Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

Recording device??

Oh love, you should never have got back together.

Never mind the others having counselling - you need it FOR YOU.

And when you get home, stop being everyone's skivvy.

They don't pick up, they don't get clean clothes for a start

I feel very sorry for your daughters.
I grew up in an unhappy home with parents that were constantly arguing. They were teachers and every summer holiday, for a while, my sister and I were dragged away for the whole of the holiday to go camping around the UK. My sister and I, who were teenagers hated it. Everyone else got to see their friends in the summer holiday! My parents didn’t care because our younger brother really enjoyed it. Our father was abusive and if we said anything we would be thrashed. My brother throughout his life was never hit, nor did he ever have to do anything round the house. My lovely SIL now has to cope with my brother who still won’t do anything around the house.
I think your daughters shouldn’t be dragged away for such a long holiday. Your husband is being abusive by breaking a phone in anger. You are assisting him in his abuse by not stopping him. You are favouring your son. You said you would like to go away we just him.

And did you know that you should never have joint counselling with an abuser?

I think that's where things went really wrong...

For those shocked that he broke her phone - you are totally missing the point. This child was being obnoxious, disrespecrful and rude. In a moment of rage he threw the phone (which is likely paid by him and the OP anyway). The teen shouldn't even have this phone if she can't be respectful and pull her weight.

I'd still doing things for them. I'd cook enough food for the family and they can certainly eat. But I wouldn't be running them around or even doing their washing. They can do it. Go on semi strike.

That said they shouldn't be privy to your private relationship matters and they are clearly angry. Yes therapy or a good family sit down and chat OP. A stern one

Christ OP you poor thing. I’m hating some of these comments about the poor “children” who can’t control their emotions. They are teenagers who are WELL aware of their words and how much it would hurt you. I’d never dare to say such things to my mum because she’d probably give me a justified slap.

None of this is your fault. Your DH frankly should be pulling the girls up on their disrespectful attitude towards you each and every time. Time for a sit down with everyone with chores for the teens otherwise phones/wifi will be removed.

It's called a joke and I had a dysfunctional upbringing but no way would I talk to my parents that way, I would of had a clip around the ear, which is why so many children today are so disrespectful because they are allowed to be dicks.

Have you ever replied to your dc or to your dh when he has said you had a bf that he too had a gf and he actually had sex with his gf so if anyone is a Slt and a Cnt then it is their father.

@Villam oh HELL no to this.

You sit those brats down and you explain that both you AND their darling daddy saw other people during the separation but that is NONE of their business and if they EVER call you such horrible names again then there will be serious consequences. You tell them things will be changing. You are done being their skivvy and punchbag.

Then you act. You stop wiping their ungrateful arses for them and you make sure that there are consequences for the actions. Remove their phones for a week for the name calling for one thing.

If you don't stand up for yourself now, you will be the punchbag forever and they will grow up to be nasty little bullies who don't respect you at all.

Your DH may appear to have your back but don't kid yourself that he doesn't enjoy the pile on while everyone thinks you are a saint.

I'd also go no contact with the FiL who name called you.

F*ck the lot of them! You are literally at their beck and call and this is the appreciation you get? Nope.

You should also get yourself into part time work. The time away from the house will show them all you mean business and will give you a sense of purpose beyond skivvy.

A child who calls her mother a slut doesn't deserve a phone.

Has your husband defended you? I'd be absolutely livid.. judgemental dicks it's nothing to do with them what you got up to when you were single. Do you think your husband's parents slag you off in front of your DC?

If id have spoken to either if my parents like this they both would have smashed my phone, and rightly so!
cheeky ungrateful madams!
all of them are/have treated you badly.
at-least maybe your dh is now stepping up ( though he has also abused you).
do not do anymore for your kids beyond the basics.
its time they started doing their own laundry, no more lifts etc
no more money.
stop being their skivvy.
they talk to like shit advise you’re leaving the room until they can have an adult conversation
Put sanctions in and stick to them:

Honestly do it! Book an entire day just you two. When they ask why they aren't included tell them that you have no desire to spend your holiday with such ungrateful little cows. If I were you I would stop doing a thing for them, let them see what happens when you leave wet clothes rotting away on the floor, Also hit them were it hurts.. no phones/Wi-Fi/Netflix.

agree! Stop with the ‘oh poor kids’ they've treated their mother like crap.
they deserve to have their phone broken.
if they cant treat their mother with respect then they don't get nice things.
lucky it were just the phone.

@pikkumyy77's advice was very wise.

You know what you need to do - you do.

Will you be able to do it?

Very well said

God - what horrible little madams. I am going to be harsh here and say you really need to get out to work, get some time to yourself. If you dont have skills supermarket work? How dare your daughters call you those name BUT it wont have been the first time would it? There would have been other situations I am sure and quite honestly you should have jumped on them then. They NEVER speak to you like this - EVER.

And honestly love - you definitely need to look at some parenting skills here. Doing everything for them? Just why? You have created some spoilt brats who wont give you the time of the day. I have boys and they would know there would be serious consequences if they used that sort of language. Take their phones away until they learn to behave properly.

