I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

The only way that you are fortunate is that it seems you have the resources to change the situation.

The company thing sounds madness.

He's practising/trading in what he shouldn't but pretending it's you?

If he didn't like retirement why couldn't he get a job-because he can't/won't work for someone else?

So for him you live where you don't want to, sleep in a room that triggers PTSD, do a job that you don't like & drive 4hrs a day in a car you don't like?

I mean we all/most like things our own way but not at such detriment to others!

Move your bedroom this week. It's a really small thing to immediately stop or counter a huge trauma for you.

Change the car.

Tell your DH he is doing one school run a day.

I get it's very hard for you to feel you can raise these things, but raise them. It's so important. They are all really basic things really. He's not king of the house and his preferences do not get to trump yours.

I would rethink the flat idea. A bit of time and space away from the situation would help and it’d be a break from the house you hate. Plus it’d show your husband that it’s really not working for you or your son. It may be the house in the middle of nowhere isn’t quite as pleasant when he’s on his own there four nights a week.

Otherwise I completely agree with other posters regarding assertiveness training and/or counselling. Your husband doesn’t sound good but unless you strongly communicate your needs how is he meant to know?

If the relationship doesn’t work with you having some of your needs met then it’s not one you should be in.

None of this sounds lucky. It sounds awful. Material well-being does not make up for every other kind of well-being.

'can see on paper how lucky we are, and I feel a bit like a spoiled brat saying I’m unhappy. I feel like I should be happy.'

I feel like this too OP. I experienced CSA too and I think when we 'achieve' a normal or even a fantastic life we think we should be grateful as we are no longer trapped in absolute hell. Unfortunately I am not sure you can fake it until you make it with contentment and happiness. We can count our blessings but you can't force yourself to be content/happy if you aren't...how can you feel what you don't feel? I have tried, even convinced myself that I am happy but it won't stick until you listen to yourself properly, show up and assert yourself. You, that yourself you always push down and don't listen to, deserves to feel what she feels and deserves to feel better.

This is not petty. Your life sounds awful. The little time you do have for yourself is wasted in the car, or tied up in a company you're in not interested in.

And presumably you'd be trapped doing this school run throughout the teen years? Your 10 year old is not going to thank you for keeping them so isolated in those important growth years towards early adulthood.

Can you make that the sticking point? Say that you have to move to nearer the school?

It sounds like you're in a very good place financially as a family. Can you afford to keep the house and also purchase another one that can be the primary residence during the week?

Take your feelings seriously. I grew up in the middle of nowhere against my mum's judgement and my dad was always out at work. She ended up having an huge breakdown from the isolation and was mentally unwell for ages.

Ask him to do or at least share the school runs from Sept. why should you be doing them all when he is 'retired' although I think as PP said he is probably doing the work and breaking the non competition clause. He should be careful.

For your car just tell him you are thinking of changing it. Take a day away from the work you / he does and go to a few showrooms to look at options, have a bit of lunch in town while you are there. Treat it as a fun mini project for you to day dream about what car you want and then find it. Make the choice of car primarily yours - he can advise but it's your choice - and ask him to help you get a good deal when you've worked out what you want.

The co working space near school makes sense if you are still doing school runs in September. Two hours less driving and people, shops, cafes, around you for a change of scene.

Sounds like you are always at home (including when working) or driving. Do you have friends you could socialize with? Do you do fun things with your son at weekends etc? You should discuss with DH how life might change as your son's social needs increase.

Also if you are in the middle of nowhere with your husband - you are going to be stuck with him for socialising too it seems- and I wonder if a lack of anyone to see/anything to do outside the home is contributing to you feeling that you can't ever 'pipe up' - as he's your whole world- not part of it. It's not healthy OP but I'm sure you are well aware of that and it's awful for older children too. You keep talking about 'lucky' but the only way I think you are lucky is as someone else said having the assets to be able to change it or to even get out the marriage altogether. He's a very selfish chap

OP, do you have family you could stay with? Parents?

