?

I'm a bit hypocritical as I'd want to know if I was your DH but having been in his position (but worse) it destroys your relationship & trust in general.

the way I look at it, if you are SURE you won't carry on an EA with this bloke or be unfaithful in the future, don't tell him. Your burden is the guilt you're feeling, telling him reduces that, but possibly destroys your family unit & his happiness.

Yes, you did a terrible thing, but it doesn't make you a terrible person. You'll need to work on accepting it happened, but dwelling on it helps no one. Moving forward will

readbooksdrinktea · 19/08/2023 10:35

Your husband should be told so he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to stay married to you.

Ollifer · 19/08/2023 10:37

It doesn't even sound like you were that drunk, so wasn't a case of not knowing what you were doing?. You need to figure out what's missing in your life and relationship to want to do something like that. No judgement here as things happen and people make mistakes but usually it's because they aren't fully happy in their current relationship. As for telling your husband I think you should. Keeping the secret will make you feel shit anyway, trust me Ive been there before.

always2323 · 19/08/2023 10:39

Admitting to cheating on here will don nothing for you.

If you're sure he won't say anything then live with the guilt and keep your mouth shut.

People on here will tell you "DH deserves the truth even if it hurts him" but we all know that it's never that straightforward you're certainly not the first person to do it not will you be the last. Learn from your mistakes.
It will be devastating for him if he finds out. But that's if.

If my fella had a one night stand that meant nothing id rather him not tell me because what I don't know doesn't hurt.

Pinkdelight3 · 19/08/2023 10:45

I wouldn't say anything but I also wouldn't have told my sister, because even though she's advising silence too, anything could happen down the line and she could tell him the truth. So because you've already told someone else, I'd be more inclined to tell him and get whatever's going to happen over with rather than it coming out later. The fact that you've already had to confide in someone shows you're not likely to be able to lock it away and never confess.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/08/2023 10:47

I've always been of the opinion that I wouldn't cheat because I didn't want to hurt DP. I'm not against cheating as such, but I am against hurting my partner. I won't cheat because I don't believe there's any way to do it without the risk of my partner finding out, and getting hurt.

You seem to have done it and got away with it. You've escaped the hurting your partner bit, as long as you can keep up the pretence. The guilt is just the price you pay.

On the other hand, if you don't think you can keep it a secret, then better to rip the plaster off and tell him now, let him get on with his life without you.

Either way, get an STI test for fucks sake.

Skiphopandajump · 19/08/2023 10:49

It was a stupid one off mistake. Telling your husband would be devastating for the whole family as well as your circle of friends.
Just don't do it again

Thislife1 · 19/08/2023 10:49

It really depends on your relationship, but if you tell DH you’ll break the trust and likely lose your marriage. If it was genuinely a one-off I’d put it behind me and move forward. You’re not awful, you’re human. Don’t put yourself in a situation like that again!

Pinkdelight3 · 19/08/2023 10:50

Either way, get an STI test for fucks sake.

She said it was safe sex so presume that's not the concern.

Doggymummar · 19/08/2023 10:50

If you weren't going to tell him you should have kept it to yourself. You've told your sister. She will tell someone who will tell someone and on it goes

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 10:52

I doubt any men confessing to a one night stand on here would be told they’re not an awful person… and it was ‘just a mistake’.

SpanielsMatter · 19/08/2023 10:55

I don’t think it serves any purpose in ‘confessing’, if anything it will impact 3 lives and cause needless upheaval. Put it to the back of your brain and move on. Not great but not worth destroying a family over. Many on here will be outraged and will urge you to wear a hair shirt … absolutely no point and being truthful am unsure how many ppl would actually confess.

It happened, it shouldn’t have happened but it did, now don’t let guilt send a grenade into your own family. Everyone makes mistakes your job is to limit the damage and ensure it never happens again.

Doyoumind · 19/08/2023 10:57

I'm against cheating but if you want your marriage to last and you're truly remorseful, don't tell your DH. What good could come of it?

You'll just have to live with the guilt.

Thoughtful2355 · 19/08/2023 10:57

A lot of people would shoot me for saying this but id keep my mouth shut and try to move on. Dont let it happen again ever. now you know you will if the chance comes about like that so dont get into that position again BUT i wouldnt be telling another soul.

stiltonbriecheddar · 19/08/2023 10:58

I think being honest with your husband is the right thing to do. Can you live with the guilt? Is it going to eat you up more over time?
Your husband deserves to know what you have done. I've been on the receiving end and it is not nice.

PollyAmour · 19/08/2023 10:59

Confessing will cause your marriage to implode.

You need to look at what is wrong with your marriage for you to succumb to flirting with, and ultimately having sex with, a younger man.

To be honest, if you were my sister, I would be pretty upset at your behaviour.
If you were absolutely bladdered, maybe you'd get a tiny bit of sympathy.

What about the other woman, who left you with your one night stand? I bet she has an inkling you didn't make a cup of cocoa and go to bed.

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 11:00

I’m with your sister. Keep your mouth shut, learn from this mistake x

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 11:01

OP I have read your posts and all I can say to you is whatever you decide to do - once it is done you can't undo it so think very carefully before you say anything.

Stratocumulus · 19/08/2023 11:02

As above:

”Your burden is the guilt you're feeling, telling him reduces that, but possibly destroys your family unit & his happiness.”

Keep your mouth shut. Let your guilt fade because it will, given time.
Lessons learned.

Adhdandme1 · 19/08/2023 11:02

I am with your sister.
just don’t do it again!
telling him would be selfish.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 19/08/2023 11:02

There's children involved, one off never going to happen again I'd say don't tell. Live with the guilt. Divorce takes to big a toll on everyone. I wouldn't want to know. An affair yes, a one night stand no.

passthedaquri · 19/08/2023 11:03

Don't spill the beans, it was a mistake. Move and prioritise your kids and family.