My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

[Loopjam]

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been.
During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face.
I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move.
I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened.
As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space.

After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years.

I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation.

I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next.
My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

It's violence either way. Why do so many here think that a woman is always in the right whatever she does? If the roles were reversed, it would definitely be all in support of the woman again. Not all men are strapping and huge. Op's husband could weigh 8 stone and be short and Op double his size but the man would still be entirely in the wrong...purely because he's a man.

I'm with you on that

In almost two decades together my husband has never ever got in my face like that. It's not normal. I hope you're ok, OP.

There's a huge difference so don't pretend their isn't.

All those stories about men being beaten by women and in hospital or murdered by a woman in the news daily...oh right, that doesn't happen does it.

Getting in her face is an aggressive intimidating behavior.

All the DV/what about the menz arguments are irrelevant.

A person in a vulnerable position (lying in bed) was intimidated by her partner who was standing , leaning over her and did not move away. The partner's behaviour was menacing.

The key thing now is to get the woman and children to safety.

All the usual people on here point scoring and telling each other off. I swear some men wait with their fingers poised just itching for these threads.

DV and DA are nuanced and gendered. Simple, knee-jerk, sound bite answers aren't useful. Who is 'right' and wrong' is not the question.

They were arguing. So far so good.

He decided when they were in conflict to get in her face to the point of their noses almost touching and her feeling intimidated. Not good. I'd argue that it was meant to be intimidating and designed to shut her up. he was aiming for 'freeze'.

Unfortunately, 'freeze' wasn't happened. 'Fight' did. A slap. Really not OK at all. But possibly a back-of-the-brain reaction to fear.

The second slap though. Really not OK. A lot does hinge on if she was able to get away. 'Flight' is what should have happened. But depending on where they were, that may not have been possible.

I think this relationship has crossed a line it's almost impossible to cross back over. They have both done things which should never be repeated. And frequently are repeated and escalate. Solo counselling and separate for now would be my advice.

And can everyone stop being ignorant, one-dimensional and point scoring? It's childish and unhelpful.

@greentealeave
She couldn't do what she wanted - he was body blocking her. HE was the aggressor. HE started the physicality of the conflict. No hands needed.

I had a guy stand in front of the front door stopping me from leaving. He was perpetrating domestic abuse at that very moment. If I were able to shove him outa' way, I'd be legally allowed to do so without it being considered an assault.
Alas, I wasn't able to.... So no abuse perpetrated by anyone then? All fine and dandy?
Do you know anything about the many forms domestic abuse take? I'm still incredulous you allege to be working with victims!

How was I being rude? I was asking a legitimate question to try and understand why he thought that people should not react. Part of me asking that was because I do think that if men raised their hands in defence it might be them that ended up in trouble. That's why I asked. It wasn't a dig. I wanted to know if that is why he felt victims of DV shouldn't defend themselves if there wasn't physical violence involved.

So, statistically women are smaller than men and therefore less able to physically defend themselves therefore any perceived threat is greater so I thought it wasn't cool that women being terrified to the extent they lashed out was 'hilarious'. Hence asking if it was a physically stronger fear (obviously not all woman are less stronger than men) or a fear of being blamed.

But reading back what I wrote I can see how lack of tone etc might have made it look that I was possibly taking the piss? I wasn't. I have been through both violent and non violent DV and I genuinely wanted to know why he thought it was different.

Women's aid helped me realise that my partner looming over me, smashing pictures, blocking my exit from a room or forcibly holding a car door so I could escape were all intensely aggressive acts that 100% triggered a fight/flight/freeze response.

I slapped my ex partner in that moment.

It was not abuse. It was absolutely an instinct because I felt cornered and threatened.

I was horrified and mortified but unless you've been there you have no idea.

Of course hitting each other is horrendous. Once it's got to that point, it's too toxic to continue but pp simplifying the scenario by swapping the sexes have clearly never felt threatened by their intimate partner in this way.

No, it's not ideal, and yes you should split and both get therapy. It does not automatically make you an abuser. And of a woman was behaving in this way to a man, I'd say the same.

One size really doesn't fit all.

It would be very, very unusual for a woman to aggressively invade somebody else's personal space in such a manner to provoke them into self-defence. We've been socialized to take ourselves back and minimize our physical presence - trust me, seen this hundreds if not thousands of times in several decades in martial arts. Hence the consternation when women take up the game of patriarchy chicken in pedestrian spaces.

So quit your DARVOing.

so I couldn'tescape

It's completely absurd to compare male-on-female domestic violence to this, and I don't believe for a second that the posters saying it's the same even believe it themselves. This is a situation involving a man getting into a woman's face, looming over her, for the purpose of intimidation using his physicality, and her hitting him to attempt to get him to back off from her. He was the aggressor here.

As pointed out above, you do NOT have to be touched to be legally allowed to strike in self-defence, and let us not pretend that physical intimidation and threat from the average woman to the average man carries the same weight as the other way around.

Also, for the "it's the fact that you slapped him twice that's the problem" crew - he didn't bloody move after the first one, did he? No, instead he escalated. This is domestic violence.

If someone gets in your face to the point of being almost nose to nose with you then that person is attempting to intimidate you and shouldn't be shocked if they get hit.

Place stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Don't get me wrong, it could be a bad sign... but also, in this instance, should be taken with context.

Married for 16 years, and this is the first time he's done anything remotely 'aggressive'... and even then, what? He got a bit too close for comfort? He didn't block her in with his hands, didn't hit her, didn't headbutt her... simply got close.

So I stand by what I said above. Roll over, there was nothing stopping her. If a big man has me backed against a wall, I'm not going to punch first, I wouldn't stand a chance if I provoked him! I'd evade for as long as possible until a punch was thrown. Violence begets violence.

"Why didn't she just leave him?" 🙄

He escalated and she escalated.

@greentealeave

Say what you like but it was wrong and yes i do no what DV is like thank you i suffered 10 years of it with a face and body covered in scares that was all done with my ex both the same sex we both women so i do no what its like thank you .

Then maybe show some emotional intelligence and understanding of the problem here, on this thread.
Or maybe specialised councelling could help with interpreting your experiences so it's easier to make sense of situations.
I can sit through a chess game - doesn't mean I "get it".

My son (6ft 2) used to be kicked, punched and have things thrown at him by his ex (obviously when he was in a relationship with her), although she's 5ft 2 but used to be terrible when she'd been drinking (leaving him at home to look after the babies). Neighbours used to call the police, and he was urged to press charges - he never did. The best thing he ever did was to leave her.

Roll over, there was nothing stopping her. If a big man has me backed against a wall, I'm not going to punch first, I wouldn't stand a chance if I provoked him! I'd evade for as long as possible until a punch was thrown. Violence begets violence

For many instinct would tell them in that moment that you don't take your eyes of that person. You're not going to turn over and give them a chance to launch an attack on you from behind.

Can I ask what would you be saying if the roles were reversed and it was you who was slapped twice? If you can’t picture it being yourself, say a friend was slapped, same scenario, what would your advice be?

The op's partner was violent and she felt panicked and threatened. Leaning over someone in bed, whilst angry, and shoving your face to theirs nose to nose is violent. It's incredibly threatening and violating. She didn't just walk up to him and slap him.