Honestly, draw up a life plan, which allow you to make little changes here and there. These can then become bigger changes when the time comes, to allow you to be happy.

Life is too short to be miserable.
Your post is all about what your husband wants and nothing about what you want.

Just another one chiming in that "fortunate", and "spoilt" are not words that I would use to describe this relationship.

It is an awful relationship where your DH gets everything he wants and you get very little. All the money in the world doesn't change that.

The fact that you are afraid to communicate what it is that you really want for fear of upsetting DH, and you seem almost to be walking on eggshells around him, if anything suggests an abusive relationship.

I wonder if all these words of "fortunate", "spoilt", "first world problems" "grateful" etc are in fact coming from him, and he is gaslighting you into not seeing what we are all seeing.

Nobody, but nobody, wants a four hour commute each day (first or third world). That it is in a Jaguar makes no difference (and the fact you don't like a Jaguar makes it worse, as it means it is an even more unpleasant drive).

Nobody wants to live in a house or bedroom that triggers their trauma.

Nobody wants to be forced to do a job they don't want to do. People (first and third world) do it because they really need the money, and there is no alternative. And people in the first world put a lot of effort into looking for a job that they would prefer, lucky people have that alternative. Nor do most people want to be drawn into what seems to be an illegal arrangement by their spouse against their will.

Very few people want to live isolated from people, and that particularly includes children and teenagers. But it is the classic move of an abuser in an abusive relationship that the wife/one being abused is isolated from anything that might give her support and enable her to escape. Only you can work out if this is your DH's intention, but if it isn't he is doing a really good job of mimicking an abusive relationship unintentionally.

This does not read as a fortunate relationship, even on paper. This reads as an abusive relationship. Maybe your DH is not intending this. Maybe it is your passivity that has enabled this. You will only know once you start pushing back and you see his response. If once you communicate he can see how lopsided this relationship is and is willing to change, maybe he is just a self centred twat.

Otherwise, I am afraid you seem to be describing an abusive relationship. They happen in the first world too, and even the most wealthy parts of it. But nobody is envious of that, despite the money.

think I’m worried that if I put my foot down and say I’ve had enough and I want to move, that DH might just say it’s not worth it and will show me that I’m not important to him

Me again.

I think this is your gut instinct telling you that your husband really doesn't care that much about you. I'm sorry, but nothing in his behaviour suggests he cares even a little bit. We show care through many different little ways, not just big gestures. From what you've said, I don't think you even get the little gestures.

My advice: it's make or break. He gets one chance to prove you wrong. Either he fully commits to permanent changes or you make a permanent change of your own

As per all the previous posts, you’re not being unreasonable at all. For all the suggestions of getting him to do the school run, it doesn’t really matter if he’d like to do it or not, the important thing is that it is too much for YOU. And that is enough for you to not want to have to do it anymore.

Please be gentle with yourself OP… but do be your old badass self with him.

@Lifemistake this is a simple fix.

You sit you DH down and tell him that you are done living a life he designed for you and that you will be making changes. He can either come with you or he can stay.

You then go find a new home closer to DS school that makes you feel like you are home. You move into that property. Be it a rental or bought home - it is YOUR home. DH can move too. There are always compromises ie village that feels rural for him but is active enough for you or he can stay where he is.

Stick the business out for another 2 years so you can benefit financially and then hand it over to DH.

During that time, figure out what YOU want to do and be. Then pursue that.

Get rid of the car and buy one YOU want.

Stop setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. Get selfish for once and just act. If you dither or seek approval, DH will talk you down or tell you that you can't afford it. Rubbish!

Only you can make these changes.

I wonder if all these words of "fortunate", "spoilt", "first world problems" "grateful" etc are in fact coming from him, and he is gaslighting you into not seeing what we are all seeing.

Yep. That was my question. I think this may be how he shuts OP down.

One more thing OP.
Please consider your DC in all of this.

