How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

[datingred]

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

It’s difficult when there’s a big financial gap. I went on a couple of dates with a men who owns a chain of food outlets (and yes I did check him out and it’s true) and is pretty wealthy.
I realised quickly that he would always want to go to places way outside my means and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with letting him pay for me all the time so as nice a man as he is, it just wasn’t going to work between us.
Sometimes you just have to accept that the balance is wrong and it’s not going to work.

You've been with this guy 3 months.....what he and you earn are irrelevant, the only time it will come into play is if you move in together, have a kid, or get married. You thinking he should pay for more just because he earns more makes it sound like you are just after his money tbh.

3 months is hardly a long in depth relationship, your expecting too much, and the thought that he earns more may not have occurred to him.

I would be happy to split things more or less 50/50 till it is more serious, if that means you can't afford to do something he would like to do one day/weekend, say that to him and then that is his opportunity to show his generosity if he has it.

With regards to the takeaways, I still find this awkward with my husband and we have been together for 18 years, mostly we split them via our joint account but we always buy and takeaway/dinner for the others birthday, but if we order a takeaway that requires cash it's usually me who has cash so he says he will transfer me the money, but it usually takes a few reminders. I just wouldn't put yourself in that situation again, say you only have cash for your half or something.

Just remain honest with him OP, it's great that you have had the chat. It was what was needed.
If he's worth it then honesty is what will work best for you both over finances. The more you can communicate over them the better.

Just be honest about YOUR expenses - and you recommend places to eat/drink/ things to do that may be free and more suited to your budget without mentioning his salary or earnings etc and making it seem as fun and exciting anyway.

As a man, what’s your reasoning for thinking men should pay more?

I'm a woman and I find a lack of generosity in a man to be a total turn off. I would always expect a man I'm dating to at least offer to pay. I don't mind paying for things too but if he earns more than me I'd expect him to be a bit embarrassed to make me spend a lot of money on him. Being generous is an excellent quality in both sexes. A man who is tight with money is deeply unattractive.

First. Don’t expect that 30 back. He probably paid you back by paying for something he wouldn’t have.

I usually do it that you pay for the date you plan. I wasn’t making as much as him, but I love to cook, so I’d invite him over for dinner. He then wants to take me out to a steak house - great, but that’s on him. I take him to a paint night, he takes me quading.

You shouldn’t expect him to pay more because he has ‘more Disposable income’ or ‘fun spending money’ that’s just looking for a free ride. He likely has other areas that disposable income goes to - Morgage, renovations, etc.

As for concert tickets and big ticket items like that if is just good manners to pay for drinks.

Overall it sounds like he should run if your three months in and griping over 30, when you’ve already said he spends more than you. You sound like you’re in it to be taken care of - and you’re gonna be one of those ex’s that used him.

You can’t afford the evening just say that - sorry, I’ve blown my beer budget for the week, want to come over for dinner instead - and he will either say ‘yes please’ or ‘my treat’ or of course ‘I’ll ask a buddy then’ and that’s all fine! It’s been three months!

Would you apply the same theory to work? I expect a man who does the same job as me to earn more as he is a man?

??? How does that relate to what I said? Weird.

Because whilst some people fight for equality in all areas of life there are people who think there are occasions / situations where equality shouldn’t apply. I’m intrigued by some comments here where people think men should pay more because they’re men (that was my original question on this thread), but because they earn more.

I’m also a woman and I’d find a man insisting on paying for most/all of things we do a turn off. It would make me feel infantilised and not taken seriously, like he doesn’t think my inferior woman money is enough. The occasional treat or paying for me on my birthday or to celebrate a special occasion, sure, and I’d do the same for him.

I don't think that paying on a date, or not, relates to workplace inequality. It's sex and relationships and the way we interact in that context sends messages about how we feel. If a man won't buy me a coffee on a first date, it suggests to me that he's selfish. I'll happily buy his coffee but I won't see him again because he's told me through his actions that he is not a generous person. A date is a chance to impress the other person and show them who you are. If a man won't at least offer to pay, that shows me he is not generous. I think men want to be chivalrous amd kind, and women usually find this to be desirable. We want to feel safe with a man and him being generous without any kind of weirdness or expectation is a way he can show us he's a safe person.

This is obviously based on my personal experience but I think it's pretty normal and traditional for men to expect to pay on the first few dates. Maybe it's different if you ask the man out and arrange the date? I don't know; I've never done that. I imagine I would in that case be expecting to pay for the whole thing.

Yeah, I'm not sure I like the idea of a man insisting. But offering, I think is fine and shows generosity.

