Page 7 | My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

Loopjam · 2023-08-17T18:19:51+00:00

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been. During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face. I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move. I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened. As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space. After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years. I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation. I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next. My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

Zeppel · 18/08/2023 17:21

You both were in the wrong. He shouldn't have got in your face and you shouldn't have slapped him. Either way, the relationship is over. I don't see how you can move past this.

FrippEnos · 18/08/2023 18:33

Pinkbonbon
Intimidation and threatening behaviour and you reacted. Your body knew the score. He was being threatening and you defended yourself.

Loosing control isn't the same as self defense.

You can't have it both ways.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 18:35

Zeppel · 18/08/2023 17:21

You both were in the wrong. He shouldn't have got in your face and you shouldn't have slapped him. Either way, the relationship is over. I don't see how you can move past this.

She wouldn't have slapped him if he wasn't in her face.

If you had a random man nose to nose with you frightening you so you reacted out of fear, whose fault would that be? Would you be equally to blame because someone decided to frighten the shit out you and get in your space, or would it be different because it's not your partner?

Random stranger scaring you - bad.

Partner scaring you - fine, show some control or you're just as bad.

That's basically what you are saying here.

I do agree the relationship should be over though.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 18:46

FrippEnos · 18/08/2023 18:33

Pinkbonbon
Intimidation and threatening behaviour and you reacted. Your body knew the score. He was being threatening and you defended yourself.

Loosing control isn't the same as self defense.

You can't have it both ways.

Where's the husband in this? Did he not show lack of control or were his actions reasonable? Seems like whatever he did is fine because the OP reacted. No consequences for the mans actions, just blaming the woman.

Ladies just so you all know - if a man aggressively gets in our face we have to smile sweetly because he isn't physically hurting us and even if he intends to, well, we're not allowed to make that call because he hasn't hit us yet.

Even if you are cornered with no place to go, you must continue to be demure until he gentlemanly steps away when he is ready to.

Piss off.

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 19:03

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 18:46

Where's the husband in this? Did he not show lack of control or were his actions reasonable? Seems like whatever he did is fine because the OP reacted. No consequences for the mans actions, just blaming the woman.

Ladies just so you all know - if a man aggressively gets in our face we have to smile sweetly because he isn't physically hurting us and even if he intends to, well, we're not allowed to make that call because he hasn't hit us yet.

Even if you are cornered with no place to go, you must continue to be demure until he gentlemanly steps away when he is ready to.

Piss off.

Show quote history

Do you think a woman would (twice) slap a man in the face at close quarters if she was physically afraid of him ( and he didn't have his hands on her in anyway). No victim of abuse would hit their abuser first. They are BOTH in the wrong, it is dysfunctional. They are BOTH abusive. She slapped him not once but twice, because after she hit him the first time, his tone of voice got more aggressive - well so would mine. Have you ever been slapped in the face twice? It doesn't tickle!

He was wrong to get in her face and got his just desserts possibly with the first slap, the second wasn't instinct it was intent and intent = abuse.

RandomForest · 18/08/2023 19:07

He invaded your space, his actions said if you don't back down and submit then you've had it.

Your action of slapping was probably the best action, if you had attempted to push him away depending on his size and strengrh this may not have worked, but a slap induced a reflex action of him moving his face.

You were not violent you used reasonable force in the face of intimidation and fear, he provoked you.
He is unstable and cannot control his anger so you need to leave.

He will become worse.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 19:48

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 19:03

Do you think a woman would (twice) slap a man in the face at close quarters if she was physically afraid of him ( and he didn't have his hands on her in anyway). No victim of abuse would hit their abuser first. They are BOTH in the wrong, it is dysfunctional. They are BOTH abusive. She slapped him not once but twice, because after she hit him the first time, his tone of voice got more aggressive - well so would mine. Have you ever been slapped in the face twice? It doesn't tickle!

He was wrong to get in her face and got his just desserts possibly with the first slap, the second wasn't instinct it was intent and intent = abuse.

Show quote history

Yes I have been slapped in the face, spat at, dragged across a floor, kicked and hit with a weapon. All by men.

You best believe I have slapped someone in the face while being frightened and no, I do not see myself as the aggressor even if they didn't hit me first.

