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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters called me a Slut and C***

257 replies

Villam · 17/08/2023 09:43

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 17/08/2023 15:04

was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, complex PTSD and depression. It was a culmination of childhood abdonment, childhood sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse from my mother, the aftermath of my relationship when myself and DH separated and illness that left me in high dependancy twice in the space of two years.I am medically retired and will never work again.

I fell so sad for you reading this. You should have got support from the man you are married to. He sounds awful and I’m glad you’re going to get some counselling. The whole situation sounds toxic for you and your Dc.

AdoraBell · 17/08/2023 15:04

Haven’t read the entire thread OP but in your shoes I would get a job when you get home and tell everyone about your DH’s affair during to difficult time.

If you can get a job you won’t have time to do all the skivvying for them. Also, you are not a skivvy, you are their mother and they should respect you.

newyearsresolurion · 17/08/2023 15:05

Why don't they do their share of chores?? Boundaries need to be introduced here they're just too rude and spoiled. They should be cooking and cleaning etc by that age. I'd take their phones away. Call me a slut they will get a slap

Mikimoto · 17/08/2023 15:07

So OP had an affair. told her then FIVE- and seven-yr olds about it, doesn't want to leave the home, doesn't want to work.

I mean, she sounds lovely...

AdoraBell · 17/08/2023 15:09

Sorry, I missed that you are medically retired. I was thinking a non demanding job, if that’s possible.

DrSbaitso · 17/08/2023 15:09

newyearsresolurion · 17/08/2023 15:05

Why don't they do their share of chores?? Boundaries need to be introduced here they're just too rude and spoiled. They should be cooking and cleaning etc by that age. I'd take their phones away. Call me a slut they will get a slap

Why don't they do their share of chores??

Because they live in a hellish environment with an abusive father who bugs the house, a severely mentally unwell mother, far too much intimate knowledge of their parents' marriage and sex lives and full of high emotions and drama.

Why would any intelligent person or half decent parent think a) that hitting the kids will sort thar out or b) they won't just get lamped right back?

MariaVT65 · 17/08/2023 15:24

Hi Op. Unless i’m missing it, i’m not reading much acknowledgement or detail about how your health issues or your dysfunctional relationship with your DH has impacted your kids through the years.

The reason I say this is that my parents always argued, then went through a horrendous divorce putting me in the middle. I no longer speak to my dad but my mum has always failed to acknowledge her part in what she put me through as a kid 20 years later, I hold so much resentment towards her.

Could this be playing a part in the behaviour? Counselling is definitely a must, at least for you. I disagree with a PP who said you should force a 15 year old to go. You can’t drag them. Is there something here where you need to admit things haven’t been easy for them in terms of emotionally stable upbringing?

Also, your DH needs to apologise for throwing and breaking a phone. I’m currently trying to teach my 2 year old not throw things. Fine remove the phone, but hide it or bin it.

MariaVT65 · 17/08/2023 15:28

Also, you mention you have no chance to look after yourself. However, your children are at school most of the day and you don’t work, so is this a time management issue here, or is your mental health preventing you from getting out? Surely housework doesn’t take 5 days a week?

Original poster
Villam · 17/08/2023 15:47

Mikimoto · 17/08/2023 15:07

So OP had an affair. told her then FIVE- and seven-yr olds about it, doesn't want to leave the home, doesn't want to work.

I mean, she sounds lovely...

I didn't have an affair. I didn't tell my children and I am retired on medical grounds. I worked until i had a breakdown, a serious illness and was diagnosed with three mental health illnesses due to past abuse.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 15:48

Mikimoto · 17/08/2023 15:07

So OP had an affair. told her then FIVE- and seven-yr olds about it, doesn't want to leave the home, doesn't want to work.

I mean, she sounds lovely...

Can you read?

JudgeAnderson · 17/08/2023 16:17

I mean, she sounds lovely...

There's someone on here who doesn't sound lovely though, who could it be?

Deb28777 · 17/08/2023 16:31

@Villam - Don’t defend yourself again. If these people responding with idiotic comments can’t read the thread properly then just ignore them.

You are in an abusive relationship and it sounds like it has rubbed off on your daughters to a degree.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/08/2023 16:34

Mikimoto · 17/08/2023 15:07

So OP had an affair. told her then FIVE- and seven-yr olds about it, doesn't want to leave the home, doesn't want to work.

I mean, she sounds lovely...

You should read the updates before passing judgement. Her H sounds delightful , putting listening devices into her house.

Poivresel · 17/08/2023 16:43

Mikimoto · 17/08/2023 15:07

So OP had an affair. told her then FIVE- and seven-yr olds about it, doesn't want to leave the home, doesn't want to work.

I mean, she sounds lovely...

Your comprehension skills are dire.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 16:58

When DH found out ( recording device)in my house it all kicked of and I was accused of having an affair. This story has stuck.

You are being abused by all of them. All of them.

I cannot imagine how best to advise you, but your husband is an abusive, manipulative and lying cunt. As are his awful parents. And your children are growing up in their shadow, becoming just like them.

