I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

I made OH move to civilization even though he loved the old house and lots of land because my teenage son was so isolated. When we sold our business and OH retired to his bliss which was the house, his boat and shooting which left me rattling around alone a lot. It was a possible marriage breaker but I was done. He still threatens now and again to bugger off to the middle of nowhere alone. I ignore especially as he's added a cycling hobby and a Fitbit since lockdown and buggers off on it to his boat.

He's had some health issues due to the wear and tear of age, shoulder and knees. So I made the right call.

@Lifemistake what I would suggest is that you find an Airbnb and rent that for a short period off season rather than be tied to a tenancy. See how it goes. You can go back to this old House at weekends or whenever you want.

The school run sounds ghastly and isn’t good for your children either . We rejected a lovely house we saw years ago as it would have meant a long school bus ride for my dc every day. Ditto we rejected a house I loved as DH didn’t like it.
If you aren’t happy, how is anyone else happy ? Specifically your husband ? If DH was miserable, driving back and forth to school for four hours every day, living in terror in our bedroom, I couldn’t be happy either.
Of course there are always compromises with houses, but this is so clearly not working for you, and not really working for your dc, that it seems madness to stay there. How can it be your DH’s dream house for him and his family, if it only works for him ? Living remotely can be really crap for teenagers. My DH grew up in a remote area, but not as far from the school as you are, and it was lonely and difficult with friendships, particularly in the Winter when it was too far to cycle.
You need to reach a true compromise, something that works as well as possible for all of you, and this really isn’t it .

You have been married long enough to know that happy marriage stands on compromise (and love of course).

I see no compromise in your life now.
You are making all the concessions.

This never works except in a happy martyr +happy saint combination (and those went out of fashion early in biblical times... except for a brief revival in 1950s fiction)

Giving in on everything isn't good for you AND it isn't good for him either (you said he married a 'bad-ass' and loved a woman who knew her worth)

Yes to a talk. Be solid and rational but give weight to the important of feeling too. Be clear.

Pre talk think:
What can you change that suits you and has no effect on anyone else? (Do that now.)
What must change if you are to survive?
What can you concede?
What really matters to each of you?

Be strong. What you feel and want is of equal importance to what he feels and wants. (You are a fellow officer in this marriage.) Be fair to him AND fair to yourself.

Why is every one saying the school run is 4 hours ? OP said 1 hour each way - that is 2 hours.. it's still long.

I'd get OH to do the run one week and you the next - so at least it is even (or one drop and one collect)

Or sell the house and move nearer - there is no way i'd live on the top story - if you feel as you describe can you not move lower

Is there a way to improve the house - create the feel you want if you can't move?

whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

I'll do it!

4 hours driving- at the very least, you should have a car you love.
Interesting that his dream car means you have one you don’t like. His ‘dream house’ is one which you don’t like, greatly inconveniences you. And means his son has a long, tiring day.
And a ‘dream bedroom’?? From a military man who has had to adapt to living in loads of different spaces? How can he even look you in the eye and say that?

These are not small things OP. This is control and manipulation.

do you have other dc at home?

You have to stop thinking of your life as 'idyllic' for some. It doesn't matter if it's idyllic for your DH, there are lots of us on here explaining exactly why your life doesn't sound idyllic to us. It's a bit like giving a vegan a gorgeous cream cake and then saying they're ungrateful if they don't eat it. Presenting someone with something that meets none of their needs and wants, and is actively bad for them - well, that isn't a gift.
We moved to the country during Covid. DH had always wanted to live there. I'm a city girl but everything was closed during Covid anyway so I said we could give it a try. As we started to come out of lockdown, I explained to DH why it didn't work for me. We're actively looking to move.
You won't know if your DH doesn't care or just doesn't hear you. You need to make him hear you. If the formal meeting approach doesn't work, try writing to him explaining why this life and house aren't working for you.
I think the difference in your ages (and the fact you have dedicated yourself to Dh and your DC) means you're at different life stages. It's fine for your DH to want to retire but you're not ready to be put out to pasture. If anything, this is the point where DH should support you. It's your turn. It's also not uncommon for women at your age to suddenly realise they've been ignoring their wants and needs. Every single one of my friends re-evaluated in their early or mid 40s. It manifested in different ways including house moves, career changes, going back to study. You need to claim this time for you.

I think I’m struggling to force changes because I can see on paper how lucky we are, and I feel a bit like a spoiled brat saying I’m unhappy. I feel like I should be happy.

