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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

174 replies

Loopjam · 17/08/2023 19:19

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been.
During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face.
I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move.
I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened.
As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space.

After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years.

I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation.

I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next.
My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

OP posts:
Amuseaboosh · 17/08/2023 21:08

Some of the replies!!!!

OP, you assaulted your husband. There's zero excuse for that.

My advice to the man in this situation - LTB. And the B doesn't stand for Bastard.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:08

MrFoxLovesComingToOurPlace · 17/08/2023 21:03

My son (6ft 2) used to be kicked, punched and have things thrown at him by his ex (obviously when he was in a relationship with her), although she's 5ft 2 but used to be terrible when she'd been drinking (leaving him at home to look after the babies). Neighbours used to call the police, and he was urged to press charges - he never did. The best thing he ever did was to leave her.

Show quote history

That was awful for your son, but it's in no way comparable to what happen in the op's situation.

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 21:09

MrFoxLovesComingToOurPlace · 17/08/2023 21:03

My son (6ft 2) used to be kicked, punched and have things thrown at him by his ex (obviously when he was in a relationship with her), although she's 5ft 2 but used to be terrible when she'd been drinking (leaving him at home to look after the babies). Neighbours used to call the police, and he was urged to press charges - he never did. The best thing he ever did was to leave her.

Show quote history

A pp asked if a man being hit didn’t respond out of fear of being hurt, or the knowledge that they would be made out to be the perpetrator.

ime there’s a bit of both. I’m a short slim bloke and my ex could have done me some damage. Also it’s pretty certain I’d never be believed, as this thread and many others attest to.

Amuseaboosh · 17/08/2023 21:09

Deathbyfluffy · 17/08/2023 20:09

I’m a male victim of DV, and some of these comments are hilarious - exactly the kind of gaslighting ‘he deserved it’ nonsense my ex would give me.

Leave him, it’s best for everyone involved - but there’s no escaping that you assaulted your husband.

There is so much truth here ^^

I'm a woman, by the way.

I hope your life is a happy and settled one now @DeDeathbyfluffy

StopStartStop · 17/08/2023 21:09

It's not an equal contest. Man, physically stronger, standing, leaning over woman. Woman, physically weaker, vulnerable due to the position in which she is trapped.

EightChalk · 17/08/2023 21:11

Also worth bearing in mind, in any violent situation, is the ultimate bottom line - who can overpower whom, if it really comes down to it? I can slap or punch, etc., a man (not that I would unless it was self-defence) - but I wouldn't stand a chance at stopping one from really hurting me or killing me if things got out of hand. Not so the other way around; any average or below average-sized/strength man could stop me, in many cases easily. You can't just look at it the same as the other way around.

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 21:11

MrFoxLovesComingToOurPlace · 17/08/2023 21:03

My son (6ft 2) used to be kicked, punched and have things thrown at him by his ex (obviously when he was in a relationship with her), although she's 5ft 2 but used to be terrible when she'd been drinking (leaving him at home to look after the babies). Neighbours used to call the police, and he was urged to press charges - he never did. The best thing he ever did was to leave her.

Show quote history

What does it have to do with this thread? Was your son physically aggressive and intimidating towards his girlfriend? What a bellend if he was! Otherwise I can't see the relevance.

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 21:11

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:06

The op's partner was violent and she felt panicked and threatened. Leaning over someone in bed, whilst angry, and shoving your face to theirs nose to nose is violent. It's incredibly threatening and violating. She didn't just walk up to him and slap him.

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I agree there are nuances and every situation is different.

for a lot of posters those nuances don’t exist and a man slapping is always a violent danger and a woman slapping is always a frightened victim. Neither are always the case

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 21:13

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 21:11

What does it have to do with this thread? Was your son physically aggressive and intimidating towards his girlfriend? What a bellend if he was! Otherwise I can't see the relevance.

Show quote history

And this is part of the problem. An immediate questioning as to whether the man brought this on himself

curaçao · 17/08/2023 21:15

People who are saying the op is justified because she couldn't get away, read the post! She did!
I think you should leave op

honeybonbon · 17/08/2023 21:16

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 21:16

Christ on a bike, @FloydPepper !
The relevance! Stop steering the topic of the thread!

Yes, some women are awful fighty bitches, just like men. Done.
Move on now, please, so the OP can actually be advised on her situation.

honeybonbon · 17/08/2023 21:18

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 21:20

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 21:16

Christ on a bike, @FloydPepper !
The relevance! Stop steering the topic of the thread!

Yes, some women are awful fighty bitches, just like men. Done.
Move on now, please, so the OP can actually be advised on her situation.