I’m so sorry you’re enduring this.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 17:03

Can’t work out if @Mikimoto is thick as mince or just out to wind people up. Not sure which is worse, to be honest. 😂

DrSbaitso · 17/08/2023 17:06

Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 17:03

Can’t work out if @Mikimoto is thick as mince or just out to wind people up. Not sure which is worse, to be honest. 😂

There are so many dimwits on this thread, it's impossible to say. People who see this shitshow of a home life and think the answer is to hit the kids.

Seaoftroubles · 17/08/2023 17:19

@Villam, you poor soul, l feel so sorry for you on reading your updates you have suffered so much. Please ignore posters who have criticised you without reading what actually happened. Your husband and his family all sound vile and if they have repeatedly maligned you in front of the girls this is why they are repeating this false narrative.
Its perfectly ok to go on a few dates if you were previously already separated from your husband, and he had no right to invade your privacy by recording your phone conversations to use this against you.
So sorry that you have had such a tough time with no family support and that your mental health has suffered so much. Please seek counselling when you get back home, hopefully you will get the support and advice you so badly need. l would also be seeking advice from Womens Aid as your husband sounds abusive.

feelingfree17 · 17/08/2023 17:40

If ever there is a time that you need to put yourself first it is now.

Shut out the noise. Try not to dwell too much on what has been said or is being said to you and about you. You have walked the walk, you know the truth, and that is all that matters.

You have been guilt parenting, which is exhausting and totally ineffective. It is no surprise it has all come crashing down.

You all need to put some distance between yourselves right now.

Swirlingpearl · 17/08/2023 17:51

God holidays with teens 🙈
what a nightmare it isn’t very holidayish at all is it 😞.

CherryPieMadness · 17/08/2023 17:58

DrSbaitso · 17/08/2023 13:07

I truly can't understand how anyone could read the updates and still think the daughters are the problem rather than the symptom and it'll all be solved by punishing them one way or another. It was obvious from the start, since kids simply don't act like that for no reason and a parent breaking a phone is a terrible sign. Now we know the reason.

I think you need to reconsider this marriage, OP. That's the clear problem here. Recording device in your house, dear Lord. And obviously a ton of help and therapy for yourself.

The kids are not the problem here. They very rarely are.

This is the most accurate summary so far. I totally agree. Classic abusive man and the woman are blamed for it all.

Gnomegnomegnome · 17/08/2023 18:05

@Mikimoto are you okay hun? Having a funny turn?

@Villam you have had a shit time. Are you still in therapy? I would be looking at therapy for you and family therapy.
Your whole family are abusive. All of them.

DrSbaitso · 17/08/2023 18:19

CherryPieMadness · 17/08/2023 17:58

This is the most accurate summary so far. I totally agree. Classic abusive man and the woman are blamed for it all.

Show quote history

And the kids.

You see it on here a lot. Abusive man is an indescribable shitbag, but woman puts up with it until the kids start reacting to/copying it. Then suddenly it becomes a real problem.

And then of course the peanut gallery, which never stops to actually think, starts the grunt chorus of, "hit it out of em, Hulk smash, bang bang!" Never any thought as to why the kids are acting up because that involves adults having to do hard work on themselves. Just assume it's because the children are malfunctioning for no reason and you can fix them with a few swift bangs like a shitty TV set. Because that's the level of intelligence that hitters go at. Bravo, guys. And you wonder why your kids don't respect you.

There is always a reason kids start acting like this (ND etc aside). It's not because the adults are fabulous and the kids are faulty. It is deeply concerning how often terrible adult behaviour goes totally unchecked, but as soon as the damage starts manifesting itself in the children, now it's intolerable and the kids are the problem to be fixed. And a legion of dimwits thinking the problem is that they're not being hit on top of everything else. What do these people do when the kids hit them back?

It's not OP's fault that her husband is an abusive prick or that she's been mistreated her entire life. But it's a concern that the husband bugging the house and turning his nightmare family on her wasn't seen as the problem, but the kid using bad language is.

You need to reconsider this marriage, OP. Kids don't react like this to healthy, happy ones. I can't believe he bugged you in your home, I can't believe he's got his family on at you like this, I can't believe he broke your daughter's phone in a fit of rage and I can't believe so many people don't see the connection between all this and your kids' behaviour.

AlwaysJumping · 17/08/2023 21:58

ChoccyBickies · 17/08/2023 13:21

In all honesty although you say you are medically retired, getting out of the house, even if just to do some voluntary work, may well be the way back to better mental health.

So decide in your 40s or however you are that you will never work again is something to re-think.

Work could be a saviour, even though you can't see it now.

its hard to get medical retirement. Some people genuinely can’t work anymore. Commuting to a job or volunteering even for one afternoon a week just isn’t possible for some people and it makes the feel even more shit to fail. I hope the rois no one in real life in the same situation that you have told them they would be better if they worked. Please don’t destroy them more and ruin your relationship with them

MisschiefMaker · 17/08/2023 23:25

I feel so bad for you OP. Your DH is abusive.

I think you should try to spend one on one time with each of your children. It sounds like they were ganging up on you, you need to build your separate individual bonds so you're not the scape goat.

Please don't lose heart, the teenage years can be horrific but often young people will completely change their attitudes in their early 20s (or earlier often too). Continue to tell your children you love them - only after they have apologized of course, show them love on their birthdays, encourage them to do well at school, etc. they will remember those things and hopefully you'll have good relationships as adults when they can see how you are all victims of your DH's toxicity.