You're not lucky because you haven't got any say or choice so of course you feel sad.

Four hours driving a day would genuinely make me weep. That is absolutely NOT tenable. You share the school run though right? You go dont you?

Where were your wishes in all this decision making about selling and houses and the Like?

You're trapped in a gilded cage - just because it looks pretty doesn't mean it is comfortable

You deserve better than this

Because you go, drop off, come home...then do it again to bring the DS home. That's how it's 4 hours!

Men don't predict feelings like we do or actively think of anyone but themselves. I find if you want something you have to absolutely put your foot down and fight for it. Be a bitch if necessary.
Its time to do that.

I studied with a lady whose life was very much like yours sounds. I used to wonder why she never spoke about her family/home life, until I realised that ours was the only space in which she was visible. She said she felt that it was her husband's life and she was just along for the ride. To others, myself included, her life was amazing and she was incredibly fortunate, but I came to feel very sad for her. She learnt to use her "I" for the first time and it rocked her family boat for a while. They came to realise what an integral part she played in the smooth-running of their lovely home/lives, and she learnt to acknowledge and express her own needs by taking some time to find herself.

Your husband doesn't get to make your life choices alone, you are both part of a family, and to be a healthy part of that nobody gets to make blanket decisions for all, and no-one gets a cloak of invisibility. I really like Garlic's approach, and would toss in the idea of a family discussion of pros and cons etc, whereby each member gets to say what they think/feel/would like with no feedback given at the time, but everyone heard. A daily 5 minute rotation around a table can open up all sorts of discussions, and you all get to learn/know each other better. Best of luck in your re-emergence, not as a wife or a Mum, but as you. Time to reclaim your identity!

Love this answer 😂

Bloody hell. It's your experience of CSA that jumped out and your husband's insistence that you buy the 3 storey house despite your fears! He really doesn't hear you does he?

Have you had any counselling for this?

“I hate it! there’s too many doors in it for my PTSD to cope with before we even get started on it being on the 3rd floor) If I moved to the next floor down tomorrow DH would be hurt”

But he is hurting you! Why don’t you matter?

Please stop calling yourself lucky, spoiled or a princess. It isn’t lucky to have a life that you think other people would envy. And your life doesn’t sound the tiniest bit enviable. Everything revolves around what your husband wants. It was incredibly cruel of him to move you into that house and bedroom when he knows how badly it affects you.

This is how it feels, like I’m living in someone else’s dream life and I don’t fit somehow. But I feel ungrateful for saying that because like someone else said, on paper and in photos it looks idyllic

Sounds like you’ve had some excellent detailed advice already. But I’d just add your choice of the word “grateful” is quite strange. Who do you think you should be feeling grateful toward? Your husband? God? Regardless, using that word to me suggests you may have low self esteem. And you may need to address that to ensure that, once the current situation improves, you don’t start being passive and “grateful” again in the future.

Boarding school is a rapid way to end up with bullied traumatised children who feel abandoned by their parents.

Ur husband has spent a lifetime at work being centred and now he’s doing the same formula that brought him ‘success’ in his Worklife - to home. You are both very young to retire. Your child is too young to be so remote. Your husband is too prominent. So now it’s over to you to say no. And yeah to what is good for you and your kids. I really like that you are still aware of your privilege too - so stop with the guilt and create the life you want - in fact start articulating what you want.

Unpleasant rubbish.

I just wanted to say that you're not being petty and you don't sound spoilt, OP. I think your first step should be to get help for the night terrors etc, which will make it easier for you to be happy. Secondly, make your DH understand how you feel - make some notes, then pick a good time and make him listen and understand that the pair of you need to compromise and find a house that suits you both.

You've received lots of excellent and useful advice OP. This is YOUR life and you only get one shot!

The school run thing is hideous.
My DS ( 15) goes to school 15 minutes away by car. I refuse to do it now. Instead DP and a neighbour do it.

Sit down and think what life YOU would like. Your husband sounds controlling and coercive.

Maybe an unfair generalisation, but seems true for this particular specimen.

You do have a lot more power than you realise OP. If you decided to separate and find your own life your DH would lose more than you. You would be able to live in a house you liked near to school and shops and friends and activities. You could choose your own car and work as you choose. DH would lose his dream house and bedroom ( unless you are so rich he could still afford it on 50% of your joint money) He would also lose the new business without you to run it. He would be rattling around on his own and not spending much time with his DC.
I’m not advocating the nuclear option but don’t think you are powerless.