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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
Ollifer · 19/08/2023 12:12

Who had the condom op? As surely neither of you were carrying them round so did you have to go out and get one?

Rotterdam · 19/08/2023 12:13

Do NOT confess. Keep your mouth shut.

Your feelings of guilt will just get worse if you tell your DH. I would work through the guilt by yourself and reflect on why you cheated in the first place. What is lacking in your marriage? Are you trying to get back at your DH? Are you committed to your relationship?

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 12:14

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 12:07

She’s already opened her mouth to her sister… The genie is out the bottle

Show quote history

Life isn’t like an episode of Eastenders where infidelities and lies always come out and sisters turn into back stabbers seeking revenge by destroying a marriage.

I trust my sisters implicitly and I wouldn’t dream of destroying one of their relationships if one of them confided in me.

GasPanic · 19/08/2023 12:14

Whatever you choose to do think very very carefully before you do it.

You may feel differently in a couple of months time.

Because once you tell someone something it is impossible to go back.

Solitaryasanoyster · 19/08/2023 12:14

Guilt is the price you pay for your mistake, there is no need for your husband and your children to suffer, too.
Infidelity is much much more common than people like to admit, a lot of people posting on here will have either cheated, or have been cheated on and may be oblivious.
Perhaps view this as a wake up call about how horrible it’s made you feel, value what you have with your husband and family unit and a hard lesson to learn but a guarantee you will never make the same mistake twice.

Notellinganyone · 19/08/2023 12:14

Absolutely don’t tell him. Clearly it was an aberration, a mistake. Why turn everyone’s lives upside down? These things happen- I’ve been in a similar situation and have kept shtum . What would honesty achieve here?

Mischance · 19/08/2023 12:14

You should not have done this; nor should you have told your sister and given her the responsibility of keeping this from your poor OH.

What would you do if the situation were reversed? How would you feel if you were in your OH's position?

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 12:15

rockingbird · 19/08/2023 12:12

You cheated, you tell all. How would you feel if your husband hid this sort of thing? The fact you e hidden this ever since is bloody awful in itself, your husband has a right to know and you'll never forgive yourself hiding this for the rest of your days.

How do we know he hasn’t ? And if it’s a genuine never to be repeated moment of madness, what is the point of burdening your partner with your confession just to make yourself feel better ?

Wherearemymarbles · 19/08/2023 12:16

if my wife had a ONS I would rather not know as it would end our marriage.
if I had a ONS I would definitely not tell my wife.
and whilst I do get the ‘well if a man posted’…

what do you think the response be if a woman posted on Piston Heads she had cheated vis a vis a man posting the same thing…..

TheChosenTwo · 19/08/2023 12:16

I’m so surprised at the amount of people who are advising op to keep quiet!

Notellinganyone · 19/08/2023 12:16

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:02

It’s not just about how he might now ‘see’ her though is it? It’s about who she actually is. It’s been done. Can’t put that genie back in the bottle I’m afraid. This is a seed of poison that will eventually ruin the marriage. It’s no longer authentic or real.

Show quote history

That’s just not true though. Sometimes a drunken mistake is just that.

OakTree16 · 19/08/2023 12:17

Keep your mouth shut and move on.

Specso · 19/08/2023 12:17

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 11:58

I hate how, when a woman cheats, she's told to keep quiet - yet when a man does it, he's labelled all the names under the sun and told he deserves whatever he gets.

OP's DH deserves better than to be unknowingly stuck in a marriage with someone who's cheated on him.

This.

Everyone saying keep it quiet and just learn from it because it was ‘just a shag’ ‘just a mistake’ ‘a drunken one off’.

If it’s not a big deal like many people are saying then tell him so he can forgive it..which of course he will since it’s ‘nothing’, right?

It should be his choice to decide if he wants to be with you knowing the truth. People are advising you to stay quiet for your own self interest. You’d be duping him for your own selfish desire to keep your life as it is if you don’t tell him.

Just my opinion of course but not everyone believes in ignorance is bliss and it shouldn’t be for anyone else to decide who’s entitled to the truth or not.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:17

You're all so bloody despicable.

What would it achieve? It'd allow him to make an informed decision if he wants to continue his marriage as should be his right. FFS. That so many people are such pieces of shit that they don't think that he deserves that is incredible. How low can you get that you can't even give your partner such basic respect?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 12:18

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 12:14

Life isn’t like an episode of Eastenders where infidelities and lies always come out and sisters turn into back stabbers seeking revenge by destroying a marriage.