Steering the topic
talking about violence against men on a thread where a woman has hit a man.
should it not be talked about?

fwiw op has had advice, and support. I think it’s a tough situation and both parties probably didn’t behave well. My issues are, on this and other threads, with the lack of acknowledgment and often total apologies for violence against men. I deemed it to be relevant.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:22

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 19:47

Here we go again
woman hits man, nothing to see here.

there will be posts saying she felt threatened, posts saying he’s stronger than her so it’s ok, posts saying he deserved it, posts saying it’s his fault.

mumsnet has a blind spot when it comes to violence against men.

I do think towering over someone in their face and not moving though is an act of violence and intimidation- he didn't provoke her with words etc but he used his physical strength to scare her and didn't move when she asked him too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:25

Deathbyfluffy · 17/08/2023 20:09

I’m a male victim of DV, and some of these comments are hilarious - exactly the kind of gaslighting ‘he deserved it’ nonsense my ex would give me.

Leave him, it’s best for everyone involved - but there’s no escaping that you assaulted your husband.

Did you use your physical strength and size to trap her or pin her down and scare her and not move when she asked? That would be reactive abuse from her if so

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 21:26

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:25

Did you use your physical strength and size to trap her or pin her down and scare her and not move when she asked? That would be reactive abuse from her if so

Show quote history

Again, asking the victim if it was their fault…

Justcallmebebes · 17/08/2023 21:27

zerored · 17/08/2023 20:38

A panicked and automatic response to feeling threatened isn't an act of domestic violence, it's self defence. His behaviour on the other hand sounds really worrying, personally I'd let things cool down for a day or 2 then try to address the incident with him and set clear boundaries about him ever behaving like that in the future. Any further incidents and I would leave. It seems odd that it's so out of character though - could there be any underlying medical issues? (Not making excuses for him frightening you but just to try gain an understanding of what might have happened).

This. There's some bat shit responses on this thread but the OP states their relationship is usually fine and this was out of character. It doesn't deserve a knee jerk reaction

AubadeIsIt · 17/08/2023 21:27

If this is the closest you've ever been, Id hate to see the worst. Someone who purposely shoves their face into someone else's to argue deserves to be slapped, man or woman.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:29

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 21:26

Again, asking the victim if it was their fault…

Show quote history

The op's partner is no innocent victim. Get off your soapbox already.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:31

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 17/08/2023 21:05

Can I ask what would you be saying if the roles were reversed and it was you who was slapped twice? If you can’t picture it being yourself, say a friend was slapped, same scenario, what would your advice be?

The gender roles reversal doesn't work though due to the power imbalance of (usual) physical strength differences.

A more fair comparison would be between two female friends or colleagues, imagine one much shorter and younger than the op.

Imaginary role reversed op- I got right up in her face and towered over her and continued to yell at her and wouldn't move when she asked me to.

Colleague- she was terrifying me and wouldn't get away from me even though I asked her so I slapped her to get her away out of fear I went into fight or flight, she didn't move so I slapped her again, then she did move. I stopped slapping and got myself away safely so we could both cool off.

Would we then say that the imaginary op or the colleague was the aggressor?

SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 21:31

NicholJO · 17/08/2023 19:31

Mn makes me laugh if a woman gets in a man's face and he slapped her it would definitely be LTB but it's perfectly OK for a woman to slap a man it means she was scared and felt threatened lol

I know! Seems like it’s always the blokes fault

SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 21:33

LadyLolaRuben · 17/08/2023 20:01

He was bearing overbearing and intimidating you. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was threatening you and you didn't feel psychologically safe so had to defend yourself. Has he behaved in a threatening manner before?

Were you there?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:33

@FloydPepper look at the example I just gave while quoting @Lucyintheskywithadiamond

I was not saying the male dv victims was at fault, I am suggesting that his scenario is diffenet to the ops as presumably he wasn't intentionally physically towering over and scaring his violent ex - because that situation is called reactive abuse

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:35

@SunflowerTed @Deathbyfluffy The gender roles reversal doesn't work though due to the power imbalance of (usual) physical strength differences.

A more fair comparison would be between two female friends or colleagues, imagine one much shorter and younger than the op.

Imaginary role reversed op- I got right up in her face and towered over her and continued to yell at her and wouldn't move when she asked me to.

Colleague- she was terrifying me and wouldn't get away from me even though I asked her so I slapped her to get her away out of fear I went into fight or flight, she didn't move so I slapped her again, then she did move. I stopped slapping and got myself away safely so we could both cool off.

Would we then say that the imaginary op or the colleague was the aggressor?