I'm assuming you haven't endured the same so your opinion isn't relevant.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2023 20:02

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 19:03

Do you think a woman would (twice) slap a man in the face at close quarters if she was physically afraid of him ( and he didn't have his hands on her in anyway). No victim of abuse would hit their abuser first. They are BOTH in the wrong, it is dysfunctional. They are BOTH abusive. She slapped him not once but twice, because after she hit him the first time, his tone of voice got more aggressive - well so would mine. Have you ever been slapped in the face twice? It doesn't tickle!

He was wrong to get in her face and got his just desserts possibly with the first slap, the second wasn't instinct it was intent and intent = abuse.

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What a load of absolute bollocks. I'm actually embarrassed for you.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 20:33

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2023 20:02

What a load of absolute bollocks. I'm actually embarrassed for you.

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I know this wasn't aimed at me but thank you for this

Yes, DV victims sometimes lash out. FS. Have you never been a victim of DV by any chance @Hearmeout?

monsteramunch · 18/08/2023 21:15

@Hearmeout

Do you think a woman would (twice) slap a man in the face at close quarters if she was physically afraid of him ( and he didn't have his hands on her in anyway).

Yes, I do think that.

No victim of abuse would hit their abuser first.

Yes they would.

Google 'reactive abuse' or 'reactive violence'.

HTH.

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 22:11

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 19:48

Yes I have been slapped in the face, spat at, dragged across a floor, kicked and hit with a weapon. All by men.

You best believe I have slapped someone in the face while being frightened and no, I do not see myself as the aggressor even if they didn't hit me first.

I'm assuming you haven't endured the same so your opinion isn't relevant.

Show quote history

Assume away, in ignorance.

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 22:13

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 20:33

I know this wasn't aimed at me but thank you for this

Yes, DV victims sometimes lash out. FS. Have you never been a victim of DV by any chance @Hearmeout?

Show quote history

I have never made the first physical strike on someone I'm physically afraid of , no. Because the repercussions would have been much, much, worse.

Make of the what you will, believe what you want etc etc.

I don't defend this woman for what she did and I don't think either of them are good for the other.

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 22:15

monsteramunch · 18/08/2023 21:15

@Hearmeout

Do you think a woman would (twice) slap a man in the face at close quarters if she was physically afraid of him ( and he didn't have his hands on her in anyway).

Yes, I do think that.

No victim of abuse would hit their abuser first.

Yes they would.

Google 'reactive abuse' or 'reactive violence'.

HTH.

"Reactive" isn't a word that describes becoming physical first.

Anyway you disagree with me and I disagree with you , draw a line under it.

monsteramunch · 18/08/2023 22:20

@Hearmeout

"Reactive" isn't a word that describes becoming physical first.

Yes it is in this context. Reactive abuse can absolutely be a physical response to non physical abuse e.g. emotional / verbal.

You stated as fact "No victim of abuse would hit their abuser first." This is absolutely false.

It's ignorant and bizarre to continue to say it's a fact when people have pointed out that it isn't.

Bewildbefree · 18/08/2023 22:32

The men and women on this thread quick to defend the man were more excited at the aspect of a women slapping a man and the opportunity to use their experience to bring the OP down. Its so much more rare to hear of male DV victims that you used this to make the OP seem like an abuser. You didn’t analyse the thread critically and see that the real problem was the husband. How are you totally downplaying his aggressive bullying behaviour. How are you normalising that! It’s disgraceful.
If you were the victim of DV or someone you know was then I’m truly sorry. But if you were you should absolutely be picking up on the way the OPs husband intimidated her purposefully into fear. If you cannot see that, you are blind-sighted by your own cause.

I will tell you this for nothing if a man got in my face in an attempt to intimidate me. My flight/fight response would kick in and he would get a sharp shove, slap or kick to get out of my way and I would categorically not be an abuser.

If you work in DV and have said this isn’t the case. You absolutely need more training before giving advice!

I would absolutely say the same to any man In this position. Use reasonable force in a threatening situation to get out of the way.

It is common sense, which seems to he lacking here.

Bewildbefree · 18/08/2023 22:41

@Hearmeout

A victim of assault would absolutely hit their abuser first after being prodded, pushed and goaded continuously. Read the boiling frog analogy.
People really need to read up on human behaviour before commenting such nonsense! It’s complicated, complex and not one size fits all. It worries me that so many people claimed to work in these areas but have zero clue on the advice they are dishing out. I’ve studied human behaviour for years and now work in this field.

