I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

Or can you find some other parents in the area who will share the driving / school run ?

I don't see this ending well

Close the business
Get a job near the school
Rent or buy somewhere near the school
Start again

What a fantastic life you have! 4 hour round trips for school runs, son who doesn’t get home till the evening meal is probably eaten! Husband who has moved you all from a beautiful barn conversion to a cramped, dark and possibly dank farmhouse, in the middle of nowhere and does he also expect you to mow the lawn? Or perhaps, he’s on an energy saving, low carbon style of living where you just use a sickle? Or maybe nail scissors to cut all the grass! Then of course, you are a company director in an industry that you hate! It all sounds so amazing /s.

It sounds bloody awful, imagine running out of bread and having to either bake your own, or drive half an hour to the nearest shop! No thank you.

I suppose that the upside to small rooms might be that at least you can clean them quickly! Or does he do the cleaning because I can’t imagine that with a 4 hour per day school run, you have much time left!

And what time do you get up in the morning? Do the kids have time for breakfast? And what about having friends over for play dates after school? Is there any public transport?

Perhaps your husband gets up an hour earlier than the rest of you to make sure a hearty breakfast is ready, or to prepare cereal, toast etc., for the kids and you?

Does husband do the evening meal since presumably you are driving back from school? And does he also run the business or is it a complete non-compete contract so that he cannot do any of the work and it falls to you? Seriously, if your husband was just going to start another business, doing the same/similar thing then why on earth did he sell his old (presumably successful from the sounds of it) business?

You’ve made, or should I say there have been, a lot of awful and horrid changes (unless you secretly love farming?? Which I’m not seeing anywhere) because husband wants! I don’t see where your needs or desires come into your marriage at all! So husband wanted a new car? His dream car! Well, why couldn’t you have had your dream car? Let me guess, you have to drive the taxi old car for the school runs because husband thinks it more reliable? Or he had paid so much it was more economical for you to have the old car? And the farmhouse idea? Yeah, nah, that doesn’t work for me. At. All. Might be different if you were like Tom and Barbara Good, but even they lived in the suburbs!

I wonder when the last time was that you can honestly say that your husband really, properly, considered your feelings? You feel trapped and anxious and the person who should notice this the most, is running about doing what exactly? Maybe I’m being unfair and in reality he’s doing everything but I don’t think so!

You need to tell your husband how you feel, get some marriage counselling, both together and separately and tell husband straight, you hate the farmhouse, the 4 hour per day school runs (!!!!) aren’t working for you, you’re not able to spend quality time with DS because he gets home so late and probably exhausted, and you don’t enjoy, or even like, having to do what’s needed for the company that he wanted to start!

It doesn’t matter if you will eventually be richer than the Sultan of Brunei (I hope I’m not setting that bar too low), money isn’t everything and a husband who can afford to do all the things that your husband is doing, and unilaterally from the sounds of it, doesn’t need more money! For what? To have £50 notes lining his coffin? Or to wear a custom made Chanel/Dior/insert name of designer of choice, suit when he dies? To have a state funeral?

My point is, that’s no one knows what’s around the corner and it’s perhaps better to have a less luxurious life and be happy then to have to live in circumstances where you’re trapped and anxious, just to make other people happy, whilst you sink into a pit of despair!

And the worst thing for me, when I read your OP? Your husband doesn’t seem to notice your sheer despair! Is he really so selfish and self absorbed that it’s all me, myself and I with him? I really feel for you and wish I could do more (like give your husband the telling off that he so much deserves) 💐

Going back to your OP, you haven't created this life for yourself. Your DH has.

@Lifemistake I have read all your posts, some pp, not RTFT.

It seems like you are losing your sense of self. Your individuality is important and so is your husband’s and children’s individuality. Sometimes we sacrifice some of it to create a life together and make room for each other. But we shouldn’t lose all of it.

Quote from an article:

Women especially tend to lose themselves in relationships due to cultural conditioning. In fact, even in good relationships, we may do this out of love, not fear. We compromise ourselves slowly often in imperceptible ways, unaware that losing our Self risks our greatest despair.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202010/how-we-lose-ourselves-in-relationships?amp

Hi OP,
First of all you need to stop thinking you are so lucky/should be grateful….

Yes it sounds like your family have material wealth - great so far… but it doesn’t sound like you get any say in how you spend it. I don’t envy you or your son living an hour from school. I used to be able to walk my son to the local school and he could play on the park opposite the school at the end of the day with friends. I miss feeling that connection to the school and area with my youngest because he has to go to a special school 10 minutes drive away.

You should be influencing how your money is spent (i.e. house choice) to make you happy not just your husband. I’m sure your child would be delighted to live within 10 minutes of school and much more likely to be able to play with friends. Any older children will also enjoy facilities - shops, parks and at the right age pubs.

