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Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
rwalker · 19/08/2023 12:23

Keep your mouth shut tbh I wouldn’t of told your sister

Thatsridiculous · 19/08/2023 12:24

I genuinely feel so conflicted about this.

I’ve always thought I would want to know if my DH was unfaithful to me. I would want to have a choice about whether to continue the relationship. Not knowing means I would continue to trust him despite him not being trustworthy. Younger me would have said I would want to know and that would be the end of our marriage.

However, I also think there is something selfish about telling your DH. If it’s out of character, if it’s something you know will never happen again. Would I want to know in these circumstances? 20 years into my relationship I am not as sure as I once was.

A relationship with feelings, an affair, yes I would want to know.

But then - I also know I wouldn’t be unfaithful in this way. You had a chance to stop at the first kiss, then when you were giving him a BJ, then before you had sex. So many chances to stop. So. I don’t believe that you can guarantee you won’t do it again. Something made you cheat, it wasn’t being tipsy. It wasn’t a drunken snog. It went way beyond that.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:24

Solitaryasanoyster · 19/08/2023 12:21

Can a bad decision not also be a mistake?

Show quote history

Well it’s not ‘accidental’ is it? A mistake implies just that. This was no accident. Lying to her DH for the rest of their marriage for her own self interest would also be another ‘mistake’. Or you know. bad decision.

Summertiempo · 19/08/2023 12:24

Doyoumind · 19/08/2023 10:57

I'm against cheating but if you want your marriage to last and you're truly remorseful, don't tell your DH. What good could come of it?

You'll just have to live with the guilt.

She is truely remorseful now. Doesn't mean she cannot be tempted again, and she might again regret. What makes you think if she couldn't control last time, she would at the next opportunity.

She can tell her H and he / them discuss future possibilities - maybe open the marriage or leave. Who is to say OP won't do it again.

Kidsandcat · 19/08/2023 12:25

Keep quiet and let the guilt be your punishment. You'll ruin your whole family's lives if you tell him.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 12:26

The only reason I think you should keep quiet is because of your daughter's. I don't think there could possibly be worse ages for you to have done something so horrible. Your kids would be so, so fucked up from this.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 12:26

Summertiempo · 19/08/2023 12:24

She is truely remorseful now. Doesn't mean she cannot be tempted again, and she might again regret. What makes you think if she couldn't control last time, she would at the next opportunity.

She can tell her H and he / them discuss future possibilities - maybe open the marriage or leave. Who is to say OP won't do it again.

Show quote history

Hopefully if she was tempted again, the ongoing guilt would be enough to stop her.

Raffington55 · 19/08/2023 12:27

Dont tell your husband. It's not fair. You need to live with it. It's sort of a shame you told your sister (though I completely understand) because I think it would hurt your husband to know that someone else is in on it. BUT the most selfish thing you could possibly do now would be to tell your husband.

midlifemaid · 19/08/2023 12:27

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:17

You're all so bloody despicable.

What would it achieve? It'd allow him to make an informed decision if he wants to continue his marriage as should be his right. FFS. That so many people are such pieces of shit that they don't think that he deserves that is incredible. How low can you get that you can't even give your partner such basic respect?

I see your point. However infidelity has been part of marriage for as long as marriage has existed. There are many societal and cultural reasons why this has been the case, and in modern times it's generally because we expect EVERYTHING from one person and we live twice as long therefore have double the number of years to maintain marriage! However (I think!) the continuous thread through the ages is that were essentially only human with unique human needs, desires, and weaknesses, and voids to fill.

SapatSea · 19/08/2023 12:28

I used to lecture on OU residentials. Affairs were incredibly common. We coud all spot many of them a mile off! OU residentials are well known for it. I think people feel in a little bubble, as econd youth and go a bit mad. You have cheated and you will have to live with that guilt and shame. I'd examine why you cheated - does you DH not give you enough attention, do you miss the giddiness of initial attraction vs staid marriage, was ita thrill etc. A secret is no longer really a secret if you have told someone it.It may assuage your guilt to confess to your DH but are you prepared to blow up your "happy" family for that? or are there really cracks in your RL and you kind of long for escape deep down ?

