My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

[Loopjam]

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been.
During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face.
I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move.
I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened.
As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space.

After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years.

I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation.

I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next.
My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

You must have felt threatened ?

It sounds like he was trying to use his body to intimidate you?

Victim blaming again on here I see.

You need to get him out. If he won't go, you and the children need to go.

We could address your violent response. But...

My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I ... slap him across the face.
... he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back.

This is very, very worrying. Was he 'present' in himself, or absent? If he didn't seem fully present you might be living with a very dangerous person.

Mn makes me laugh if a woman gets in a man's face and he slapped her it would definitely be LTB but it's perfectly OK for a woman to slap a man it means she was scared and felt threatened lol

It'll be for the best if you separate.

You were threatened so it is seen as defending yourself which you are allowed to do if someone is threatening/intimating you and you genuinely fear physical violence. Your body told you you did.

He knew you were distressed but didn't move out your face. I would be less worried about your reaction and more worried about your DH thinking it as ok to frighten you like that.

No it's not OK or normal that you hit him and reactions would be so different if the roles were reversed 🙄. He didn't go to hit you he was just close to you, no excuse to hit out.

You've clearly never been in the position where a larger, stronger person was in your face and terrifying you. Good for you.

This exactly. I’ve slapped a man for grabbing my arm and it was completely an instant reflex. I know I wouldn’t have if it was a woman. I would have stepped back or moved her arm off me

I mean it clearly wasn't a reflex the second time you slapped him!

Honestly you both sound bad in this but I'd be worried it's the start of things escalating. Was any explanation give at all?

If you felt threatened, slapping is a normal response. A shove etc yes, but slapping is not a self defence move.

You assaulted your husband.

Here we go again
woman hits man, nothing to see here.

there will be posts saying she felt threatened, posts saying he’s stronger than her so it’s ok, posts saying he deserved it, posts saying it’s his fault.

mumsnet has a blind spot when it comes to violence against men.

@Annaishere Totally agree. it is also the law that you do not need to have touched someone for it to be assault (apologies, I don't know the exact section of the Act but here is a summary)...

Common assault is when a person inflicts violence on someone else or makes them think they are going to be attacked. It does not have to involve physical violence. Threatening words or a raised fist is enough for the crime to have been committed provided the victim thinks that they are about to be attacked.

So the OP was self defence because she was frightened and her body thought she was under attack.

I'm glad to see there are so many women powerfully stronger than men that they wouldn't be frightened at all. They'd have taken the shouting in their face with a smile because hey. no one would let a man slap a woman when she's bigger, stronger than him and intimidating him apparently.

It’s not ok that you slapped him.

Has your relationship ever got physical / aggressive before?
I’m curious about how it escalated to him getting in your face, and escalating further to you slapping him.

Man intimidates and frightens woman, woman is at fault.

Other women think the man was ok to do that to her so yes, it is the usual with MN. Men can do what they like without consequence on here despite the actual law saying otherwise because poor men, they don't know you don't have to physically hit someone to be charged with assault or DV.

How dare they get a reaction for abusive behaviour? She should have given him a cuddle instead.

If he was intimidating you deliberately then i can see why you reacted how you did tbh

Obviously you were in the wrong to physically assault your husband, violence is never the answer and all that, but frankly he was physically intimidating you (and was well aware of that too, no matter what he says now!!) and I can completely understand that you felt you were in danger of a physical attack yourself. He is likely bigger than you and held the ‘higher ground’ so to speak.
All that said, I don’t think it’s possible to come back from something like this if he is completely unable to see he was also in the wrong. I know the general advice is that you can never get over physical violence, but if you both felt truly awful about what happened and both accepted you were in the wrong, I believe counselling would be beneficial. As it is tho..

You were both in the wrong.

I agree, best to separate.

He was bearing overbearing and intimidating you. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was threatening you and you didn't feel psychologically safe so had to defend yourself. Has he behaved in a threatening manner before?

If a stranger was threatening you but didn't touch you, then you can't defend yourself in fear to try and get away? I mean. you weren't actually hit, it was just a threat.

The same threat as a bigger man in your face is when you are frightened.

It is no wonder it took so long to change the law on marital rape when people think they should put up with threatening behaviour from their partners when you wouldn't put up with it by a random.

Or maybe PP would? A stranger terrifying you in the street, refusing to get out your face but you'd look down meekly because you can't slap an abusive man.

Exactly this. Some people have no idea.

But OP, if it's happened once it will likely happen again.

She is out of order slapping him but you can't see the difference between a woman slapping a man and a man slapping a woman?

It’s not the same as the roles being reversed at all. Men are much more intimidating and stronger than women, he used this power to frighten the op, men could simply manoeuvre themselves away from a woman in the same position and lashing out would cause significant injury. This obsession with pretending men and women are created equal is more damaging to women than ever.

Of course no relationship should come to this point and the situation is awful.

I hate the way people say it would be different if genders were swapped.. of course it bloody would. In most cases men tend to be much larger and physically capable than women.. thats not always the case obviously but it is most of the time. Its MUCH more intimidating when someone twice your size amwho you know could probably easily kill you, becomes physically aggressive towards you.
And there's the aspect here that it is self defence..
If I suddenly aggressively thrust my face into my husbands whilst he was lying in bed there's a chance he might lash out physically in fear. It's not an ideal response but it's an understandable one. It would be unlikely he'd be that afraid tho because as I already said I'm half his size.. he'd probably just be annoyed and confused.. however if he did it to me I'd be terrified. As I imagine OP was.

OP yes it's really worrying and strange if you've been together this long and this isn't something that usually happens. And given you were getting on fine in general.. it's really odd. Something must have triggered him in some way.. he really needs to discuss it with you so you can both learn what went wring here and maje sure it never happens again. I think try again to have the discussion with him and frame it more as asking him why he thinks he got so upset during this petty argument.