Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

I never had the other man in my house. He recorded me talking to him on the phone.

If your DH didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t step up then I think you have to seriously look at where this marriage is going.
It sounds like he’s utterly useless and doesn’t back you at all.

Firstly I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by staying away from family events on your DH's side - the reason being you have absolutely no idea if they are bad mouthing you about the separation a few years ago and if they are how badly it might be. Remember, it took 2 to get to that point - why are you the sacrificial lamb here?

Next - I would pack my suitcase and head home early. There is absolutely nothing for you to remain on holiday abroad for. See if you can change the return date for your flight (leave them there) and just go home.

Then I think when you are all at home, I think you need to have a long hard look at what sort of set up your family has. Everyone should have respect (at the very least) for each other and that is sadly lacking here.

You might all benefit from some counselling - separately at first but eventually together, if the family is to remain together.

That is my take on the situation.

Well it's not really surprising that the daughters are the way they are is it?

What a mess!

When you were separated did he see his kids?

If so goodness knows what shit he & his family told them/they overheard.

I hope you manage to leave him for our own sake.

And having read subsequent posts OP I would be doing as @LookItsMeAgain suggests.
Your dh’s behaviour makes me shudder.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time.

Just shocked that when your kids were barely older than toddlers, they knew you'd seen another man for a few weeks.
Who told them- and why?

That was hardly info for their tiny ears!

Is this being brought up even now when they are older?

I think you need a family conference where you and DH put on a united front.

You also need to delegate chores and stop doing everything for your kids.
Give them a list of chores they need to do, maybe get a p/t job, and stop being a servant to them all!

It seems to me that you have had a terrible hand delt to you. Nobody has loved you in a caring way.

It is time for you to start the process of loving yourself with the aim of changing the status quo.

But - it will take time, patience (with yourself), and effort.

Yes to counselling - but only for you to start with.

Yes - dds need truning around but put your oxygen mask on first. Otherwise you cannot help them.

Yes to "replace your phone dd and you are lucky that is your consequence for that stunt you pulled".

Yes to "ds and I are going x place. See you later." Every day. Leave teens to their devices. Have a nice break for yourself. Start now.

Please RTFT

The OP didn't leave home for someone else.
She saw another man for a matter of weeks, and then her DH played away as well.

This. Sounds like your OH is as much, or more, responsible for the way your DDs are behaving. I'm so sorry you are lacking in any self-esteem, but please, do get some counselling. For yourself to begin with - then family

It seems to me the reason you are with your husband (who sounds awful) still is financial. Holiday home abroad, 7 week holiday, 3 kids, SAHM with two teenagers and you speak of no family help. You've said you can't work again so you're obviously financially reliant on him but this is no way to live. You're basically a live in maid to your family who are supposed to love you. What happened in the past is obviously still having a massive effect on the whole family so if leaving really isn't an option all you can do is try counselling again and be clear with your family that things need to change. They need to respect you and value your place in the household because you've become cannon fodder for all the issues they all have and it isn't going to change without a concerted effort from all of you together. Sadly I think the damage has been done but I wish you the best of luck.

In all honesty although you say you are medically retired, getting out of the house, even if just to do some voluntary work, may well be the way back to better mental health.

So decide in your 40s or however you are that you will never work again is something to re-think.

Work could be a saviour, even though you can't see it now.

Just to answer a few questions. When he moved back in we were still separated but living together. House is in joint names so I couldn't kick him out. I got a protection order for three months which meant he was not allowed verbally abuse me during this time. Our children would have heard him shouting at me before I got the order, calling me names and saying that Mammy has a boyfriend. We went through a bad patch due to him never being at home and always putting himself first. He wasn't physically abusive at that time but after we reconciled he has on occasion been physical towards me. I just feel like I deserve it and he basically tells me that. Everybody thinks he's the perfect husband, person, Dad, son and I'm the problem.

He has told me I we separate he won't pay the mortgage and won't leave the house.

I can't get any other accommodation where we are. I'm either going to book a flight home myself or send him home with the kids.

Do you not see anything wrong with what he's done he recorded you in your home. It sounds as if you have Stockholm syndrome you feel bad for him but he is abusing you. You're like a puppy when he shows you a bit of attention. You're worth more than that get counselling for yourself ONLY not with him and your children. You need to realise your worth.

I'm sorry but your whole situation is toxic, for you and the children. This incident with the dc is just the tip of the iceberg- a reflection of the physical and verbal abuse, lies, family conflict, loss etc etc that has gone on for years.

I don't live in the UK so possibly different. I have been signed of work for life by the government of the country I live in. Its not a choice. I haven't just chosen not to work. I do receive money due to my previous contributions and will continue to recieve this payment until I get my old age pension.

This.

They don’t respect the parent they see staying at home and not working for a living, especially if their friends’ parents work.

That being said, they are unbelievably rude and I would stop being so nice to them, if I were you.