We live in a town with not so great amenities and schools. DS now 15, absolutely resents the fact that we didn't send him to the local ( rubbish)secondary . We are semi rural but have 3 supermarkets, gym, pool, coffee shop and a few basic shops ( Argos, Boots, B&M, macdonalds etc) He resents the fact that we always have to drive him to school ( 15 minutes away) so your DC can't be happy. My DS when he gets home at 3.30 is straight down the gym, then does his MMA. He even gets a train to another town to do another sport.

My point being, living rurally can be tough on the kids. When mine were little they all bundled into our garden and played. As they grew older, things changed and the resentment set in.

Luckily DS has a couple of local mates and DD is off to Uni next month. She actually did fine with rural living ( using buses and trains though)

Somehow you need to be strong to change life for yourself and DC.

Two hours in the morning, two hours again in the afternoon. Four hours everyday.

Ahh yes- 4 hours a day (I was thinking a 4 hour straight drive)

That is crazy - is there not a nearer school?

@Lifemistake how are you?

Sell your car and buy the car you want. You don't need permission to do that. Can you either pay someone to do the school run once a day or share it with your husband so he does one way and you do the other?
Alternatively get a job, that you like, near the school so you go there, stay there, and then come home with DS. Doesn't sound like you enjoy being home anyway and it would save you 2 hours of driving.

I don’t think you sound spoiled or lucky either op

you are living HIS dream life
not yours
and it’s eating away at your soul every day
of course it is

The thing to determine is will he compromise and meet halfway ?

as this isn’t sustainable

How long have your kids been at the school? Would you consider moving them to a closer, perhaps state school? That school run is crazy.

Haven’t RTFT but are you aware that you fronting his company is tax evasion. Your idyllic lifestyle funded by shares disposed in a favourable way. Apart from that you are a pushover and need to stand up for yourself. He needs you to keep the company running. If voicing your concerns ends the marriage it wasn’t really a marriage to begin with.

You don't sound lucky at all.

You read as a very sad woman married to a domineering man who cares not a whit for you or his child.

Your MH is fragile.

Your priorities are completely askew.

Your 10 child has a horrifically long day, nearly 12 hours.

I couldn't do that to any child.

Your priorities are not your child, they are to keep a selfish man calm.

I feel very sorry for your child who didn't figure at all in your core plans in choosing where you live.

Definitely seek out some MH support but also think about your poor child.

I wanted to come back and post an update as this thread helped me immensely a few weeks ago, but I was scared of the papers picking it up if I updated. I still am, so the daily mail can fuck off if they read this.

It turns out DH has been having an affair for the last few months, and that’s why I was feeling like I was losing my mind and so unhappy.

We have a long way to go, and I’m a mess, but I feel strangely calmer then I did when I first posted too.

Practically - I’ve moved the bedroom and created a sitting room on the middle floor. I have rearranged all the downstairs too so the living room is now the dining room. Emotionally, I found he had been sending her photos of our house (the views / animals etc) and I have felt so violated by her having an insight into my space. It spurred me to rearrange things and the house weirdly feels more like my home now.

im having counselling, and marriage counselling, and DH is having anger counselling too. All the fucking counselling. She told me to create a life I loved, tell DH if he meets my standards to join my life then that’s all well and good, but if not then that’s his loss and I’m already living my own life.

just a few points people have made I want to clarify - Ds is happy. I promise. His boarding school is also pretty remote so most kids travel a distance and the days are long for them all. He loves his school and his friends, and all he really wishes was different was that he could walk to a shop so he could spend his pocket money. if he was unhappy I would have kicked up a fuss sooner, it was just when it was me that I struggled.

also, we pay tax. It’s not a tax evasion scheme! DH can’t work in his industry under his covenant, but I can. I’m doing the work, I’m paying the taxes. It’s just never been my love
or desire and that was what the problem was, not the legal side of things.

I have more on my plate and I’m struggling, but things are clearer now at the same time which is weird. Thank you all for all your support and for making me feel like I wasn’t losing my mind. I might come back if I need to run more past you guys if that’s okay, but I thought you deserved an update x

Oh OP I’m sorry to hear that, it does make sense having read your thread before. That’s awful especially as he made everything be his way and then was having an affair!! Are you considering staying together?