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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

174 replies

Loopjam · 17/08/2023 19:19

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been.
During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face.
I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move.
I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened.
As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space.

After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years.

I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation.

I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next.
My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

OP posts:
Brightandshining · 17/08/2023 20:08

I hate the way people say it would be different if genders were swapped.. of course it bloody would. In most cases men tend to be much larger and physically capable than women.. thats not always the case obviously but it is most of the time. Its MUCH more intimidating when someone twice your size amwho you know could probably easily kill you, becomes physically aggressive towards you.
And there's the aspect here that it is self defence..
If I suddenly aggressively thrust my face into my husbands whilst he was lying in bed there's a chance he might lash out physically in fear. It's not an ideal response but it's an understandable one. It would be unlikely he'd be that afraid tho because as I already said I'm half his size.. he'd probably just be annoyed and confused.. however if he did it to me I'd be terrified. As I imagine OP was.

OP yes it's really worrying and strange if you've been together this long and this isn't something that usually happens. And given you were getting on fine in general.. it's really odd. Something must have triggered him in some way.. he really needs to discuss it with you so you can both learn what went wring here and maje sure it never happens again. I think try again to have the discussion with him and frame it more as asking him why he thinks he got so upset during this petty argument.

Deathbyfluffy · 17/08/2023 20:09

I’m a male victim of DV, and some of these comments are hilarious - exactly the kind of gaslighting ‘he deserved it’ nonsense my ex would give me.

Leave him, it’s best for everyone involved - but there’s no escaping that you assaulted your husband.

squeaker50 · 17/08/2023 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Deleted by MNHQ

Nubnut · 17/08/2023 20:10

Honestly, some of the advice here is so knee jerk and careless, I would never come on here and ask for relationship advice.
it’s a shame because the op is clearly really shaken by this, knows full well she’s done something not ok and crossed a line, and wants advice as to what to do next.

McCoysRibenaAndATwirl · 17/08/2023 20:11

I've had a man get in my face like that before. It's awful. There was no way I could ever be as intimidating if the roles were reversed. I don't blame you for defending yourself, I feel like it shouldn't have got to that point at all.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 17/08/2023 20:13

NicholJO · 17/08/2023 19:31

Mn makes me laugh if a woman gets in a man's face and he slapped her it would definitely be LTB but it's perfectly OK for a woman to slap a man it means she was scared and felt threatened lol

Because physically speaking men and women are exactly the same, right? If a man slaps a woman he's not going to hurt her at all, is he? Men aren't bigger and stronger than women, oh no. What planet do you live on that men and women have the same physical strength?

SpamFrittersYouSay · 17/08/2023 20:16

I appreciate that you felt threatened but you slapped him.
Not once but twice.

I'm not sure if you can both come back from this.

You either need some serious mediation or split.

greentealeave · 17/08/2023 20:18

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 20:19

Deathbyfluffy · 17/08/2023 20:09

I’m a male victim of DV, and some of these comments are hilarious - exactly the kind of gaslighting ‘he deserved it’ nonsense my ex would give me.

Leave him, it’s best for everyone involved - but there’s no escaping that you assaulted your husband.

Well, did you get into to your exe's face aggressively and body-block her in anger?
You DID deserve a slap then. Anyone would deserve a slap then. Man, woman, old, young.
I'm sure that an open-handed slap on the cheek in a threatening situation wouldn't meet any legal definitions of abuse either.

When I was 15, my mum told me in an argument to leave home and sell my body for rent. I slapped her.
And yet, I can assure you that the only victim of abuse in the household was me, not my mum.

greentealeave · 17/08/2023 20:20

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 17/08/2023 20:21

misssunshine4040 · 17/08/2023 20:06

She is out of order slapping him but you can't see the difference between a woman slapping a man and a man slapping a woman?

Show quote history

I think no matter what the gender that slapping someone because you're frightened is one thing but slapping them because they you are angry is another.

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 20:23

What action would you have taken today if he had hit you back?

