Husband generous with *my* money

[mintcalipo]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

I had a somewhat similar issue with my DH at one stage - it wasn't money but time. He was working abroad in the week and I had all the juggling to do with two v small DC. He'd then come back and say that he'd volunteered to do x y or z - all very worthy but I was exhausted and whilst he was going round doing stuff I was left with the DC again....

It all came to a bit of a head when I pointed out that he seemed to value everyone's needs except mine and the DCs and that if he'd been on the Titanic we'd have drowned as he'd have been running around helping everyone else to the lifeboats first. Made him stop and think a bit.

If your DH is a generous person then I think you need to tell him that you feel his generosity is all outside the family and that he needs to think about putting his children first - so point out that if he'd not paid for the meal that his sister could easily have afforded you could have had a family day out doing something that was fun for the DC etc. What might have been a better use for the money - a small gesture that mean nothing to his sister or being able to watch his D enjoy themselves?

What’s his is hers, what’s hers is her own.

should be the new mumsnet slogan

Ridiculous double standards.

This is very good advice.

My Ex had the main job while I was looking after our kids at home for a while, and constantly talked about the money as ‘his’ money, which can in extreme be a form of abuse. You are married OP, it’s really not ‘my money’ ‘his money’ anymore. But that doesn’t mean one person is wholly responsible and the other not, separating out accounts and money is a really wise idea. Make a savings account also and all of these are not to be touched. The ‘spending’ account can be divided if you want - both contributing for unexpected gifts or meals - with money put in and you can either pool this or each have one.

No, it’s not your money, it’s family money. If you want your own money then stop whining, divorce him and set up by yourself alone.

Instead of complaining on here, communicate with him, properly.

When there is a limited supply of it, "family money" should be spent for the benefit of the family. There's nothing controlling about that.

Would no one else be cross if their children missed out on a day out or doing an activity because one parent decided unilaterally to treat their (well-off) relatives in a completely unnecessary gesture?

People seem to think stay at home mams don't have any income and throwing out bullshit like 'family money'... this is bizzare and shows they have either been abused or have zero first hand experiance of being a SAHP.

Firstly single working households with children under school age get benefits. This benefit is specifically to replace to non-workers income as they care full time for the dependents. Its not as much as you would make working just a top up to cover basic living cost but it is the non working persons benefit income. Same way carers allowance goes direct to the carer not their working partner.

Then there is child benefit, this also goes to the primary carer who is the SAHP.

On top of that nearly all SAHM I know have made money in various ways through hobbies & small part time freelance work like airtasking or survaying etc... its not a stable income and if you make over the threshold amount needs to be declared to UC for tax and adjustments but it's still money.

Plus the use of smart money spending services like the use of cashback services.

I don't know ANY woman who sits at home with no bank account/money of her own and has to use 'DH money'... this kind of ignorance and advice is why women get financially abused.

No one should be thick enough to give the entirety of the little you have to someone else and not have their own emergency nest egg.

Is this startup of his likely to actually bring in a salary of his own and what is the limit of waiting for this to happen. I would be wanting to know.

It's all well and good saying it's family money, but ultimately if this is the case then purchases out of the norm need to be agreed by both parties - it doesn't mean that the joint account is a free for all for anyone who wants to treat themselves or someone else when they don't actually contribute in the first place for a meaningful reason (eg legitimately unemployed or unwell).

If you aren't comfortable with his current situation whereby he is not contributing an income you need to discuss that with him and make a plan going forward as to when that will reasonably end. If you aren't happy with the way he spends the money from the joint account the same applies. I would ask him to agree to discussion before it's spent willy nilly on things like meals for other people, as it is a shared resource for the benefit of the family and the maintenance of the family unit and home not the benefit of him looking like he is earning a wage and is well off when he isn't.

OP, I agree with you that he needs to be more careful especially because household income is fairly tight at the moment. It simply needs a frank conversation about not being too generous.

However, you are completely unreasonable to call it 'your' money. You say you fully supported him setting up his own business and you're hopeful it'll do well eventually. It sounds like he's working very hard too.

It is family money. However it does sound that whilst OP is happy to cover the family costs in the hope that her husbands start up will take off, finances may not be as rosy as the husband seems to think they are, especially if she is saying that her own savings have been depleted in the meantime.

That suggests living beyond their means, and is certainly unfair if OPs husband is sitting on savings in his own name that could have covered the shortfall, given that OP is covering everything else.

I would suggest that OPs approach above is positive. She does seem to believe in what he is doing and support it, and the idea that all savings being made joint is also positive, if that is what happens.

Or he should reimburse OP for the savings that she has spent. perhaps if he sees the hit to his own nest egg, he will realise the reality of their financial position and stop offering the generous gestures.

It is probably worth taking a look at where you could cut back too. If you both came from high paying corporate jobs it is possible, especially if all has seemed to be running well and OP covered extras from her savings, that he is simply unaware of how much pressure financially the family is under. Shocking perhaps, but if you have come from a fortunate position of never having had to think 'can I afford that' it just isnt on your radar.

Perhaps its a good time to really sit down and budget. And maybe realistically look hard at the business and when the cut off point is timewise. Perhaps there are things that could be done to ease the financial burden - maybe one less day at nursery that he covers if the business continues to be in the 'maybe' phase

You would really do that?