I trust my sisters implicitly and I wouldn’t dream of destroying one of their relationships if one of them confided in me.

Show quote history

I didn’t say it was.

However, life often does involve people blabbing. Deliberately or accidentally.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:18

Notellinganyone · 19/08/2023 12:16

That’s just not true though. Sometimes a drunken mistake is just that.

Show quote history

He thinks he’s in a relationship with someone faithful and monogamous, he isn’t.

she is someone who has cheated and therefore that is exactly who she is. It’s just a fact. She doesn’t deserve to be condemned for all eternity! But she should give her husband the chance to make an informed choice about what he wants to do.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:19

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:17

You're all so bloody despicable.

What would it achieve? It'd allow him to make an informed decision if he wants to continue his marriage as should be his right. FFS. That so many people are such pieces of shit that they don't think that he deserves that is incredible. How low can you get that you can't even give your partner such basic respect?

This

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:19

what is the point of burdening your partner with your confession just to make yourself feel better ?

Because very obviously they get to fucking decide for themselves if they want to continue the relationship. Rather than have the opportunity to make an informed decision taken from them. That's a worse crime than the affair.

midlifemaid · 19/08/2023 12:19

NeedTheSeaside · 19/08/2023 10:35

Oh.

Have you been talking to this bloke since then?

I'm a bit hypocritical as I'd want to know if I was your DH but having been in his position (but worse) it destroys your relationship & trust in general.

the way I look at it, if you are SURE you won't carry on an EA with this bloke or be unfaithful in the future, don't tell him. Your burden is the guilt you're feeling, telling him reduces that, but possibly destroys your family unit & his happiness.

Yes, you did a terrible thing, but it doesn't make you a terrible person. You'll need to work on accepting it happened, but dwelling on it helps no one. Moving forward will

I agree with this post. No judgement here. I don't think you should tell your DH anything at this point, potentially ever. It is your issue to work though, and please do address it, for your own well-being and that of your marriage and family. It is understandable and easy to say that your DH deserves to know, but you don't know if he wants to know. Many do not. I speak with some experience. The potential devastation may never be recovered from. At the moment, you have the chance to make a better future with a more authentic you, more accepting and honest within yourself , with untold benefits for your marriage, if that is what you want. You made a mistake, but mistakes help us to learn and grow.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 12:20

Given the advice to keep quiet and the (bad) advice that condoms mean no STI test is needed the thread is a good snapshot of why STI rates are on the increase if this is reflective of attitudes generally

Squeaky2023 · 19/08/2023 12:20

"If my fella had a one night stand that meant nothing id rather him not tell me because what I don't know doesn't hurt."

This. Would you want to know, OP? Don't spoil a good thing by telling of one, albeit bad, mistake.

Solitaryasanoyster · 19/08/2023 12:21

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:12

I didn’t say I don’t mistakes, but I’d never cheat on someone I’d profess to love and then remove their informed consent as whether to continue in the relationship and then go on to live a lie, no.

if a man did this, it wouldn’t be a ‘mistake’.

shagging someone else isn’t a mistake. It’s a decision.

Show quote history

Can a bad decision not also be a mistake?

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:22

Given the advice to keep quiet and the (bad) advice that condoms mean no STI test is needed the thread is a good snapshot of why STI rates are on the increase if this is reflective of attitudes generally

Excellent point too. But clearly few on here give a shit about anyone besides themselves.

Wolfinthehouse · 19/08/2023 12:22

Tell him, I once found out a massive secret from a family member whilst they were on their death bed with a brain tumour. I have no doubt that they didn't want me to know yet they confessed all because they thought I already knew and that I was someone else. You don't want to keep a secret, for them to find out when you have an operation and are groggy from all the drugs or something!
I mean I think your should tell him anyway but it would hurt so much more if you only confessed because you were out of it.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 12:23

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 10:52

I doubt any men confessing to a one night stand on here would be told they’re not an awful person… and it was ‘just a mistake’.

I agree.

If a man came on here, confessing to this, he'd be hung, drawn and quartered.

Sorry, OP, but you need to be honest. You did do something terrible, but you've absolutely lost the right to decide what happens to your marriage after this.

Your husband deserves to know who he is married to. You did an awful thing to a man you're supposed to love, and I'm not trying to be harsh-but it's a bit late to start prioritising your family when you failed to do that when you were busy having sex with another man.

Your husband has the right to decide whether he wants to work on your marriage or he wants to leave it. You don't get to decide that now.