I got a protection order for three months which meant he was not allowed verbally abuse me during this time. Our children would have heard him shouting at me before I got the order He wasn't physically abusive at that time but after we reconciled he has on occasion been physical towards me. I just feel like I deserve it and he basically tells me that.

Yep, you need your own counselling and find your strength, OP. I am sorry you are going through this.

Hi, I don't agree with some of the comments and advice you've been getting.

Firstly, this sounds like a really frustrating situation. It must be hard to be doing a lot around the house, you are tired and you feel judged by you DDs for things that went on in your relationship with your DD in the past. But it does sound like they have some trauma or hurt from it and maybe that's something you need to face and address, possibly with professional therapy and counselling. The latter will help meditate because it feels (from your post) very strained, angry and now breaking things. At the end of the day, they were children when you were seeing other people, and you both need to consider how this affected them or how they "understood it" which they may be carrying around with them to this day. They are also teenagers with emotions and hormones, so this will be a very testing time for you all.

Having said that, I'm sorry to say, but it is unacceptable for any parent to be taking their child's belongings and breaking them in a fit of rage, regardless of the reason. The reality is... your DD didn't pick up her wet towel, so DH broke her phone. Please make it make sense. You are the adults and should be modelling behaviour. You also don't want to be normalising violence and aggression especially with young teenage girls who will eventually go on to have relationships in the future. I'm not saying there is violence in the home, but it is unacceptable. Would your DH pick up his colleagues or friends phone in a fit of rage and break it? I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to read, but that is quite simply unacceptable and just as you want them to take responsibility around the home, you both need to take responsibility and accountability for this poor behaviour and not dress it up and make excuses. Your children will hold this against you forever.

I also feel picking up towels and doing chores around the house do not warrant your anger or your DHs if they are not doing them. It's not the end of the world, and It's something that parents need to instil in kids as they grow up. Since they have not been helping around the house at all, you need to think about what it is you would like them to actually help with - maybe spend some time with yourself about this. Just throwing it out there, and in no way saying you are doing this, but they are not adults, they are teenage children so their chores should not amount to being free maids around the house. Do you make them feel like this? I would think about what kind of things you'd like them to do and hopefully agree with them about it, probably starting with picking up and cleaning up after themselves, and building on this slowly without yelling. I can totally understand you are tired and doing everything - what does your partner do and does he help around the house, too?

I really do think there are underlying emotional issues here, and they probably need to be addressed first before you'll see any improvements in their attitude or behaviour in the home. Your DDs are at a tender and sensitive age - they do not hate you even if they say it. You have to be there for them, and in a way, they are asking you to help them. They and you are all young, you can fix or improve this including yourselves. Wishing you luck and hang in there.

Thank you everyone, your advice is really helping. I'm looking for a counsellor on google now for when I get home. I haven't ever valued myself and put myself first. I've let everyone take, take, take. I'm sad I've let this happen.

On the outside it looks like I have it all but I pay for it everyday in different ways.

You need to read all of the op's posts before disagreeing its immensely worrying for any woman to be going through that type of abuse.

You're right, I missed a couple of the last ones, which was my mistake - there is abuse in this family, quite clearly. I still stand by what I've said in terms of disagreeing with some of the comments - people just saying the daughters are just awful, they should help etc. They are children! But these are parents who cannot model behaviour for their children (swearing, aggression, poor communication etc), even if OP is also a victim in this. They need professional help and OP is clearly strained and I feel for them. This is hard, given years and years of this situation. But I stand by what I said because this is affecting their growing children - you have to break the cycle sometime and you do that by addressing the trauma including in the children. This cycle might as end with OP and I believe by the way they are responding in their comments and reflecting in their posts show they will get through this, make a change and there can be a happy ending. Praying for them.

I hope it you ever did that your kids would punch you right back - especially if you’ve brought them up in a dysfunctional relationship and they’re acting out because they’re angry and confused teens.

he has on occasion been physical towards me. I just feel like I deserve it and he basically tells me that.

Of course you don't deserve it.

Everybody thinks he's the perfect husband, person, Dad, son and I'm the problem.

Even if he was perfect you could still leave him!

They are both old enough for consequences. No more phones, internet, days out etc. they can be responsible for washing their own clothes and they can do the washing up etc to earn back phones. As for west clothes and towels, leave them in their bedrooms, they'll soon want them dried or washed when they run out of clothes.

Why is it that you get called names for seeing other people when your dh doesn't and he did the same?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Abuse is abuse regardless of wealth, situation or circumstance. Of course you’re dependent on your husband - clearly he’s made it that way as an additional form of control. Well done for making massive steps in regards to counselling and know that it won’t be like this forever. Being a mum is so hard anyway especially with no support and in what sounds like such a toxic environment. We all make mistakes and no one’s perfect. It sounds like you love your kids and have put up with a lot to try and be there for them.

Sending you love and strength…