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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner got in my face and I responded by slapping him around the cheek.

174 replies

Loopjam · 17/08/2023 19:19

I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have two amazing children together and have recently this year, been the closest we’ve ever been.
During an argument last night, that got a little heated. My partner, (stood up) bent over to my side of the bed and got in my face so closely that our noses were almost touching. I was so shocked and unfortunately my panicked reaction was to slap him across the face.
I slapped him once and he didn’t move, he then seemed to become more aggressive in his speech and wouldn’t move back. I slapped him a second time and yet he still didn’t move.
I managed to move myself out from under his face and managed to stand up to the side of my bed totally shocked at what just happened.
As our children were in the house at this time, the argument settled quickly and we gave each other space.

After some time had passed and the children where in bed, I tried to have a conversation with him about how and why such a small insignificant disagreement had led to this reaction from us both after all these years.

I apologised straight away for the physical interaction as I felt absolutely awful for hitting him, but he could not see any negative part he had played into the build up of this altercation.

I feel horrendous today, we’ve not spoken all day and I have no idea what to do next.
My Son could clearly feel an unhealthy balance when we got home today. I don’t want this to affect our children.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:35

SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 21:33

Were you there?

Show quote history

They can read.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:35

AubadeIsIt · 17/08/2023 21:27

If this is the closest you've ever been, Id hate to see the worst. Someone who purposely shoves their face into someone else's to argue deserves to be slapped, man or woman.

Exactly, it's terrifying and aggressive

newyearsresolurion · 17/08/2023 21:36

I see self defence here. That's not assault. OP is not guilty she was intimidated and assaulted by the husband

Parky04 · 17/08/2023 21:40

Fault on both sides. It will happen again. Time to separate.

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 21:42

As the sister of a brother who survived a very abusive relationship that almost broke him I am disgusted by some of the responses on this thread. You should be ashamed of yourselves

datinginmy40s · 17/08/2023 21:43

Oh nice to see the usual 'what would you be saying if a man did that to you?' Brigade (aka women hating trolls) I don't condone violence, but if you comment like that you've never been physically threatened by a man! Don't feel guilty for doing this... you were in defensive mode! Sounds very unhealthy. Please leave x

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 21:46

datinginmy40s · 17/08/2023 21:43

Oh nice to see the usual 'what would you be saying if a man did that to you?' Brigade (aka women hating trolls) I don't condone violence, but if you comment like that you've never been physically threatened by a man! Don't feel guilty for doing this... you were in defensive mode! Sounds very unhealthy. Please leave x

Why don’t we just agree that slapping someone is never defensible?

Theunamedcat · 17/08/2023 21:46

Why didn't he move the first time she slapped him

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:46

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 21:42

As the sister of a brother who survived a very abusive relationship that almost broke him I am disgusted by some of the responses on this thread. You should be ashamed of yourselves

We aren't talking about what happened to your brother. This is a singular, very specific incident. Calm down.

Maryjaneslastdance · 17/08/2023 21:48

All these pp claiming self defence seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact the op made not one single reference to fear or bring afraid. She only mentions shock.

monsteramunch · 17/08/2023 21:50

Maryjaneslastdance · 17/08/2023 21:48

All these pp claiming self defence seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact the op made not one single reference to fear or bring afraid. She only mentions shock.

She mentions shock and panic. Panic is a fear response.

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:52

You hit him, that's on you. I'm getting really fed up of the man hating on here. He's the victim here yet people are saying you are? Utterly bizarre. I imagine if roles were reversed you'd still be the victim. My husband would be utterly appalled if I did this to him and be reconsidering our marriage. Maybe you need to take yourself off and allow your husband to decide how he wants to proceed, whether it's you move out or you attend some councelling for your agressive outburst. Men can suffer domestic violence too.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:53

Maryjaneslastdance · 17/08/2023 21:48

All these pp claiming self defence seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact the op made not one single reference to fear or bring afraid. She only mentions shock.

She was in shock because she was afraid. Her "panicked reaction" was to slap him. You know people who frequently go into shock because they're so relaxed and happy? 🙄

houseonthehill · 17/08/2023 21:54

Apologise properly to him, offer to get some help with your lack of control and/or to move out for a while to give him some space. That would be the usual advice. He’ll probably say it’s not necessary.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:56

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:52

You hit him, that's on you. I'm getting really fed up of the man hating on here. He's the victim here yet people are saying you are? Utterly bizarre. I imagine if roles were reversed you'd still be the victim. My husband would be utterly appalled if I did this to him and be reconsidering our marriage. Maybe you need to take yourself off and allow your husband to decide how he wants to proceed, whether it's you move out or you attend some councelling for your agressive outburst. Men can suffer domestic violence too.