I have a relative who tends and fusses over their daughter. Guess what - that girl is spoilt and entitled and I wont meet up with her as she is literally a product of her upbringing. She has never had to load a washing machine, tidy a dinner table or put a dishwasher on. Its all done for her. The way she speaks to her Mum is horrible and I have called her out in front of the family. Que - tears from said girl, who ran up into the bathroom and locked herself in! Mum was in bits because her little 'princess' was upset.

My son called me a bitch once when he was 14. I know it’s horrible. He’s still in the phase of moody/ snappy when I ask him to tidy up after himself etc. I think I it’s normal. They can’t control their emotions so well at this age

Saying that a teenager's behaviour is unacceptable and their phone is being confiscated as a result is completely different to flying into a rage and breaking it in front of them. One is parenting, the other is abuse. And no, teenagers being rude, stroppy or lazy doesn't justify it.

I agree that the teenagers aren't the real problem here though. OP's DH is.

I also think it is time the teensgot a job to pay for their mobile phone service.

Data plans be expensive. Money saved can go towards you theraphy bill.

It is time for a deep clean Op - starting with you!

Get a Job ASAP. Teens and young adult kids have zero respect for SAHMs!

STOP doing everything for them!

I had 1 DD who used to say "I hate u" to me all of the time! ( I ignored for years, one day it was just the 2 of us, I backed her into a corner and repeated those words back with all of my ACTING skills , that was it she NEVER said it again!).

Your DDs need a reality check!

I don't live in the UK so possibly different. I have been signed of work for life by the government of the country I live in. Its not a choice. I haven't just chosen not to work. I do receive money due to my previous contributions and will continue to recieve this payment until I get my old age pension

Cant you help out a charity in an unpaid volunteering role.

You work in your house for free so why can’t you help someone else out for free

I don’t understand why being signed off work for life means you can do cleaning and cooking and shopping for your famil but can’t go to someone’s home and sit and chat to them for a while and do their shopping and a bit of cooking and cleaning.
Or go and help out an animal sanctuary and feed the cats or take a dog for a walk or go and spend a day in a charity shop or even buy and sell stuff on ebay to raise a bit of cash that you can keep for yourself as escape money if things don’t improve.

I think you need to ask yourself the question of what is going to happen when your youngest goes off to university.
Do you think that you will remain married when you become redundant from your role as SAHM

Are people reading what the OP has written? She is in a violent physically and mentally abusive relationship. This is not just a parenting issue.

OP you need to start to think about how you can get you and your DC's out of this relationship. I would imagine from what you have said, the girls are just copying behaviour they have seen as normal growing up, from how they have seen their father treat you. You do all need counselling, but the first priority is to get you all out and safe.

OP I haven't read the full thread but the language they're using towards you is completely unacceptable so I'd take a few days over your break to do something nice for yourself. Don't make a fuss about it, just take some well deserved time out. The division of household chores isn't working and the girls can definitely step up a bit. I would expect an apology from them.

Your DH breaking the mobile phone is on him to sort. He should apologize for that but that's not your issue here.

He's a bit of a dick for letting you be painted as some kind of scarlet woman while he has done the same thing. Coward. Regardless of who did what, they've crossed a line in speaking to you like that. If they perceive themselves as adult enough to have that kind of conversation with you then they can't play children while you do everything for them.

Hope you get some time to yourself and a bit more balanced. When you're back, if not out to work as not an option then get out of the house for other things for you. They don't respect you.

1. Stop being a SAHM - volunteer or charity work if you don't want to actually 'work'. At 13 and 15, you are more a stay-at-home maid than Mum.
2. Stop being a doormat to your DDs - they sound vile, to be honest. Teenagers can be vile in general, but no way in a million years would I have tolerated being called those names by any of my children. Just no.

I'm assuming you're not 'on holiday' as such if you're spending the entire summer holidays away from home, guess you're perhaps visiting a homeland? If that's the case, are you DDs bored and not necessarily wanting to spend the whole holiday away from home and their friends? Maybe next year consider having a shorter break, but geared up towards a 'proper' holiday, hotel etc. where you haven't got to run around picking up after everyone.

In the short term, whilst they are being so evil to you, I would literally refuse to cook or clean for them. I'm not a fan of 'tit for tat', but I really think they need some sharp tactics to shock them into being human beings rather than the monsters they sound like.

Are people reading what the OP has written? She is in a violent physically and mentally abusive relationship. This is not just a parenting issue.

No, of course they're not. They've seen misbehaving teenagers, it's flipped the authoritarian, point-scoring part of their brains and now they're not capable of thinking anything except, "Hit! Punish! Crush! Thankless child! Hulk smash!"

No understanding of the symbiotic nature of parenting, that children react to bad environments, that they're supposed to be the adults, that the teens are a symptom and not a cause. No, the problem is just a Bad Child who needs to be hurt one way or another in retribution.

And then these people think their parenting and home life are great and it's just their kids who are broken. Well they fucking are now after your one dimensional, shit, self-serving parenting, geniuses. What did you think it would look like?

Of course it's not a parenting issue, other than these poor kids being forced into far too much of their parents' abusive marriage. But smacking the kids up, approving the destruction of their property, making them the cause of it all... that'll fix it!