To the Op
This is so complex for many reasons.
Your husband lashed out after 16 years of calm. Why? What triggered this? Maybe a few days separated will calm the situation into a conversation you both need to have. What was the argument over? How did it start and how did it escalate?
You can’t change the incident but you can change how you handle what comes next.

You apologised for slapping him. BUT he did not apologise for intimidating you into this. This is a huge deal breaker. Can he eventually understand why his behaviour was wrong. If not, this will absolutely be a reoccurring situation. That’s the key here. Give each other space and then establish that. If he will never see his wrong doing here it could completely be the break in your relationship.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 19/08/2023 00:27

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 22:11

Assume away, in ignorance.

Show quote history

The only ignorant person here is you.

RandomForest · 19/08/2023 00:57

I can understand you saying @Hearmeout that an abused woman would be too frightened to react by slapping someone in their face but there are varying degrees of DV in how it evolves.

This man's actions of pressing up in her face is a common tactic of abusers who don't need to be violent, their looks, remarks and behaviour can stave off actual violence for years, op said he's not been like this in 16 years, the mask can slip, if they think their coersive control is not working or the victim is questioning them or beggining to fight back, they up the anti.

This incident showed op she needs to be afraid, she didn't feel safe, she needed him to be away and she reacted.

Going forward this man has shown he is not capable of having a reasoned argument without him displaying aggression to win the discussion or shut her down.
The fact she slapped him once and he didn't move showed he is not in anyway frightened of her, he was fronting her, this was an act of war.

I wouldn't trust this man anymore with my safety.

FrippEnos · 19/08/2023 09:56

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 18/08/2023 18:46

Where's the husband in this? Did he not show lack of control or were his actions reasonable? Seems like whatever he did is fine because the OP reacted. No consequences for the mans actions, just blaming the woman.

Ladies just so you all know - if a man aggressively gets in our face we have to smile sweetly because he isn't physically hurting us and even if he intends to, well, we're not allowed to make that call because he hasn't hit us yet.

Even if you are cornered with no place to go, you must continue to be demure until he gentlemanly steps away when he is ready to.

Piss off.

Show quote history

Unless your response is the same if the sexes were reversed, you are a hypocrite.

I will not condone the husbands actions in this, nor will I condone the OP's either.

As soon as you give excuses for violence you open the door for both sexes to use violence.

Are you going to be that person?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 13:05

Bewildbefree · 18/08/2023 22:32

The men and women on this thread quick to defend the man were more excited at the aspect of a women slapping a man and the opportunity to use their experience to bring the OP down. Its so much more rare to hear of male DV victims that you used this to make the OP seem like an abuser. You didn’t analyse the thread critically and see that the real problem was the husband. How are you totally downplaying his aggressive bullying behaviour. How are you normalising that! It’s disgraceful.
If you were the victim of DV or someone you know was then I’m truly sorry. But if you were you should absolutely be picking up on the way the OPs husband intimidated her purposefully into fear. If you cannot see that, you are blind-sighted by your own cause.

I will tell you this for nothing if a man got in my face in an attempt to intimidate me. My flight/fight response would kick in and he would get a sharp shove, slap or kick to get out of my way and I would categorically not be an abuser.

If you work in DV and have said this isn’t the case. You absolutely need more training before giving advice!

I would absolutely say the same to any man In this position. Use reasonable force in a threatening situation to get out of the way.

It is common sense, which seems to he lacking here.

This

Popworld · 19/08/2023 13:55

Unfortunately with stories like this you only get one anecdotal side of the story .

The op hasn't been back so...

Sayitaintso33 · 21/08/2023 08:20

I think you were perfectly entitled to slap him, but I'm surprised he didn't slap you back. The fact that he didn't leads me to think that he isn't a particularly bad person and you should (if you want to) be able to get over this heated, physical argument.

john2024 · 29/09/2024 23:08

You didn't say what the argument was about. You also used physical violence which if your husband had any self respect, he should have you charged with assualt. If you feel threatened, you won't throw hands unless you know full well they won't retaliate. You're no victim.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2024 01:20

john2024 · 29/09/2024 23:08

You didn't say what the argument was about. You also used physical violence which if your husband had any self respect, he should have you charged with assualt. If you feel threatened, you won't throw hands unless you know full well they won't retaliate. You're no victim.

Why are you waking up a thread from a year ago that the OP didn't come back to?