Middleagedmeangirls · 19/08/2023 12:28

If I were you I'd keep quiet. Telling him will only hurt him.

Emdubz · 19/08/2023 12:29

You should tell him and you know this or you wouldn’t be on here questioning yourself months down the line. He deserves to make an informed decision whether he wants to be with you or not.

What would you want if it happened to you?

If it happened to me I’d want to know and I’d end the relationship.

Deathbyfluffy · 19/08/2023 12:29

Always interesting when women find out men have cheated it’s LTB etc, but when the shoe’s on the other foot it’s just a mistake, learn from it and keep it a secret etc.

I think he deserves to know, so he can decide if he wants to stay married to someone capable of being a cheat.

Straycatblue · 19/08/2023 12:30

Did he have a condom on when you gave him oral ? = if not have a look at all the STI you can catch from oral sex in the NHS link below
(hint ...it's pretty much all the same ones as via penetrative sex)

https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-infections-can-i-catch-through-oral-sex/

Even if he had a condom on for both the blow job & the penetrative sex its not 100% guaranteed & even with a condom on it doesnt protect you from skin to skin contact STI & you can still catch genital warts & herpes from skin to skin contact on areas the condom doesn't cover

Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases not just for you but for your poor husbands sake as well as it sounds like you aren't going to tell him

nhs.uk

What infections can I catch through oral sex?

Oral sex is the stimulation of the genitals using the mouth and tongue. It is one of the ways that sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are most frequently passed on.

https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-infections-can-i-catch-through-oral-sex

honeybonbon · 19/08/2023 12:31

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

AthenaPopodopolous · 19/08/2023 12:31

Just keep quiet or it will ruin your marriage and perhaps your childrens futures.

Cowlover89 · 19/08/2023 12:32

Don't tell him and don't do it again

honeybonbon · 19/08/2023 12:32

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:32

I see your point. However infidelity has been part of marriage for as long as marriage has exist

That doesn't make it better or more acceptable. But my point is that I find the withholding that knowledge from one's partner a far more egregious offence than the affair.(Not that you're getting brownie points for that either) but I may be able to move past that if my hypothetical partner had the decency to tell me. Showing me enough respect to let me make an informed decision about my relationship would say a lot.

FarEast · 19/08/2023 12:36

You’ll have a lot of posters telling you to confess to your husband. 1 don't think you should.

It's done with- you'll never see him again. It's your burden & you should bear it. Don't off load onto your husband. That's the coward's way out of "Feeling terrible”.

If you think that there's something missing in your marriage, work on that.but don't offload your guilt onto your poor unsuspecting husband. He doesn't deserve the pain to make you feel better

Your sister's right - suck it up.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:37

Also doesn’t the poor woman whose fiancé this is deserve to know she’s about to marry someone who has just shagged another woman? This isn’t just about the OP. This woman doesn’t have kids (presumably?) and deserves the chance to know who she’s really about to marry so if she wants she can find someone who will be faithful to her.

HelpMeGetThrough · 19/08/2023 12:37

what is the point of burdening your partner with your confession just to make yourself feel better ?

The point is, he can the decide if he wants to carry on being married to an adulterer.

snowdropinwinter · 19/08/2023 12:37

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OhTheSilence · 19/08/2023 12:38

By not telling your husband, you are being controlling. You haven't allowed him to make an informed choice about his life as an adult. There is no guarantee he won't find out anyway, and there's no guarantee you won't cheat again. So it's only the illusion of control that you gain.

Comedycook · 19/08/2023 12:38

If it's a one off and you truly regret it then I'd say keep your mouth shut. I'd say this to a man too. And if my dh made one mistake, felt truly sorry and never did it again then honestly I wouldn't want to know.