Did you not read what the op's partner did to her? Come the fuck on. He wasn't just laying in bed reading a book when an unhinged op walked up and slapped him. He assaulted her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:57

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:35

@SunflowerTed @Deathbyfluffy The gender roles reversal doesn't work though due to the power imbalance of (usual) physical strength differences.

A more fair comparison would be between two female friends or colleagues, imagine one much shorter and younger than the op.

Imaginary role reversed op- I got right up in her face and towered over her and continued to yell at her and wouldn't move when she asked me to.

Colleague- she was terrifying me and wouldn't get away from me even though I asked her so I slapped her to get her away out of fear I went into fight or flight, she didn't move so I slapped her again, then she did move. I stopped slapping and got myself away safely so we could both cool off.

Would we then say that the imaginary op or the colleague was the aggressor?

@SunWorshipping you mention role reversal this is how I see it

Livelovebehappy · 17/08/2023 21:58

More context needed on what preceded him getting in your face.

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 21:59

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:52

You hit him, that's on you. I'm getting really fed up of the man hating on here. He's the victim here yet people are saying you are? Utterly bizarre. I imagine if roles were reversed you'd still be the victim. My husband would be utterly appalled if I did this to him and be reconsidering our marriage. Maybe you need to take yourself off and allow your husband to decide how he wants to proceed, whether it's you move out or you attend some councelling for your agressive outburst. Men can suffer domestic violence too.

This 100%. I’m shocked at the apologists here.

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:59

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 21:56

Did you not read what the op's partner did to her? Come the fuck on. He wasn't just laying in bed reading a book when an unhinged op walked up and slapped him. He assaulted her.

Show quote history

He assaulted her 😬 no he didn't. Honestly woman hit man, that OK. Man hits woman omg call the police. He's a victim here, hopefully op can get some help for her aggression. There's simply no excuse for reacting physically, none.

scoobysnaxx · 17/08/2023 22:01

Really MN????

Your husband stood over you and leant into your face while you were laying down, noses almost touching.

You slapped him in self defence.

You obviously felt threatened.

He was trying to intimate you.

It's disturbing that he didn't back off when you initially slapped him.

We all know violence from men to women or women to men is not acceptable.

A big guy refusing to get out of my face whilst I'm lying down is definitely getting a slap!!!!!!

BaroldandNedmund · 17/08/2023 22:02

You weren’t in the wrong. A woman slapping a man is hardly assault….proven by the fact that he barely reacted to it.

Most men could overpower most women and kill them if they felt like it. Of course you’re going to feel uncomfortable in this situation.

EightChalk · 17/08/2023 22:04

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:59

He assaulted her 😬 no he didn't. Honestly woman hit man, that OK. Man hits woman omg call the police. He's a victim here, hopefully op can get some help for her aggression. There's simply no excuse for reacting physically, none.

Show quote history

He physically intimidated her. He made it physical, she reacted. In law, you do not have to wait to be struck before striking in self-defence.

PickAChew · 17/08/2023 22:05

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:52

You hit him, that's on you. I'm getting really fed up of the man hating on here. He's the victim here yet people are saying you are? Utterly bizarre. I imagine if roles were reversed you'd still be the victim. My husband would be utterly appalled if I did this to him and be reconsidering our marriage. Maybe you need to take yourself off and allow your husband to decide how he wants to proceed, whether it's you move out or you attend some councelling for your agressive outburst. Men can suffer domestic violence too.

If my husband did to me what OP's husband did to her, I would be the one reconsidering our marriage, whether I responded by slapping, shoving him out of my way (I could possibly manage with DH, no way could I have managed it with ex who was twice my size) or curling in a ball and being acceptably meek and submissive.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 22:07

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 21:59

He assaulted her 😬 no he didn't. Honestly woman hit man, that OK. Man hits woman omg call the police. He's a victim here, hopefully op can get some help for her aggression. There's simply no excuse for reacting physically, none.

Show quote history

Your comprehension skills are massively lacking because the op was not the aggressor in this situation. She was psychologically and physically threatened and reacted to HIS aggression. I would fully expect anyone, male or female, to get slapped if they did to their partner what the op's partner did to her.

To say there is no excuse for ever reacting physically is just fucking ridiculous. A person is never allowed to defend and protect themselves?

monsteramunch · 17/08/2023 22:15

@SunWorshipping

There's simply no excuse for reacting physically, none.

Simple no excuse? None? Ever? If I need to shove someone hard to get away from them as they're intimidating me and won't allow me to pass freely? If I need to scratch someone's arms because they're holding on to me or trying to drag me somewhere? If I need to elbow someone as hard as I can because they're refusing to let go of me? In all those situations I shouldn't react physically, because there's no excuse? What a dangerous precedent to believe in.