Geminiii · 17/08/2023 20:26

The difference here is the overwhelming majority of domestic violence perpetrated against women is by men who lash out in anger and do not feel any threat from the woman at all. They are merely using the female as a vessel to channel their outrage/anger/desire for control.

Of course this topic is complex and nuanced. Men can be victims of domestic violence, no one has said otherwise.

However, the details of the argument have been outlined. If a person who is physically larger than you is speaking to you in an aggressive tone, violating your personal space and not moving away, lashing out at them physically is more than likely a defensive act based on the threat that person is encountering. A COMPLETELY different context to many of the men who abuse their partner for the thrill of it.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 17/08/2023 20:27

Deathbyfluffy · 17/08/2023 20:09

I’m a male victim of DV, and some of these comments are hilarious - exactly the kind of gaslighting ‘he deserved it’ nonsense my ex would give me.

Leave him, it’s best for everyone involved - but there’s no escaping that you assaulted your husband.

Sorry you went through that. Not cool however to think that woman of non physical domestic violence have been so frightened of perceived danger that you think it's 'hilarious'.

Can I ask, did you not try to defend yourself because you were worried about what others would think if you did because you are a man? Or was it because you were frightened of her and thought she as physically stronger?

C1N1C · 17/08/2023 20:28

Here's a thought... someone gets too close, you move away?

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 20:29

@Loopjam

What does he usually do in anger?

greentealeave · 17/08/2023 20:30

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 20:34

C1N1C · 17/08/2023 20:28

Here's a thought... someone gets too close, you move away?

Move how far away?
Out of the bedroom, out of the house at 2am?
I had ex who would go to all and any lengths to provoke me to be the "bad one". For example, being in my face for four hours straight midnight to 4am whilst whispering obscenities non stop.
When someone is in your face, they don't want you to just step away. They WANT to feel your fear. And only then you are free to go.

FrippEnos · 17/08/2023 20:34

MNHQ normally pull these threads after a while with the response of not being helpful.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/08/2023 20:34

C1N1C · 17/08/2023 20:28

Here's a thought... someone gets too close, you move away?

Nowithstanding the rest, that's pretty much impossible when you're sitting up in bed and somebody's leaning over the bed and your body - there's a headboard, wall and their body preventing it; you can't step or scoot backwards, can't go to the side he's standing, can't scoot sideways if his chest is close to your body (which the 'in my face' suggests).

I think they should split now. It's gone too far, whatever it is and whatever he actually meant to do or for her to think.

greentealeave · 17/08/2023 20:35

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 20:36

Geminiii · 17/08/2023 20:26

The difference here is the overwhelming majority of domestic violence perpetrated against women is by men who lash out in anger and do not feel any threat from the woman at all. They are merely using the female as a vessel to channel their outrage/anger/desire for control.

Of course this topic is complex and nuanced. Men can be victims of domestic violence, no one has said otherwise.

However, the details of the argument have been outlined. If a person who is physically larger than you is speaking to you in an aggressive tone, violating your personal space and not moving away, lashing out at them physically is more than likely a defensive act based on the threat that person is encountering. A COMPLETELY different context to many of the men who abuse their partner for the thrill of it.

Lots have said otherwise. Repeatedly on other threads and no doubt some will overtly on this one too. It’s implied in a lot of posts so far

FloydPepper · 17/08/2023 20:37

FrippEnos · 17/08/2023 20:34

MNHQ normally pull these threads after a while with the response of not being helpful.

Yep. Always the same. I could shout bingo with the justifications that have been posted so far, and the eventual outcome is usually deletion

QueenCamilla · 17/08/2023 20:37

@greentealeave
I don’t think you're fit to work with people at all.

That's just an observation with no bearing of domestic violence perpetrated against men.

zerored · 17/08/2023 20:38

A panicked and automatic response to feeling threatened isn't an act of domestic violence, it's self defence. His behaviour on the other hand sounds really worrying, personally I'd let things cool down for a day or 2 then try to address the incident with him and set clear boundaries about him ever behaving like that in the future. Any further incidents and I would leave. It seems odd that it's so out of character though - could there be any underlying medical issues? (Not making excuses for him frightening you but just to try gain an understanding of what might have happened).

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