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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
Usou · 19/08/2023 11:59

No point fucking up your marriage and your family just to assuage your own guilt.

He will never see you in the same light again even if he decides not to end it.

TheOGCCL · 19/08/2023 12:01

I wouldn't say anything. Your punishment is going to be holding this secret which in balance is better than breaking up your family. But I agree with pps that something might be missing in your relationship (when the student is ready, the teacher appears) and that makes you vulnerable to future mistakes. Perhaps this incident is telling you something.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 12:02

You’ve told your sister so you have to tell him.

Far too much chance of him finding out and if you have any respect for him you must make sure he finds out from you - not from a drunk comment from your sister at a social occasion, not from overhearing you two saying something when the kids are around, and not from anyone she chooses to confide in like her partner.

Also get an STI check. One that includes herpes and syphilis as condoms don’t always protect against them.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/08/2023 12:02

Skiphopandajump · 19/08/2023 10:49

It was a stupid one off mistake. Telling your husband would be devastating for the whole family as well as your circle of friends.
Just don't do it again

I do agree with this, as my good friend did the same at a weak point in her marriage when they were arguing a lot, but twenty five years later she is still happily together with her DH, they had another baby, they are a close couple, she hasn’t repeated her mistake.
Sometimes telling is a way of passing on the guilt. People make stupid, thoughtless mistakes, and if it is a genuine one-off-never-to-be-repeated then learn from it .
I do however think that you need to ask yourself how it got to that point and why. Are you hitting peri menopause? Hormonally and emotionally that can be difficult. If something like that, personal to you, is the reason then think about it. If it is more of a marriage issue, then address that.

Ducksinthebath · 19/08/2023 12:02

Will your sister keep quiet about it come what may? Even if WW3 breaks out between you? If yes then I’d keep quiet and also give up drinking. If you’re that easily inclined to cheat after a couple of drinks and half a bottle of wine it says a lot.

MasterBeth · 19/08/2023 12:02

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 11:21

Jesus, I've been counting, and it's 3:1 in favour of don't tell!

So moral of the story, if you feel guilty, keep it quiet. You're only a bad person if you're a MAN and you cheat.

I think the OP has been a very bad person and shouldn't tell.

The burden of guilt and shame she will feel is her punishment for her very bad act. I hope it strengthens her marriage. Telling her husband would destroy it - and him.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:02

Usou · 19/08/2023 11:59

No point fucking up your marriage and your family just to assuage your own guilt.

He will never see you in the same light again even if he decides not to end it.

It’s not just about how he might now ‘see’ her though is it? It’s about who she actually is. It’s been done. Can’t put that genie back in the bottle I’m afraid. This is a seed of poison that will eventually ruin the marriage. It’s no longer authentic or real.

K8ate · 19/08/2023 12:04

Sounds like the op is underplaying things slightly - this has probably been building up for a long time.
The fact that a condom was involved would suggest there was a certain degree of planning involved.
I would think that rather than it being ‘a quick shag’ as she states, it was more a night of drawn out passion.
Extremely unlikely it was just a single event - The reason she feels so guilty is because they almost certainly did the deed more than once that night.

CutiePatooties · 19/08/2023 12:05

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 11:14

There are some really scummy people in here saying keep it a secret (for whatever reason!) and move on...

Tipsy is not an excuse. You shouldn't be in a situation like that in the first place (alone with a guy, in a room with alcohol).

If it can happen, it was wanted, and the feelings for your partner weren't what they should be.

Confess and let him find someone good.

I agree with this whole-heartedly.

I also find the ‘we all make mistakes’ thing ridiculous. I’d understand more if it was a kiss and then she thought ‘oh shit, I’ve made a mistake.’

But they’ve kissed… (a mistake)
His wotsit in her mouth (that’s okay, we all make mistakes).
They DTD (that’s okay, we all make mistakes).

that’s a few mistakes made there and quite bloody big ones. It’s not the same as putting a red sock in with a white wash ffs. She was tipsy, we all know what we’re doing when we’re tipsy.

My worry is the OP has come on here wanting all of us to tell her not to tell him, so she can feel justified in not confessing and that’s what a majority on here have done (I’m absolutely gobsmacked!)

If OP was a man, I’m not sure he’d have the same responses.

At the moment he thinks he’s married to someone faithful, who loves him and wouldn’t dream of hurting him. He’s not married to that woman. Tell him- he has a right to know the person he is married to. He can then make an informed decision as to whether that’s the person he wants to stay with.

If I did what you’ve done, I wouldn’t come on mumsnet in search of opinions to make me feel better about keeping quiet. I would’ve told him by now. Telling him isn’t the thing that may break up the family, you doing it in the first place, is the thing that may break up the family. If you didn’t do it, there would be nothing to tell.

InSpainTheRain · 19/08/2023 12:06

If you are 100% sure the guy will not say anything then keep your mouth shut and try to block out the guilt. But you must never speak of it - online (yes includes here, to a friend even if you think they won't tell, tell no one).