It is horrendous that you don’t feel safe in your bedroom and there are easy improvements such as going down a floor but you are worried about your partners feelings (reaction?) This is crazy. He is a grown man, ex military at that but his feelings will be hurt if his wife needs a different bedroom from his choice. Tell him to get a bloody grip. Move rooms and he can follow or stay put. His and hers rooms sounds lovely to me. I’d get moved nearer the school anyway so bedroom issue is temporary - but don’t buy a house you don’t like again - say no! If he pushed a house you said would cause you trauma that is disgusting but from your post it sounds like you might be very passive and say it’s ok.

The business - I thought you had retired in your first sentence? Why are you setting up a business if you don’t need to and don’t want to? Again say no!

Another quote from the same article and something to really consider:

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are interdependent. There is give and take, respect for each other’s needs and feelings, and are able to settle conflict through authentic communication. Decisions and problem-solving are collaborative. Assertiveness is key. Negotiations are not a zero-sum game.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202010/how-we-lose-ourselves-in-relationships?amp

If it’s any consolation I wouldn’t be happy in your shoes either so you’re not coming across as unreasonable

I’d be honest and let him know that his health scare has made him very, very selfish. He needs to either stop minimizing and devaluing you, your feelings and what you do to carry the relationship and family, or let you go so that you CAN be happy. You hate the house. You’ve tried. It didn’t work. You hate living in Whoop Whoop (Aussie term for the middle of nowhere) and so do the kids. It’s not practical of feasible. 4hr drive, pack of social life, extra-curricular activities. You’re lonely and isolating the kids is causing resentment too. You HATE the business you never asked for. You shouldn’t have to be running that AND doing all the driving, etc. You’re exhausted, depressed and things need to change before YOU end up having a frightening health episode that forces you to evaluate your life.

As an aside, the new co being in your name is still a breach of the terms under which he sold his old business (if that sale agreement was drafted in the usual way). So he should watch out, as the new owners could sue him for everything that the new co makes whilst he is still meant to be out of the game...

This is great advice. I’ve nothing to add but I just wanted to say that the title of your thread is wrong. You haven’t created a life you dislike, you have capitulated to a life you dislike in order to please others. I just wanted to take a moment to say that it’s easily done but you deserve a life and home that you are happy with too. Your needs matter as much as those of your dh.

Gently, I think the house situation might be symptomatic of a huge problem in your relationship. My dh has his moments and we both like to get our own way but I can’t imagine either of us ever pushing to move into a house that the other had expressed doubts about. Your home should be your sanctuary, you shouldn’t be in a situation where you are triggered by it or trying to get used to it. Your dh actually seems quite self-centred and if he can’t or won’t see how unhappy you are then I think that in the long run you are better off without him.

I agree with not showing dh this thread.

You haven't created this you've allowed it. Time for change.

It doesn’t sound idyllic at all. I would hate to live in the arse end of nowhere, no matter how pretty it is.

I think the advice @GarlicGrace gave was brilliant @Lifemistake

HOWEVER if it were me, before you call this meeting, also create your own contingency plan. So in the event that your meeting with husband doesn’t yield the results you desire, you already have a plan b as it were and won’t be left in shock or floundering. Don’t tell him your plan B.

Given how efficient he comes across and his military training as well as him being the decision maker he will always have a plan. Always. You may just not know. So whatever you are going to do, make sure you have a solid back up plan and money to be able to move how YOU want should he decide that he’s not going to make the necessary compromises for the benefit of everyone.

Good luck

You sound incredibly passive. And your husband sounds like a bully.

It is definitely time for a change. 💐

A daily 4 hour round trip? Fuck that. Poor you, poor kids.

This sounds utterly shit. I don't care how much money you have it's still shit.

Me too. This post resonates so much.

I think I’m worried that if I put my foot down and say I’ve had enough and I want to move, that DH might just say it’s not worth it and will show me that I’m not important to him

living in a marriage where you've got no agency and you fear DH telling you the worst, that your views, fears and concerns are not important to him, does not make you "lucky on paper". You're kidding yourself.

I don't quite understand how you'd look at a potential new house and not think 'it's too far from school, maybe in a few years time.' Did you not think of that at the time, or just not say anything?

You’re living in a gilded cage and are too far from anything to really have a life or work so are trapped in the middle of nowhere in a house you dislike. Of course you’re unhappy!

You shouldn’t have agreed to move in the first place as the writing for this was clearly on the wall. A lot of men are naturally very selfish and it wouldn’t have occurred to DH to not move into the house unless you made your feelings very clear beforehand. Suggest you insist on changing now and consider whether it is worth staying with DH if he refuses (or perhaps you and DC could live somewhere else during the week and just come back at weekends).

Haven't read all 9 pages but "fortunate" and "lucky"?!

Your life sounds like my idea of hell.

He has a lovely life.

You don't.

Your son doesn't.

Your needs matter, you are not being princessy.

It sounds like he is yiur father and you are his little child that can't make decisions on its own ( he's quite a lot older than you, right?!)

Time to emancipate yourself and also get a counsellor

Also, 4 hours in a car each day is insane and really bad for the environment.

The way you feel is totally valid and if you're unhappy that you need to act upon it.

If your husband truly loves you, he will not want you to live in the "perfect" house eventhough it triggers your trauma.

He might be the boss in his business, but he's not thr boss in your marriage!