I think it’s a shame he’s not more sensitive to the disparity in your earnings; I assume he knows what you earn, roughly? However, given he isn’t, I think the best way to deal with this is honestly. Sit him down, explain that you don’t expect him to ‘sub’ you but you need to be a bit more careful with your outgoings and you’ve been overspending a bit recently on things that are outside your budget snd you wouldn’t normally be doing. Suggest you don’t do ‘rounds’ but each of you takes it in turns to pay for the whole date and just organise something you are happy paying for. He can do the same. He might be more generous in the future when the relationship is more serious and he knows you’re not with him for his cash.

I’m glad you had the conversation and seemed to have resolved the issue. I think it is worth saying that we often project our own situation/thoughts onto others and not communicating about them properly which creates problems. Yes, he earns well but how much do you know about his financial commitments? My partner earns three times as much as me but is very short on money due to various things that need investment. While he did pay for the vast majority of out outings and still contributes a lion’s share towards out housing costs, he did also have to approach these money conversations with me at one point. He expected me to offer to contribute more whereas I took his income and his willingness to pay at face value.
We now split things a bit more evenly and he always asks me whether I can afford something. And I am being honest about my budget. He also tells me if doing something is a stretch for him financially at this point and he needs me to chip in a bit more. Had we not been so honest with each other about finances, our relationship simply wouldn’t last.

Depends how poor, if knew friend was totally broke I’d probably just suggest coffee at mine, would feel very awkward if a friend always paying for me. If not obvious dire financial circumstances I would expect friend to pipe up if was beyond their budget and if dignified way of suggesting I pay then I would, e.g. near their birthday etc. I wouldn’t expect better off friends to be subsidising me and at 3 months into the relationship would be thinking on the same lines. Completely different once married

@Lorey82 none of my suggestions were about subsidising friends, they were about picking cheaper venues or each paying for their own food.

I've been in a relationship with someone who earns a fraction of what I did and we always split things equally WITHIN REASON.

E.g.:

1. We're going out to dinner. If I want to eat something ££££, I'll pay. If we're eating something "normal", we take turns to pay.
2. We're going on holiday. Let's say the average cost of hotels for where we're going is £150 a night. They'll pay £75 and I'll pay whatever the remaining amount is if I want to stay at the Mandarin Oriental, for e.g.
3. Flights. They'll pay the cost of economy and I'll pay the upgrade to business if I want us to fly business/first.

It's all very simple and logical and keeps the money discussions to a minimum.

Can be really hard to know what friends can and can’t afford, yes there’s common sense, not going to suggest a meal at the ivy to my friends on UC but not going to exclude them from invitation to nice meal at local posh restaurant. I wouldn’t have a wanted friends to have been that assuming about me when was on tax credits. We’re usually quite honest with each other if can’t afford it. Maybe his date ideas are quite a step down for the OPs new partner, maybe she’s particularly frugal? Either way I’d just be honest about what happy with

To be fair she explained this in quite a bit of detail

I think there’s a difference between wanting a man who will ‘provide’ as one prev poster wrote ( cringe) and being fine with paying your way but not being ok with the amount he is wanting to spend…
you should just be upfront and say your budget is a bit tighter, can you do X instead of Y. The expensive Chinese would have been a good moment !
dating is also a period where you trial his ability to empathise and compromise. I know couples who have actually gotten married and then split up over vastly different spending habits ( one party likes going to very expensive restaurants, ordering the specials and 3 desserts, and the other doesn’t ) .. they were unable to compromise to make each other feel comfortable so it’s good to see how this sort of thing works right at the start!
he should either understabd and adjust to your budget or stump up the difference and treat you

This seems unbalanced - surely dating should be about making you feel comfortable and safe and having fun, not you worrying about paying for things?

I agree it's a good solution to take turns planning/paying for things- but he's negged that as HE doesn't want the inconvenience of not having a "high earning spontaneous spending social life".

It comes across as very inconsiderate/oblivious at best and controlling at worst. You have tried to communicate - he seems to have intentionally glossed over it.

If you're romantically interested in someone, surely part of the pleasure of early dating is seeing them happy and you both having a good date together (even if it's a mcdonalds or the Chinese deal from marks and spencer).

Why isn't he dating someone more at his own income level, if money is that important to him? Plenty of women on that income.

But maybe he likes seeing women "on the back foot".

Someone with as much financial clout as him wouldn't be as "eager to please".

If this relationship continued, it seems like it would end up one of those "I had to save up for my maternity leave and had no spending money whilst paying off HIS mortgage" situations".

If you want your partner to treat you, why can’t you come right out and say that. You seem worried about looking grabby- perhaps he may think that and dump you but perhaps he might not? Some men don’t mind paying for their gfs, some do, why lie and pretend you are ok with the situation when it’s not really what you want?

That's bizarre assessment of the situation.
😳
Why should he compromise.

I have this sort of arrangement with my sister when we spend time together it go away together. She has much more disposable income than I so we tend to stay/eat at the more budget to moderate places, get public transport etc so it is comfortable for me. But she will also very kindly occasionally treat me if she (and I!) want to do something more fancy and pricey.