Obviously what many people will tell you to do is tell your husband. But that will probably blow your whole world apart and you'll end up splitting or the relationship will never fully recover even if you stay together.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 12:06

There’s also the issue of the woman on the course who left the room.

I’d bet several pounds she has a fair idea that something happened.

ladyvivienne · 19/08/2023 12:07

100% agree with your sister. Shut up. Move on. You deal with the guilt. Why on earth wreck everything and upset lots of other people for no other reason than confessing and making yourself feel better it's not a secret anymore?

Nah. It was a mistake. Put it behind you. Telling him would be selfish.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 12:07

InSpainTheRain · 19/08/2023 12:06

If you are 100% sure the guy will not say anything then keep your mouth shut and try to block out the guilt. But you must never speak of it - online (yes includes here, to a friend even if you think they won't tell, tell no one).

Obviously what many people will tell you to do is tell your husband. But that will probably blow your whole world apart and you'll end up splitting or the relationship will never fully recover even if you stay together.

She’s already opened her mouth to her sister… The genie is out the bottle

MsRosley · 19/08/2023 12:08

If you can hand on heart say there is nothing wrong with your relationship, I'd keep quiet and live with the guilt.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:09

My view is that a relationship always needs informed consent. At the moment your DH does not have honest, accurate information about his marriage to you. From the moment you cheated any meaningful consent was void.
*
DH needs to know, so that he can make an informed choice about whether or not to continue his marriage with you.
*
Those who would keep it secret do not love or respect their partners. No, they deceive them and remove their agency. It is coercive.

Exactly. I'd be pissed off about the affair to put it mildly but I'd be far more upset by my cheating partner having the audacity to remove my right to make an informed decision from me by withholding that knowledge from me.

I'm disgusted that so many people are advocating that the OP should do that. It's despicable. The act of deliberately not telling a partner makes people a far bigger piece of shit than the affair itself. That so many selfish people think it's ok to remove that choice of whether or not to continue the relationship is shocking.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:09

MsRosley · 19/08/2023 12:08

If you can hand on heart say there is nothing wrong with your relationship, I'd keep quiet and live with the guilt.

No nothing wrong except OP is happy to lie to him for the rest of their marriage and shag other men with fiancées.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 12:09

The only reason to tell your husband is to unburden yourself so you don’t feel guilty any more. It’ll likely devastate him and may end your marriage and affect your children. Do you want to risk that just to make yourself feel better ? If you’ve learned by it, resolve to never put yourself in that situation again, and move on. You’ll have to live with the guilt - if you want to protect your family that’s the price you pay for being unfaithful.

DarkDarkNight · 19/08/2023 12:10

I wouldn’t say anything. You’re not in contact anymore, you feel awful, why tear your family apart?

You don’t even know if he has always been faithful to you. Nothing good will come of telling him.

MsRosley · 19/08/2023 12:10

People make mistakes, @Rainydays777 - except for you, of course.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:10

Nah. It was a mistake. Put it behind you. Telling him would be selfish.

No what's fucking selfish is removing the choice from her partner. He has a right to know and a right to decide if he wants to continue the relationship.

K8ate · 19/08/2023 12:11

SirVixofVixHall · 19/08/2023 12:02

I do agree with this, as my good friend did the same at a weak point in her marriage when they were arguing a lot, but twenty five years later she is still happily together with her DH, they had another baby, they are a close couple, she hasn’t repeated her mistake.
Sometimes telling is a way of passing on the guilt. People make stupid, thoughtless mistakes, and if it is a genuine one-off-never-to-be-repeated then learn from it .
I do however think that you need to ask yourself how it got to that point and why. Are you hitting peri menopause? Hormonally and emotionally that can be difficult. If something like that, personal to you, is the reason then think about it. If it is more of a marriage issue, then address that.

Show quote history

And on the other hand, she probably doesn’t feel guilt.
She simply enjoyed the pleasure of having a new experience of a different penis inside her without actually being found out.
When it actually boils down to it and we push aside the nitty gritty of it - for what other reason do you actually desire sex other than to get that full filled sensation?

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 12:12

People make mistakes, @Rainydays777 - except for you, of course.

An affair is not a mistake. It's a choice that was made.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:12

MsRosley · 19/08/2023 12:10

People make mistakes, @Rainydays777 - except for you, of course.

I didn’t say I don’t mistakes, but I’d never cheat on someone I’d profess to love and then remove their informed consent as whether to continue in the relationship and then go on to live a lie, no.

if a man did this, it wouldn’t be a ‘mistake’.

shagging someone else isn’t a mistake. It’s a decision.

rockingbird · 19/08/2023 12:12

You cheated, you tell all. How would you feel if your husband hid this sort of thing? The fact you e hidden this ever since is bloody awful in itself, your husband has a right to know and you'll never forgive yourself hiding this for the rest of your days.

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 12:12

[Bookmarks this page for when a man comes here saying he cheated and gets slammed]

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