My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

[Loopjam]

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been.
During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face.
I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move.
I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened.
As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space.

After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years.

I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation.

I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next.
My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

I expect that felt very threatening to you. It was unreasonable on his part to be so intimidating and slapping him would be a reaction out of fear. you did the right thing, apologised for your part and tried to have a reasonable discussion with him. He would not accept any responsibility for his part and that is concerning.

It's striking how many people here seem comfortable with the image of a woman cowering in fear while her taller, heavier, stronger partner leans into her face and talks aggressively at her.

If it was your 10yo daughter being pressed up against the playground wall by a 12yo boy who wouldn't let her move, would you also advise she stand there and take it? Because God forbid she grow up feeling it's ok to defend herself physically from physical aggression.

This. It's really disturbing she's being painted as the aggressor by some.

If what people are saying on here is true men can't ever be the victim of domestic violence and its fine for women to go around slapping men because "we are small and weak and men are bigger and stronger", (so long as you say you felt threatened, you can hit as much as you like, he's always wrong due to his size advantage). Interesting.

This is a complete representation of what people have said.

Nobody has said that women can never be the aggressor.

They've said that men are almost certainly able to overpower a woman. It is obviously not the case that they feel able to, especially when abuse against them is repeated. Men can absolutely feel powerless and scared of women. People are simply pointing out that the likelihood of them having to resort to reactive physical violence is less than that of women having to in order to get away.

They've also said that in a situation where a man intimidates a woman, he doesn't need to be doing so physically for a woman to need to resort to reactive physical violence as she would be more likely otherwise be unable to (for example) use her size and strength to either intimate him into backing down and / or to physically get away from him without a violent act.

That is entirely different to saying men can't be victims of a female aggressor because they're generally bigger and stronger than women.

Literally no one has said this. Not a single person. No one has said men can never be victims of domestic violence. Once again, you're being ridiculous.

Everyone agreeing she's in the right meh doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, their marriage is over anyway, who goes around slapping their husband? Once you start this nonsense it doesn't really matter, time to separate.

I agree. A man physically intimidating a woman is obviously different from a woman getting too close to a man. That’s because men are bigger and more violent than women. Ridiculous that anyone needs this spelled out. About 100 women are killed by an ex/partner every year. A very well known statistic.

My god, actually blaming a male victim of dv is appalling. If ir was a woman you would suddenly care. You do know women can be abusers? Also how difficult it is for men to admit to experiencing dv from their female partner?

@AppropriateAdult THISS!! Truly shocked at this thread.

It sounds like you both acted impulsively whilst angry. Men are generally physically stronger than women and can use their physicality to be intimidating/threatening in a way women can't so I can understand why you slapped him under these circumstances. You didn't attack him and use violence against him you responded to being threatened. Has he done anything like this before? Ultimately he shouldn't have got in your face in that way to start with. It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a calm conversation about this and make sure it doesn't happen again.

He was physically intimidating her.

My husband would be able to do that to me (he wouldn't) but I couldn't physically intimidate him

So the role-reversal trope doesn't work in these situations

Utter nonsense

It's who started the aggression

And it was the OP's husband

I suppose you could say that he assaulted the nearby air, and then struck your hand twice. All using his face as a weapon.

The gas fumes are strong in this thread.

Non believer of emotional and financial abuse then as there is no physical violence? Or coercion, another criminal offence.

Good day to you, sir.

Exactly.

Actually quite frightening the PP thinks it would be ok for her husband to do that to her and would only be thinking of his feelings if she reacted in fear.

Your brother was not the aggressor, he was the victim. The OP's husband was the aggressor. That's nothing to do with gender, it's the one who is in fear and being threatened. Only reason gender is mentioned is because people saying 'oh but it wouldn't be ok for a man to slap a women', well if it was a genuine fear reaction that would be completely understandable. We're talking statistics along side what the OP described. As someone who has sadly had to watch their brother badly affected by DV, surely you can understand how the OP felt in that moment?

Your broadly right, but on mumsnet no man can ever be in genuine fear (men are bigger) so there’s no way that would be understood.

I can't speak on behalf of others but I absolutely believe men can be in complete fear of an abusive woman. All about intimidation. So generally men are stronger than women but they can still be terrified of someone that they likely would be able to overpower physically, but fear stops them because they are intimidated.

The OP was intimidated here but people are only honing in about male/female when it should be solely about her being intimidated, no matter her reaction. She is getting the blame because people know men who have been hit before without taking into account non violent abuse and the fact it is statistically more likely that they will not only have that same fear, but that the aggressor is also stronger because he is male.

It doesn't take away from male DV victims at all, it's just supporting a woman who because of fear, size AND statistics she has reacted. The man knew he had the upper hand, he as in her face and didn't move even after the first slap. He wasn't cowering, he knew he was still in control.

I cannot understand why people who know how frightened male victims are cannot get their head round that's how female victims feel too, but with the added extra that they will likely be stronger physically.

I slapped and he became more aggressive in his speech after I hit him...

You don't say.

So I slapped him again.
(So you assaulted him).

Like another post said you could argue this all day but when hands start flying either way, it's a bad marriage.

Maybe if they thought of a comparison where they're not smaller and weaker?

I grew up terrified of my mother's rages and even more so, her silent looks when she got close to me, as it never meant anything good was going to happen. All four foot eleven of her. Despite the fact that by the age of eleven, I was taller, stronger and could easily have flattened her due to her osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis, at fifteen, she cornered me in the kitchen over having a face on me - apparently visible through the back of my skull from the next room - and did something like the OP's husband, by getting right in my face debating whether to shove me into the gas burner or something, probably. If I'd moved, I would have touched her. Couldn't go back because there was the lit hob, couldn't go sideways, couldn't go under. I could technically have hit her, but I wouldn't, that wasn't me and in any case, if I had, I knew she would have gone wailing to all and sundry about me attacking her for no good reason, she was just a poor little defenceless disabled woman with an evil bully monster child. Or she'd have done something like pick up a kitchen knife or use the burners as I believe she was seriously considering (in a way that she'd be able to claim I 'fell on them because she's so clumsy'). So I waited.

It wasn't the desired reaction, so she had to console herself with stamping on my bare feet in her shoes. I didn't react to that either and it clearly unnerved her that I didn't, as she only tried to hurt me twice after that (before I cut her off).

I know this experience can be interpreted to justify either position, but from my view, it is easy to mistake being bigger and stronger as being automatically the one who is to blame, when it can be a clearly smaller and weaker physically person. And as the smaller and physically weaker person, she also used the getting in somebody's face when there was nowhere to go technique of dominance/intimidation/trying to engineer an excuse for violence.

Intimidation and threatening behaviour and you reacted. Your body knew the score. He was being threatening and you defended yourself.

You need to leave him.
You are not to blame for defending yourself when someone gets in your space in a threatening manner.

Apologies I've probably not came across properly. Your story is exactly why I believe bigger men can be scared of smaller women (or any gender). I know there has been an emphasis on size/strength but it's unfair to not take into account the added extra threat of someone more physically powerful than you. It absolutely does not take away from someone being scared of someone not as strong.

My Mum sounds very similar to yours. She is only 2 inches shorter than me and realistically if I would have fought back I'd have probably have been the victor but I didn't out of fear. She even did it when I was 30 with children of my own and she was in her 50s. But my learned way to cope was to shut down (we're NC now) so I didn't react at all - I was blank with no feelings. Freeze response so I can understand fight response. Then as I say, add on to that the feeling that even if you did try to defend yourself, you would be overpowered.