Wow.

Woman earns, man doesn't = money is all hers

Man earns, woman doesn't = money is joint and shared and you must LTB if he denies anything you want or need.

MN at its finest.

I know.

This post has really opened my eyes actually to the misandry on MN generally.

@sadaboutmycat indeed.

When one is earning and the other one is not (that much) I think there has to be conversation about finances and how you are doing it as a team. I am a SAHM for now and we have clear understanding of how my husband's monthly salary is used topped up with UC and any savings I have.

please leave him

Easy to be generous with someone else’s hard earned money.

You don’t get to fanny around making no money for 2 years while you ‘set up a business’ when you have kids and bills to pay. He sounds like an absolute piss taker. Give him 2 months to find a job or you’re revoking access to your money and will hold all the purse strings.

I think some men like to look generous with the cash as an ego boost. My ex was like that, and it was about him really.

I think humiliating him is the only way to go and the op would only need to say it once dow him to stop doing it.

But, a conversation about it needs to take place so he understands how it makes the op feel.

@NettleTea This is a really great summary. We haven't really had to worry about cashflow before now.

@PyongyangKipperbang, fab advice- he also agrees to this set up when we discussed it briefly this morning.

@PeggyPiglet and those saying its not my money, I do agree- I've updated my post since.

@benfoldsfivefan I know I shouldn't feed the troll, but I think you're missing the point of mumsnet, this is a great forum to get advice and perspectives from other working people.

It's pleasing to see a couple of comments about people's businesses doing well, but having a hard time of it to start with. He's very switched on, his business I do believe will be a success, he works bloody hard at it and has already had interest from backers. It was a now or never moment to give it a go. His ultimate aim is to provide for me and the kids and let me give up work, which I'd gladly do if I was offered that opportunity!!

Lastly, I have to say that he's not a pisstaker, and I won't be leaving him or giving him an ultimatum! He's my husband, we are a family, and he's incredible respectful of me and the kids, and a great partner & dad. I've just had a wobble as it is stressful being under financial pressures currently, and it's been so so helpful to get different perspectives and a plan of action in the interim before his business either takes off, or he winds it up and gets a job again.

I think humiliating him is the only way to go and the op would only need to say it once dow him to stop doing it.

And yet I get called a troll for disagreeing with the OP's opinion of how she defines family money and that she's whining? "great forum to get advice and perspectives from other working people"...well, not all the time, OP. Good luck OP, I don't know why I've hit a nerve with you, but FWIW I wish you and your husband all the best.

Only on Mumsnet, eh?

I guess many on here would think that I had been financially abusive to my late husband.

When we got together I was still at university and he had been working for 8 years since he left school, yet it was me who was financially solvent. I had worked and saved through university (this was when grants were available), so I had significant savings. He had 2 loans and nothing to show for them.

In my opinion it was his parents who were financially abusing him, taking a ridiculous amount off him for his keep. They also expected him to contribute towards their holidays (he wasn’t going) and buy expensive gifts for their Christmas/birthdays, which they would choose and ask him for the money to buy them. When his sister was born they opened an account for her and expected him to put money in it for her, every month!

I was the one who put the deposit down for our house, as he was still paying off his loans. I stopped him paying towards his sister and their holidays. I made him stop spending as much on them. His parents hated me, as they asked him to make them an allowance from his wages (as they wouldn’t be able to afford their holidays abroad without it), which I actually gave him an ultimatum over.…them or me! We wouldn’t have been able to pay the mortgage (interest rates then were more than double our current rates) and would have lost our house, if I hadn’t taken this line.

Unfortunately dh continued to be useless with money, if it was there he would spend it. So, I started hiding money, only my share though, we each had our own spending money. I had this money earmarked for when we had kids. It did cause resentment when he found out and he thought he should get half of my savings! Not a chance, as I knew when I gave up work to have our family, I wouldn’t get any personal spending money out of his wages.

When I returned to work post kids, I suggested that we just put equal amounts into household money. He was delighted with this, as he earned more than me, so would keep more to spend. Little did he know, but I did, that I would soon earn more than him. I again saved what I could, putting money into 2 savings accounts, one he knew about and one he didn’t.

Unfortunately he had to permanently give up work, due to ill health, so I then had to subsidise him and put the savings account he knew about into joint use. When he saw how much I had saved in it, guess what his first words were……”I could get a new car with this”!

He’s been dead now for many years and he never knew how much I earned and saved, though I suspect he knew I had more money put away than went into joint pot! I allowed (financially abusive, I suspect 🤔😬) him to take a reasonable amount out to spend and virtually never refused him if he asked for more (more financial abuse 😬).

I don’t think people realise that sometimes you have to dictate what is financially fair or unfair. I don’t think the OP is doing anything wrong, by being unhappy with the way her dh is spending her money. It’s not easy, when only one is earning, so why should she subsidise someone, who is literally not earning anything, and giving away what she earns?

Yes that’s my experience too especially with paying for lavish dinners for extended family but it’s usually money they have earned themselves not their wives’. They want to look generous because it shows they are financially successful to the outside world. I wonder if he’s told his relatives that he’s raking it in with his start up but doesn’t want them to know the truth because of ego 🤔

Just waiting for the Financial Abuse accusations…..

I wouldn't be a stay at home skivvy for any man.