I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

Yuck. That commute.

This is a fantastic idea.

I do feel sorry for your son, OP. How is he feeling about the intense isolation, and 2 hours a day in the car?

Gobimanchurian that's what I was going to suggest-rent near the school-stuff it!

2 hours twice a day.

Yes.

Where does this “spoilt princess” stuff come from? Him?

You didn’t say how many live at the house

You’d be happier closer to school so would DS.

Add in he’s getting older, and you arnt close to services like the hospital / doctors/ even friends

Are people avoiding coming to your dream house because of distance?

Sounds very isolated and a 4 hour trip to and from school is really shit for your child and awful for you. I think I’d be demanding a house nearer to civilisation.

List time OP.. Write a list - things you want for you. A house by the sea, to publish a book, a fucking parrot, anything. And then talk to your husband about the things. What can you get done in the next few months from the list? What within the year? And to any objections, remember, everyone gets a turn of being put first. You put the children first as long as they are children. Do what you can around them and then...

You say your life sounds idyllic but not one part of driving four hours a day for a school run sounds idyllic at all for me. I was put in a situation where I was forced to go on very long school runs for a month or so and it was the most hellish month I can remember and makes me feel stressed just thinking about it.

No one on this thread is saying that the description of your life sounds idyllic, so be honest with yourself that you're in a very stressful living situation and stop trying to force yourself to be happy in it. It will give you more mental space to stand up for yourself and make changes. Trying to fake happiness is exhausting.

“This is how it feels, like I’m living in someone else’s dream life and I don’t fit somehow. But I feel ungrateful for saying that because like someone else said, on paper and in photos it looks idyllic.”

That’s nobody dream life darling, I am still single for that reason. My ex wanted that life and a big paddock for his horses, he was more than 10 years older than me and wanted early retirement. He didn’t give a shit if it didn’t work for me, he didn’t give a shit that it was a terrible thing for teenagers, he didn’t give a shit that was going to isolate EVERYONE from friends and family, and he didn’t give a shit that leaving in such place was very triggering for me due to past (and present) traumatic experiences.

Fortunately, a previous divorce and subsequent years of counselling and support from an association who helps women dealing with domestic abuse I managed to find the courage to leave him, at some point I realised that even the bloody horses were a much higher priority than his child, mine or myself (disclaimer, I have never been a battered woman but I had learnt to put up with a lot of selfishness and having my needs neglected I was totally brainwashed to put his needs and everyone’s before me)

If nobody has suggested the Freedom Program, google it. You are in an abusive relationship alone in the middle of nowhere, you need to find the strength, courage and support to break free. But worry not, it may be as simple as taking yourself and your child and two bags of clothes to someone who cares about you and never come back. You are still young enough to rebuild your life.

You’ve got lots of replies OP and I hope it’s reassured you you are valid in feeling how you do. Just wanted to really point out that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with having emotions. Logic is not some sort of alternative to emotions and higher up the rankings of acceptable of something. A lot of men in particular take that attitude but it’s wrong - we ALL have emotions and you have to deal with some terrifying ones every day. For that matter we ALL have logical minds as well - but there is this idea that women are emotional and men logical and it’s so damaging.

Emotions are not lesser and if your husband takes the attitude he is somehow higher ranking or his choices and needs are more valid than yours because he identifies more with his logic than his emotions - that’s an issue.

4 hours a day driving.

Get a driver.

I have kids of a similar ge. What about your sons friendships? It must be awkward if he is invited to friends houses/parties or if wants to go to football/rugby training etc with his classmates at weekends.

Op I know you feel it comes across as first world problems. It does not. You have every right to feel that way and not being in a financial bind does not discount that. You have got to find a way to start putting your needs first You matter too. Talk to him it sounds as if maybe a good talk is in order. About the sex abuse and higher floors. You tried and it did not work. I was left my parents home where my sister and I were also abused and had horrible memories. I tried for over 2 years and every day was hell. I sold that sucker even though everyone said COL crisis you'll regret it. Nope not even for a second and I believe my parents would understand. Also 4 hour school runs to quote another poster...F that

Your husband really is a benevolent tyrant, isn't he? And you're so afraid to 'rock the boat'. Why, OP? Why aren't you insisting at the very least that he does the bloody school run? Why are you being so passive?

Dh loves me, I know that, but he’s used to getting his own way in business and people doing what he says. I think I’ve fallen into that trap too, which is bizarre as I used to be a badass. I don’t know where I lost my way with all this.

I do have sympathy with this. My partner is the eldest son, and head of his business. He's got very used to people not contradicting him when he says stupid shit. However, this does not stop me pointing out that he is a) saying stupid shit and b) I'm not going to kowtow to it. Let's just say it's an ongoing project, but there is absolutely no way on earth that he could get away with the crap your husband is pulling.

You are living a dream life. But it’s your husbands dream life.

Why can’t he do at least one of the school runs each day?

On the agenda at the meeting if he doesn’t think the 4 hours in the car is an issue, propose he tries doing both trips for at least a couple of weeks and then come back with a debrief.

That's just plain common sense.. FOUR hours spend driving?? Bloody hell, become a National Express Coach Driver- they probably don't do much more than that!
Many years ago I saw a TV programme about a motorcyclist {Male} who travelled the world.
He visited a woman {married} who had a perfect house, perfect garden, perfect life..but she was so unhappy.

That really stuck with me.

If you hate the life- tell your husband- surely you can move again to somewhere less remote and where the school run is a ten minute drive.

It is FOUR hours- Think about it- you take DC top school- come back- then return to0 pick them up - come back.

That's four hours. {Unless work is right next to the school}

But you don't have a lovely life? You drive 4 hours a day. You live in a house you don't like that triggers your ptsd. You work a job you don't enjoy.

None of that sounds lovely? You have an incredibly selfish husband. I can't see how any of that equals love from his side.

Only read your posts, op, not all the replies but I think it's safe to say they're all on your side, as am I.

now that, but he’s used to getting his own way in business and people doing what he says. = another way of saying someone is controlling.

I had one of these too. And yes, good people can be controlling. I was equally miserable living someone else's life.

Things got rocky when I started resisting the power imbalance. When I went along with it, our relationship was glorious.

Good men will seek to change their behaviour but its hard work.

You are not only allowed, but you are entitled, to build a life that works for you as well.

Stop the drive. While he is doing it each day spend time doing something for you

Your posts are all about what DH likes / loves / wants. And full of your worries about upsetting him, rocking the boat. You really need to start exploring why you feel he has to get everything he wants all the time, while you just get smaller and smaller in the relationship.

This is no way to live. You deserve more. You are not put on this earth just to be a conduit for someone else. Your H sounds rather selfish and only focused on what he wants.

I think it’s time that you make yourself heard. Stop agreeing to everything he wants. Start by selling the car you don’t like and getting one that you do. Why should DH have his choice but you don’t?

If you can , move out of the bedroom to one on a lower floor. Tell him you tried but it’s not working so no more third floor, thank you very much.

Stop doing the school runs. Tell him that the journey length is not sustainable and you want to agree a plan to move to a home that you love as well as him. Tell him you want a life where you can have agency, can go and do things that you choose (and not him) and which don’t take hours to get to. Tell him it’s no life for your son, who will want more independence as he gowns up.

If your H cares for you at all, he will listen and be willing to compromise. I know you are scared that perhaps he wants his house and life and things more than he wants you. But isn’t it better to face up to this and whatever the outcome, start carving out the life that’s best for you?

Oh yes, and important point:

Someone who dismisses the ptsd and how it impacts you, is content to let you just "try" and see how you go - doesn't care enough.

If he's ex military especially he should know better.

I bet he's wonderful company, charming, driven, fun and reliable...But when has he ever priories you and your needs?

In a marriage, you should be cherished.

I see no cherishing.

*prioritised

Drive child to school

Get a job in that school or near the school
Collect child
Drive home

Secondly, buy your own car